Moms I need some advice

[janie1234]

What do you do if your kids befriend someone who is not exactly a good influence? My sons best friend is a child who lies, curses, eats junk food all the time (yes he is obese), and plays video games every single minute that he is not at school?
I always encourage my kids to befriend and be kind to everyone. He can get pretty obsessive about things and has trouble with his attention span. He was diagnosed autistic at the age of 2, he is now 9. A good for example was his fascination with dinosaurs when he was 3. He would remember and recite perfectly every single dinosaur that he was ever introduced to. Now that he is 9 his new fascination is video games. I minimize it of course. He only gets 1 hour on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday but because it is the thing he just loves to talk about he has befriended this child who sadly is very overweight and shares the same obsession. I say sadly overweight because every time I tell him that if he ever wants to come over for a play date at our house there will be no video games and that they have to play outdoors, or play legos inside. He whines the whole time and give my son such a hard time. His parents also hate my guts but that is another story altogether. I don't blame the child. I do blame the parents. They give him everything he wants but I'm starting to notice that my son is mimicking some of this child behaviors, . .like instead of wanting to play baseball his friend would rather just eat junk and talk about video games and because I don't let my kids eat junk he is constantly teased by his so called friend. I would love to put a stop to this but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. Thanks everyone.

 

[PhyllisG]

I would end the relationship. How I don't know but I would put a stop to it. Your first responsibility is to your son's well being and it doesn't appear that this is setting a good example for him or providing him with a healthy friendship. Throw the parents into the mix and that is the deal breaker for me. You could watch closely, I guess, and see if this just dies a natural death but I would discourage it.

 

[Peaceful Rainbow]

I think it's very hard because the more overtly you try and stop something the more they will want it and the more frustrating things get for everyone. If they go to school together, there's not much you can do about their time spent there, but you could start limiting time away from school. I think finding out exactly what your child is getting from the relationship is a good place to start. Why is he feeling so drawn to a child with all these habits. Or being 9, does he even really see the bad habits (even if he doesn't recognize them as bad) and only sees the basic thing they have in common. I have an 8 year old and I find that if I calmly explain how I see things and start a dialogue with him we often discover reasons for things that weren't so clear on the surface. Finding a way to talk to him about why you see this relationship as unhealthy may help him see the friendship in a different light. I know that I often have the best success talking to my boys while we are driving. Something I've heard recommended quite often for discussions with boys. They find it much easier to open up and talk if you aren't face to face with them.

 

[jonahnah]

Let's start w/ your son having autism. (My DS - 12 yo is also on the spectrum so I have a lot of experience w/ it)

I say this because your son is NOT going to have normal social relations w/ peers because of his autism. Other posters may not know the breadth of social behaviors that go w/ it & only respond based on what a typical child needs.

1. Does you son have any other friends? If not, don't write the other boy off yet. Your son needs someone his own age to hang w/ at school. I interfere w/ friendships my son makes if he is being abused by the other child ("push pull bullying" where the kid alternates being mean, then nice) Those friends are NOT worth having.

2. Talk gently & privately to the friend about his teasing your son re: junk food. Explain that it's part of your family values and that he shouldn't tease kids about things their family does.

3. Most kids w/ learning disorders are HUGE into video games. It's one area that puts them on an even playing level w/ neurotypical kids. It's your decision how much to let him play, but I would allow the boys to do both outdoor activities & video games when they are together. (An equal amount of each, perhaps?)

4. Never assume all boys like sports or are equally skilled based on their age. The other kid probably dislikes sports because of his weight so suggest outside activities at are NOT sportsy. Does your son have supersoakers? remote control cars? a swingset? (My DS hates sports so a playdate of all sports would be a nightmare for him.). I've had kids wash our car during playdates!!

5. Explain to your son that you don't approve of cursing & if he copies that behavior, there will be consequences.

6. Parents suck everywhere. Even the parents of the perfect children can be unbelievable a$$holes. You can't change that so let it go.

