O/T and Long: Problems

[KimDW]

I am so frustrated right now with my marriage. My DH and I have been together 17 years (married 9) and are having problems. A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with OCD. His worry is that he isn't doing something the right way and is going to upset or inconvience someone. It's a weird form of OCD. He's on medication and see's a counselor (although I think he needs more couseling time). He seems content with how things are with him and doesn't really make an effort to change. I was always worring about making sure he got to work or took his pills and always helped him and I became like a mothering figure and I HATED it. I realized that I was the one allowing myself to do these things and I always felt mad and irritated. I've been able to back off and just let him be but the problem is he gets mad when I won't "help" him. I've told him that he can't use me to make his anxiety stop and that he has to be responsible for himself. We never spend any time together. It would be nice if he would work a certain schedule and get home at a decent time. The shop he works at is open from 10am to 7pm. But he gets there at least by 9 and he ends up working until 8 or 9pm and then by the time he gets ready to go he doesn't get home until almost 11 and still has to eat dinner and by that time I'm in bed. I know he struggles with the anxiety but I feel like he doesn't make me a priority. I feel like I'm single but married and sometimes find myself wanting to be on my own. It makes me feel so selfish. But doen't I have a right to be happy? On the weekends he sleeps until at least 1pm and that's if I wake him up. We don't ever get to do anything because by the time he gets ready to go we don't have any time to really go anywhere. I'm at such a loss of what to do. Everytime I try to talk to him about it he says that I'm always so irritated with him and am mean to him in the way I speak to him. He worked Saturday and we decided to do something that evening so I said be home by 6pm and we can go out. Well the phone rings at 6:15 and he hasn't even left yet. I was mad that even though he set his alarm on his phone to remind him to get ready to go he still kept working. I said I was going to go ahead and just eat something. He got mad that I wasn't being flexible. This isn't the first time this has happened. He didn't get home until 11 that night because he stood around and was upset. This morning he got mad at me because I needed to leave for work and wouldn't wait for him to finish getting ready so he could leave with me. I have been late to work so many times waiting for him that I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I just dont' know what to do!!! Anyone have any advice??

Kim

 

[Boybert]

Okay, deep breath. First off, hi Kim -- I'm sorry things have been so stressful for you. My initial reaction is that I wondering more about the diagnosis & medication he is taking (in that is it correct). Second I am wondering about the value of the therapy he is receiving. If he is in fact truly diagnosed w/ OCD, then cognitive-behavioral therapy can works wonders in conjunction with proper medication.

From what you are saying, it seems that he has set up some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy in that he feels he is always inconveniencing/irritating someone so why even try, and therefore retreating further & unknowingly causing greater "damage". Does that make sense? As far as how you are feeling, my thoughts are that you have every right to want to be happy, but, are you taking an active role in the therapy process as well? I think it is crucial in this marriage. I'm not saying you need to do all the work, but it has to be a partnership to help stabilize the relationship. It takes two strong individuals, especially when mental illness is involved. These are my initial thoughts. Let me know if I am missing things or you need more help from me.


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie

 

[onedayatatime]

Kim,
I'm sorry you are so frustrated and are struggling. Marriage is hard.
I only have a moment to write something now, but I'm sending thoughts of hope and courage your way.

Quick thoughts: Sometimes, it's easy to bogged down in the content of arguments, especially with a spouse. (I know this from endless, tiresome discussions with my DH over the years...) (...and of course, the content of an argument or a discussion is important, because it all needs to get worked out.) But sometimes, tension can be relieved by ignorning the content, and opting for addressing emotions in a generic way, so you can rebuild a connection with each other. If you still love each other, that's a great plus. If you feel a loss at not having him with you, that's good. There's still something there.

Think about developing some phrases that can rebuild a connection. Phrases that don't allow you to "lose ground" on important issues, but can help you rebuild the platform of your relationship.

"I'm sure I've done something to irritate you or make you worry. That wasn't my intent, but I apologize if inadvertently I set you off......"

With OCD or any mental illness on board, it's really hell for the person struggling and they often cannot be a support to the people they need and love most and end up driving people away. Don't give up if you feel the relationship is worth saving and if you think some of the problem is due to his emotional struggles. Try to reach out, even if you are sick of reaching out. Keep stretching. Think of finding words you can use with him to help re-establish connection.

Acknolwedging emotions, even when you don't feel like doing it, is like the Stretchmax 1 of a relationship.

HTH,
Barb

 

[candi]

"His worry is that he isn't doing something the right way and is going to upset or inconvience someone"

Kim,

Not to make a bad situation worse but I have a couple of observations:

1. The comment I copied above does not apply in all cases. It doesn't appear your husband is worried about inconveniencing you. What's that all about? You should matter the most.

2. You are correct...it's apparent that your husband is not working on his issues or the medication is not doing what it's supposed to because you should see at least some improvement. If he appears to be content, it could be that in your quest to love him unconditionally, you have established an enabling pattern which makes it easy for him to stay stuck.

You are in an extremely difficult situation. It is extremely difficult to live with a person that suffers from a mental illness. My DH made an observation that mental illness is contageous. Typically, the significant other who is invested in the relationship with the mentally ill person undergoes insurmountable stress. This stress is not good for the SO mentally or physically.

I believe you need to see a therapist at least for a couple of sessions, if for nothing else at least vent your frustrations.

HTH

 

[tina72382]

just wanted to send warm wishes and thoughts your way Kim

 

[EileenS]

Kim,

You are in a really hard position, trying to be supportive of your DH but also trying to get your needs met. Could you possibly attend one of your husband's counselling sessions, specifically to discuss some of these concerns? The counseller may be able to help you and your DH figure out the best way to handle these types of situations and communicate better. The counseller may also have some specific ideas that you can use to work with your DH on resolving these issues.

Not knowing what his therapy entails nor where his counsellor sees him going in the near future leaves you in the dark about how best to interact with your DH. You don't need to know all the details of your DH's program -- you just need to get an idea of how to communicate your concerns and needs in a way that is helpful to both of you.

The counseller might also be able to clue you in on what to expect in the near future. Is the situation likely to get better as therapy progresses, or is this something that will be going on for a good while? That may help you think about what you need to do to keep the situation tolerable for yourself. From previous volunteer work with OCD sufferers (I am NOT a therapist! ), I can say that some people make rapid progress with the right program but others make very slow progress with a number of setbacks. You may need to decide how much you are able to handle, then take the appropriate steps.

Eileen