Need advice - social situations

M

moni_stout

Guest
I need some advice. I have developed some sort of tummy / gastro problem over the last several months that prevents me from eating most restaurant food or food that people put out at holiday parties. I have to bring my own food to everything. On top of that, I love to have a glass of wine with my meal pretty much daily -- but now I can't even enjoy that. I seem to almost instantly get a migraine if alcohol touches my lips.

It wouldn't bum me out so much if that wasn't what all of our social situations seemed to revolve around. That is all that anyone we socialize with does, eat and drink. So I can't stand being out with drunk people and being the completely sober person. It is irritating. I have been sending my husband out without me, because an evening with friends in a bar now feels like torture to me (can't eat that yummy greasy bar food or even have a drink). I don't know what to do.

It seems like the only things I enjoy, are activities that I do alone - exercising, playing piano, etc. I have talked to my husband and he understands and is very patient. He stays home with me a lot and he eats the food that I prepare that I can tolerate. But of course, he likes to go out now and then and eat some good food and have a drink.

Last night he went out with a bunch of our friends to a brewery in town as he is on vacation (I'm at work as I type). I felt very jealous that he was out eating his chicken wings having a beer and a good time. Sure I could tag along, but I only want to stay and hour or two because I get bored after a while of drinking my hot tea and eating my purse snacks.

Does anyone have advice? I don't know what to do about this situation. Now New Year's Eve is coming up and our friend is having a party. I have to be honest, the last thing in the world I want to do is sit around all night and watch people get drunk. How boring, and after a while obnoxious. It kind of looks like all we have in common with our friends is food and drinks, what do you do when that is gone too?

Monica
 
Coming from a slightly different perspetive... my DH is a recovering alcoholic. When he got sober, almost 8 years ago, we simply changed our choice of friends and lifestyle.

It sounds a bit harsh, but your friends are not going to change for you, so you need to branch out and find new friends that like to do things other than eat and drink at bars. And this means both of you.

This is not to say you should dump your old friends, and never get together with them again, but it sounds like that is your and DH's only outside socializing. The two of you need to head in a different direction.

My DH and I still go to a bar once in a while, and I have a cocktail and he doesn't, but we don't make bars the center of our social life. The friends we have now are more conducive to our lifestyle. Regardless of the reason for your change in habits (not drinking, eating different foods), life evolves continuously... new friends and different sources of entertainment are a good thing, regardless of your reason.

Good luck! :)
 
I am so glad you posted this, because I've been on the verge of posting a similar thread, which I think is along the same lines. No hijacking intended, but I was going to post that only a very few of my friends have a similar approach to life, nutrition and fitness. Most of them are drinking buddies; get together with the girls and have wine. They are mostly overweight to different degrees, don't exercise, drink too much, eat too much. I'm sick of hanging around with them doing the same old stuff with a focus on drinking. I maintain my life of fitness and good diet, but it's getting old having to RETREAT to myself to live my healthy life. Do you know what I mean and don't you think that is a very similar issue to yours?? When I do hang out with my very best, very like-minded friends, it feels so easy and good. So, same fundamental question: How do you make the adjustment without offending your social friends? Or do you just limit the time you spend with them?? Love to hear from others and please don't think this is a hijack!!
 
Hi Charlotte,

I don't think that it is a hijack at all. In fact it is nice to hear that others have the same problem. I think that JeanneMarie gave some good advice, that we need to branch out in our choice of friends. It can be hard to make new friends as an adult.

I cancelled my gym membership because I enjoy working out at home so much, but maybe I should consider joining again just to socialize a bit.

Hopefully we can get some good advice Charlotte! I feel so alone sometimes -- and my friends make me feel like I am a "freak" because I work out for an hour or so daily and don't (can't) eat crap food.

Monica
 
Monica,
I am very similar--with migraines and alcohol and food-wise, I have chosen to eat vegan, mostly because it makes me feel better and it definitely has helped control my migraines and problems with fatigue and muscle pain.

