Martha, Carol, Bobbi, Debbie

C

clareMc

Cathlete
Martha, Carol, Bobbi, Debbie:


(Note: This post is horrendously long. All not interested, please ignore it. If anyone else has any experience with panic disorder and testimonials to share, I'd love to hear them. Either post here or amial me privately, thank you.)


ladies you are all truly wonderful, you are angels. Thank god for all of you. I think right now your words up here are the only thing keeping me together.

I had a bad couple of months, I tried cognitive therapy and it made me feel more depressed than ever, i used to leave every session feeling ripped apart, in floods of tears, and it would take the rest of the day to piece myself back together enough so that I could function socially and perform my role as mother. So, I stopped going a month ago, and picked up on my exercise agaain, because it truly is the only thing that makes me feel positive about life, other than my children and husband who are the light of my life.

Things were going OK, I was getting more optimistic as I got stronger again physically, and my enthusiasm for my doctoral work began to return. I have been working on a project that enthuses me, I have stacks of ideas, it is innovative work, albeit very intellectually challenging and very time consuming.

Then all the symptoms began and over the last 10 days they escalated and now I am like a frightened animal not knowing what to do, afraid of doing things I normally do, and that includes working out, lest it should set off an attack. I can't even work out, even lifting weights brings it on, and once it starts, it keep going for the rest of the day, and will start for sure the next day. This has been the pattern, exercise triggers it. How crappy is that? This is not living. I am sleeping sooo much, I can barely get the energy to do anything and my work is suffering.

It is good to receive the doctor's verdict that I am not suffering a heart condition. I am so relieved. I had hours of daytime nightmares in which I envisaged collapsing and my childern being left to cope on their own, etc, etc. It frightened me out of my skin. So I left the ER on Monday, in a state of sedated relief.

But now I am angry and more depressed because I do not know how to live.

I will be back to see my PCP who is a nice lady, she cares about me, though I speak my mind to her when I sense she thinks she knows me but she doesn't. I know she will say therapy, and she says she has a colleague whom she trusts will help me, OK. Hope the insurance will cover it. And I know she will want me to start antidepressants and they scare me, I can't help it. I took Celexa 2 years ago for six months. I know about the normal side effects of these medications. I went through 4 weeks of it before I began to feel normal. It worked very well for me. But I came off the drug after an argument with my doctor: she wanted to blackmail me into therapy, "I'll prescribe the celexa again, but you have to go into therapy."

I am British. We don't do therapy as a culture. To me, it is an admission of defeat and failure. I am a fiercely independent person, and I have learned during my life that no-one can be relied upon to help me except myself. When I had an eating disorder and cried out to my family for help, no-one ever answered the call. So, you learn to rely upon yourself. I was not ready for therapy back then and i am so stubborn, I refuse to be blackmailed. So I came off the drug and used regular exercise to help keep me on a even keel. And it worked for a year. But it obviously no longer does.

Over the last year I have tried Paxil (after three days I could not walk in a straight line, went to bed with 24 hours nausea and vomitting), Lexapro (same results as paxil but after only 6 hours), Zoloft (so dizzy couldn't walk in a straight line again, came off it after 3 days, it may well have lead to the same scenario as paxil had I stayed on it), and Effexor (48 hours of mifgraines and vomitting after 4 hours of taking one small pill). I also tried celexa again this past May, one half a tablet kept me awake all night long with terrible waves of anxiety crashing through me at regular intervals. Very scary.)

So, it's not like I haven't given antidepressants a try! And I know about side effects. I am not so hesitant that I don't give the drug a chance. But it has to limit itself to producing side effects that can be said to be within the normal range, that allow you to still function as a social being, like be able to get your kids' dinner ready, etc.

I don't know what else it's worth trying. These are extremely strong drugs. My reactions to them are getting increasingly severe. What hope is there that I might be able to tolerate one of them long enough for it to get into my system, stay there, and begin to help me? I have lost hope on this front.

The only thing I would not be too scared to try would be the celexa, but only a quarter or a tablet at a time, to keep the anxiety it produces to a minimum.

