Major foot in mouth disease-rant

F

FitnessGoddess

Cathlete
So, I had this conversation with a woman (she is over the age of 30) at work in which we talked about femme men. I said that this one very attractive, very nice man had femme qualities. I happen to like this man very much, have a lot of respect for him. This was not a conversation about putting men down or gay men for that matter. Just a conversation in which we said, "oh he's very femme." That's it.

Today I get an email from this man telling me "A little bird named (I'll call her BIG PHUCKING MOUTH) told me someone said I have femme qualities. Any truth that it was you?"

HOLY SH*T!

My first response was deny, deny, deny. I didn't. I told him the truth. I told him that yes, I said something to that affect but that I wasn't questioning his masculinity. If I deny it, he goes back to her & calls her a liar. I thought about telling him about the extent of the conversation but I'm not into he said, she said bull sh*t.

Then I marched my happy a$$ up to Big Phucking Mouth's cubicle and asked her why on earth she would tell him something like that? Had I offended her in some way that she was looking to cause me harm? She just laughed and said she thought it was funny, that if someone was saying something about her she would want to know, good, bad, or indifferent. I didn't ask her (didn't think about it until now) how she would feel if I went to Maj So & So and tell him that she said these things about him. But even thinking about it now...what good would that do? I don't want to play that game--besides I do still have to work with her.

I am full of all kinds of emotion. Angry because this was not a conversation to be shared. Worried about what this is going to do to the relationship I have with this man. I do have to work with him. Angry with myself for getting sucked into this conversation & then having it repeated. Dammit! Worried that this may cause problems for me professionally.

What relationship do I have with this woman? We have had crazy conversations before. Nothing personal. This was just one of those watercooler type relationships. But we've had conversations of a similar type--you know who is hot, who thinks he's hot but isn't, so this was no different... But MAN OH MAN have I learned a big lesson....

DON'T GET SUCKED INTO CONVERSATIONS THAT COULD CAUSE ME TROUBLE IN THE END

Ugh, thanks for listening....
 
Girl! That is a bummer! I would have probably slapped her! Did he sound upset with you when you admitted it? No more conversations with her!!!!


jesx(
 
That is awful. Why would this woman tell the man that? It would only hurt his feelings. Very odd. That is a lesson learned. I have learned many. People are strange, you never know what they are going to do.

Lori
 
I have been known at work & anywhere else for that matter, for putting my big foot in my mouth. I'm sorry. My deal is I don't judge peope so severely & I could be so laid back, I often think others would do the same for me.

You didn't say anything wrong. This chick is obviously a trouble maker, the sad part is she has some experience with this sort of thing because she had an easy reply about her "wanting to know." Yeah, right! I can bet you'll be a little more hesitant about sharing with her. The best thing to do is let your guy friend know it was a total compliment and why.

Case in point... I recently told a coworker "You paid $85 for that?" when she had her hair done. I promptly apologized in front of everyone because 1st, I had overheard her saying it was "just a trim" the day before. So I was mad they would charge her that much for a cut & dry. It turned out she had gotten some shimmering highlights too, & truthfully, she really needed nothing more than a trim. Once she heard my explanation, she saw I was on the up & up with her & not just trying to clean up my mess.

Marla
 
The woman likes torun her mouth, probably the only exercise she ever gets. Stay away from her. She'll do it again.

Meanwhile, keep treating the man in the same way you always have and make sure that he understands that the fact that some men are honest about their "feminine qualities" is a blessing to us women and that you like him all the more for it.

Then, just let it go. But yeah, stay away from the bitch with the mouth.


Clare
 
Well this is going to sound tough but put some of the blame where it belongs...on you. You said the woman you said this too was only an aquaintance and the conversation was a watercooler side chat. The words came out of your mouth not hers, and she wasn't a close friend of yours. Although she may have been at fault for repeating things, you were at fault for not exercising better judgement in what you chose to say to someone you don't know very well.
 
Been there before so I learned my lesson and never say anything that I wouldn't want anyone to repeat, even if someone begs me to tell them. Sorry you had to go thru what you did...I would never respect someone like that...ever!


Charlotte~~
 
I think this is one lesson we ALL end up learning someday. That's why I never ask anyone if they're pregnant until I see the baby. Yes you said a "phucking" stupid thing but it doesn't seem mean-spirited. So you own that part. However, be careful which "little birds" you talk to and what you say, especially at work where you don't have a personal relationship and you can't threaten her with anything :) like you could a friend. Doesn't sound like you'd want her as a friend under any circumstances.

So, face the music with your other co-worker and be honest and apologetic. Deal with the consequences, and stop beating yourself up, you're only human. An NEVER, EVER talk to that bitch again!!

--Lois

"Don't forget to breathe!"
 
