Need advice-stubborn college kid and weight gain!

C

Cosmo Mom

Cathlete
Hi all,
I need advice! I have a wonderful almost 19 yr old daughter, 1st year of college down.

My dilemma is that before she went to college, the last year of high school, she started packing on the pounds. I know why - she eats too much, the wrong things (carbs, sugar, salty, etc). She also REFUSES to do any exercise, even walk, yoga..anything. I know she's put on more weight since being away. We almost didn't recognize her - you can see the fluid retention, everything. She's about 5'4 and I'm guessing she's at least 175... Mind you at the time of her senior picture 8/2009 she weighed about 145.

Meanwhile, my husband and I exercise 5-6 days/week, eat very healthy, always looking for ways to take better care of us. We've tried everything under the sun to let her know how unhealthy she is eating/taking care of herself and it'll get worse.

Last year, as she gained weight, her cholesterol was really getting up there (my husband's genes). They had her counsel with a dietician which was useless. Her cholesterol wasn't coming down and she could have cared less.

My daughter is a smart girl, I don't know what to do at this point. She's home for the summer. I don't want to spend it fighting. She does have to have a check up with the doctor soon, so that's good. I wouldn't doubt it if she has to start taking cholesterol medicine.

What do you suggest to do? I'm at wit's end. It really disappoints/worries us that she is so stubborn about this. She's a pretty girl, but not all blown up!

If I don't say anything, she doesn't change, and if I say anything, she shuts down. Ugh! Love here to any others' experiences with this.:rolleyes:
 
If I don't say anything, she doesn't change, and if I say anything, she shuts down.
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Make sure whoever buys the food only brings healthy things into the house.

Invite her to join you for hikes, bike rides.....ect.

Don't you think she probably does feel badly about the weight and how she looks? She doesn't need to have her parents nag her about it. And it will never do any good anyway.

Do you think that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed?

What about her hometown friends , maybe they can be encouraging to her.
Tough Situation
 
I can only respond by saying that I went through something similar, except that, at about the same height, I was about 195 lbs. My parents never said a word. I knew perfectly well what was going on and felt terrible about it. The big difference is that I was always at least making an attempt to lose weight or getting ready to make an attempt to lose weight. The thing that made me take it truly seriously, the final straw, was when I found out that my boyfriend at the time (who had been seeing me throughout my weight gain) had told another friend of mine that he was worried about my health.

Eventually, she's got to do it for herself, and the "ah-ha moment" will probably come on its own. That doesn't mean you can't ever talk about it, but maybe if you don't bring it up for awhile, she'll bring it up on her own. If you and your husband are both healthy and fit, she's probably intimidated and doesn't know where to start, and may feel stupid even trying. So, my only advice is to enjoy being with your daughter this summer and try not to say anything. She knows, and there's not much more you can do. I know you probably feel helpless. :( But, you've helped as much as you can. I think at this point talking a lot about it will make her shut down even more. Just be ready with tons of (nonchalant, no-pressure) advice when she finally does ask for it.
 
I think Sam hit the nail on the head. It has to be her choice, her decision, her "ah-ha" moment that makes her decide to do something about her weight.

All you can do is set a good example, which it sounds like you are doing.

I know all about this from dealing with other issues (smoking, drinking) with loved ones. It isn't about you. It's about her, and until she decides she wants to change, there is just nothing you can do other than be there for her.

I understand your dismay. You are worried about her health. I was in the same boat, but ultimately my loved one finally realized that change was needed and did what was required. My love and support was all that I contributed.

Good luck to your daughter.
 
Cosmo Mom - I feel for you! It's obvious you love your daughter very much and just want her to be healthy. I have to agree with the other's... that it might be best for you to leave her to figure things out for herself. Tough as that is, you know she knows. Where you mentioned that she is stubborn - there is a theory about 'resistance' - it's argued that where there is resistance, there is also counter-resistance - meaning that as she is resisting what you want for her, you, in turn, are resisting what she wants for herself right now too. Try to go easy on her. It sounds like you want to have a great summer with her. And with her getting older - you've likely only got a few of those summers left to just enjoy her while she's young and still at home. And remember: beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. what matters is that you love her and she loves you. the rest is up to her. good luck.
 
The 'freshman 15' is quite common in college students. Most college food is pretty much the SAD diet, with lots of processed food, pizza, mac and cheese, etc. Many students also eat when they're stressed. Add to that the alcohol that many students start consuming on a regular basis, and it's a recipe for weight gain.

Since she's home for the summer, you have some control over her behavior. Make sure to just keep healthy foods around the house, and plan some weekly family activities that ARE active, like biking, hiking (things that she would enjoy because there's some 'carrot' at the end to tempt her...but not with 'treat' food).

I don't think you have to say anything (which could make her rebel and go the other way), just set a good example and provide an environment in which healthy choices are the easiest ones to make.

A student of mine, who is in his third year of college, recently lost over 100 pounds, but he didn't do it until he was ready, and he did it for and by himself.
 