Thank you Martha for your personal story. Would you email me and tell me more of your story? How long did it take you to get better and lead a normal life again? I am not so concerned about learning how to handle the attacks once they are upon you, as I am getting better to a state when I no longer have them. How did you achieve this? Can you give me more detail? Not that I want to pry into your personal life, but it helps to have testimonials. I love your name, it's is the name I gave my first child, Martha. I told her she shares her name with you, she was keen to learn that. She thinks martha is an old woman's name and that she's an odd-ball.

Thank you Carol and Bobbi and Debbie for you caring and your willingness to respond to a soul in need. I will always be grateful and always be here to respond to you should you need it. I am so glad you are better Bobbi, I rememner you were not so happy a while back with all the foot trouble. And thanks for the support group link. I will check it out.

Now I must summon up some desire to achieve one thing today. Thank you all for listening, and I appreciate all here at the forums. Debbie is right, I do check in here every day, many times, for a dose of happiness, inspiration, normality, intrigue, discussion, dissent, impassioned argument.........

Clare

(from x( to :7 ?!!!!)
 
Hi Clare,

Actually I don't mind posting my story here. Perhaps it will help someone besides you! I have had panic disorder since puberty. My father had it his whole life too, and I've learned this disease is hereditary. When I was younger I had few symptoms, but had my first really bad trouble when I was in my early 20's. I sought regular therapy at the time, and while I benefitted from that therapy in some other ways (self insight, etc.), it really didn't touch the panic disorder. I think it just made it easier for me to cope with the symptoms and better at handling stress in my life in general. Years later, though, I went through an extremely stressful time and found my panic symptoms started escalating again. It got worse and worse and I was probably in about the state you are now. I think I was well on my way to becoming a housebound agoraphobic. I was having many panic attacks per day, and would even get them in my sleep! I felt like I was hanging by a thread. I had heard there were new treatments now available so I got a referral to a psychiatrist and was fortunate to get a very good one. She explained to me that although the mechanisms for panic disorder are not well understood, it is definitely a physical disorder, which is why regular therapy is not directly useful. She started me on Zoloft, *gradually* increasing the dose, with Xanax as needed in the meantime until the Zoloft took effect. I can't recall how many weeks that was; my first dose was so small it was sub-clinical, and it was at least a week or two on that, then gradually going up. I'd say maybe a full month total. I did respond to a small dose, and once it kicked in, the panic attacks stopped. It took a little while longer for my "anticipatory anxiety" to die down (that's when you get all keyed up worrying about getting an attack!) because it took a while for me to really grasp that the attacks weren't coming any more! But then life went back to normal. I stayed on Zoloft about 1 1/2 years, then my doctor weaned me very gradually off it. That was two years ago. Since then, I have been doing well. I'll be honest though, I do still get more anxiety than the average person, and occasionally even a full-blown panic attack. One day last summer I accidentally drank regular coffee instead of decaf, and it triggered a bad attack. But, I keep Xanax on hand for such situations, and half a pill was all it took to break off the panic. So, living with this disorder is a lot like being diabetic or having a severe allergy or something. You can go along pretty normally as long as you avoid substances that can trigger attacks, and you keep your medicine on hand for acute symptoms.

Based on my experience, I would recommend that you try to get treated by a psychiatrist rather than your PCP. Psychiatrists are experts in these medications and their side effects. They're always up on the new research and different medicines that can be tried. A lot of people get SSRI's through their regular physicians, but it is really better to be closely monitored by an MD who's an expert in this particular area. Initially I saw my psychiatrist once per week, until we were sure I as OK on Zoloft, and then it was once per month. I feel sure that a psychiatrist could evaluate your side effects better and maybe suggest some alternatives. I can't help wondering what doses you were started on that gave you those reactions so quickly. For Zoloft, initially you should only take .25mg; I'm not sure about the others. Anyway, even if it turns out you just can't tolerate SSRI's, I'm sure there are some other options. You just need someone with a lot of expertise in this area to advise you properly!

Well that's my story. If you have more questions don't hesitate to ask! Thanks for the comments on your name. You can tell your daughter that when I was younger, I thought it was an old woman's name too! LOL!
 
