need advice

L

laura35

Cathlete
hi,

I need advice on what to do. My dad lives with me and my husband and has for years. If I would have known then what I know today I wouldnt have let him move in and now I am stuck. anyway, my dad will not take a bath, he sleeps in his clothes and wears them for a week or so. He stinks and I have told him and he eithers ignores me or gets mad. It gets to the point where the stench drifts out of his room into my kitchen. I cant take it anymore. He smells like crap,literally,not BO. we got into an arguement yesterday and he said if that is how you feel,making it sound like he would find somewhere else tolive ,which I wish he would but I cant tell him I want him out. He is my dad and the only one of the two parents that has been there for me. He has also helped with babysitting after school hrs and has been a big help in ways. I just told him though that he needs to has a little courtesy for the people around him and he doesnt care. After the fight we had yesterday I thought that he would have changed his clothes and took a bath and he didnt. still in the same clothes he has had on since last weekend and he stinks!!! my husband is getting fed up also. I dont know what to do. I have talked with my brother and sister about it but of course Its my problem. please help!!!
 
Laura,

How old is your father? Does he suffer from any illnesses?

Tracey
"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
"Where there's a will, there's a way."
 
Laura,

I feel bad for all of you. I too would be curious how old Dad is?
I had a friend who experienced the same problem. She never addressed
it w/him. Do you think he is depressed? It sounds like it to me.
Or he simply doesn't care. He is going to have to care. It seems
to me very unfair to you/your family. I don't know what kind of
relationship you two have but you had to get it off your chest.
In doing so your only helping him.

Suzanne
 
Laura, that is so sad. I can relate to some extent b/c my dad lived in this dump that started out as a nice house but since he never did any maintenance or cleaning whatsoever it turned into a crap shack. I mean, he literally had foliage growing into some bedroom windows & rather than take care of it he just shut the doors. I begged him for years to just sell the place & rent an apt. where someone would do all the work for him. Finally after 10 years he did & he keeps saying he wished he'd listened to me from the beginning.

And he doesn't bathe regularly either. What is it with old men & hygiene? He comes to visit quite often & while he doesn't smell to the extreme as your dad, he still doesn't smell very good. x( Also I know eventually when he needs to he'll be living with me.

I'm not sure if I can offer any advice. People, especially older folks, & especially our parents, get set in their ways & aren't very good at changing b/c someone tells them they should. Do you think you could convince him to see a social worker? Or maybe you could contact the sr. services office in your town & ask them for advice?

I do want to say you are doing a great thing for your dad. He's very lucky to have you. I hope everything works out OK........
 
Your dad sounds like my dad's twin!! My mother has all the same complaints and I never understood what she had to go through till my dad stayed with me a month while my mom went to visit family in Europe. After a week the greasy hair smell was beginning to make me sick and my husband with no smell sence was starting to worry our house was going to have a permanant grease smell. I got him a free 2 week gym pass at my gym and put him on the treadmill or the bike. I packed his gym bag with shampoo and a towel, told him to hit the steam room and shower. That was the only way I could get him to bathe. Since returning home my mom has enrolled him in a local community center equipped with showers. It seems to have helped and she is insured of at least three showers a week. I don't know what shape you dad is in or where you are financally, but this trick has really helped with my dad's hygene problem. Good luck! I know this must be so hard for you.

Cheryl
 
Just want to add that I think my dad was so bored and felt so lost that the beginning of depression were beginning to creep in. Getting out of the house and doing something really helped. The second week he started to exercise he had his gym bag ready to go. Just remember to pack clean underwear.

Cheryl
 
thanks everyone. He is 66 yrs old and doesnt do much except for go to ryans on fridays with his brother and my younger brother for lunch. I try to get him to do stuff and my sister has called him and invited him down and he says no. He lays in bed most of the days. I am sure he is somewhat depressed but his health is better , he can eat ,walk and bathe himself , thats more than alot of people his age can do. I work at a facility with handicapped people and he knows what kind of people we have there and I told him you are lucky compared to those people. He did finally change his clothes. I also went out and bought more candles and air fresheners for the house. When he leaves the house, I spray his room down with oust. That stuff really helps kill odor! It just bothers me because my one son alot of times sleeps with my dad, you know grampas boy and I dont want him to because of how unclean he is. My kids are getting use to the smell I think. my daughter sometimes tells him, pee you papa, you stink and he ignores her. I dont know, I told my older brother and sister that if anything happens to my mom, they are taking her. I am done, I have done my good deed. I love my dad, dont get me wrong but I am a very funny person when it comes to your appearance and hygiene. thanks again!
 
Laura--
Is there a geriatric clinic at your local hospital that does evaluations or a physician who is an "expert" with older patients. Even though he isn't that old, maybe he has an illness like dementia or depression, like you said, that could be treated. Even a regular physical could help get a new pair of eyes to look at the situation.

My uncle who now has Alzheimers was just an irritable pain in the a$$ for the decade before he was officially diagnosed. Maybe there are some early signals of some illness that a physician could figure out -- and take some burden off of you.

In the meantime: ((((((hugs))))))) to you to help you cope!

-Barb
:)
 
thanks barb. Truly I think my dad has never been clean but I was younger and never really paid attention or he hid it better. as kids we dont look at things like we do as adults. thanks!
 
>I am sure he is somewhat depressed but
>his health is better , he can eat ,walk and bathe himself ,
>thats more than alot of people his age can do.

66 isn't that old! Most people that age can do much more than 'eat, walk and bathe (them)selves'!

It sounds like he's either depressed, or has some kind of mental illness.
 
He is 66 yrs old and doesnt do much except
>for go to ryans on fridays with his brother and my younger
>brother for lunch. I am sure he is somewhat depressed but
>his health is better , he can eat ,walk and bathe himself ,
>thats more than alot of people his age can do.

Laura, my goodness, 66 isn't old by anyones standards. In fact, it sounds to me like your father is doing much WORSE than normal males in his age group. I would see about getting him in for a thorough examination to rule out any physical problems, then I would see about getting a mental health evaluation. This really sounds like depression to me, or some other mental illness.

Good luck with this and please keep us posted.
 
Laura,
I have to agree with Kathryn & Michele on this one...Your father is not doing as well as most men his age. My father is 65...he still works FT, is an avid gardener, and has just taken up working out. This does sound to me like a depression issue. As others said, try to get him in to see his doc and maybe give the doc a heads up about what you're seeing at home. If your dad refuses to go, you might want to arrange for a nurse to come into your house & bathe him. He might get so annoyed by that prospect that it'll snap him into action. Either way, this is not something you can let go. Good luck!! I hope your siblings rally together & help you out on this one!

Cathy
 
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