Moving forward in a positive direction....

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Do you think when you are trying to move forward in your life in a positive direction that it is necessary to cut your ties as much as possible to those that hold you back? My story:

I ask because while my Mom may not mean to hold me back, she does. In my mind, she is still critical of me and I am constantly worried about what she is thinking, although on the surface I appear not to be. It is pretty easy to limit my time with my sister and father...but not my Mom. I work with her. Yep, she is 5 feet away from me, everyday, Monday thru Friday, full time. Can you imagine??!!

It was a good thing in the beginning, but now that I want to change directions, the guilt of leaving is plagueing me. She is oh-so subtley trying to keep me there, mostly probably because it makes her feel secure. To make matters worse, we are busy at work and have lost quite a few people thru layoffs. She runs the department I work in and my leaving will adversely impact her. Truth be told, I have been sick of this job for a while. If not for my mother, I most likely would have quit a LONG time ago. My back hurts from the constant sitting...has for a long time. Most importantly, this job keeps me from sharing any common days off with my husband and this, after 5 years, is really taking its toll on our relationship.

I am going into nursing school in July and yearn to make a completely fresh start at my life. I need to believe I can do it and everytime I see my Mom she makes me feel like I cannot. Like I won't succeed. I know this is a problem within me and I know I have to work on this. I am reading self help books and starting to think that I am okay...until I see my family. :) But do you feel that keeping this job for financial security is silly? I know many people keep jobs they hate for the money but most of those people don't work with their parents. I am thinking that I can take out student loan for the first semester of school and have time to spend with my husband.

I know negative people are everywhere and I will never free myself from that, but I feel like I have so many people in my life (most of my family and my current co-workers) that are not supporting what I want to do. I feel they are dragging me down. I am afraid that with their influence, combined with the stress of beginning nursing school, I will give up before I ever even got started. And I don't want to. I want to create a life that I can be proud of and that I will enjoy.

Would you quit and start over even if it meant some financial distress for a while? Do you think I need to quit this job to work on myself mentally, without the influence of my mother who's approval I can't seem to quit seeking?

I want to change my thinking. I want to change my life. Do I need to get away from my mother if she doesn't support me?

One of my major problems is that I cannot seem to make decisions on my own (hence this question):)

Your comments are appreciated!!
 
I would have to say, yes. You need to get away from your mother. She loves you, you love her, but it doesn't sound like you are growing the way you need to. You aren't being fed what you need to as a human being to thrive. What does your husband feel? You especially need to go somewhere else if your work is interfering in your relationship with him.

Does she ever say anything to make you feel insecure about your decisions? Or is it just how you feel? If you are surrounded by people who aren't helping you reach your goals and encouraging you to do what is right and best for you, then you need to surround yourself with people that will. If you are trying to lose weight, you wouldn't hang out at a doughnut shop, would you? Same thing here. You need to find a support group, even people with the same goals as you, so that you can succeed. It is always easier to do it with the encouragement of others than to do it alone, or worse, with others who don't want you to reach your goals.

If your mother doesn't support you, then you don't need to stay away from her, but you should tell her how you feel. Tell her that she doesn't have to agree with you and that you need her to be happy for you and support you. If she doesn't respect your decision and she just nags and manipulates you, then I would limit your time with her. You are a grown woman and you have a husband and you don't need her approval anymore. You can't live your life trying to please someone else. (I would tell her that, too, but I am very blunt and assertive.)

I hope that this made sense. I feel like sometimes I rush through my thinking and don't get it all our right. If I think of anything else, I will repost or IM you. I konw this is hard for you. DH went through the same thing with his mom. I will pray for you!!

Missy
 
You know Missy, she doesn't say anything directly abusive, like "Oh you are going to fail" or "You are horrible" or anything like that. She just doesn't say anything positive. I guess I really want her to acknowlege all my hard work and drive in preparing for this and she acts like I simply told her I got a new outfit. She doesn't ask me about school or talk to me about my feelings, etc, etc. I know she doesn't have to *care* but I guess working with her everyday is like rubbing my nose in her lack of enthusiasm for me. She makes vague comments like about not wanting to lose my current job (how will I ever have security!!). I mean, this is a HUGE opportunity for me and currently I work with a company that I will go NOWHERE in!! How could I really lose??? Seriously, you have to consider the source. My mom spent most of her adult life dealing with and financially supporting my alcoholic father. That is all she knows. She has moved on to another man and feels she is "healthy" now. But in times like this I see how she is not so healthy because she is threatened by me. And I just want her to be happy for me and be confident in me and I guess it will never come.


I should talk with her. I am very scared to do so. Thank you for replying. :)
 
I know that it is so hard! Really, all that any of us want is for our parents to proud of what we do. It will be hard to do something that makes your mom feel uncomfortable. What does your husband do? Do DH and DM get along? My mom is very much like yours in the aspect that she wants me financially secure, but that she doesn't want me to rely on my DH for it. She had very hard marriages, too. Ironically, one was an alchoholic also. It is hard for her to see me as a stay at home mom, but I am happy and she sees that Dan and I have a healthy and loving relationship, so that makes her feel secure and she only praises us now (even though it took 8 years to get there!) Deep in your mom's heart there is fear, and she does want you to succeed, but she doesn't want you to fail or be hurt the way that she was. Be strong and reassure your love for her, and don't give up on what will make you happy, otherwise you will be miserable and wondering what could have been. I will definately be praying for you! Good luck!