((((((((( Clare )))))))))))))) I know how much courage it took for you to share that with us. I don't know if this will help you, but I'll take the plunge and share this here, in the hopes it will help. And maybe it will help others too ...

I am very much like you in that I used to see therapy as an admission of defeat or as an admission that there is "something wrong with me". I no longer do. I'm one of those people whom God has to hit over the head with more than one 2X4 before I get the message. (I'm only speaking metaphoricaly everyone!! I know God does not actually hit His children over the head with wooden beams!!) Anyway ... if it hadn't been for therapy, my marriage would have fallen apart long before this. My husband of 15 years suffers from depression. Like you, he tried meds, and nothing helped. They either would interfere with his blood pressure meds (which he is now off as well), or they would make him feel worse. We went through ten years of this before we finally found a gifted therapist who helped him. We were in counseling together for about two years, and he still sees her once a month, and he'll continue to see her as long as she's in practice. As far as I'm concerned, that woman saved our marriage, and probably my husband's life. He has a family history of suicide because of depression - two uncles and cousin. How that's for scary? I used to not be able to sleep at night for fear he would travel down the same road one day. We literally tried everything to help him, and nothing completely worked until he went into therapy. He's off anti-depressants now too. He works out and eats well, and that helps too. When my daughter was diagnosed with OCD, I didn't waste any time getting her into regular therapy sessions. I was reluctant at first to try the Paxil, but like I've posted before, it saved her life. She confided to me after she started the Paxil that she was having thoughts of killing herself, but she was afraid to tell me.

I'm not a psychologist, but you sound to me like you do need help right now, because it sounds like this is interfering with your daily life and your relationships in a big way. If your physician will start you back on the Celexa under the condition you get into therapy, I urge you to give it a try. I do understand how you feel, but perhaps you could think of it this way - it's simply talking to another, trained human being, who can help you put things into perspective, and can teach you alternate ways of coping. These people are trained at this. If you find a good one, they can quite literally be a lifesaver. No one has to know you're going unless you decide to tell them. My daughter has told her best friend about her OCD, and she tells her teachers so when she gets a little off the wall in class, they know how to deal with her. So far, she's gotten no teasing or flack from anyone in school. In fact, many of her classmates are on meds for related disorders. It's very commonplace these days, and the stigma once associated with it is diminishing, thank God! They talk to each other about their meds and their therapy, as if it's all very "normal", which it is to them!

I hope this has helped. If you want to talk more, please feel free to email me. I really hope you get the help you need. We're here for you!!

Carol
 
Hello, Clare!
The first time I was diagnosed as clinically depressed was 2001 although with what I know now, I realize that it's been an unwelcome companion of mine since I was a teen. My doctor put me on Paxil and it did the trick but I like the Effexor much better. I went into thearpy then because my doc believed that anti-depressants in combination with therapy would be best. It was very valuable, I think. With the last episode I opted not to do it but I would in a New York minute if I had to! I know I don't have to tell you about fear and desperation.

You are amazing to me. I can feel that you are holding on through sheer will and my heart goes out to you. If the Celxa worked, why not try it again in conjunction with therapy? You might be amazed at how talking to a professional can direct you in ways of recovery you never thought you would go. If, however, you really feel opposed to it, no doctor should blackmail you and you can find a new one.

I feel in my heart that there's a solution for you out there! And you know that we are here for you and we'll try help you find the way out of the darkness and back into the light where you belong!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/nosmile/peacesign.gif
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/person/smilejap.gif
 
Clare,

Just wanted to give you some more moral support, and perhaps bring up a point that may help you let go of your feelings towards therapy...

When you posted your story you probably expected one (or both) of two things: first, that others might benefit from reading it; second, that others might respond with similar stories or simply with supportive posts that may give YOU some peace or strength or.

In either case, the result would be that either you or someone else would be helped by reading, thinking about, or talking about what you had to say.

Is that so different from therapy?

By writing down what you did and posting it in a public forum, are you not admitting that you have a problem? Is that so different from admitting a problem and seeking help from a therapist?

