Need advice on crabby co-worker -

R

RachelleS

Cathlete
I swear she's bipolar. You don't know from one minute to the next what you are going to get. We share an office and for the most part, I can take it - she's has a big heart but . . . now her anger is at me and for 3 weeks she totally ignored me and made my work environment really uncomfortable (all because I had permission to go out of town the weekend of our annual meeting so I had to miss it - I'm guessing). Then she talked to me for a couple of weeks but now we are back at it & I have no idea why. I work part-time and the gal I share a desk with comes in the afternoon and had some words with her - but it's me that she is being so rude to. Answers me in cold, mean "yes", "no", throws envelopes at me on my desk, etc. I am suppose to confront her but have no clue what to say. She intimidates me and then I'm mad at myself afterwards for NOT calling her on it and saying something. Usually I don't have the problem of not sticking up for myself - but I don't like confrontations either. Today was the last straw and I know I have to say something to her - but what???

Any ideas????? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi, Just accept it. Its her problem not hers. Don't let it get to you. I worked with someone like this once and it was a roller coaster ride. She could go for weeks of being in a snit and giving me or someone else or a group of us the cold shoulder. Why should you have to stress yourself out about her problem. Also, if she starts talking to you again and you start warming up to her, beware...you are just setting yourself up for this to happen again as you have noted this pattern in her. After several incidents with my old co-worker, I adopted the policy of only being cordial and discussing only what absolutely needd to be discussed with her on a professional level. Her moods didn't bother me after that. She treid to make us all feel that we were responsible for the problems in her life. I didn't and don't have time for that crap.
 
PS. Also wanted to note, that the first time this happened, I thought I did something wrong. I asked her what I did, and she just started crying and wouldn't say anything to me. It hapeened several times before I got the drift that this was her problem and a pattern. She even would leave notes for people regrading buisness stuff instead of speaking with the. Sorry to rant, but this type of behavior can overwhelm a co=worker if you are not prepared for this passive type of assault.
 
You sound like me in the sense of being nonconfrontational. I don't like confrontations either. I usually let things slide...unitl I've had it (like you again). However, have you ever considered that maybe her anger is not towards you? Maybe she is unhappy at her job or in her life and just takes it out on whoever happens to be there. I'm very sensitive and always let things like this get to me also.....but try to think of what I said above next time you see her being angry. I bet it has nothing to do with you at all and she's just miserable about something else. I think I may even be guilty of this from time to time. I dislike my current job environment so much.....that when I'm in a bad mood....maybe people think I'm angry at them.

It's difficult to work with someone like this though. Too bad she's unhappy. Maybe you should buy her a Cathe DVD for X-mas and she'll turn into a Catheite and be happy! LOL
 
That's rough. I really feel for you. I can't stand confrontation either and have trouble standing up for myself. But I've learned to do it anyway.

I think you need to force her to deal with you on work matters even when she's not inclined. If she gives you a one-word answer, and you need more, tell her you need more detail. Don't let her moods interfere with the quality of the work in the office. You have to be the "adult" and insist that work product comes first. Let her know by your actions that her spoiled brat moods don't matter to you, and that all you're interested in is making sure the work product, whatever it may be, is top notch.

Resolve yourself, be insistent and consistent, and just don't let her get in your way. You'll be surprised how quickly things will turn around once you "make your commitments", to use a Cathe phrase.

-Nancy
 
I would be inclined to say something like "look, obviously there are some issues here, but we can't work like this, it's very uncomfortable. I think we need to work this out.". Because honestly, you share a workspace with this person. You can't ignore it.

It's either that, or I come over and deck her for you}(
 
Of course Shelley is right, but as someone who has trouble confronting people, you may not be able to confront her directly, in which case I think it can work just as well to exude an attitude. It usually works for me.

Or else just have Shelley come over and deck her. That is, after she's done decking a few people at my office. :+
 
I agree w/Shelley also. And it doesn't have to be confrontational. You can say something like "gee, you've been really unhappy lately, is there something I can do?" Or maybe "is the job getting to you b/c you seem awfully stressed."

But do bear in mind that you have no reason to be intimidated by this woman. Unless she's your supervisor you should not be afraid of her, & you certainly shouldn't have to work in an uncomfortable environment. If you try to talk to her & don't get results, I would suggest going to someone in management. Hopefully someone who's friendly & understands you're not trying to get someone in trouble, you're just trying to be your most productive while you're at work.
 
How about something like "hey, have I done something to offend you?" She'll probably be like "no why?" or "why do you think so?" and it gives you the "in" to say that you guys used to get along and work well together and lately she seems a little perturbed at you and you would feel badly if you had offended her or would at least want to know so it doesn't happen again. That way, it is confrontation but sort of "masked confrontation," if you will.

Somtimes people don't even realize that they are being snippy with people that they see every day & you need to remind them that you are there and you don't deserve abuse in their tough times.

Christine :)
 
I haven't read everybody else's responses, yet, but I'd just dish it right back at her. And if she got in a snit with me about it, I'd probably let her have it with both barrels. "Sooo, you can be a snotty rude crabapple to me, but when I dish it back to you, I have the problem, huh? Look, Linda (or whatever her name is), I've had it with your abusive treatment. I don't know what I've done to you to get your underwear in a bunge, but your behavior is no way of going about getting it resolved. You don't have to like me and I don't have to like you, but I'll be d@mned if I'm going to take your $hit, anymore. Don't throw things on my desk, anymore. If I ask you a question, I expect a professional, courteous response, not a snippy, hostile 'yes' or 'no'. If you can't handle that, and if you can't grow up enough to express your problems to me professionally, then request to be moved somewhere else. But I've had it with your attitude." Then, turn around and do something on your computer screen. If she tries to argue back, look at her calmly and say, "I suggest you cool off and think about this before we talk further, Linda; otherwise, it'll get ugly, and neither of us wants anymore of that, right?" Then, turn away and have nothing further to say to her, no matter what she says to you. JUST IGNORE HER AT THAT POINT.

If her attitude hasn't changed by the next day, then go to your HR department and tell them what's been happening, and tell them what you said to her. Tell them that her behavior and attitude are unacceptable and that you would like to be moved, or for her to be moved. If others have had a problem with her, too, then tell HR that, as well.

Good luck. Crabby coworkers are no fun (I've got one right now that I'm looking forward to leaving next week when I head off to my new job. People are already a little nervous about that here. Too bad, they had their chance to keep me, and they blew it.)
 
Thank you all for the great responses! I appreciate them all.

I was all set to say something to her today after a rude comment or action - and she was nice to me so I didn't have an "in". But I'm not going to let her do this again. As soon as I have an opening, I'm going for it. She intimidates everyone in the office. It's a small office, all women, and we have a wonderful, wonderful group of women. They ALL understand because she takes turns being mad at each of us - it's just harder when you share the office. It's going to be confronted by the ones above her - but I need to do it myself also and hopefully before they do.

My daughter who is nine asked me yesterday how my day at work was and I said, so-so. She asked why and I said "Linda" wasn't very nice to me again and she said, "why don't you ask her what's wrong?" - out of the mouth of babes. A part of me doesn't want to ask because I feel like I'm catering to her childish behavior - but I was thinking of saying "that was uncalled for. You've been really rude to me lately. If you have a problem with me, you need to let me know what it is instead of treating me this way." Or something like that.

But I do have to stop it - I'm LETTING her treat me this way and it's got to stop. I tried the ignoring it and that only worked for so long - now that she knows that is how I was handling it, she continues to be disrespectful. The not speaking to me is one thing but the being overly rude is another.

Thanks again. You should all be recruited by Dr. Phil!!!!!
 
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