I think what Jeanne Marie said is right on. Find people who support you and spend as much time with them as you can. It takes time to build new connections with people. The transition time is definitely difficult and lonely.

We have had to change a lot of our social patterns and friends based not only on my diet/nutrition/lifestyle changes, but my kids & DH have moved in my direction over the past 2-3 years, so our who family has experienced this.

I have some "friends" who are always making digs or comments about how "healthy" I am, but I have learned to respond very positively always about the things I do with diet and exercise that make me feel happy and healthy. I also try to watch that I don't inadvertently say something critical about their choices.

I think you can get a lot of good energy out of how you handle it, meaning don't let it get you down, hold your head hight and actively think of how it's helping you and then use that feeling to guide what you say and do around others.

I think this is a great thing to post at this time of year!
-Barb


:) :)
 
Charlotte and Monica,

Do you two by any chance live close to each other? Because maybe you guys should be friends!:D

Amy
 
>Charlotte and Monica,
>
>Do you two by any chance live close to each other? Because
>maybe you guys should be friends!:D
>
>Amy

*******************************************

Good thinking Amy!

I am in St. Louis, MO.

Monica
 
Interesting.........

On a different perspective - maybe go check with your doctor about how wine gives you headaches?? Is it all types of wine? Beer? Margaritas? I know that after awhile I figured out that Budlight products were causing me to get my rash on my arms and severe headaches. I stear clear of that for sure!!! Miller light does not bother me whatsoever....

I also see where you are coming from - I eat healthy as much as humanly possible and holiday food gatherings do upset my stomache, but I stay away from the rich sweets and stick to ham and potatoes and salad and am totally fine........ I love going out to eat though! LOVE LOVE LOVE to try new foods - Cajun, Thai, Italian, ect......but on almost all menus now are lighter options - salmon and veggies or steak and baked potato - chicken and rice pilaf - If I stay away from the overly loaded sour cream....i usually feel better....I always workout six days a week and watch what I eat and am no way overweight whatsoever......i don't go out every weekend, but usually once a week to dinner or something at least with hubby.

I know if my hubby had those problems I would suggest trying prilosec, beano, ect and then consult a doctor if the problems were mainly stomache issues??

I love socializing and playing games - even if I only have a drink or two....so I would be deeply hurt if my hubby quit going with me. On the other hand, maybe branching out and making new friends is a great idea. . . but even the friends that I have that DON'T drink (and I have a few) LOVE going out to eat and trying new foods, its just something our culture puts a high emphasis on. We also enjoy seeing a movie and playing board games as well...(beer involved or not)......

You probably will never be able to change the way Holiday parties are done, but my cousin actually brings HUGE bowls of her own food to them - Fruit Bowls - and veggie trays or broccoli salad.....so there is an idea as well.....

Hope this helps a little bit :) Drink non-alcoholic beverages - a virgin diaquari is just as good as one with the liquor :)
 
>I need some advice. I have developed some sort of tummy /
>gastro problem over the last several months that prevents me
>from eating most restaurant food or food that people put out
>at holiday parties. I have to bring my own food to
>everything. On top of that, I love to have a glass of wine
>with my meal pretty much daily -- but now I can't even enjoy
>that. I seem to almost instantly get a migraine if alcohol
>touches my lips.
>


I guess I am the only one with the huge red flag going up. You said over the last several months and the way you word this you act like it is all kinds of foods that you can't tolerate anymore. If you used to be able to tolerate these foods and now all of a sudden you can't drink alchohol or eat at a restaurant, you need to see your doctor. Have you?? This could be something serious. You need to get that checked out.

What is your "own food" or you "purse snacks"???
And also, why do you say your body can't "tolerate" these foods anymore? (ie, you get diarrhea, constipation, GERD, you feel fat, you feel like crap, etc)

Why can't you get virgin drinks? Surely, there is something you can order from the menu that is healthier?

