Need help with a sticky situation (long!)

She sent me an email back that simply said "bummer". And I agree that it is a bummer!!! I wish I had a relationship with her where I felt comfortable with her.
 
I know if I was the sister in this situation - I would be horrified at having to ask for help all the time - divorce or separation situations are not easy and you would hope that your family would be the ones you could count on.....its too hard to impose on friends, but family is family - you are bonded together for life no matter what - there can still be boundaries but there should still be support.....

that is all I will say.......my opinion only.....remember that.....
 
Maybe you would have a better relationship with her if you reached out more.....even when you don't feel like it or that you should!!

Believe me - my sister and I are night and day - and she asks for favors at the WORST times - but I help her out whenever I can and just recently it is turning around. SHe is more open with me about things going on and has offered some help to me when I needed it but didn't want to ask - our relationship is turning around and it feels terrific!

Karma really does happen - maybe not equally, but it is worth the effort......:)

How would you respond to an email like that???
 
I think people are personalizing this situation way too much. What I would do or what you would do or what anyone else would do doesn't really matter. We're not in the middle of Amy's relationship or history with her sister, and she is doing what she thinks is right.

Marie
 
I agree Marie, this is Amy's situation and we are not privy to the in's and out's of this relationship. That being said, this is Amy's house and she has the right to say who can stay and who can't - even if it's family. It didn't sound to me that her sister was going to be homeless or anything because she couldn't stay there. I believe that you must have boundaries and limits with people, even if they are family. You can't just let people walk all over you and it sounds like Amy is really taking a stand here that takes a LOT of guts! I for one think you are doing the right thing. Don't let people get you down. Your instincts told you not to let her stay and you followed them. You should be proud of yourself! This may mean the start of a new relationship with your sister and it may turn out to be a really positive and great thing for the both of you! :)

C
 
I haven't looked at the other responses but sounds like your sister is going through a hard time and maybe needs a place to stay. Why are you so against her staying in your house. I'm sure she will take care of the cats, even thought it may not be up to your standards. I think some compassion for your sister is in order. After all, this is your sister, not a distant relative.
 
Let's get some things straight here. Amy is one of the most caring and giving people I have ever met - and yes, I have met her in person. She would literally give the shirt off her back if she felt it would do any good. If she feels that there is an issue here, I have absolutely no doubts in my mind that there is an issue. The biggest that I'm seeing is that she is constantly and consistantly steam rolled into doing what her mom and her sister want. Do you honestly believe she should be a doormat and let her family continue to steam roll her, or do you think she should do what she did, and stand up for herself and her rights. As for her sister - if this were the first time she seperated from her DH and needed a break, that would be one thing, but from reading the posts, this has happened before, and more than once. There comes a point where by providing a harbor you are no longer helping a person but enabling her.
 
Amy show's both maturity and self-respect. Karmically, that's all good. :) I am reading some co-dependancy ;)in some of these posts and personally, I don't think you do anyone a favor by not expecting them to deal with their situation, complicated or not. Amy's sister knew that her grandfather came home each summer when she moved in with her parents for the summer and he comes for a few weeks. Amy is leaving for 4 days which coincide with his visit but what of the remaining weeks? Amy's sister may as well figure out her digs for the duration of his stay now and surely the exclusion of 4 days at Amy's is not going to make an overwhelming difference to her. Perhaps she will decide to go to her own home and sort our her marriage. It could very well be that that is what she should do. People tend to take their problems with them when they go and there's no running away from them any way. I admire Amy's decision. Amy mentions complicated drama when referring to her family and states that that is not her way. She dosen't just talk the talk either. Honesty and saying what she means. I'm impressed!
Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
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Amy, dear, you did what YOU needed to do for YOU. Let's remember that her sister did not ask to stay there, rather, just invited herself. That's not okay in my book, whether family, friend or whoever. It's not about how much you love the person. Clearly, she does. It is about boundaries. If you don't have clear boundaries, oftentimes people will continue to trample your good graces -- certainly not all the time nor in every case -- but I certainly think so in Amy's case. You stood tall, you said your piece, and I applaud you. Remember that it does NOT mean you don't love your sister. It's alright, girl ;)


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
The idea that someone is not compassionate because she has a heartfelt objections to letting her sister or anyone stay in her home is ridiculous. It is also judgemental and presumtuous. Amy sounds like an atypical blacksheep to me. She strikes me as an honest, self-sufficient person who does want to play games of the type her mother and sister play judging from Chrinstine's post. Yes, I am reading between the lines since I don't know Amy well and have never met her as Christine has. I do understand that her instincts tell her to say no and she has asked for support, made her decision and she doesn't need to be chided for that or made to feel like she's terrible for not being someone else's idea of a compassionate sister. She isn't going to change her mind and have her sister come stay because someone thinks they have insight into what's going on with her sister and feels compelled to share. I feel the old adage that you can't say anythig nice you should say nothing at all can be amended to read if you don't support Amy's "My problem is: how do I tell my sister NO WAY without sounding rude, negative, bitter, self-centered, uncaring, arrogant, or any of the typical adjectives I tend to "earn" in situations like this when I explain that I cannot have her stay here?" you should leave it to those of us who can. She is not on the fence about this and she shouldn't be made to feel bad about her decision. We are trying to support her and your good intentioned pleas to are not helping.
Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/linie/smiley-linie-008.gif
 
Don't anyone dare call our Amy not compassionate! I'll send my DSs to beat you up.;-)

Amy expressed HER preferences to her sister who often only considers her own wants. Amy is far more mature and COMPASSIONATE than her sister.

Amy :* {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
 
I haven't been lucky enough to meet Amy in person like Christine has, but I do feel that I "know" Amy a bit, and I couldn't agree with Christine more. Amy is one of the most giving people I've ever "met". She always somehow manages to think of others and do nice things for people, even with her jam-packed hectic schedule. Amy is very different from her sister and her mother, who have no problem taking from others and not giving much back. Amy is always the strong one, and the one who gives and gives and gives. Not only don't they appreciate her enough, but it seems to me that they actually put her down. I for one am so proud of Amy for finally standing up for herself!

Personally, I think Amy needs to get away from that west coast and, (with apologies to Christine), come here to the east coast where she is appreciated. }( :+ ;-)

-Nancy
 
And they work as a team! A scrawny, energetic team! :)And if they can do endless pull ups and chin ups, their attack must to be horrific. The attack of scrawny and fierce but adorable little Melody protectors!
Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/linie/smiley-linie-008.gif
 
I think Amy's detractors may have missed her second post in which she said "I'm just coming into my own, it seems, and learning how to put myself ahead of my family. I have run into so much trouble in law school because of how I was taught to be- putting everyone else ahead of myself, regardless for how insignificant that person is in my life! It sounds strange, I know, but I can't expect to be an attorney if I'm afraid to speak my mind for fear of what someone will think of me for one afternoon."

That's a kind-hearted and gentle soul who has been backed into a corner one too many times and refuses to do it this time in spite of the manipulative machinations of her sister. It's a pleasure to see her come into her own and spread her lovely wings and fly. :)


Bobbi "Chicks rule!"http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/tiere/animal-smiley-032.gif
Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/linie/smiley-linie-008.gif
 
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