Missy
 
Janice,

I'm a longtime Cathe forum reader, but this is my first post! I'm writing because I've followed your story for quite a while, as you've made decisions about nursing school, and now I want to lend my support!

I'm 39 years old, married, with 2 daughters (9 and 13), and have just finished my first year (of 3) in a BSN program. I've faced a number of the same issues you have -- giving up my job, paying tuition, figuring out loans, wondering how this life change will work for my family (and me!), needing support from the people around me. I won't pretend it's all been easy (nursing school definitely involves stress), but I wanted to say that my first year of school was amazing, and I am so thrilled to be on this new path, working toward a career that I think will have great meaning.

I live 100 miles away from my mom, but I still relate to that desire, for better or worse, to have her approval. I'm afraid that's one of the "gifts" of being a daughter? Though my situation is different from yours, my thought about the "mother approval" issue is that it's REALLY ok for you to have dreams and goals of your own! She can have her feelings, too; but ultimately, you are only responsible for yourself. And you have the right to make this exciting change!

To the question about starting over even if it means dealing with some temporary financial distress, I have to say yes -- because I've done it, too! I just made a decision to accept the discomfort, knowing that at the end, I will be employed again -- and this time in a career that I expect to find very satisfying! We do miss my income, but we've found manageable ways to handle our current situation.

Sorry to be so long-winded. I really just wanted to say that I'm excited for you, and I recognize a lot of what you're feeling. I hope hearing a little of my story helps you feel a little less alone. I think you're smart to use the coming weeks to prepare yourself mentally for the challenge ahead -- and I wish you all the best!

Allison
 
Hey, Janice. You KNOW what you need to do. It is obvious in your post. Just follow through with it girl! Best wishes.

Marla
 
Thank you Allison, Missy, and Marla!

Special thanks to you Allison, for taking the time to post and share with me your support. It was really touching to hear that you had followed along in my journey and comforting to know you had many of the same feelings. I wish you luck in your program. I know I will need luck in mine!:)

Missy....my husband feels that my family is really whacked. He feels that we would be better off somewhere else far, far, away. He likes my Mom though, and the rest of my family. Like I said, she doesn't mean to do it (atleast I don't think) and she would probably be very upset to know I felt this way. She probably doesn't even realize it. And you are very right, deep down I know she wants me to be happy. And, like I said too, I realize that some of these things are really MY issues in my head and not hers. After all, no one can make you feel a certain way......you are responsible for your own emotions and reactions to your world.

Honestly, I want to check in to the "Starting Over House". LOL. Just feel like my head is foggy and I want to clear everything out so I can work on myself and improving and being prepared for what lies ahead. After all, how good of a nurse am I going to be if I can't even take care of myself??

Well, I find out the amount of my financial aid next week. I guess I will figure it out from there. Time to have a real talk with my husband!

Thank you all for your support. It means more to me than you will ever know!;-)
 
Janice,

I second everything these kind people have said to you. Change is difficult but change is what prompts our growth as human beings. Your decisions have been a long time coming and they sound healthy. Have faith in them.
 
Hey Janice, I have mother-control issues as well and I'm 46!! I could write the longest post in Cathe forum history to try and describe the entire situation but the bottom line is, that although she is not overtly abusive, she sure knows how to push my buttons and sometimes I wished she just had hit me. I think the best way to describe her is "passive-aggressive" as well as very negative. I have had enough therapy on this to be my own therapist just by switching chairs, and I can tell you honestly it is a very, very difficult issue for me.

Enough about me!! You need to do what's best for you. If people suck the life out of you in any way you need to cut them out of your life as we all have only so much energy to go around. Spend your energy on something positive, which it sounds like you are doing. It is incredibly hard to do this with a parent and if you figure it all out, will you let me know? Don't underestimate how much you've accomplished just with the decisions you've already made. You're going to be just fine!!


--Lois
 
Hey Janice.....I think you know what you have to do. It is really easy to be in your situation....I am the same with my dad....I always wonder what he will think about the desicions I make. He never has had faith in me or been supportive. Do it for yourself! Think of how good you will feel when you get finished with school....It will build your confidence a lot. My thoughts are, life is too short to be doing somethimg you dont enjoy. If you have to work, you might as well be doing something you enjoy and something rewarding. Nursing is a wonderful, but very demanding job, but at the same time it is very rewarding when you really get to make a differnece in someones life. I say go for it, and dont worry about what anyone else thinks....

I have to say, I am not a nurse, but a Phlebotomist, so I have worked with tons of nurses in the past, so I know how demanding their job can be, and having several friends that are nurses, I have a pretty good understanding of what their work is like. I am sure you can do it! Change can be a very good thing!

Good luck!

joanna
 
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