It sounds as if maybe you just don't enjoy the things you used to enjoy, possibly since you adopted a healthier lifestyle. You do need to put yourself in circles with those who enjoy being healthy and fit. If you had enough in common, I doubt you would be so hesistant on going out and having a virgin drink. Sounds like you need new friends cuz you probably don't have much in common. I can totally relate to that, BTW.

Please elaborate for us..:)
 
My stomach problems came on pretty quickly. Every time I eat any food with more than a couple of grams of fat I get pain in my abdomen that radiates up through my back. I have classic gall stone symptoms -- however after many tests we have found that I do not have gall stones and there is nothing wrong with my gall bladder. Over the last few months I have had so many tests done, HIDA scans, ultrasounds, endoscopy, endoscopic ultrasound, MRI. They cannot find what is causing the pain. They did happen to notice a small liver tumor. The doctor suspects SOD (Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction). I am seeing a new specialist who is recommending a procedure that is called an ERCP that is associated with a high rate of serious complications, and a low rate of resulting in relief of symptoms. I do not want to have the procedure done at all.

I apologize for the long message, as this is probably way more than you wanted to know, but that is the jist of it. All alcohol suddenly started causing migraines as well. I have always had migraines, but now they seem extremely sensitive. The doctor also wants me to stop alcohol in case I have chronic pancreatis.

My diet has to be extremely low fat. I can have lots of sugar, salt, etc. just not fat. I don't know what brought all this on. Honestly, my life feels very stress free. I have a great life! Who knows, things could be worse.

Anyway, as you can see - lots of limitations when it comes to eating out. Most restaurants use oil in their dishes. I have found two asian restaurants that will use broth instead of oil when cooking my veggies, so those are the two restaurants we go out to.

Thanks for all the suggestions and ideas everyone has been sharing. It is good to get others' perspectives!

Monica
 
I had similar food issues a few years ago. I still socialized and let others eat around me. For me I did find one or two things I could eat when I ate out and did that or brought my own to munch when others around me couldn't. No restruant is going to quibble about that and risk offending the other patrons who are hanging with you.

Now over ten years later, I have closely honed in on my problem...if GOD didn't make it, I can't eat it. artificial anything gives me a hard time. So I have limitted my diet to things I know what goes into it.

Now on special occasions I can in limitted quantities go "off the wagon" and eat out but a sip of anything that isn't water, is all I can tolerate.

I have a dear friend who is even worse with allergies and he pretty much brings his own food everywhere.

Now as for friends that have difficulty with this, it is their problem not yours.

My sons inlaws kind of thought I was a boring non drinker I think. We had a turning point recently. They had us over and a former student of mine was dating someone at their home. THe student hugged me off my feet and began to tell them stories of my "coolness". I could see them in that instant get past my lack of alcohol. She has always been very nice about my other wierd eating habits though.

You can have fun and eat what you want with who you want. Go for it.

Teachreef
 
I too agree with JeanneMarie; branching out and finding others (and they are out there, trust me) whose lifestyles in terms of nutrition and alcohol abstinence reflect yours would be your best bet. I do think reactivating your gym membership would be a good thing to consider: people who care about exercise usually care about nutrition too, and you will find others who are also precise about their diets.

I myself am a sober alcoholic (19+ years so far) and yes, when alcohol is erased from the social equation things can't help but change. Isn't it funny that you have to be drunk to enjoy the company of drunks? I don't go to bars at all, and don't miss 'em a bit. DH is a teetotaller but for his annual 1.23 glasses of Passover wine (which make him tiddly), and our friends are teetotallers too just naturally. I love it.

a-Jock
 
Monica - All I can say is ((((((HUGS)))). I am sure that it very hard to have your lifestyle changed very quickly. I hope that whatever it is, is not very serious.

Talk to you in the check-in. Hang in there ok?

