Military Wives/Husbands

[sarahinva]

Here's a question for wives and husbands of those serving in the military on active duty. My 19 year old neice married her high school sweetheart on Christmas Eve. (My entire family tried to tell her she was too young, but the marriage took place anyway, so that's a moot point.) Anyway, her new husband left for Iraq last week. My question is this ~ how can we as a family help her through his year of deployment?? She will be staying with us for next few months while she attends college, and I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to keep her mind off of things while he's gone (and is that even possible??) No one in our family has ever been in the military before, so this is all new to us. I need some down to earth suggestions. She has no network of support from other military wives, since she was only married for 3 weeks before he left. I'd really appreciate any thoughts because we would like to make this difficult period easier on her.

Thanks,
Sarah

 

[sue320]

I'm not sure you can "keep her mind off of things". The few ideas that come to mind are to write, write and write some more....even about the most mundane thing she did that day.

When dh is deployed I email him nightly with whatever the kids and I did that day. Sometimes there are wonderful stories of grand park adventures and other days there's nothing more than the fact that we existed that day. I don't dwell on the missing him in most exchanges but there are those times that I have told him that I miss being a woman (and I'm not necessarily talking sexual) and being with my man....I'll tell him I miss my best friend. He understands...and realizes that there are highs and lows....he has them too.

As for what you can do, all I can say is to encourage her to live life. Don't let her wallow but don't dismiss her if she has days of "depression". Some days are easier than others. For us, when we get to the half-way point we usually hit a really, really hard day (sometimes few days) but then we get over the hump, discussion begins of their return home and we start prepping for that day.

Encourage her to get involved with his unit/company if there is that option. They will (should) be able to give her information/updates (if things are working as they should) and she should be able meet wives that are in the same boat that she is in. Just because they've only been married three weeks doesn't discount her from the option of getting involved/meeting other wives. We can discuss this more if you'd like to take it to private email.

A few things to remember...he will change and so will she--especially if it's a year deployment. One thing that people don't see coming is how hard readjustment can be. For us, it's usually the first seven to ten days (my dh doesn't deploy for quite as long) that are the hardest...one of his returns had me seriously contemplating contacting the chaplain for counseling. However, we made it through and have since come to realize this time of adjustment and just work through it. It's hard on everyone.

I suppose the bottom line is to be there for her.

A side note...make sure he updates all of his preferences regarding (and please, please don't take this the wrong way but we've dealt with this time and time and time again when young kids don't update their paperwork after marriage and the spouse isn't indicated on life insurance/SGLI or as the contact person) life insurance, contact information should he be injured/killed, those sorts of things. Our unit has specific packets of this information...not sure how other units work. He can take care of this even though he's deployed.

HTH
Sue <><

 

[sarahinva]

Thank you so much for your reply, Sue. Luckily, my new nephew is very responsible and completed all the paperwork while he was in the states and let her parents in on all of that info. I'm just in unfamiliar territory, I guess. For instance, the news was on last night and it just dawned on me that maybe the news isn't the best thing to watch right now! I know that she can get up and leave or flip the channel, but I just want to make the situation "easier," I guess. We need to find out more info about the wives in the unit because I don't think she's ever had any contact with any of them. Unfortunately, he is on a year's deployment but will get a 2 week furlough at some point. Thanks for the tips!

Sarah

 

[sue320]

About the news...it can become a thing of obsession for me. There's that slight hope that you might catch a glimpse of him but then you get to deal with the everyday reality that such-and-such number of troops have been KIA/injured since XXX. I chose not to watch. I check the news online so I stay informed.

If I were you, one last thing here, I'd pass on this little bit of information and then let her decide. Some of these things you just have to live and figure out what works best for you.

Kudos to your nephew for addressing those difficult decisions!

I wish your niece a blessed year. It will be tough but she can do it!

Sue <><

 

[Armywife]

First of all I just want to say thank you for supporting your niece in this time in her life. My father was in the Army since I was 2, then I joined the Army, and that is how I met my husband. I am out now but he is still in. We have two kids. In the past 5 years my husband has been deployed four times. The first two times to Kuwait which were short deployments. The last two were to Iraq. He was there for four months at the very start of the war and then he went back for a year and just got home in October.

I'll tell you, your niece is going to need a lot of support. The first few times my husband deployed were complete hell. It was so hard being away from family and having two babies to take care of without any friends. The last deployment I actually went home for a few months to try to break up the whole year thing which made it easier. Like one of the other women stated, it is important that she get in touch with the family readiness group in her husbands unit or battalion. They can give her so much information and are such a good resource if she has any questions about things during the deployment.

Some ways that I coped were to e-mail all time. Even if it is about nothing, it is just nice for the guys to get something from home. I would send my husband handwritten letters and cards too which were nice for him to have. He said he would reread them a lot. It is a lot more personal than an e-mail. I made my husband scrapbooks of the kids and sent videos to him. She could send him little albums of pictures of herself and his family for him to look at. I also would send my husband care packages with all his favorite goodies, magazines, toiletries, etc. Also, my husband was able to get access to a webcam so she might want to try to get one and then they could use those or even sometimes we were able to instant message each other which was nice. She just needs to have hobbies or things that can occupy her time.