Now, I realize that finding a therapist and getting help for your illness is a much longer process involving a lot more STUFF (for lack of a better word), but your initial admission to the world of your mental illness is done--isn't the next step (finding a qualified doctor and discussing the issue further) not so hard now?

My mother, grandmother and many other women in my family have suffered from depression and other mental illnesses over many years. Luckily, my mother has been lucky enough to have found a good therapist and the right combination of pills to help her through normal life and hard times--her father's suicide, her mother's death, my father's cancer and ultimate death and most recently her own diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I don't know where she would be now without the therapist and the medications...

PLEASE consider what I've said. You DO have a problem. Getting therapy does not mean that you are admitting defeat. It means that you are willing to try any and all measures so that you WON'T be defeated!

Good luck to you!

Wendy
 
Hi Clare!

I only have a second as we are putting our Christmas tree up right now. Took a quick break! You are very welcome. I, too, thank God for everyone here and knowing I can come here for any advice, support, encouragement, etc. You've been there for me many times!!! I am not qualified to advise on depression, panic attacks or therapy but I am more then HAPPY to "talk" with you ANY time you need a shoulder to cry on. You have gotten some great advice here and I also agree that admitting you have a problem is NOT admitting defeat or failure. There are many great professionals out there that CAN help you. I feel bad that exercise is not an option for you right now. That is awful. It does help with depression, mood swings and also your energy level. I pray that you will be able to add it back into your life soon. I know I haven't helped much here but want you to know that I am thinking of you. Keep us posted and please go find someone that can help you get on top of this. Also, keep coming here to keep in touch with us all and for your daily dose of one of the best meds you can get! :7 Big, big hug to you! {{{CLARE}}}

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
RE: Hi Clare!

Thanks to all of you lovely ladies. I have read all your posts and want you to know that I appreciate them and am thinking about all the issues they raise and advice given. Thanks for the stories, perspective and the hugs.

Smilin' here! ;-)

Clare
 
RE: Hi Clare!

Glad to see you here and smiling, Clare!!!!!!

Carol
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
 
Hi Clare - Read your post. I can relate to it. I developed severe panic attacks and agoraphobia in my early twenties. I am 50 now and back then had no diagnosis or treatment for it. They called it "housewives syndrome" and said it mainly affected housewives and male business travelers (I am neither). Anyway, I lived like this for a few years unable to travel more than 10 miles from home. I experienced attacks at home, outside, virtually everywhere. They were severe. I tried therapy at a mental health center, which was somewhat comforting, but again, the therapist didn;t have a clue what the disorder was. I happened to see an article in our local paper about a pilot program that was started at our university's medical center. They talked about all the symptoms I had and were looking for people to participate in a therapy group. I joined the group which met once a week for 12 weeks. They were all women young and older. None had agoraphobia like I had, all were afraid of something specific, eg. going over bridges, eating in a restaurant, stores, however we all had panic attacks in common. Anyway, they did not delve into our past for the root causes. They did de-sensitization therapy with us. We had homework assignments to do a little something each day that we were uncomfortable doing realizing that even though you might have a panic attack doing it, you would not die or have a heart attack. It was extremely difficult but because I had to report to the group, it gave me incentive to push myself. I was also in a relationship at the time that I was not happy with, but felt horrible guilt about ending it. Part of my phobia was that I had boxed myself into this relationship and felt I couldn't get out. Not that that was the only reason for the agoraphobia, but it contributed.

