just need to vent...

M

Michele S

Cathlete
My brother and his wife have been married for 16 years and have two children (whom I adore), and from day one, she has been a loon. She comes from a family of six children and as of right now, she is not on speaking terms with her parents or five of her siblings. Until the end of December, she wasn't on speaking terms with any of them. Of course, whatever "problems" are going on are never her fault. Her parents are very wealthy and most of the squabbling concerns money.

Because of her family history, my sister and I tend to tiptoe around her, mainly because of my neice and nephew. She has neices and nephews that she hasn't seen in years, brothers and sisters she hasn't talked to in years, so how much easier would it be to cut out your husband's family. So we've always felt that my brother's children deserved to have a little normalcy in their lives. My tongue is probably scarred from how often I have to bite it when I'm around her. In general, she is not a "hit" with my family, but because we are close she's just something that comes along with loving my brother. She has so many odd quirks...for instance, they built a beautiful home eight years ago but will not entertain for fear of the house getting dirty. My grandmother has NEVER been in her home - she's never been invited! When she has furniture delivered or work done, she makes the people coming in take off their shoes! She has a lot of issues and tends to really cling to my brother like a security blanket. She'll go on and on about what a wonderful husband he is, but in reality he just lets her do whatever she wants so he doesn't have to hear her BS. Just goes with the flow(a little too much IMHO!)

I will admit, though, that her and I can get along. Up until the end of December (when she wasn't on speaking terms with her "closest" sister) she and I were together quite often and would talk on the phone at least a couple times a week. Since she's now back with her sister, she has cut me off completely. I have not seen her since January (she lives around the corner) and up until last week hadn't talked to her as well. I guess I just feel very used. And although I don't care enough to confront her about it, I just can't get over the fact that someone can be so self-centered, and that this is someone that I have to continue to deal with. I think if this situation happened with a friend, you would take it in and move on...this is my brother's wife!

Well, that's enough (I probably could write a book!) Thanks for letting me vent, and I'd love to hear some advice or insight!
 
Hi, Michelle! That is realy very sad. You are in a touch situation and one that is difficult to fix because your sister-in-law sounds as if she needs professional help. Rarely is someone who is as you describe her, able to see herself, to own her behavior and to change it. Since you have a reasonably good relationship with her, you might simply try to reconnect with her. Tell her you miss your get togethers and phone conversations and would like to resume them. You may have to be persistant but it could be she doesn't realize she can have time for both you and her sister.

Barring that, or if you do try to reconnect and she does not respond, I have a couple of books to recommend to you.

Thank You For Being a Pain by Mark Rosen and Since Strangling Isn't An Option by Sandra Crowe.

Both books gives insight into people who are difficult and strageties for dealing with them and the emotions they force you to deal with. Since she's married to your brother, you are stuck with her and you've shown that you are quite capable of getting along with her and you want to maintain a relationship with your brother and the kids, so maybe the experts can help you find a solution to your problem. Good luck! I hope it works out for you! :)
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
 
Bobbi -

Thanks for your reply and for the book recommendations. I will definitely check them out...just the titles have me intrigued!

Michele
 
I like "Dealing with People You Can't Stand" by Rick Brickman and Rick Krichner. It is very helpful, both for dealing with difficult people, and for identifying which kind of difficult person you yourself may be perceived as by someone else. This last one, of course, may or may not happen, it's just a possibility. Not saying it happened to me or anything like that, nope, not saying that at all.

x( x( x(
 
Just wondering how well you get on with your brotehr? Can you speak to him about this? Will he understand? She sounds very selfish and to be honest, i'm not sure what i can say to make a difference. If you can't talk to your brother then next time she comes around and wants a shoulder to cry on tell her to fcuk off!(ooooohhhhhh the somerset in me comes out from time to time!)
 
I completly agree with icklemoley. Is she THAT controlling she wouldn't let you see the kids if you told her to **** off? I'm sure you dont want to put your brother in a pick and choose situation, but you cant let her walk all over you either.
 
My brother works for my father's business, and his kids (now that they are older, 13 and 11) are quite often there as well. A few years ago she would have been absolutely able to keep me from seeing them; now, I don't think it would happen, which is probably why I'm seeing things the way they are a little more clearly. She is a very self-centered person, her way or no way, and I sometimes wonder how my brother can put up with all her crap. We are close and I made the comment to him the other day that she more or less dropped me like a hot potato now that her sis is back in the picture. He didn't say anything, but he got my point.

