Bobbi
Cathlete
Hi, everyone! This is going to be the vent of the century! I know I have made my love my my mother as clear as a glass window she might have cleaned. Hers are so clean you could walk through them thinking no glass is there. Many moons ago I mentioned that a few of my siblings use my mother for financial aid which she always gives. Two get into small scrapes and it never amounts to much. One of those two always pays her back, the other just avoids her. Then there's that third sister, the one who lives with her with her now 19 year old son and has taken advantage of her to such an extent that 10 of us have been working together to get her out of my mother's house along with her tragically drug addicted son once and for all. My sister has borrowed heavily but much worse helped herself to my mother social security number and gotten credit cards in my mother's name and my nephew is addicted to methadone and wrecked cars, been in and out of jail and on off tether for several years now. We have tried and tried to get our sweet mother to act to end it but because she is so very capable of taking care of her finances under normal circumstances we have been carefully trying not to upset her to get this done. And we all know that to a certain extent she is responsible for allowing it to happen because she cannot not bail out one of her children in trouble. But, the actions taken fall under the heading of Elder Abuse, taking financial advantage and some emotional abuse of an elderly lady. My sister has struggled, unable to manage her money affairs and we would have sympathy for her bt she has hundreds of pair of shoes and so many clothes and buys her son only the best as well all the while never making her own ends meet and knowing my mom is there to help her time after time. She has dark moods and will vent to my mother whenever we insert ourselves and sometimes I she vents at her.
We cannot act to have this sister prosecuted because that would be devastating to our mother although she certainly deserves it and bringing peotective services in would make her unhappy as well so we've been stuck between the rock and the hard place but ten of us have been pow wowwing to get something done. I feel like I am going to go ccrazy from stress! I was talking to my brother yesterday, the 5th of 5 calls from sibs, and my neighbor observed it was a good thing I was wearing no shoes or I'd have worn them out by then since I paced and rambled on and on. I am quite hoarse as well. I know you'd all find it surprising that I can talk a blue streak at times since I'm so quiet by nature.
As I mentioned, my nephew is on tether for the umpteenth time, and so my mother has no answering machine since he has to blow into some sort of a breathalizer unit and check in at various times of the day. My rather shy mother has been picking up the phone since she cannot have an answering machine and screen her calls and found out that ANOTHER credit card had been opened in her name and the dollar amount is huge. This kills me because she and my dad finacned our delightful Christmases for years and as she had fewer and fewer children she saved and managed her money so that she had pristine credit and she pays all of her (legitimate) credit card balances in full on a fixed income that is really quite small compared to the incomes of her children who have not taken constant advantage of her. AT this point, my brohter informed me yesterday, we need not worry that anyone could get a dime's credit so damaged is her good credit but there's the problem of keeping her from givng these creatures another cent. She is tiny, at 80 pounds and falls ill with stomach troubles and takes to her bed. I know this is are sheer nerves and her Golden Years are far from golden and she deserves utter happiness and no stress whatso ever. She has had that and survived it and yet it goes on and on and she herself has made it hard for us to get in there and do what needs doing. She has more than enough money and a very valuable property so it's not financial ruin but the principle that, my sister still barely takes responsibility for her actions and feels she has taken care of my mother for years and is somehow entitled and I am beside myslef iwth anger and it would further upset my mother if any of us really let her have it and if I end up going back there as I may have to since we are inserting ourselves between the two of them until we get her out, I have to essentially pretend that I don't think she's scum and act accordingly. Personally, I think jail would be perfect, three hots and a flop and she could be near her son the next time he goes in. They coud both learn a valuable skill for when they get out and have to really face life without being parasites. And of course, there's the exorbitant debt that my mother ends up being responsible for unless my sister hits the lottery and pays it off.
Ten of us, including the two of us here in Arizona, have gotten together to intervene, asking our mother to sell her valuable property with it's beach rights to lake Michigan and build a house on 2 acres with two bathrooms and go into it with no room and boarders to which she has mostly agreed. The tricky part is getting this perfectly competent woman to give POA to one of us so that no one can get a cent out of her without the consent of that person. It is an ugly mess. My ister has rationalized and justified her behavior and badly overindulged her son on my mother's nickle. My mother has had no boundaries and finds it's nearly impossible to not bail her children out time and again and would be beside herself if legal action was taken though I believe it should be taken and my sister and her son are virtually unable to make it out there in the real world. The one thing that is certain is we have dragged our heels far too long and must act in her own best interest.
The intervention was ugly and my sister was told it was done and was offered two months rent to get herself and her son out of our mothers home immediately. She declined, refusing to take anything from any of us and was told that was not an option. My mother has agreed to sell and get a new home but is still wavering a bit. I know she has to be relieved and yet she does not want her independance takenout of her hand and should have the right to give to her children as she sees fit but has such a hard time saying no when no is what she both needs and wants to say that it is very difficult to get this taken accomplished. Besides, we have allowed it to go on too long! I fell horrible ashamed about that. And yet everytime I have decided I would take actions through the State of Michigan myself, I have been reluctant because it would upset my mother as badly as seeing tens of thousands of dollars of debt wracked up in her name without her permission.