This EXACT thing happened to me when I went to college. I was away from home and I ate for comfort and because I also had the freedom to do so... And I gained the freshman 20 (at least)! I already was a very chubby girl too... I eventually got so busy in college that I didn't have time to graze so I started losing weight. When I started working (as a newspaper reporter), I really got busy and lost more weight. I found that I could use that freedom to eat whatever I wanted worked both ways. I teetered on the edge of an eating disorder by choosing to not eat most of the time, which was just as unhealthy. I eventually found my balance, and your daughter will find hers too. Maybe in a non-passive-agressive way, invite her to start going to a yoga class or some kind of weekly workout class with you... Maybe start having a girls' day once a week where you shop at the farmer's market and cook what you buy together ... I know you worry about her, especially with the cholesterol issues, but I really think that the non-in-your-face approach will be the most effective. It would have been for me when I was that age. Good luck! :)
 
Thanks everyone for your input. It's apparent that she knows how we feel and we have tried to let her know about her portions, the butter, the salt. Yikes.

On the way home from college, she was saying how she wants to find more healthy alternatives at school next year - yea. I was real open to discussing that with her. Then she tells me she eats alot of salads at school, but I dont usually eat salads and gain weight ;)

I went out the next day and stocked up even more of an assortment of healthy foods for her to choose - you should see my frig!

What really seems to be her main issue is being sedentary. Everything she does is sitting down..watching movies, knitting, you name it. She has a great bike, she won't hike, walk (she's on to us:rolleyes:). We own a treadmill, a spinning bike.. OK, I'll stop.

So, I'll just supply the healthy foods, and zip my mouth.
Maybe this time the trip to the doctor will wake her up! If not, she'll get heavier at the rate she's going. I'll let you know if/when she has her A-HA moment!
 
I have 2 kids with very different body types and eating patterns. My did is naturally slim, eats tons of fruits and vegetables and without question participates in lots of physical activity. She is a competitive swimmer, swims on a college team and rides a hunter jumper horse. Let's just say when she would get out of the pool, people would exclaim that she looked like "a spider" with her long slim arms and legs. My younger child (son) prefers fat and sugar, refuses fruits and vegetables and prefers to read and research car engines (loves math passionately).

In my son's case, he started to really put on weight around his middle around age 12. I didn't want to give him a complex but I did try positive comments and small changes over time. My goal with him is that he stays the same weight as he continues to grow and after 1 year he is looking so so much better! Here's what I did:

1. He insisted on eating tons of eggo waffles every morning with tons of butter, syrup no matter how I tried to get him to reduce the amount. I just threw them out. That was it. He eats either life cereal or frosted mini wheats with 1% milk every day or an egg with wheat toast. Waffles are a once in a blue moon treat cause he has no control over the butter and syrup. I did this quietly without negative comments.

2. He has to eat a serving of fruit with every meal I have him around. (school lunch I pack apple slices, eternally hoping he will eat them but he never does and I still keep packing them. However, his pre-workout snack always includes a serving of fruit. So does his dinner. No second portions before he finishes his fruit. He still refuses to eat vegetables. He drank v8 for a while. Now I just give him vitamins.

3. He insists on an after dinner snack. No more big containers of ice cream in the house. I buy single serving light ice creams and he has that for a portion controlled snack. I don't say no snack at all cause I think it will lead to compulsive overeating. I tell him "You can eat anything you want, but you can't eat it all at the same time. You have what you want in reasonable portion sizes"

4. He swims 6x a week on a competitive swim team no exceptions unless he's sick or the rare huge school project. It is a 2 1/2 hour session each time that includes a 2 mile run or band work, pushups, burpees, chin ups,etc. My mom might suggest it's too much but he does no physical stuff voluntarily. (we have a basketball hoop, bikes, various assorted outdoor things with a huge yard but he'd rather read or play video games or design engines that he submits to car companies. Now he has his junior Olympic cuts and a small six pack and lots of friends. We also off road bike with him and if there's no swim he runs a couple miles with me. He is a much happier child, now.

With your daughter, I would eliminate all unhealthy processed food in your house but make no comment. It would be great if she would go to 1 weight watcher meeting with you. It is such a supportive atmosphere but it's tough to get someone at her age to do what you suggest. If she asks you what to do, you could attend a meeting with her but I wouldn't tell her to do it.

It's really a question of personal happiness for me because I don't feel well when I'm overweight and inactive. It affects the quality of my life. I think if she agreed to go for a daily walk with you, that would be a great start and very positive. Hth :)
 
I agree with the posters who wrote it is up to her to get that "aha" moment where she decides she wants to do something about her health and weight. My daughter gained some weight due to a thyroid issue but once she got that under control she did not lose weight right away. I tried to give her advice but she wouldn't take it. Finally, she decided at the beginning of this year to take off the weight for her wedding (earlier this month) and once she made that decision she was relentless. She worked out almost every day and ate really healthy. It paid off as she lost 20 pounds and looked awesome at her wedding and feels so much better. The point I'm trying to make is that all the time I tried to give her subtle (and not so subtle) weight loss tips and exercise tips was really useless until she was ready for it.
 
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