It just hurts still...

I

icklemoley

Cathlete
It just hurts, you know? It’s been three weeks since the split. I saw “him” last Wednesday night as he wanted me to see his kids. Big mistake. Just as I’m “healing” and getting things together it opens up all the wounds and I feel immense pain again. Now…Saturday night I go out with Olivia and we see him. He walks up to me (makes a point) and says “hi” then gets me a message saying “I’m not that tough” and that’s it. I hear nothing more from him. It hurts me so much that I still feel so much pain over everything and that I cannot seem to “get over this”. I just hurt so badly and want it to stop.

He seems “ok” and “fine”. Happy even. And that’s great. I’m sure. But I still hurt.

I’m sorry to go on.
 
Chances are, he is in just as much pain as you.If anything, he is just trying to act brave.Probably so he can bring you down more.I can remember being told cold around a ex.I had actually gotten tired of his "no point" phone calls...etc.Then one day he calls and I am not home.Thats when he came crawling back.(not that you want that but this is just my story)He seemed to be the one who was doing great and after all,he was the one who wanted this.When he saw that I had moved on, thats when he changed.
You can't let him see you with a lonely face on.He as reassurance that you are just as sad as him.If anything you should smile,laugh..you gotta play the game( I know it seems childish but you CAN'T be dragging your feet forever).And you know what, you will feel better by doing it.Prehaps you even fool yourself into thinking that you have moved on.
I know its hard and I have been there.But you sound like a great guy.I am positive that someone out there will appericate you for who you are and what you have to give.And it as only been 3 weeks, not a life time.Its like losing weight.You can gain it fast but it is alot harder to lose it.
Good Luck and I hope you are feeling better soon,
Lori
 
What Lori said is such excellent advice. Lori you are so right on there. Wayne, listen to her. My heart goes out to you, kid. I have been there too. I bet we all have. It *will* get better!
 
Almost everyone has gone through this. Three weeks isn't a really long time, so don't worry. It's cliche to say, but you will begin to feel better. My advice would be to not have contact with him until you are at least MOSTLY healed. If he wants you to see his kids, great! Tell him you'd love to without him around.

I had this guy in my life about 11 years ago that really did a major on my head. I would just start healing, then he'd call, or send flowers or whatever. Then I'd get interested again...and he wouldn't be in touch. The best feeling in the world came about 6 months after the last time I'd talked to him. He called me in the middle of the night (he lived in Arizona, I live in New York) and woke me up to tell me he was thinking about me and blah, blah, blah...I was pretty dismissive of him, and maybe even a little rude, and he finally realized he had no power over me anymore. Then after I hung up, I went back to bed, and snuggled up with the man I've been married to for 7 years. I never told him I had found someone else - just subtly let him know I didn't want him anymore.

You know what seemed to help me get through the MULTITUDE of painful breakups I had in my 20's? I'd find a song that related to what I was going through and play it ALOT! After Nick (the jerk in the above anectdote), it was "Freedom" from George Michael. The song is great because not only is the message good, it gets you shaking your butt - and who can be sad when you're dancing?
 
I have many songs! Mainly depressing ones!!! But i do have two that rings true.

Limp By Fiona Apple and Under Rug Swept by Alanis Morisette. I love the lyric in that song where she goes...

"What part of our history is reinvented and under rug swept, what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?".

It is hard at the moment. Hard in many ways. I feel sad. Hurt. Alone. I went out on Saturday night with Olivia and had a fantastic time. I was smiling alot. Happy. Dancing. It was a good night. But the day after, seeing him there hurts me. Knowing he's looking for someone else. I guess when you still care it still hurts.

But trust me, Alanis Morisette, under rug swept, is so very him.

I really appreciate you all for replying.
 
Have you thought about taking a little vacation? Maybe grab your friend, Olivia, and go away for a few days? If your situation allows it (extra cash, flexible work schedule, etc.), it could be great.

Don't look at being alone as a bad thing. I'm a firm believer that until you can be happy alone, you won't be happy with someone else. You have to depend on yourself for your own happiness. It's your responsibility alone and it's not fair to put that burden on another person.
 
Wayne - Have you thought about going out with your friend to a different club (where he won't be) or maybe just staying out of the bars for a while and just going out to dinner and movie or something. We've all been there and I know for me, just being out of that scene for awhile helped alot.

I feel your pain. It will get better in time. Believe that!

Mar;-)
 
Donna -

"Then after I hung up, I went back to bed, and snuggled up with the man I've been married to for 7 years. I never told him I had found someone else - just subtly let him know I didn't want him anymore."

I'm confused about your timeline. Did you feel drawn to your ex during any of the 7 years you were married?
 
We've all gone through this at some point or another I'm guessing. I know that when my heart was broken many years ago to a point I never thought I'd get over it, I found that writing all my feelings in a journal really helped. I know it might sound kind of silly, but writing it all out on paper not only helped me let go of the pain that was building up inside me, but it also helped me to sort it out and kind of organize those feelings.
Things will get better and the pain will subside. Just give it time. It's good to let yourself feel these emotions and heal.

Katie
 
Hi Wayne :) Soooo sorry to hear you're still hurting...the others have already given you some great advice...the only thing I can say, from personal experience, is the old adage that might sound tired but is sooo true..."time heals all wounds." :) Of course, that's not to say you ever completely forget someone you've loved...I think they always have a little piece of your heart...but sometimes it's just not meant to be. Now's the time to be extra kind to yourself...do at least one (preferably more!) thing(s) for yourself every day! :)
 
:D Hi Wayne! I guess I missed out on what's happened to you and I am sorry to hear about your breakup. Try to keep yourself busy. Do things you enjoy and try to stay away from things that will remind you of the past. In time you will find someone else, I know right now that does not seem possible. When you least expect it someone else will come along! Good luck to you and keep us posted!
 
I'm not Donna, but I think the phone call happened 11 years ago. She hung up the phone and snuggled up to her new boyfriend, and 4 years after the phone call she married that new boyfriend, who has now been her husband for 7 years.

Did that cofuse you more?? :)
 
No, no, no! The ex was about 11 years ago. He and I broke up about 9 months before I started dating my husband. My husband and I were together 4 years before we got married and have been married for 7 years. I think I had been dating my husband for about 4 or 5 months when I got that phone call. It was the ex's habit to call every few months or so, probably trying to keep his options open or something.

Maybe the way I phrased "I never told him I had found someone else" you thought I meant my husband as the "him" I never told? I meant I never told the ex that I had found someone. Didn't want him thinking there was any reason other than not wanting him (the ex) anymore.
 
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