O/T - Happiness or Security?...LONG

M

milagrosepul

Cathlete
Hi ladies, this has probably come up before but I need your advice...
I am currently single at the moment. I was living with a man for two years (dating for three) and we broke up about three months ago. He moved out and I kept our apartment.
We broke up because of his level of immaturity (money, responsibility and other things came after the less important things in life) He never did anything malicious or mean and he loved me deeply and I loved him with all of my heart.
He is now back in my life and is begging and pleading for a second chance. He says he realizes that he can not live without me and wants to make everything better. He says he has learned and is willing to work with me on things. I really do want him back also, I miss him terribly and I am basically miserable without him. As he is without me.

Now to make things difficult...
My ex (from four or five years ago that I was going to marry) has now come back into my life and says he wants to pick up where we left off. He is secure, has a good paying job, good family and will always provide what I need. BUT! and of course there is one...I'm not happy with him. I love him only because I loved him for so long in our past, I don't love the man he has become. We do not believe in the same things, we do like the same things and we argue a lot about fundamental things.

Ladies, I am at a point in my life where I feel I need to establish something for myself. My question to you is which one do you go with ...happiness or security?

Sorry for the book friends. Just needed to get that out.
 
Don't go with the ex- from four or five years ago. You said it yourself. You don't believe in the same things, you don't like the same things and you argue about fundamentals. You will be doomed to be miserable.

You LOVE this other guy. It's very obvious. You're miserable without him. Give him another chance. He loves you too, or he wouldn't have come back and offered to try again and to change.

Go with happiness. Make your own security:)
 
Hi, this may not be the answer you are looking for, but have you considered counseling? Even if you are not married it could help. You could go alone to determine what attracts you to Mr. Not-So-Secure (some people like the "adventure" of never having a commitment, I'm not saying this is your situation since obviously, don't know you, but if you suspect this is so, than it would help to find out why). Or you could go as a couple. Many therapists will see unmarried couples. Most insurance plans will cover a years worth of sessions for a copay. Also, if the question is finances and not so much commitment, than you and he can get help with credit counseling. I don't know if insurance would cover that.

I've known someone who married for security and to have children and she was miserable for 11 years and they are divorcing. So, if your really feel nothing for Mr. Good Job, I'd say don't make yourself miserable, and him, too! Plus any children brought into the mix.

Of course, there is a third option, look for a different man that can give you both.

I hope this helps.
 
Does it have to be one or the other?
I would definitely NOT choose security to the detriment of happiness. But there's got to be a way to get both.

Why would you even consider the ex? You seem to have nothing in common, and your fundamental beliefs are different.

Your most-recent SO says he is willing to work on things. Take him up on it, seek counselling, and work out the security issues.
 
>BUT! and of
>course there is one...I'm not happy with him. I love him only
>because I loved him for so long in our past, I don't love the
>man he has become. We do not believe in the same things, we
>do like the same things and we argue a lot about fundamental
>things.
>
>

My gut says forget about the Ex.

This quote that you said up here about your Ex says it all. Financial security only is not enough. If you don't love the man he is now, it'll only get worse in the future. Same with the fundamental things that you argue over now. It'll only get worse. I believe that you'l only end up resenting him.

If you do love and care deeply about the guy who has/had the immaturity problems, then maybe there is some possibility with him. ***BUT*** based on his history, I would suggest only letting him back in in baby steps. Make him prove that he's learned what he needs to do. It's one thing to say it, it's quite another to prove it.

In closing, I'll just say that there are more men in the world than these two. You have more choices than this, so don't jump into anything and DON'T SETTLE!

Good luck! :)
 
I agree with what others have said here. Why must it be one or the other of these two choices. I sure wouldn't want to be married to someone with whom I had fundamental differences. I also would not want to be tied to someone with a chronic immaturity problem. That to me is just as bad--perhaps even worse. Can you imagine having children with someone that hasn't yet grown up himself?

A very wise person once told my DH and I that love is not a feeling, it is a decision. You will not/cannot feel love for someone 24/7, 365 days a year for the rest of your life. You have to make a choice to love someone even when they may not always live up to your every expectation. This would be hard to do in either of the situations you presented.

Forever is a very long time. Take your time and choose wisely. You won't regret it. What's the rush?

Michele
 
Yeah - forget the ex. Security is something you can earn for yourself. You should not need a man for that.

That being said, you also should not be someone else's security. If you love the guy you just broke up with madly, then there's a good basis. I like the idea someone else had of counseling. If he loves you that much and is that miserable without you, he should willingly agree to go to counseling. He's not going to change, but maybe he can come to understand why certain things are important to you and respect that. I would start there to see if you two can be compatible completely. If not, as previously said as well - there are other fish in the sea.
 
Don't rely on a public forum for the answers to this very complex and personal matter. I agree, seek some professional counseling and/or pray to God or your Higher Power (if you have one) to guide you and give you wisdom and patience to lead you to peace and personal happiness.
 
Ok, well, whose Jose?? I saw him on your picture trail link. Now HE is a hottie!!! Go with him!!

Just kidding (but he is hot)

You have gotten some good advice. I would say definitly not go with the ex (that just seems stupid). Go with madly-in-love boyfried but proceed with caution. Try not to get hurt again, and for sure get counseling.

Aside..........my mom went for security in her later life and she is doing fine. But she will always admit that the new relationship is nothing like the madly-in-love-yet-totally-destructive relationship. But to her, in her 50's, she is willing to compromise to have someone to grow old with and not worry about finances. Plus, she doesn't have all that dysfunctional BS in her life anymore. Not for me, but I guess it works for her.....

Good Luck to you!!! :)
 
I think that this is something all women think about. I use to work with a women who use to say..."the next time I get married its gonna be for money" but she was joking.
Everyone as their problems and I certainly wouldn't marry for security but there are times when I think how nice it would be if I could stay home and not have to work...but thats just me being lazy:)

If you and your ex don't get along and you don't agree on the samethings, why would you bother? I know everything else is pretty tempting but in the long run, can you spend the rest of your life with someone only for security?Im sure you love him but it is a different kind of love.

If your miserable without your lastest beau, then talk to him.Tell him what you need.You don't need to be rich, you just want to be comfortable and we all do.

Whats better then being in love and as long as you can make ends meet, I wouldn't get caught up in the worldly things if I were you.
Lori:)
 
You guys are all so great!

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I think I am going to talk to Jose. I know there are others out there but I love him very much and I feel like I have to give him and us a chance.

Thank you all...
 
I just don't understand why you are limiting yourself to just these two people. There may be someone else out there that fits all your requirements and you just haven't met them yet.

I don't know how old the immature person is but he could be making promises to you now he can't keep just because of the very nature of his personality. I was married to one just like that for 21 years and he never did grow up.

Good luck!
 
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