A few years ago my brother really opened up to my husband about how he knows that no one really liked her and that we (as a family) were sorry that he married her. My family has a situation where my mother has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. My mom is 65 and we've been dealing with this now for seven years. My sister-in-law has never ONCE offered to do a thing...not even to stop in to see if she's alive or dead. BUT when my mom was in her prime, she was the perfect mother-in-law, the built-in babysitter, no questions asked! So my brother knows that there is a little animosity towards his wife with everything going on with my mom.

It's a tough deal, all the way around. I think my real fear has always been that her kids will grow up and carry on the nutty quirks that she has raised them with. I could go on and on with stories about her and you would absolutely believe that she's got a screw (or more) loose. She does need professional help, but she definitely does not see that her behavior is anything but normal!

Thanks for all the input!
 
She sounds very Narcissistic and it sounds like your brother chooses to enable her behavior because he feels it's hopeless otherwise. As long as he doesn't rock the boat, everything's okay. He must be very passive.

Hopefully no one is projecting the disdain for your brother's wife on to him. Sounds like he's got enough to deal with. Sounds like you've ALL got a lot to deal with.
 
Michele, I think you are to be commended for putting up with her and being willing to build a relationship with her in spite of her odd behavior. There's always a possibility that she was damaged at some point in her life and really needs people like you and your brother to help her cope with life since she obviously has few skills to do so in normal, nurturing ways. Reaching inside yourself and finding compassion for toxic people is very difficult but you have the satisfaction of knowing your behavior is above reproach and it protects your brother and his children from potential pain. There has to be something worthwhile in her if your brother loves her and it's to be hoped that somehow her better qualities can be brought out and there's no reason they can't. Be patient and keep trying if only because you are close to your brother and his children! There are no disposable people and the ones who try you beyond all reason can be a tremendous stepping stone on your path to personal growth!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
 
Just wanted to add that using the word "something" as opposed to "someone" was not intentional on my part. She is my brother's wife and I respect that. He lives with her, not me. And you're right in that he knows her better than I do. She did grow up in an abusive relationship with her mother, definitely emotionally and verbally and I can't say for sure if it was physically. She has shared that with me herself, so I am aware of her background and how she was raised, the things that she dealt with as a child. I understand all that. I think everyone has some sort of childhood issues. I know that I do, and as an adult I've learned to accept them and go on, hoping to be a better person.

We are a close family and I don't think my sister-in-law would ever say that she wasn't welcomed in with open arms. Her personality, though, is she puts herself where she wants to be and where she will get the most out of the situation. For instance, with my mother, when she was healthy and able to watch her kids at a moment's notice, she was the most wonderful woman in the world; now that she has Alzheimer's and needs help herself, my s-i-l is nowhere to be seen. This is her pattern in all her relationships, and whether I like it or not, it's the way she is. She's done it to me, to my sister and to members of her own family.

I do thank everyone for their different perspectives on the situation, which is the reason I posted my thoughts in the first place! :)
 
Yes, I think that sucks that she is not helping your mom after she had been sweet to her. I hope my post didn't come across that she has a right to be bitchy bc of what she had been through. Abused or not, it does not give anyone the right to be mean or neglectful of others feelings. I hope that she can follow in your example someday.
 
I don't have very much to add except to say, unfortunately, we have all experienced it. Everyone has someone in their family who's a nice person who goes off and marries some jerk. I have an aunt who no one wants to invite to anything because they can't stand her husband who is abusive to her and their kids. Why do nice people have to marry jerks and cause problems in the family??? It's a very difficult problem that is far too much a part of all of our lives. I thank heaven that everyone in my immediate family gets along well, but the extended family is a whole other subject. Many of them are long overdue for serious medicating. :(
 
hey, swissmom!

I came back here to edit my reply to you because I was afraid my comment about childhood issues would offend you...I hope I did not! My issues stem from my mother being a little emotionally detached and not from physical abuse, which I know is totally different and can leave tremendous scars. So if anything I said came off sounding ignorant to you (or anyone else) I'm very sorry. That was not my intention!;-)
 
Hello,
The mere fact that you have a scarred tongue for the sake of your neices and nephews is a testament to what a wonderful person you must be. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in her ugliness! The fact that she is on the outs w/the rest of her family is soooooooo
indicative of what kind of individual she is. As long as you and your family conduct yourselves w/love towards the kids, everything will work itself out. Rest assured that your nieces and nephews are very much aware that there mother is not all there. In particular, when they grow up and can think on their own w/out their mother's influence they will see how lucky they were to have you as an aunt. Your brother also must be grateful to you even if he might not have said it to you personally!! Everybody has had some cross to bear in some way or another. Some of us have had much heavier burdens and yet we do not use that as an excuse for being a miserable human being. Please hang in there, I have walked in your mocassins!!
God bless
boo boo
 
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