I know it will be hard on her. Some days she will seem so great and like nothing is wrong and then at some point, she will just have a breakdown. I could go for a few months just fine and doing my own thing and then one day it would be like, BAM, and I would find myself crying and just depressed missing him so much. At that time she just needs to be able to get the feelings out and have you all there for support and then she will get through it. One thing she shouldn't do is watch the news. When my husband went to Iraq for the first time I made myself sick constantly watching the news and not wanting to leave the house just to make sure I knew what was going on and that I didn't miss a phone call. All that will do is make her go crazy. She needs to not hear about the bombings and death and things going on or her mind will wander and she will get depressed. I know this post is long but I am trying to tell of some of my experiences since I did this so many times.

One last thing, as someone else stated, they are going to change soooo much after being apart for so long. It will be really hard readjusting after he comes home. My husband and I have done this so many times but we still have a hard readjustment period. People always say, oh things should be great when he comes home because it will be like a honeymoon period all over again. Well, for us that wasn't true. It is hard to be away for so long and get in your routines and stuff and then all of a sudden you are back together again and you expect things to pick up where they left off and that just isn't so. It just is stressful but then things start to calm down after a while when you get used to being back together and establish a new routine. I better stop this now because I can go on forever. If you have any questions you can PM me or email me at [email protected]. I hope some of this helped.

Toni

 

[cathykazbar]

Hi Sarah,
It is so wonderful that you are supporting your niece at this time.

You have gotten some great advice already. I agree that it would be a good idea for your niece to get in touch with other wives in his unit or battalion. I have found this to be a source of strength for me as well. I have found that it good to be able to get to know people who are going through a similar experience. Also they can be a link to other support services on base as well.

In my experience, my husband has not been deployed for quite as long. Communication was helpful for us. We were able to have email access and we would send messages almost every day. Sometimes he was also able to call me. I would also send letters and care packages on a regular basis too. For us, trying to maintain some form of contact on a regular basis was really helpful. You can also send videos etc.. as well.

I also will have my days where I suddenly will feel depressed and those are the days where I have been so grateful to others who have just been there for me to comfort me and be around me. Sometimes just having another person there so I was not alone was comforting to me.

Please feel free to send me an email if you have any more questions etc... [email protected]

Take Care and I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Cath

 

[Timber99]

Poor girl I feel for her. My (former) BF (then of 6 years) was deployed for 18 months in Kuwait/Iraq. While he was away, I worked in the "family support unit" and tried to help a lot of wives, sisters, moms, Aunts, uncles, etc. with their issues at home. It's very hard but it is very do-able. This is my advice...some might not agree...

At 19, she is still so young and vibrant. She's got a lot to do and plenty to keep her busy. If it were my relative, I would encourage her to go out with friends, be social, join new clubs and activities and live life without guilt that he is over there fighting in a war and she continues life at home without him. That can be hard to do. So many times I would be having fun, finally with my mind off of him and where he was, and then all of a sudden, it would hit me and that was the end of my fun. He's got his job to do and she has hers.

Make sure she has a phone that he can call without interruption or missing her. MY BF and I spoke about once per week. I had a cell phone that he called, mostly in the middle of the night here (EST time), b/c that was late afternoon time there. I tried not to expect the call but there was one time when he called and I wasn't there and I wanted to die. From there on, I forwarded all calls to my cell if I was not at home.

Don't let her watch the news. If a plane gets hit or a soldier dies, she will be in turmoil until he calls b/c she won't know if he is safe. Since that can sometimes be days or weeks, she can't put herself through that. I also avoided miliatry based movies. It sounds stupid but that junk just puts ideas in your head. To this day, there are still movies I can't watch.

Part of the difficulty is that all of a sudden, you are thinking for two people, making decisions for two people, doing everything for two people. YOu may not know how to do some of it b/c he always did, etc. Remind her that she is doing well with everything every so often. Help her with things that she might not know how to handle (ie: fixing the sink). Grab her and make her go out to take her mind off things when she gets that glazed over look.

When he gets home, a whole new challenge begins. This is where my BF and I didn't succeed (we recently broke up after a 9 year relationship). It's hard to start over again after a long absence and after what each of them have been through. After all, they will each have challenges and emotional issues stemming from the deployment. My advice? After he's been home for a bit, take a weekend away and have some fun. If things aren't looking right in the relationship after a reasonable time, get help immediately.

It's hard. But like I said, it is do-able. she's already very lucky to have family thinking of her and finding ways to make life easier.

I hope that he stays safe and she stays happy in his absence. My thoughts are with them both

 

[sarahinva]

Thanks so much for the advice and the offers of help! Hopefully, between her college classes and the craziness of my house with my two children, we'll get her through this difficult year!

Sarah

 

[Mariela]

Just help her with the things that she needs to do. Support her with College the same way you would if she wasn't married. The important thing is that she doesn't feel abandonned or forgotten. Make the time you spend with her valuable. Don't talk to her or ask about her husband unless she starts the subject and/or it is obvious that she wants to talk about it. I'm not sure that that is good advice because everyone is different, but that is what works in my case.

Fortunately, my husband has never had to go to Irak or Afganistan, but I have been for two times an entire year without him, because he has been assigned to Korea.