New Baby and New Grandma need advice

L

lidochick

Active Member
Hi everybody, I'm an occasional lurker/poster. I think alot of your opinions, and I am sure there are many recently new mom's among you who might have some insight into this. I have a new 2 week old adorable baby GD. My dau and SIL live very close, and we have a good relationship. There are three GMs and all live close. We were all present at the birth. It was quite the party. I was able to see clearly that her in-laws were way way involved. In the past two weeks they have been over to hold the baby most everyday. My SIL had to sit them down and ask them to keep it to one person at a time. NOW, I have receive email asking me to put down my availability to babysit on an excel spreadsheet with a deadline of this Friday. They will need someone to come hold the baby while my dau. works (at home) from 1-6 Mon. through Fri. If I don't get my rsvp in, then for the next 3 months (who knows whats coming after that) I will not be able to drop by, hold baby, visit except when there is a 'opening'.
Now...I get up at 0430, get home from being a busy nurse at 3pm...Really don't think I'm up to spending the rest of the day over there, besides which, I think she should be taking care of and bonding with the baby herself. The other family is unbelievable, falling all over themselves to take days. Of course, This is making me look bad, especially as her own mother. I want to help and be involved, but I can't compete with them and don't quite know how to handle any of this. How do you feel especially new mom's and GMs? (NOT to mention this would take away my only Cathe time!) Dianne
 
Dianne,

I really don't know what to say. To be completely honest, I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open at the thought that I might have presented MY MOTHER with a spreadsheet to request her availablity for sitting!? They said you can't call and come by unless you're on the schedule? --Did I understand that correctly?

I'm actually trying to come up with advice, but can't (and I'm not usually speechless). Can you talk to your daughter about this?

I'm in your corner dear. Please let me know how this plays out. I certainly hope some others here can be of help.
 
She didn't say I couldn't come by specifically, but the implication was there. I called today, and her MIL was there and she said, do you want me to call you if MIL leaves early? I think I can stop by tomorrow, but I am going to call first. They also asked that not everyone be over at the same time a week ago (crowd control) And, I don't feel comfortable walking in to the home and waiting for the MIL to hand over the baby for me to hold. You're reaction to this is exactly what I have encountered from friends and even Dr Laura today! Actually Dr. Laura went balistic as soon as she heard my dau. was not 24/7 with the baby and told me it was my responsibility to set her straight. I don't think she quite got the whole picture but anyway... Dianne
 
Dianne,

I wish you the best in figuring this out and peace with whatever terms you come to.

I'm thinking maybe your daughter and SIL will have some second thoughts about the arrangement they've requested. I'm not a new mom so I certainly don't know how the thinking goes these days.:)
 
Hey Dianne,

I, too, am sitting here with my jaw hanging. BTW, I am also a nurse, and my DD is expecting her 1st baby this fall, and they live less than 5 minutes away. So I will be a first time grandma. I intend to love and cherish my new grandchild, probably in much the same way you want to. But come on! A spreadsheet? Are they serious? PUHLEEZE! We raised our kids! We will be there to give advice if asked for, answer "medical" type questions that surely will arise, babysit *on occasion*, love always. But to have limits put on who, what, when is just plain ridiculous. And I have never heard of a baby that has to be held for 5 straight hours. Who thought up this e-mail idea? Did it, perhaps, not arise from the new parents? It SIL just trying to keep peace by keeping visitation down to a minimum so he and your DD can get rested and acquainted with the baby?
I am just flabberghasted by the suggestion that you must have an appointment, made in advance, not to just visit but be a daycare worker for your own grandchild. Of course I would never "just drop in" on my DD and SIL, and they don't do that to me, either. We respect eachothers' privacy and call first, and feel free to say "this isn't a good time."

SO, instead of running on here, this is my advice: Honestly and lovingly talk to your DD and SIL and say the truth: You have a full life now, a full-time job, and while you want to be a grandma (adding in here what you want to do to help, if anything), you can't commit to their schedule. (You shouldn't have been asked to in the first place!) Personally, I would not respond to the e-mail; I would wait until I was asked aout it and then say, "Yes, I was meaning to talk to you about that...."
Surely your DD knows you well enough to know how you would feel about it. And there is no reason for you to feel guilty, or like you must compete with other family members for your position in this family. You are the mother of the mother, for heaven's sake! I have never been able to figure out why some family members feel they need to "substitute parent" their kids' kids. The parents are the parents...others are there to love and support the family, not raise the child.

You have every right to have your life the way you want it. It is your life.

Sorry so long.......Julie

Oh, and as an aside: There is no way that I would go take care of a baby right after nursing for 8 hours. We need to shower, change clothes...you know what I am talking about!!
 
Hi Dianne,
I don't post here alot either, but I just had to respond to this. DO NOT BE MADE TO FEEL GUILITY BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE!!! I know how it is to be a first time Grandma! You want to love, cherish and bond with that little one, but you also have a life! It is all to easy for parents now to leave the care of the newborn to the grandparents while they get their "rest". I do not know about you but when my children were babies, I got my rest when they rested! No one came and took care of my children for me. I have also been through the In-laws taking control of the children's lives and hogging the grandchild. It makes you very uncomfortable to go visit the grandbaby and the In-Laws have the child and not offer to let you hold it even though they have been there for days! I have been on both sides of this. When my DS and DIL had their first child, I was the one that saw the most of the baby. When my DIL parent's would come over, I would immediately hand the baby to them since they did not get to spend as much time with her. When my DD and SIL had their first baby, the In laws were the one's that were always there and when I came over they would never hand the baby over to me. Now I have 3 grandchildren that I love dearly, but I only keep them when it is convenient for me. I finally had to put my foot down and tell my children that I have a life of my own and that I had already raised my children and that I did not want to raise any more! The excitment from the In laws quickly faded and they went on with their lives, but the children still wanted someone to take care of the baby so they could enjoy their lives. I made it clear to them that I loved the babies totally, but that my role as a grandparent was to play with them, love them and spoil them when I was with them, but that it would have to be at times that fit into my schedule. Stand your ground with your DD and your SIL as well as the In-laws. Do no sign up on a spreadsheet!!! That is insulting.
Kathy
 
Kathy, how long did it take for the in-laws to lose that excitement? DD MIL and StepMIL are falling all over themselves to sign up for sitting. Thanks for your nice response. Dianne
 
Hi Julie,
It took them about 6 months before they were not there all day and most of the night! There is just something about a new baby and especially if the baby is the first grandbaby. Everyone seems to be afraid that the baby is going to like one grandparent more than the other, therefore they try to spend every waking moment with the baby in hopes of comming out as the favorite grandparent.LOL But, the baby is going to love all the grandparents equally. As long as you spend enough time with the baby to form a bond, they will love you and cry after you just as much maybe even more than the grandparent that is with them every minute of the day. I started out with my first one trying to be there for them all the time. I would go everyday after work and keep Jade on the weekends so that they could rest. It did not take me long to figure out that I had much rather go visit the baby and enjoy my time with her than to try and be a Mommy again and that was what I was doing. I started keeping her 1 night a month so that they could get a break and have a good night's sleep, but other than that, I would just call and say, I am comming down to visit with Jade for a while. New babies are so exciting, but when you have them for hours on end you soon figure out that you are to old to start raising children again!
Kathy
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top