During that time I also read a book by a pioneer at the time in the field of panic disorders - "Claire Weeks". She's passed away and the book was written a long time ago, but it helped me tremendously. With three little words - "Face, Float, Accept" I was able to get through the panic attacks and they would subside. An agoraphobic's instinct is to flee or take flight when the attack hits. The book taught me to face the fear - sit through all the physical feelings (profuse sweating, heart palipitations, feelings of unreality) and just let them come. Float through the feelings and accept them. Eventually they would subside. It worked. I remember the first time I got on a plane which I would'nt do for years, I immediately had an attack. I used that technique and the feelings subsided. I then started talking to someone which distracted me from my self and I was o.k. I'm not saying this is all easy. I must have had a hundred attacks during that short stay in NYC, but I did it. The feeling of accomplishment was incredible and it motivated me to do a little more each time. I also ended the relationship I was in. I know I'm an agoraphobic, but I have control over it. I still get anxious and when I do I just follow that technique. It works every time. I never took any medication as I always felt that was just masking the problem and I'd have to be on them for life. I think if you can get into group therapy for this it may help. Hell, you've gone the other route. It is sometimes very helpful to be around other people who have this disorder and can relate to what you're going through. There are many people in the world who have this disorder. You are not alone. Maybe try to find some resources in your area over the internet or by calling a local mental health facility to see if there are therapy groups. I'm sure there are. I live in medium size city and we have several here. Reach out and get help. There are some things in life we just can't handle alone. There are resources out there. Please let us know how you're doing. O.K. Hang in there!

Mar:)
 
Mar:

thank you so much for sharing your history with the disorder.

You are so right, there are resources. I live in a large University town and I have already put in motion the steps to getting a good therapist who specializes in this disorder, so that is a positive step. I read four books on Sunday on this, and Claire Weekes' name came up in one of them. Since you have had success with her, maybe I will too? I shall get hold of this little bible and devour it.

I seem to have already gone though a lot of the demoralization about this and I'm now in more of an angry, rebellious mood, I refuse to allow it to curtail my normal activites. I go out shopping, been to do some work in my local cafe as usual, been to the library, etc . I do feel calmer than two weeks ago. And partly, responses from caring people such as yourself have helped. We always need a perspective and an understanding of such events: researching the condition and receiving these tesimonies helps to gain access to that, so...

thank you!

Clare
 
Oh, Clare! I am so happy that you are getting there step by step. I remeber the first time I attempted to call my doctor, I sat down and cried instead. When I made the call the next day, it was so hard. Walking into her office, I felt like I had a scarlett D branded on my forehead. The nurse asked me why I was there and I said depression and she patted my arm and called me, "Sweetie". By the time I left, I was already feeling stronger because somehow, just knowing that it has to stop, that only each of us can do it for ourselves and taking the first steps toward doing it is in and of itself a sort of healing. I am so proud of you! Keep your dander up and kick the disorders behind!
Bobbi
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chicks rule!
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/nosmile/peacesign.gif
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/person/smilejap.gif
 
Hi Clare,

I am so sorry to hear what your going through. I have panic disorder really bad. I had it for about 12 years now but for me the paxil works so everybody is different. I remember my first one. I didn't want to go out, i was so nervous, feeling strange, depressed. At the time I didn't know what was happening to me until my father who was alive at the time told me about it because he had it too. At that time I was on something different I think it was Palamar but I can remember it took a couple of weeks before it work!! It was such a nightmare for me and my family. After a year I was weaned off of it, then a few years later it came back, so this time I was on Prozac for a few monthes then weaned off again. Now I am back on it because my father passed away about 1 1/2 years ago. This was the worst ever because as soon as I start to get weaned off it comes back. It is a horrible feeling so I know what your going through. I am still on the Paxil and it really help me get through this. I just want to let you know you are not alone. Just keep searching until you find something that works for you because that is what I did the first time I went through this, I think I tried 3 different things until finally something kicked in. I know that prozac didn't worked for me the 3rd time like it did the 2nd time but you just have to hang in there girlfriend because this will go away believe me. I will pray for your health. Please email me if you need to talk:)
 
Thanks Barbara, I am hanging in there, and I swear I feel the good vibes floating all over me from your good wishes towards me and those of all the other caring, sharing folks here who have responded. Since I am so far from my family back in London, UK, it's wonderful to have people here to talk to, such as yourself, to help me stay centred and not freak out!

I am having loads of heart flip-flaps, palpitations all the time. My docotr wonders if maybe I am also heading into perimenopause, the change before the change, wherein a decreased level of oestrogen affects the smooth functioning of the cardiovascular system, producing this syncope. So, I am learning to ignore the heart when it does its thing, just breathe deeply for a few seconds, calm my mind, and then back to whatever I was doing. For 9 days now this has worked.....

THis is my mantra: breathe, breathe, breathe.....

CLare
 
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