7. This is my number one rule--expect the other kid to have some learning issue as well! Don't just assume he's a awful kid w/ crappy parents who's not worth your kids' time. He very likely has something going on so keep your eyes open for it. (Any idea how this boy does in school?) His teasing your son about junk food isn't necessarily bad manners. It may indicate some social skill problem.

8. This doesn't relate to your question, but as a mom whose (sadly) been there, the social issues/differences will become more marked & create more problems as your son gets older. Your son may become a favorite target for teasing, even from the "perfect" children w/ perfect parents. Children will be reluctant to befriend him as he's seen as too different. Those that do befriend him will almost always have issues of their own so don't expect them to behave "normally" either.

9. Half the teachers will understand his issues and be willing to work w/ him. The other half will assumes he just has terrible manners due to overindulgent and/or careless parenting. Most parents will assume the latter.

Good luck!

 

[bitmover]

Wow, Joan, those seem like really well thought out and useful comments. I was going to weigh in until I read the entire original post and I realized I am not in the position to give out advice on that situation. I have definitely been in the situation of my son having a friend who I didn't want influencing my son, but it was a completely different situation.

Good luck handling it -- I think Joan has given you some really good ideas.

 

[janie1234]

Wow Joan thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

"1. Does you son have any other friends?"

Yes, . . actually and I know that this is not typical with autism he has several friends and he seeks friendships. He gets invited to play dates and parties all the time.

"2. Talk gently & privately to the friend about his teasing your son re: junk food. Explain that it's part of your family values and that he shouldn't tease kids about things their family does."

I've done this too, . . . .I didn't feel the need to be private or gentle about it this is just the way we are and to me teasing on all levels is wrong. I actually discussed it with his Mother and Father.

"3. It's your decision how much to let him play, but I would allow the boys to do both outdoor activities & video games when they are together. (An equal amount of each, perhaps?)"

I've done this too but honestly his friend just whines the whole time asking if it is time to play video games yet? It really takes all the fun out of playing outside when someone is whining.

"4. Never assume all boys like sports or are equally skilled based on their age. The other kid probably dislikes sports because of his weight so suggest outside activities at are NOT sportsy. Does your son have supersoakers? remote control cars? a swingset? (My DS hates sports so a playdate of all sports would be a nightmare for him.). I've had kids wash our car during playdates!!"

Oh it never has to be a sport. To me it is just about having fun and moving outside. We have lazer tag guns, and we do treasure hunting games but you are so right that he does not like to do any of it because of his weight.

"5. Explain to your son that you don't approve of cursing & if he copies that behavior, there will be consequences."

Oh he knows. One of his autistic tendencies is his rigidity to rules. He never breaks them. He fears having his video game time taken away. My son does not even say the word "stupid" and ever since my MIL died last year of cancer he has been so strict about making sure everyone is eating right.

"6. Parents suck everywhere. Even the parents of the perfect children can be unbelievable a$$holes. You can't change that so let it go. "

You are so funny , . . . I never knew that perfect children even existed.

"7. This is my number one rule--expect the other kid to have some learning issue as well!"

Not a learning issue but his parents are going through a very bad and very public divorce. Both parents fight for their son's attention, he is an only child and they give in to EVERYTHING he wants and I mean EVERYTHING. Food, toys, whatever he wants he gets.

"8. Children will be reluctant to befriend him as he's seen as too different. Those that do befriend him will almost always have issues of their own so don't expect them to behave "normally" either."