Lea
 
Hey, Monica - we are like minded women and we should be great friends!! I see that you are in MO and I am in South Texas, so it will be a long distance relationship;-)

Janice said it for me, really: "It sounds as if maybe you just don't enjoy the things you used to enjoy, possibly since you adopted a healthier lifestyle. You do need to put yourself in circles with those who enjoy being healthy and fit. If you had enough in common, I doubt you would be so hesistant on going out and having a virgin drink. Sounds like you need new friends cuz you probably don't have much in common."

That hits it on the head for me - and for 2007 I really have decided to focus on developing those relationships that are a better fit. Remember how I gave Tae Bo tapes to my friends and a copy of Eat to Live?? They thought I was a kook and mentally discarded it right away.
;(
 
(((((Monica)))))

Well, sounds like you have had it all checked out, that is good to hear. I am sorry and like another poster said, it must be very difficult to have your life changed so much all of a sudden.

I hope you can find relief soon, but you can also look at this as a positive. Look how much healthier you are eating now...Get some new friends that appreciate your new lifestyle and would like to go play tennis or something rather than eat and get drunk. Those people are hard to find, I know.

There are so many people on this forum that seem to have this problem..meeting others with the same interests..etc. I just wonder where all these people are in real life. I personally would love to find friends like you all in real life.;( We could all go hiking together!;-)
 
Everyone has given very good advice! I have stomach issues, too, and I had to work hard and come up with a list of restaurants that don't affect me as much. If you could find a couple restaurants, maybe that would expand the circle a little. I always ask for everything cooked without fat, oil, or butter.
 
I think your situation is different from that of someone who voluntarily gave up 'bad' foods and alcohol and just doesn't enjoy them anymore. It sounds like you'd really like to enjoy them. Finding a new group of people to hang out with might help, but I have a feeling you may really want to "hang around and get drunk" with your current friends. That's a tough one.

Your body seems to be guiding you to a healthier way of eating in spite of you.

For New Year's, can you stay for a couple of hours, socialize, drink something that might look alcoholic but isn't (mineral water with an olive in, etc.) and leave by 11? By that time, most of the drinkers will be too sloshed to notice if you're there or not (if your friends really get as drunk as it seems in your first post.)

I personally don't like to hang around people who drink (past the point of one or two casual drinks) because almost everybody acts very unattractively when they are drunk.

For eating occasions, call the restaurant ahead of time and see if you can arrange to have foods prepared in a way that you can tolerate. There are also whole foods restaurants/vegetarian restaurants that serve healthier fare that you might be able to tolerate (but, depending on their tastes, may not appeal to your friends).
 
Maybe hearing about my own situation might spark some ideas:

1) My system can't tolerate certain foods, anymore, because I've been without them for too long. For example, after eating a bunch of fattening foods at my in-laws over Christmas, I woke up at 2am with serious intestinal issues. I actually thought I was coming down with a stomach bug, because the feeling reminded me of the way I felt years ago when I got what I can only assume was a norovirus. But after an hour or two (and a couple of cups of hot, herbal tea), my intestines calmed down enough for me to go back to bed. But I was cramped up and gassy off-and-on for another 12-24 hours. This is normal for me when I eat too much "junk", so I've learned to say "when".

2) I am allergic to alcohol. Perhaps you've developed an allergy to alcohol, as well, which would explain the migraines. There is no rule that says you have to drink in social situations. I don't drink alcohol at all, anymore, and never drank much when I was younger, either. I never feel awkward for not drinking, and the people I'm with never even notice. They could really care less. I don't know if it's just that I'm more mature about this, or that I just don't give a rat's patooty about what people think...but if anyone has a problem with me not drinking, they can kiss my behind. I don't need friends like that, and neither do you.

