legal advice (long)

[sherryc]

Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice (legal or otherwise) on my father-in-law's situation. He is currently in rehab for alcohol/gambling addiction and his youngest daughter and her husband are the power of attorney for him. They are are in charge of all his finances and are REALLY controlling the purse strings. They give him a small allowance (sometimes) when he gets leave on weekends. He didn't have enought $ to buy a tube of toothepaste this past weekend! There is a family conference this Friday to discuss his situation (possible early Alzheimers). My husband and his other sister found out about this meeting from the nurse not the power of attorney sister. Needless to say we would not hear about it from them. My concern is that they may be taking advantage of him financially, they also don't want him to leave his home which is 3 hrs away from all of his kids, the nurse has suggested that he may need to sell his home, to more of an assisted living arrangement. BTW, his home is also a favourite vacation spot (on a lake) of the youngest daughter and her husband. What do we do next! This has been so frustrating, thinking that they are taking advantage of him and he doesn't know it.
Thanks Sherry;(

 

[jonahnah]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!

My BIL was in rehab for big time alcohol/prescription drug abuse so I have some sense of what your husband's family (and you!) are going through. Clearly, his not having enough $$ for toothpaste is NOT okay, but that said, if his addictions were bad enough to require rehab, there may to 2 sides to the story. Was he given enough of an allowance, but spent it on other stuff, possibly even alcohol or gambling? Was he then making up a sob story for the nurse? My BIL FOOLED everyone in his rehab and it was a top-notch place, insanely expensive and supposedly one of the best in the country. They bought his bullsh!t stories hook, line and sinker. They only stopped believing him when they found out that he and his off-campus rehab roommates went to a strip club during one of their unsupervised nights. (We were floored to find out this rehab facility even allowed off-campus housing, let alone unsupervised) Anyway, his roommates were sneaking in stuff and getting away with it. Not trying to hijack your thread here, just to make you aware that not all rehabs are as controlled as you would think so your FIL may not be living 100% clean, especially if he's allowed weekends out.

So, I think it's definitely okay to ask what controls your SIL have put in place, but don't automatically assume they are being overly frugal. However, you may have more information on this that makes you believe that they are in fact, being too tight. RE: your FIL's house. I would absolutely sell it if he needs the $$ for his care, especially if he needs an assisted living situation. I'm sorry if that means your daughter loses her favorite vacation spot.

Lastly, maybe your husband and all of his siblings should sit down and agree on a budget for their dad and someone can double check that he's receiving the $$ he's supposed to get. (Have $$ deposited in his bank account and it's easy to find out if the deposit was made or not.)

My thoughts are with you. Take care--

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.

 

[SirenSongWoman]

Get an attorney RIGHT NOW before the sister with the Power sells off everything to line her own pockets.

 

[SirenSongWoman]

The attorney can get a judge to freeze everything until what's really going on can be sorted out.

 

[Matiana]

I agree with SirenSong. Go see a lawyer with your FIL. Just because he is a dependent adult doesn't mean he has no rights. If he feels he is being treated unfairly then he or someone needs to stand up for him. Very sad situation indeed. I hope things get better for him soon.

 

[MSJ]

My FIL has some sort of dementia (I believe it's called picks disease) and has been rapidly losing his mental capacity for some time now. Our family hired a conservetor to manage his estate. She gives a detailed accounting for all her actions and will even consult with us about the really big decisions. I think that this has kept tensions down within the family. You might look into this option.

Maggie

 

[Shelshula]

You need an attorney.

Your inlaws having a power of attorney doesn't give then power over every aspect of your FIL. A power of attorney is generally limited in scope, so you need to have it examined by an attorney so you have a better understanding of its range of authority.

Also, if your FIL has dementia or alzheimers, then a power of attorney isn't good enough to sell the house. You'll need to go to probate court and have a custodian appointed. In such situations, the custodian is usually a family member.

Be careful of being penny wise and pound foolish. It will cost you less in the long run if you involve an attorney now. If other family members object to the involvement of an attorney or the courts, point out to them that it is in the interest of the family and your father to have an attorney involved, and the courts if necessary, so that the IRS doesn't get cranky and so that any real estate transactions aren't nullified in the courts.