This is what is so strange about his diagnoisis and this will respond to your number 9 too. Teachers love him, because he is not a behavior problem and because he gets straight A's. Since you are familiar with the spectrum you'll know that a lot of kids with the diagnosis have a really good memory so he actually does really well in school esp in math. He is also according to the teachers a leader in the class because he does well and because he is very compassionate. It is hard to believe but my son is the type of person that will stick up for the kid that is being picked on or he will go and comfort a child who is crying. My son is sorta popular in the class because the teacher always uses him as an example. Of course because of the spectrum my son could really care less. He came home one day and told me that he was just voted class president last week! He just didn't think it was that important to tell me. I think that his friend really wants to be like my son because the teacher has told me several times that there is "healthy competition" between them. Honestly my son could care less.

The whole autism spectrum is so large that no 2 kids are exactly alike but every kid has their different challenges. My 7 year old typically developing daughter has alltoghter different issues. She is so super competitive. If my son is learning multiplication then she is going to too.

I really do appreciate the advice. Thanks so much.

 

[janie1234]

Thanks so much everyone. Phyllis and Cathy. I think you both hit the nail on the head. I can't prevent them from playing at school but I am deffinitely putting an end to any playdates moving forward. It is all about my son after all. Hopefully his parents will get the hint. My husband used to tell me stories of how he got bullied in High School so I always worry that this will happen to both of my children. Cathy, I also have long talks with both my kids in the car. We also talk during our hikes. It is amazing how smart kids are and how sometimes all they need is someone to explain things to them.

 

[gettingfitmom]

My son does not have autism, but he does have a cousin that ALWAYS wants to play on the computer or my DSs Xbox. When he comes over, he heads straight for the computer. I have a rule at my house, no computer or Xbox games unless it is raining out, too cold, ect. He actually sat around and mopped about this, but I told him, my house, my rules. My kids watch little TV and are limited to the use of the Xbox. If the cousin is moppy, I tell him to call his father (my brother) to come and get him. It's been a few years but he has adapted. But I would watch the relationship and stop or forbid any thing you think is not good for your son. You are his voice right now...good luck.

 

[celestialtimes]

What do you do if your kids befriend someone who is not exactly a good influence? My sons best friend is a child who lies, curses, eats junk food all the time (yes he is obese), and plays video games every single minute that he is not at school?
I always encourage my kids to befriend and be kind to everyone. He can get pretty obsessive about things and has trouble with his attention span. He was diagnosed autistic at the age of 2, he is now 9. A good for example was his fascination with dinosaurs when he was 3. He would remember and recite perfectly every single dinosaur that he was ever introduced to. Now that he is 9 his new fascination is video games. I minimize it of course. He only gets 1 hour on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday but because it is the thing he just loves to talk about he has befriended this child who sadly is very overweight and shares the same obsession. I say sadly overweight because every time I tell him that if he ever wants to come over for a play date at our house there will be no video games and that they have to play outdoors, or play legos inside. He whines the whole time and give my son such a hard time. His parents also hate my guts but that is another story altogether. I don't blame the child. I do blame the parents. They give him everything he wants but I'm starting to notice that my son is mimicking some of this child behaviors, . .like instead of wanting to play baseball his friend would rather just eat junk and talk about video games and because I don't let my kids eat junk he is constantly teased by his so called friend. I would love to put a stop to this but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. Thanks everyone.

Forbidding a child to do something just makes them want to do it more.

I come from a family that doesn't have the best reputation in town, and since I got married and moved away (only 20 miles away)...not everyone puts 2 and 2 together.

I was one of the first to graduate from High School and the only to go on to college and get a degree.

Growing up, tho...it was a challenge having friends and dating because I was always considered "one of them."

How about setting an example to the child? Letting him know that he/she is welcome in your house so long as they don't use that type of language in your home. Tell them if they need something, ask...maybe you'd be more willing to help if he/she weren't stealing it.

You may find that this child gains a whole lot more respect for you and becomes a positive part of your life.

Think outside the box. What is the family like...maybe your family will help this child grow to be someone super awesome...I know that I would have had a harder time in life if it wasn't for some of my teachers and some of my friends family.

Give this kid a little bit of your time and let him know the ground rules...give ti a little time...if it doesn't work...give him another talking to...if this doesn't work...then talk to both kids together.

