Move-in with SO?

D

divagirl

Cathlete
My SO has been bringing up us living together and we agreed to discuss again in 2 months. We've been together for 7 months and both in our 30s. I've never lived with a guy I've dated before and quite honestly am concerned about it.

I'd hate to move-in and then us hate each other or the relationship just die. I'm usually uncomfortable of big life changes too even if they are positive. I'm somewhat jealous of people who don't think about all the consequences of their actions before doing them. My SO's intent is for us to move in the direction of us getting married and feels this is the next step.

Has anyone ever felt the same way? How did it turn out? Any advice? I'm a bit confused.
 
I may be old fashioned, but if your both thinking about marriage, then that to me, would be the next step. I don't understand the whole "moving in to see if it would work" thing. Either you commit to someone, or not, not move in and "see" To quote my mom- "why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free" (not calling anyone a cow :) - just its a great expression)

Good luck what ever you decide!

Deanie
 
I think it was exactly seven months of dating my husband that we moved in together. At the time I was living in Houston and he was living in Louisiana. He felt that either I had to move in with him or him move in with me in order to make the relationship work. Needless to say, I moved in with him. I'll be honest - it took a while to adjust and we had our ups and downs just like anyone else, but now we are extremely happy! February 13 made 9 years that we have been together. I don't know your situation and I don't know how you guys get along, but you know deep down if it's the right thing to do. It is scary because you don't know what's going to happen and I know you don't want to get hurt, but you have to go with your gut! Good luck and I hope everything turns out for the best.

Barbara
 
My hubby and I were together just a few months when he started asking me to move in. Before meeting him I'd had a short and rocky marriage with a man I hadn't lived with prior to marriage. Because of that experience I knew that I would not marry again without living with the person first. When I agreed to move in with John I made it absolutely clear that this was not an indefinite thing. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum, after 6 months we either married or moved on separately. It worked well for us and the story goes that he never asked me to marry him, I told him to}( ;) It really was the best thing I've ever done and never regretted it.

Quiet yourself and listen to your gut and your heart, logic has it's place for sure but, matters of the heart don't necessarely acquiesce to logic and reason. All the best to you I'm happy for you that things are going well in your relationship:)

Take Care
Laurie:)
 
If you're questioning it, I would not do it. Being married is difficult enough, and divorce rates are even higher for those living together beforehand.
Two of my siblings lived with their spouses beforehand, one after the wedding date was already set and to go, the other was for convenience and economic reasons. After the wedding, both had adjustments to make even though they were already living together.
Stress on top of stress for all involved.
Do what's best for you and I wish you the best.
 
My son's father and I lived together for most of our relationship, and it was a disaster. However, I know that it works for many.

If you feel uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't...
 
Is that the same guy that you had issues with about not being very truthful? Unless you have those issues worked out, I'd be very hesitant!

I hear you about your concerns, I had the same concerns when I moved in with my now DH. However, our situation was a little different, I was dating him in a long-distance relationship (try VERY LOOOOONG distance Europe -USA), I didn't want to give up my high-paying job right away, and there was no way, I was going to get married right away.

In my case, it worked out ok, I still have issues with my DH (we just had our 10-year-wedding anniversary) and sometimes ask myself what I was thinking, I had such a nice life when I was single :) but overall I think it was a good decision.

Sometimes you just have to take a risk, take the plunge, whatever you want to call it. You said that you "would hate to move-in and then us hate each other or the relationship just die".
Well, there is no better way other than to move in together, because you will find out if things work out fairly quickly, whereas you could be dating for years and just be wasting your time because both are on their best behavior if you only meet a few times a week.

Just make sure, if you move in together, all the financials are agreed upon in writing. Nothing worse than "playing house" without having a written agreement, if things don't pan out you may be out a lot of money or ask for trouble.

Just my 2 cents.

Carola
 
I would say wait a little while longer. Seven months seems to be a bit of a short time period to really know someone before moving in together. If you do decide to move in together, don't expect miracles. It's hard work living with someone who was raised differently from you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.
 
My room mate got married and I was dating my DH then. I had no one to room with so I asked him if he wanted to move in together. He said yes and then told me he had changed his mind. I was very upset but that very next weekend he gave me an engagement ring. We had been dating for 6 months. We have now been married 7 years. No advice really but maybe you guys are ready for marriage?
LD
 
Is there someone you can talk this through with objectively? Like a counselor or a friend who will listen to you without passing judgment?

