Aquajock
Cathlete
Hello, fellow Cathletes, long-time Cathe fan and forum lurker here:
My husband and I have been friends of decades standing with another couple; Tina and I became friends through work in the late '90's, and Trevor and DH became friends in the mid-aughts when DH joined Trevor's gym. Throughout the years we had movie and dinner dates, miniature golf sessions, coffee dates, holiday hang-outs and the like; when DH and I moved across the country in 2016, we continued our friendship through Skype and Zoom sessions, phone calls and text exchanges, and a few blessed visits. Like DH and me, Tina and Trevor were child-free by choice, evolved into retirement, and just worked toward living our best lives separated by a continent but joined by shared interests, viewpoints, lived experiences and emotional confidences, and simple enjoyment of each other's company.
Last Sunday the unexpected and unimaginable happened: after a brief, vicious battle with lymphoma (that had been diagnosed in late December as being only in the very early stages and easily treated into remission with chemotherapy), Trevor died at the too-young age of 69. Tina shouldered the massive most of the burden of seeing Trevor through his final days: going into the hospital with a spiking fever, remaining in the hospital as his condition worsened and his lymphoma morphing into an aggressive monster, and passing away in the darkest part of Sunday morning. Trevor's brother and sisters were able to come to him in his last hours, and Trevor's and Tina's local friendship circle also rallied around.
Needless to say, DH and I are in sorrow and shock; we each feel like we have lost a soul brother. And our hearts are shattered for poor Tina; she and Trevor were/are very private, self-sufficient people, and now Tina is faced with a present and a future that no one thought of even 6 weeks ago.
I would like to ask for some reflection and advice from you all, on how best to support Tina in these new, sorrow-filled, strange and challenging days. I am terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing, of doing or saying too much, of doing or saying too little, of draining her bandwidth with too much reaching out, and of possibly drowning Tina's sorrow with my own. After receiving an unforgettably sad little text from her a few minutes after Trevor passed away this Sunday morning, I have only spoken with her once - she called later that morning, crying, and we cried together, but even in the midst of her tears she was already rallying. Her sisters-in-law and brother-in-law stayed in her area until this past mid-week. I have texted her briefly a couple of times, but didn't want to barrage her knowing that she has a very full plate of work ahead of her. And I'm reluctant to reach out to her during the Monday-through-Friday period because, again, I know she has to plow through the onerous practical mechanics in the aftermath of a spouse's death which usually can only be addressed through the work week.
I would be grateful for any insights you all might have on what to do and say, what NOT to do and say, any similar experiences you all might have had, etc. It's so sad - the one person I might turn to for advice of this kind is the one person whose sorrow vastly exceeds my own - my beloved best-friend-for-life Tina. Thank you in advance for reading, and for any advice or reflection you might offer.
Love,
Aquajock
My husband and I have been friends of decades standing with another couple; Tina and I became friends through work in the late '90's, and Trevor and DH became friends in the mid-aughts when DH joined Trevor's gym. Throughout the years we had movie and dinner dates, miniature golf sessions, coffee dates, holiday hang-outs and the like; when DH and I moved across the country in 2016, we continued our friendship through Skype and Zoom sessions, phone calls and text exchanges, and a few blessed visits. Like DH and me, Tina and Trevor were child-free by choice, evolved into retirement, and just worked toward living our best lives separated by a continent but joined by shared interests, viewpoints, lived experiences and emotional confidences, and simple enjoyment of each other's company.
Last Sunday the unexpected and unimaginable happened: after a brief, vicious battle with lymphoma (that had been diagnosed in late December as being only in the very early stages and easily treated into remission with chemotherapy), Trevor died at the too-young age of 69. Tina shouldered the massive most of the burden of seeing Trevor through his final days: going into the hospital with a spiking fever, remaining in the hospital as his condition worsened and his lymphoma morphing into an aggressive monster, and passing away in the darkest part of Sunday morning. Trevor's brother and sisters were able to come to him in his last hours, and Trevor's and Tina's local friendship circle also rallied around.
Needless to say, DH and I are in sorrow and shock; we each feel like we have lost a soul brother. And our hearts are shattered for poor Tina; she and Trevor were/are very private, self-sufficient people, and now Tina is faced with a present and a future that no one thought of even 6 weeks ago.
I would like to ask for some reflection and advice from you all, on how best to support Tina in these new, sorrow-filled, strange and challenging days. I am terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing, of doing or saying too much, of doing or saying too little, of draining her bandwidth with too much reaching out, and of possibly drowning Tina's sorrow with my own. After receiving an unforgettably sad little text from her a few minutes after Trevor passed away this Sunday morning, I have only spoken with her once - she called later that morning, crying, and we cried together, but even in the midst of her tears she was already rallying. Her sisters-in-law and brother-in-law stayed in her area until this past mid-week. I have texted her briefly a couple of times, but didn't want to barrage her knowing that she has a very full plate of work ahead of her. And I'm reluctant to reach out to her during the Monday-through-Friday period because, again, I know she has to plow through the onerous practical mechanics in the aftermath of a spouse's death which usually can only be addressed through the work week.
I would be grateful for any insights you all might have on what to do and say, what NOT to do and say, any similar experiences you all might have had, etc. It's so sad - the one person I might turn to for advice of this kind is the one person whose sorrow vastly exceeds my own - my beloved best-friend-for-life Tina. Thank you in advance for reading, and for any advice or reflection you might offer.
Love,
Aquajock