Maybe she likes the guy and felt that you were competition. By embarrassing you and making you look stupid, she may have felt he would like you less and take you out of the picture. I'm assuming all three of you are single.
 
Thanks for being supportive!

I do own what I said. It was a stupid conversation & I said a stupid thing. I found out about this just before I left work for the day yesterday. We didn't really talk about it. Just the one email in which I told him yes I said it. I was in a hurry to get out of here for an appointment & failed to apologize. So this morning I am going to seek this man out & apologize big time. I am NOT going to get into the extent of the conversation but am ging to say, "it was a stupid conversation & I said a stupid thing. I care about you & never intended to hurt you. I'm sorry." I know I have to apologize to him & I'm going to. If we can "mend" our working relationship, I'll be happy but I know this is a friend lost. And that sucks.

As for her, yes, I hae learned a serious lesson here. I will be very cautious about what I say in front of her. In fact, unless I have business with her, I will be avoiding her all together.

My thoughts initially were how could she do this to me? But in thinking about this all night, I have thought "why would she do this to him?" I mean, yes, by repeating what I said she hurt me but this had to be painful for him, too. I never intended that. She obviously didn't think about his feelings in telling him, anymore than I thought about his feelings in saying it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I couldn't sleep last night because I feel so badly about this. I laid away thinking about how I could make it right. I don't kow that I can but I'm certainly going to try.
 
I think if you tell him that - about how much it has upset you, he will see you as sincere in your apology and forgive you. Maybe even ask you out for dinner...
 
>I said that this one very attractive, very nice man had femme qualities. I happen to like this man very much, have a lot of respect for him.

FitnessGoddess,

These comments sound very positive to me and would probably sound positive to him, too. Does he know what you said? And, quite frankly, if this man tends to be femme...he already knows it becaue he plans it that way. I cannot believe a femme looking man doesn't know that he's not in the mainstream.

Anyway...if I were you I would feel betrayed. You are owning what you said which is a very mature attitude. I would just chalk it up to a life lesson and never say anything to her again you wouldn't want repeated.

Just my two cents.
 
>And, quite frankly, if this man tends to be femme...he already knows it becaue he plans it that way. I cannot believe a femme looking man doesn't know that he's not in the mainstream.


LOL!
:+ :+ :+ :+ :+ :+

Charlotte~~
 
Fitness Goddess,

I have done this before and my guess is in a few days all will be forgot and forgave by the man you said it about. As for her, I agree that she is just out to hurt people and just stay away from her as much as possible. Or at least keep the conversations to the weather and how your weekend was :)

Charlotte,

I hope you laughed at that for the same reason I did. I don't believe he PLANNED to have feeme qualities...We are what we are to a certain degree. :*
 
You poor thing. You're learning your lesson the same way I did--the hard way. I work in local politics & it didn't take me long to learn that every single work out of my mouth is public information, and can be twisted & turned to mean the exact opposite of the intent.

My lesson: EVERYTHING IS ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS.
 
>I hope you laughed at that for the same reason I did. I don't believe he PLANNED to have feeme qualities...We are what we are to a certain degree.

I agree we are what we are but don't you think he knows he is not mainstream? I believe we all have self awareness...some choose to be different for whatever reason. I work at a very conservative company and I choose not to dress conservatively. I do this very consciously.
DH is also very aware of how his dress is perceived.

I also believe there's nothing wrong with a man having femme qualities if that's what floats his boat. I know women who are very attracted to men that are femme.

Now, I am assuming we're talking dress also, not just mannerisms. If it's just mannerisms, I agree, he may not be aware. But, if he's always had femme mannerisms, even as a child and teenager, it's still hard for me to believe this is the first time he's heard it. Just MHO.
 
I agree but femme qualities don't have to be just dress. They can be mannerisms as well. And those are what we are. Seriously I was trying to point that out not make fun of what you said, But some men are just born with more femme mannerismslike women can have more masculine tendecies.

Terri
 
>I think if you tell him that - about how much it has upset
>you, he will see you as sincere in your apology and forgive
>you. Maybe even ask you out for dinner...

I'm very married. So dinner isn't an option for him. But I want him to know that I value his friendship & intended no harm.
 
My sister is the same way. She told my brother that I said his new girlfriend looked like a toad. That was not meant for my brother to hear because it would hurt him. Why did she do it? Because she wanted to hurt ME. She didnt care about his feelings, as long as she got to hurt ME.

Watch Survivor and Big Brother. You will see the way people lie to and cheat each other, even siblings. Good lessons about human nature that directly apply to life and the work place.

Dont trust anybody at work because everyone is competing with each other. He is femmy and she wants to hurt people. Steer clear of them both and dont make any more excuses about what you said. They are big friends now because she way "loyal" to him but it wont take long before she betrays him too.
 
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