If you don't think it's right, it's probably not.

Good luck.

Marie
 
My DH and I moved in together VERY shortly after we met..He need a place to live and we were both poor as church mice...And now it is 14 years later and we are still together..although not without our ups and downs!

If you are in love with this man...and you can envision yourself with him for the long term...then I think it's okay for you guys to live together. Keep in mind that moving in is a decision that will make or break your relationship. Either this will lead to marriage...or you will break up. So the question is....are you ready to face the long term realities of your relationship?

Whatever you decide...I wish you the best. Good luck!

Debra

Bite off more than you can chew. Then chew it---Ella Williams

http://www.picturetrail.com/aschendell
 
Dh moved in with me after six months of dating. It seemed like that was the natural next step for us since we were at a point where he was staying over at my house for at least four nights out of the seven. Things were going really well with those four nights so we gave it a whirl. It took some adjusting at first (of course) but overall, it was a good decision on both parties. My first question to you would be 'do the two of you already spend the night together several nights out of the week like DH and I did?' If this is the case, does it work out well? If so, why not just take the plunge and see what happens?

IMHO, I think the whole thinking of you're not suppose to 'trial run' a relationship by moving in first and seeing if you are compatible before marriage is just doggy doo-doo. But again, just my opinion - everyone's is different. In all reality, what method works for one may or may not work for another. Only you and your SO know your relationship - how strong it is and/or what weak areas you have to work on. The advice that I would give you is to follow your heart. What does it say? What does your gut say? Maybe think on it for a while. As you said, this is a big change and along with change comes doubts (it's only natural, after all, we're stepping outside our comfort zone). This may work but as with anythingelse, it may not. No matter what you decide, you know we're all here for you and to support you 110%. :)
 
"Is that the same guy that you had issues with about not being very truthful? Unless you have those issues worked out, I'd be very hesitant!"

Carola, my thoughts exactly. I would NOT move in with him if I were you. I'm surprised you're still with him given what you'd revealed to us about him.
 
I haven't read anything above, but is this the same guy you broke up with because he was lying and you were having other issues with him not calling you?

If your gut tells you not to, then don't.
 
>"Is that the same guy that you had issues with about not
>being very truthful? Unless you have those issues worked out,
>I'd be very hesitant!"
>
>Carola, my thoughts exactly. I would NOT move in with him if
>I were you. I'm surprised you're still with him given what
>you'd revealed to us about him.
>

Well, I had that thought, too, but then I think it's important for us to recognize that we've only seen a snippet of the guy's behavior from someone looking for support, so we really aren't in a position to judge what the situation is like.

However, Diva, I do think you have posted enough issues with men in general that it would be wise for you to do some soul searching about what YOU really want. Forget what he wants or what anyone else expects of you or where you might think you're "supposed" to be at any point in your life or a relationship. What's important in the long run is for you to make the choices that allow you to be happy.

(Just call me Yoda. With biceps.) :)

Good luck,
Marie
 
Listen to yourself. It's not about people "pushing" their morality on you or quoting statistics that are no longer relevant (no offense to anyone but this is a personal and not one size fits all decision). It's about what you feel and what you believe is right and what you feel comfortable doing.
 
All of the advice given here is great, but remember that they are OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCES. You will have your own and I don't see the harm in giving something a try. It's better than getting married, moving in together and then realizing it's not going to work. One of my sisters dated her (now) DH for two months when they decided to move in together and they'll be celebrating their 11 year wedding anniversary in a month. Another one of my sisters dated her SO for 4 years before they moved in together an it ended up not working out. It's different for everyone and it's important to keep an open mind. Listen to your gut, but also listen to your heart. If you love each other enough, you'll put everything you've got into this relationship and the living situation will fall into place. Just be sure to communicate with each other--it's (IMHO) the only way for to have a successful relationship. Good luck and keep us updated!!!

Allison
 
I lived with a boyfriend for about a year and it turned ugly. But we got through it and managed to be friends after. And I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married.

My philosophy of life has always been if you're afraid of something happening, then nothing will ever happen. (That's actually Dory's from Finding Nemo....but a good one, nonetheless)

If you have no moral objections to it, then I don't see the big deal.
 
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