Need suggestions.

[lwseymour]

Hi ladies,
This is not about fitness, so forgive me for the off subject topic, but I need advice and I find that cyber friends usually give the best advice. Most of you (looks like from my reading your posts) have 2 children, sometimes 3. Was the decision to have the second child much more difficult for you than the decision to have the first? My son is over 4 years, and I am wrestling with the decision of whether or not to have a second child. When I say "wrestling", that's putting it mildly. For 1 1/2 years now, we have been trying to come to a decision, and we are no closer now than when we first begun. Did anybody else out there, have this difficulty? Looks like the first would have been a more difficult decision. Or maybe (because I know what work is involved with a child), is that why the second is a harder decision?

I have read a couple of books on the subject; and that has confused me even more. Yes, they actually write books on this subject now.

Would anyone mind giving me their stories, on how they made this decision? Personal stories would mean more to me than any book.

I would appreciate any help from you mommies out there.

Thanks!
Lisa

 

[Andrea]

Hi Lisa

I don't have two children, but am 3 1/2 mo. preg with my second. The first I had wanted forever. Then while preg my 1st husband turned into a....and to make a long story short I remarried a few years later, and my husband adopted my son. He has wanted another child all along, but it took me a while. I'd go through phases of wanting one, and then not wanting another one. When I finally found myself pregnant for the second time I was scared that I had made the wrong decision. Thoughts like "I had my life all in order!" and "I just love my son so much, what if I don't love the next kid as much" and of course "but I am in the best shape of my life now!" My son is 3 1/2 and I must tell you that being pregnant while he is old enough to understand is a whole new experience. He wants to talk to the baby and see the baby, and has gotten me very excited about it. I'm definitely glad I made this decision, and am excited to have a larger family. I know I won't have any more children, just because I don't handle the "sickness" part of preg very well. We also don't have the money for me to stay home with my children and having two children raised by someone else half the time is all the guilt I can take! I don't know if my story helps, but if you have any questions you can ask here or feel free to email me.

Andrea

 

[Daphne M]

Just always knew

Well, Lisa, here's my story. I am not sure if it will be helpful to you or not ... I always wanted lots of kids. But I didn't get married until I was 32. And we weren't blessed with our first child until I was 35.

After having Brad, I was so thankful. My heart spilled over with joy every waking moment. Norm and I talked about having another child, but knew we might not be lucky enough to conceive a 2nd time. We agreed that we were fortunate to have even had one child. HA! Twenty months later, along came my little daughter. I can't imagine my life without this little peanut. At age 3, she is my frequent workout partner and loves to do the double grapevine in the Interval Max cooldown with me.

Stopping at two children was a really easy decision, even though I had always dreamed of having 3 or 4 kids. My husband is a few years older than I am -- when my little girl graduates from high school in the year 2013, he will be 65 years old. I want the freedom to be able to travel and spend time with him then.

So sometimes the external things make the decision for you. I've never had any regrets.

 

[Daphne M]

Forgot to say

In my experience, the first few months of having 2 kids so close together in age were kind of tough. But after that, it was EASIER to have two than it was to have one. Even though my 2nd born should have been a LOT more work because she was born with a birth defect that meant I spent HOURS a day trying to feed her. My toddler son just loved playing with her. They still love to play together, which takes the pressure of constant parenting off me. Of course, you can't count on the 2nd born making your load a little easier, but it worked that way for me. It probably depends a lot on the personality of your kids.

 

[Kristin Aziz]

There may be no single right answer for you

First, realize (like it took me so long to do) that there will be no single perfect answer. There are pros and cons to having a second child. Whatever you decide, do it for the right reasons. Guilt over having "just one" shouldn't be a reason for having a second child. Different things work for different families. Only children do great. Kids with siblings do great. If all of your other decision-making strategies fail, make a pro/con list!

I have two children. My son will be 7 next month, and my daughter is 3 1/2. They are both wonderful kids (coming from a true mom), and I have absolutely no regrets having two children. I always knew that I wanted either two or three children (we believe now that we're going to stick with two--we don't want to throw the balance off--and we also would have to convert our office into a bedroom if we had another, LOL!). Planning our son was easy; it was just time. Planning our daughter was easy, too. After I found out I was pregnant with her, though, it was another story! I had many "What have we done!" moments! I always wondered if I could ever love another child as much as I loved my son. I also wondered how I would fit in quality time with the second baby. Those are such common fears. And it's amazing--those fears all disappear once the baby is born. But I don't love each of my children the same--I love them because they are my children, but I love them for their differences. I'll always have a connection with my son because he is my first and he is so much like me. I love my daughter for different reasons--she is mischievous with a sharp wit, she is my baby, and she is the daughter I wanted since I was a little girl.

Whatever your decision is, I'm sure it will be the right one for your family.

Kristin

 

[ebh87]

Perfect answer, Kristin

That is exactly what I wanted to say, but didn't know how! I have three kids, wanted more but have fertility problems. It was never a question for us, we always wanted a large family. However, I can see pros and cons of having siblings (I was an only child so the sibling thing is all new to me!) and certainly pros and cons of different family sizes. I will say that I cannot imagine life without my kids being here in the sense that there has never been any regrets - hope that makes sense. Good luck with your decision - it is an enormous one!
Erica

 

[BLinda]

Lots of Thought

We spent plenty of time wondering before we conceived the first-much of it waiting to be able to afford the first. So, of course we spent plenty of time wondering on the second too. Should we have another, how should we space them, can we actually manage to deal with another baby plus an older child, etc. Well, we didn't actually have the answers to those questions, but did want two children, so finally we just did it. The first month I had regrets and fears that we made a mistake, but it's been fine since. I think that may have been hormones talking.
One thing to realize is how different your second experience will be- It will be an entirely different person, you will be too, and you will have an older sibling to fit into those baby days. None of these are bad things, but they do make for an entirely different experience. Mine are about 4 years apart, and good things are taht my first was allowed to finish being a baby, and didn't have that jealousy that closer spaced children do, he knew I was pregnant, and thought that was cool, and he really does like babies. Bad thing- nearly everyone has theirs 2 years apart, so playgroups are harder to find (not as bad for you, as your first will be in school, so you still need only to find babies to include), since they do have different abilities it does hold the elder child back some, as we can't do everything we could if it were only him. Of course you get a list like this with every spacing.

I am debating on a third (I really want a girl), and have mostly decided not to try- I love babies, but am getting anxious to do more things that you can only do with older kids, and must admit that separating the family into 2 groups isn't what I want. I can't wait till they can both ride bikes well enough to go places, and I am dying to go white water rafting. Hiking the Grand Canyon would also be fun. I couldn't see doing any of these things with a baby on my back, and can't even go for shorter hikes till the youngest is at least 5 or 6. I don't think I want to drag it out any longer than that.

Probably this hasn't helped, but truthfully, there are wonderful things (sweet babies to hug, a sibling to interact with) and not so great things (lack of sleep, taking time away from you first child) about either decision. Whatever you decide, you will probably be happy with, and given the amount of thought you've put into it, you will always wonder what would have happened if.

 

[lwseymour]

Thanks everyone!

Thanks to all of you that responded to my post about a second child. I believe the advice from cyberfriends is sometimes even better than advice from family and friends. I will take everyone's responses to heart and will keep on trying to make this decision. Sometimes I look at my Daniel and think "you are so sweet, we MUST have another one of you" and then sometimes I think "I'm so glad you're my only child so all of my time can be dedicated to you". Sounds like most of you felt this exact same way at some point. Take care!
Lisa