Maybe...you could become that role model and confidant this child could really use in life.

Good luck.

 

[morningstar]

Around about grade 7 I had a close friend that smoked, stole, started bonfires in my basement, put knitting needles in her hoo hah to start her period, etc. She was the definition of a bad influence. I smoked, stole, lit fires with maxi pads along with her, but thankfully, left the knitting needles alone (not even necessary, in my case). After a bonfire that almost burnt down my house and the house next door, my mother put her foot down and said we couldn't hang out anymore (my mom really didn't pay much attention to what I did, ever, but the neighbours brought it to her attention). It was a relief. I was able to say to this girl, "my mom won't let me hang out with you anymore" and use that as an excuse to not do all those crazy things anymore. I threw out all the stuff I stole (and it was a lot, I was good at it) and just dealt with the social fallout (she was very popular and I wasn't).

Your situation may be different, given your son's unique situation, but maybe my story will be helpful.

 

[janie1234]

Around about grade 7 I had a close friend that smoked, stole, started bonfires in my basement, put knitting needles in her hoo hah to start her period, etc. She was the definition of a bad influence. I smoked, stole, lit fires with maxi pads along with her, but thankfully, left the knitting needles alone (not even necessary, in my case). After a bonfire that almost burnt down my house and the house next door, my mother put her foot down and said we couldn't hang out anymore (my mom really didn't pay much attention to what I did, ever, but the neighbours brought it to her attention). It was a relief. I was able to say to this girl, "my mom won't let me hang out with you anymore" and use that as an excuse to not do all those crazy things anymore. I threw out all the stuff I stole (and it was a lot, I was good at it) and just dealt with the social fallout (she was very popular and I wasn't).

Your situation may be different, given your son's unique situation, but maybe my story will be helpful.

Holy Moly Morningstar!!! Your story not only was helpful it made me want to cross my legs!!! I would have to admit that I went through some similar stuff in high school. I remember, . . mostly because my parents were never around I thought that my friends were the final say in everything that I should and shouldn't do, . . .whether it was good or bad it didn't matter.
I'm putting an end to this. I've explained to my son the reason for my concerns. I just flat out said that your friend and his parents openly lie, curse, and gossips. He just does not set a good example. I'm enrolling my son in swimming and karate lessons so that after school he has something to do and so that this kid doesn't come knocking on the door. The first few times I felt really bad for the kid, . . . his parents are getting a divorce and would often forget to pick him up after school and the kid is always eating crap. I felt so bad for him on Halloween when he came up to me with candy all over his face and a giant rip in his pants because they didn't fit. I swear this kids waistline is probably bigger than mine and he's not even 9 yet. He even said to me the other day how much he loves Saturdays because he can wear his pajamas, not get dressed and play video games all day.
Thanks again everyone. I know that the person I really need to think about is my son and what is best for him.

 

[GMonkey]

On the other hand, I had lots of friends in school who were "bad influences" but my parents were so strict with me, I knew that if I ever emulated that behavior, I'd be in gigantic trouble.

It sounds like your kid is very grounded and knows right from wrong. I'd certainly stick to your guns about "your house-your rules" but you might also be the only beacon of positivity in this kid's life right now. I would think that his obesity, video game obsessions, etc can be swept aside for now, but his teasing of your son absolutely cannot be tolerated. I don't think that speaking to his parents will be at all affective, but speaking with the kid will be, especially if he knows that he can't come over unless he changes his behavior.

I have to say that I'm a little disconcerted regarding all the references to his weight, however.

 

[janie1234]

On the other hand, I had lots of friends in school who were "bad influences" but my parents were so strict with me, I knew that if I ever emulated that behavior, I'd be in gigantic trouble.