The proverbial fan has been hit and I am waiting to see if it's offf to Michigan I go and I could use a valium the size of a hockey puck! I have been learning a great deal about boundaries myself lately and while I am proud to say I am much like my mother, being too passive will get you into a world of hurt. I think my sister needs to be held accountable and I need to deal with my anger toward her without hurting my mother. My mother needs to be protected without being made to feel incompetent and this whole mess has to be ended and repaired as best we can repair it but it that seems such a tall order, how do we do it? What is wrong with these people? And how can we fix this without hurting our mother and isn't it really too late for that?
Yesterday was a long day!
I hope all of yours today is much better, very happy, in fact. And mine too!
Vent over.
We cannot act to have this sister prosecuted because that would be devastating to our mother although she certainly deserves it and bringing peotective services in would make her unhappy as well so we've been stuck between the rock and the hard place but ten of us have been pow wowwing to get something done. I feel like I am going to go ccrazy from stress! I was talking to my brother yesterday, the 5th of 5 calls from sibs, and my neighbor observed it was a good thing I was wearing no shoes or I'd have worn them out by then since I paced and rambled on and on. I am quite hoarse as well. I know you'd all find it surprising that I can talk a blue streak at times since I'm so quiet by nature.
As I mentioned, my nephew is on tether for the umpteenth time, and so my mother has no answering machine since he has to blow into some sort of a breathalizer unit and check in at various times of the day. My rather shy mother has been picking up the phone since she cannot have an answering machine and screen her calls and found out that ANOTHER credit card had been opened in her name and the dollar amount is huge. This kills me because she and my dad finacned our delightful Christmases for years and as she had fewer and fewer children she saved and managed her money so that she had pristine credit and she pays all of her (legitimate) credit card balances in full on a fixed income that is really quite small compared to the incomes of her children who have not taken constant advantage of her. AT this point, my brohter informed me yesterday, we need not worry that anyone could get a dime's credit so damaged is her good credit but there's the problem of keeping her from givng these creatures another cent. She is tiny, at 80 pounds and falls ill with stomach troubles and takes to her bed. I know this is are sheer nerves and her Golden Years are far from golden and she deserves utter happiness and no stress whatso ever. She has had that and survived it and yet it goes on and on and she herself has made it hard for us to get in there and do what needs doing. She has more than enough money and a very valuable property so it's not financial ruin but the principle that, my sister still barely takes responsibility for her actions and feels she has taken care of my mother for years and is somehow entitled and I am beside myslef iwth anger and it would further upset my mother if any of us really let her have it and if I end up going back there as I may have to since we are inserting ourselves between the two of them until we get her out, I have to essentially pretend that I don't think she's scum and act accordingly. Personally, I think jail would be perfect, three hots and a flop and she could be near her son the next time he goes in. They coud both learn a valuable skill for when they get out and have to really face life without being parasites. And of course, there's the exorbitant debt that my mother ends up being responsible for unless my sister hits the lottery and pays it off.
Ten of us, including the two of us here in Arizona, have gotten together to intervene, asking our mother to sell her valuable property with it's beach rights to lake Michigan and build a house on 2 acres with two bathrooms and go into it with no room and boarders to which she has mostly agreed. The tricky part is getting this perfectly competent woman to give POA to one of us so that no one can get a cent out of her without the consent of that person. It is an ugly mess. My ister has rationalized and justified her behavior and badly overindulged her son on my mother's nickle. My mother has had no boundaries and finds it's nearly impossible to not bail her children out time and again and would be beside herself if legal action was taken though I believe it should be taken and my sister and her son are virtually unable to make it out there in the real world. The one thing that is certain is we have dragged our heels far too long and must act in her own best interest.
The intervention was ugly and my sister was told it was done and was offered two months rent to get herself and her son out of our mothers home immediately. She declined, refusing to take anything from any of us and was told that was not an option. My mother has agreed to sell and get a new home but is still wavering a bit. I know she has to be relieved and yet she does not want her independance takenout of her hand and should have the right to give to her children as she sees fit but has such a hard time saying no when no is what she both needs and wants to say that it is very difficult to get this taken accomplished. Besides, we have allowed it to go on too long! I fell horrible ashamed about that. And yet everytime I have decided I would take actions through the State of Michigan myself, I have been reluctant because it would upset my mother as badly as seeing tens of thousands of dollars of debt wracked up in her name without her permission.
The proverbial fan has been hit and I am waiting to see if it's offf to Michigan I go and I could use a valium the size of a hockey puck! I have been learning a great deal about boundaries myself lately and while I am proud to say I am much like my mother, being too passive will get you into a world of hurt. I think my sister needs to be held accountable and I need to deal with my anger toward her without hurting my mother. My mother needs to be protected without being made to feel incompetent and this whole mess has to be ended and repaired as best we can repair it but it that seems such a tall order, how do we do it? What is wrong with these people? And how can we fix this without hurting our mother and isn't it really too late for that?
Yesterday was a long day!
I hope all of yours today is much better, very happy, in fact. And mine too!
Vent over.