3) At the beginning of 2006, I had several health issues that I just couldn't resolve: severe headaches/migraines, digestive problems, BAD gas that caused severe abdominal pain, dizziness, irritable bowel, tiredness...the list goes on and on. I'd been to doctors for some of these issues in the past, and we NEVER were able to figure out what was wrong. So, in March of this year, I decided to try a cleanse and bought the product at www.drnatura.com . All I can say is WOW! All (and I mean, ALL) of my problems disappeared. After doing some more research, it appears I suffer from an over-abundance of candida in my system. Candida are microscopic parasites, and produce a wide range of symptoms (many of which were on my list of problems) when in over-abundance. The cleanse flushed the candida out of my body and for the first time since I can remember, I felt alive again - as if I was 10 years younger. I'll be doing a maintenance cleanse in the next couple of months, and will do one a year for the rest of my life. It gave me my life back. Perhaps you should try a cleanse to see if it helps with your problems. It couldn't hurt, as long as you get one that's gentle. The Colonix cleanse at drnatura.com was very gentle.

Good luck!
 
>Maybe hearing about my own situation might spark some ideas:
>
>1) My system can't tolerate certain foods, anymore, because
>I've been without them for too long. For example, after
>eating a bunch of fattening foods at my in-laws over
>Christmas, I woke up at 2am with serious intestinal issues. I
>actually thought I was coming down with a stomach bug, because
>the feeling reminded me of the way I felt years ago when I got
>what I can only assume was a norovirus. But after an hour or
>two (and a couple of cups of hot, herbal tea), my intestines
>calmed down enough for me to go back to bed. But I was
>cramped up and gassy off-and-on for another 12-24 hours. This
>is normal for me when I eat too much "junk", so I've learned
>to say "when".
>
>2) I am allergic to alcohol. Perhaps you've developed an
>allergy to alcohol, as well, which would explain the
>migraines. There is no rule that says you have to drink in
>social situations. I don't drink alcohol at all, anymore, and
>never drank much when I was younger, either. I never feel
>awkward for not drinking, and the people I'm with never even
>notice. They could really care less. I don't know if it's
>just that I'm more mature about this, or that I just don't
>give a rat's patooty about what people think...but if anyone
>has a problem with me not drinking, they can kiss my behind.
>I don't need friends like that, and neither do you.
>
>3) At the beginning of 2006, I had several health issues that
>I just couldn't resolve: severe headaches/migraines, digestive
>problems, BAD gas that caused severe abdominal pain,
>dizziness, irritable bowel, tiredness...the list goes on and
>on. I'd been to doctors for some of these issues in the past,
>and we NEVER were able to figure out what was wrong. So, in
>March of this year, I decided to try a cleanse and bought the
>product at www.drnatura.com . All I can say is WOW! All (and
>I mean, ALL) of my problems disappeared. After doing some
>more research, it appears I suffer from an over-abundance of
>candida in my system. Candida are microscopic parasites, and
>produce a wide range of symptoms (many of which were on my
>list of problems) when in over-abundance. The cleanse flushed
>the candida out of my body and for the first time since I can
>remember, I felt alive again - as if I was 10 years younger.
>I'll be doing a maintenance cleanse in the next couple of
>months, and will do one a year for the rest of my life. It
>gave me my life back. Perhaps you should try a cleanse to see
>if it helps with your problems. It couldn't hurt, as long as
>you get one that's gentle. The Colonix cleanse at
>drnatura.com was very gentle.
>
>Good luck!

Thanks for the advice CatWoman. I will definitely check-out the Colonix cleanse you tried. I haven't tried any homeopathic remedies yet, not sure why.

That is interesting that you developed an alcohol allergy - perhaps I have. None of my friends really care or notice that I don't drink, but I just find that it is a lot harder to be around drunk people when you are sober. Honestly, I never have been able to handle more than a drink or two. I never get drunk, one drink or two just made me a little looser I suppose. I don't really miss drinking at all, it just seems to be the center of all our social gatherings. I have gotten some good advice from this post though, I do need to enlarge my circle of friends. I also think that a lot of our friends definitely have issues / addictions with drinking.

My husband told me tonight that he doesn't want a wife that drinks and parties a lot. He loves me exactly for who I am, and it was nice to hear that.

I think that a goal for next year will be to evaluate friendships/relationships and form at least one new one that is healthy.

Thanks!
Monica
 
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