It sounds like your kid is very grounded and knows right from wrong. I'd certainly stick to your guns about "your house-your rules" but you might also be the only beacon of positivity in this kid's life right now. I would think that his obesity, video game obsessions, etc can be swept aside for now, but his teasing of your son absolutely cannot be tolerated. I don't think that speaking to his parents will be at all affective, but speaking with the kid will be, especially if he knows that he can't come over unless he changes his behavior.

I have to say that I'm a little disconcerted regarding all the references to his weight, however.

Hey GMonkey! Yeah, . . I think you are totally right about the poor kid not really having much in the realm of positive influence. The other day he came up and hugged me and asked if I could walk him home. I would never speak to his parents about it. They would get mad and take it as I was judging them. I live in a small town and am anti social to begin with if you pass gas in this town you'll hear about it in a town meeting.

I'm sorry you feel a little disconcerted about the weight references, . . the only reason I really mentioned it was because it has always been part of the teasing, . . he makes fun of my son because of the foods he can and can't eat and because I won't let them snack while playing video games. I took them all out to a place for lazer tag one day and he was just eating whatever candy and junk he could get his hands on and dangling it in front of my kids teasing him about how my son couldn't have any. He would constantly offer my son junk food hoping that he would take it and just cave. His parents even refer to him as "My fattie."

I agree too about my house my rules though. Right now we've stuck to playing outside after school.

 

[Stephanie0523]

What do you do if your kids befriend someone who is not exactly a good influence?

I haven't read the other posters comments, so please forgive me if I repeat something they said... but we were going through the same thing with my oldest child this year. He had befriended a child who said horrible things (bad potty mouth), was disrespectful and crude. My son loved him because he was the class clown. Twice the child got my child in trouble by making him laugh out loud during circle time at school. I just kept telling my son that it was OK for him to be this kid's friend. But instead of acting like him, he should be a good example for him and maybe he would, in return, learn to be a little nicer and not get into trouble.... Well, fast forward a few months... I ate lunch with my son at school on his birthday and he invited one of his friends to sit at our table. The bad influence child had gotten in trouble earlier that week in the cafeteria and had to eat all by himself. My child and his friend began talking about the other boy, and I reiterated that it's OK to be his friend as long as they don't mimic his behavior...Instead of letting him influence them and get them in trouble, they should teach him that being respectful IS cool. Well, since that time, apparently everyone has been telling this little boy that his acting up in class isn't cool, and he's done a 180. He actually told his friends after Christmas break that his New Year's resolution was to quit getting into trouble. It was a win-win situation.

Good luck with your situation!!

 

[chefkate]

I haven't read the other posters comments, so please forgive me if I repeat something they said... but we were going through the same thing with my oldest child this year. He had befriended a child who said horrible things (bad potty mouth), was disrespectful and crude. My son loved him because he was the class clown. Twice the child got my child in trouble by making him laugh out loud during circle time at school. I just kept telling my son that it was OK for him to be this kid's friend. But instead of acting like him, he should be a good example for him and maybe he would, in return, learn to be a little nicer and not get into trouble.... Well, fast forward a few months... I ate lunch with my son at school on his birthday and he invited one of his friends to sit at our table. The bad influence child had gotten in trouble earlier that week in the cafeteria and had to eat all by himself. My child and his friend began talking about the other boy, and I reiterated that it's OK to be his friend as long as they don't mimic his behavior...Instead of letting him influence them and get them in trouble, they should teach him that being respectful IS cool. Well, since that time, apparently everyone has been telling this little boy that his acting up in class isn't cool, and he's done a 180. He actually told his friends after Christmas break that his New Year's resolution was to quit getting into trouble. It was a win-win situation.

Good luck with your situation!!

you're such a good mama!

...off to read your blog!

 

[Stephanie0523]

LOL, Thanks, Kate! But just yesterday, my child came home from school with a mark in his book (got in trouble) because this little boy made him laugh out loud during class. Ugh... Perhaps he hasn't turned over that leaf after all.