joke

[thinkgod1]

Proof That Scripture Can Protect You

Now an elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of Church services when an intruder startled her. She
caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables
and yelled, Stop! ACTS 2:38!**" The burglar stopped in his
tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the
burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did
was yell a Scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "I though she said she had
an Ax and Two 38's!"
__________________________________________

( ** Incidentally ACTS 2:38 reads; "REPENT AND BE
BAPTIZED IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST SO THAT
YOUR SINS MAY BE FORGIVEN."

 

[dhcsim]

Cute joke. I had never heard (read) a biblical based joke before.

 

[dlavie]

Yet this leads to another....

There had been heavy rains and the villagers were being threatened by a dam that could burst.

An older women had started praying for deliverance. A firefighter knocked on the door and asked her to gather necessary belongings and he would evacuate her. The woman explained that the Lord would provide. The firefighter left without her.

She had to move to the second floor as the waters had risen. She continued praying. A man with a rowboat yelled in her window, "get in the boat lady." She exclaimed to him that her Lord would provide. "Suit yourself" and he left.

She moved to the roof and continued her praying. At this time a houseboat went by, "hold on lady we'll help you out." "No, No the Lord will provide!" and she continued her praying.

The dam burst, the valley flooded and the old woman perished.

Upon her entrance to heaven she immediately confronted God and said "I put my faith in you, I prayed to you in my time of need and yet I perished."

God said to her. "Look, I sent a fireman, a rowboat and a houseboat what else could I have done sent the Queen Elizabeth II?"


Dave

 

[L Sass]

which leads to yet another. Seems Pastor Bob informed his entire congregation that every malady and illness known to man is somehow addressed and handled in the Bible. Mrs. Jones sat quietly through the sermon and on the way out informed Pastor Bob that she'd read her Bible quite a bit and never seen a reference in there to PMS. "Hmmm," said Pastor Bob, "let me look this over for the next week and I'll see if I can find mention of it."

A week passes and after the conclusion of the Sunday service, Mrs. Jones approaches Pastor Bob and inquires about his finding. "Why yes", says the Pastor, "there is reference to PMS in the Christmas story. 'And lo they went to Bethlehem, which is the City of David, and Mary rode Joseph's a** for the entire journey.'"

Lorrie

"Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever"
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6

 

[Armywife]

Ha, these are pretty funny. I too never hear jokes like this but they are cute!

 

[dhcsim]

To redo my earlier post.....I have never heard a "clean" biblical joke.
Here's my contribution:

“First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, There's something he's needin'
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing...........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole da@& thing”

 

[dlavie]

Ok just remember you started this....

There was this man who despite working hard at two sometimes three jobs at a time never seemed to make a lot of money. He was always a step ahead of the banker but never comfortable.

He had a loving family and wished he could do more for them.

Every night he prayed "Please Lord just let me hit the lottery."

He continued to work fruitfully, providing his family just enough.

An every night he prayed "Please Lord just let me hit the lottery."

One night the Lord answered him back.......






"This would go easier on the both of us if you would buy a ticket."