O/T: When Friends Divorce

Aquajock

Aquajock

Cathlete
Am in the middle of a sad situation that I've never coped with before, and never thought I would: some long-term friends of DH and mine are divorcing after a long and increasingly troubled marriage, and even in these early stages it's getting real ugly real fast.

Although DH and the "male half" of this couple were friends for decades, I've always felt that all four of us were friends equally. Now, "male half" has moved out of the house and essentially "disappeared" in terms of a known home address, and he has made noises recently of a new relationship in which he is involved; in fact he wanted to bring his new friend to a holiday gathering among me/DH and another couple that traditionally had been among all of us and "male half's" current wife. No divorce filings yet, and the "female half" seemed to be pushed to the sidelines.

I called "female half" yesterday just to see how she was; she confirmed they were divorcing, and I told her my understanding of "male half's" new relationship . . . which was news to her. Got an obscene and scathing voice-mail from "male half" last night about my call to "female half". Apparently "male half's" new relationship was supposed to be a kept secret among his friends. And apparently he thinks he "gets the friends" in the marital termination agreement.

Life's a sad and complicated thing sometimes.

Thanks for letting me vent.

A-Jock
 
Wow, that sucks, A-jock. That has got to be a difficult situation, since you've been friends with both for so long. I wish I had some good advice to give you. You may end up losing one or both of them as friends when it's all said and done, but I hope not. Just remember that they have to work it out themselves, and try to stay neutral, supporting them both if that's possible. I know it's hard though. We have two friends who are currently living apart, but have no immediate plans to divorce. We believe the female half has found someone else from things she's said, but neither of them are saying anything. We just saw them, together for lunch, last week, and it was so weird because no one brought it up. Life is sad and complicated at times. I hope this all works out for the best somehow for you and your friends.

Carol
 
Bummer, A-Jock. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would concur with Carol in that the best thing you could do in this situation is stay neutral and be supportive right now. It'll be hard, especially given your description of "male half's" current mode of behavior. x(

Even though things are pretty ugly right now, hopefully they'll become more civil in the future. Remaining on neutral ground and not taking sides (or not openly taking sides) might help you and DH maintain a relationship with both halves...if that's what you want.

Take care.
 
I am sorry. I don't know what to say. I was divorced, and it was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. It was inevitable, and my husband now is my soull mate for life, but it is a nightmare that never ends. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Lori
 
Annette-
Sounds like he is being unreasonable. I think there is nothing wrong in explaining to him that he is putting their friends in an untenable position. He needs to understand that their friends are fond of both of them, and should not be asked to make a choice. He's probably going through an emotionally confused time now, but will eventually come around to realizing you are right.

It's a rough situation, and I feel for you.

Nancy
 
Hi Annette! I know exactly what your going through. All of "our" friends had gotten divorced & I mean ALL of them! I'm married for 20 yrs. & sadly my DH & I no longer have these dear friends in our lives. We became a constant reminder of happier times for them & it just became very awkward for all of us. I'm so very saddened to hear of this. Kathy:(
 
Since there is anger and bitterness between them you may be forced to chose where your loyalty is best placed. Perhaps it's best not be be drawn in but neutrality isn't alway possible. As for keeping secrets, pooh on that! If he's moving on, he should do it as an adult, up front and without sneaking around. Since, it's unlikely that the two can both be present without ugliness arising, who does your heart tell you to chose?
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/coollook.gif Bobbi
 
Ugh... that's tough. I've been divorced 14 years now and married 6. Fortunately we did a clean break of the friends. We didn't make too many friends when we were married. The folks in our town who we knew through the kids were more friends with me but now many years later are friendly with him too. We have a good friendly divorce. I dont know but for me - we BOTH put the kids first so with that common goal alot of the hostility was disapaited.

THose things can get pretty bitter... sounds like this one is going to.. I know a few folks who like 10 years later still hate the former spouse.. sad to see... most times it has been when the man has left for a new wife, new kids etc... anyhow hope you can stay away from the fireworks... Sounds like you may have to really discuss the ground rules for this with both your friends... Good luck sorry to hear about it.
 
Yeah, it's an uncomfortable situation, isn't it. When I divorced my first husband twenty or so years ago, it never occurred to me that "our" friends would not continue to be my friends. I was shocked that people took sides against me, even when I didn't ask or expect them to make a choice. I didn't see any need or point in it, but I lost a lot of "friends" at that time. It's very sad, and I'm sorry you're in the middle of it.

Shari
 
(((AquaJock!)))

It is a sad situation to be in.

That said, it is MHO that this "friend" should not be putting you in the middle of this situation. If he wanted to keep his "relationship" a secret, he should never have told anyone about it.

How has your DH responded to his "friend's" voicemail to you? IMHO your DH should rip this guy a new anal cavity for sending an obscene voicemail to you. I know mine would never let a "friend" talk to me in an obscene manner.

As for who "gets the friends," sometimes it goes the way you would never expect. You can only do what you think is best in the given situation.

I wish you all the best!
 
Yeah,its a hard situation to be in.You just wish that everyone would not talk about it and not get you involved.
We hang out with a few couples that I am pretty sure,are not in good relationships.One of them isn't married but just built a house together.She is pushing for a ring and he is getting more annoyed everytime she brings it up,I think it is alot further away then she realizes.BUT I can see where he is comming from,she can be a little crazy and controling at times(even where I am concerned).Whenever we go out with them,they always get into about 10 fights,and thats not exagerating.
We also have other friends,that at the new years party we went to she spent half of the night ignoring him b/c he said something to piss her off.Now they have been together since they were teenagers and have a 14yr old daugther.I can also see it in is eyes when she walks into a room or talks to him.He looks at her as if "what are you doing here?" This girl is also VERY attractive.She as a runners body (b/c she runs) and looks awesome for her age.I know that looks aren't everything but most men would be proud of a women who takes care of themselves like she does.I REALLY think that she loves him but he doesn't love her anymore,AND that they are only together for the kids sake.
I know all marriages are different and sometimes people break up for really good reasons.Some people just aren't meant to be together.
But I can't comprehend any of that b/c I have been married for 2 yrs and I love my hubby dearly.We rarely ever fight and when we go out anywhere we always have a great time.While other friends are sitting with their arms folded and pouting.
I probably got my relationship skills from my husband b/c if I ever got mad at him and started to yell, he would always say,"why are you yelling at me? You don't talk to your friends like that so why are you talking to me like that?".He made me realize that he is my best friend, so why was I yelling at him? And he also made me realize that you can't tkae each other for granted, and I think thats where alot of marriages go sour.
Anyway,enough of my spealing...but I can see me dealing with your same situation later in life.;(
Lori
 
Thanks to all of you for your grounded and empathetic responses. I almost drove myself nuts for awhile wondering what "the right thing" was and whether I'd done it. "It's never easy and it's never clear . . .", right?

FitnessGoddess, my husband chose to not respond to this message, as did I. Although he was very angry himself about it, naturally he is also conflicted because they've been friends literally since they were juniors in high school. As far as we're concerned, this bozo isn't worth the caloric expenditure it would take to call him back, let alone rip him a new @$$hole (and I'd reserve that pleasure for myself! }( ). Sometimes you just gotta say, "If I stooped low enough to respond to that, I'd give myself a knee injury."

Thanks again, all.

A-Jock
 
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