Input on parenting.....

G

getnfit@39

Cathlete
Got a problem, more moral than anything else, and I thought I'd get feedback from you guys before I approach my daughter.

My daughter just recently turned 18 in November and last night she just spent her first night away from home with her boyfriend. Originally she left a note that read, "out with Andre, will be back by 2am" on her bedroom door. She left out after I'd gone to bed so she left a note telling us where she was. Happy about that! :) However, she didn't come in at 2am, she text messaged on her dad's phone that she was spending the night with Andre and would be in at 11am this morning after they went to breakfast.
Husbands tirade aside, I'm not sure where we stand here? I mean, she IS 18, but at the same time I'm feeling like this isn't "proper" behavior. Plus, she spent the night and his parents aren't home, they're traveling to visit relatives for Christmas, so I'm positive they don't know she spent the night with their son! He's 21, but I'm sure they still have some house rules and #1 is probably, "no girls overnight!"
So I'm really upset about several factors here, but I'm not sure which to really make the "big deal" about.
I know I plan to address the fact she spent the night in these people's home without their permission, and the fact she left a message on her dad's cell phone that she clearly KNEW we wouldn't get until morning! But what about her spending the night out period? I mean, do I have the right to STILL tell her what to do with her body now that she's 18?

I use to tell her prior to her 18th birthday that she could not tattoo, pierce, or in any way mar her body without my permission until she turned 18 years old, because until she turns 18 everything on her body belongs to me! I pay for it, shelter it, clothe it, feed it, etc., and you cannot mar it in any way without my permission! This worked! :) But now she's 18?

Insight, input?..............

Donna
Fitness~It's a journey, not a race!
 
Hi Donna!!! Oh dear....well, I must admit, my kids are not that age yet. (8 and 11) BUT, I think if she is still living in YOUR house, and she is NOT paying any rent or helping with the bills, then I believe she still must abide by your rules, or move out. You have certain standards, etc. that should be upheld if she would like to have a roof over her head and food in her belly. Not sure you could prevent any tattoos or piercings, though. :-(

Aside from that, I'm not sure which way to go as far as getting on to her about it. Sorry....I hope things will work out!

Hollie :)
 
Well, I don't know whether I should tackle this one, but I'll try.

She should have told you what she was doing up front. That's the bad part. And you're right about the boyfriend's parents not being home. You don't know whether they would have been OK with the set-up.

What it boils down to is NOT the fact that she was fooling around with her boyfriend, it's that she was not honest with you about her plans.

She still lives under your roof (with you providing her upkeep), so there are STILL rules, and they are YOURS. Negotiations (spelling?) are possible, but you have the final say.

If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to ACT like one. Sneaking around and leaving phone text messages is NOT the adult way to handle the situation.

My opininion for what it's worth. Now I'll go downstairs and work out.

Just Do It! :)
 
Hi Donna,
I'm not a parent, but I can tell you that when I pulled a stunt like that at your daughter's age, my parents grounded me for a month and gave me a big lecture on the fact that while I was living under their roof, their rules apply, plus they always lectured about the fact that trust is very important in parent-child relationships, and stunts like that took away that trust and I would have to earn the trust back, etc. I have to say that the "rules" lecture wasn't too persuasive, but I always hated that "trust" lecture. It made me feel so guilty and like I wanted to earn their trust back because I did respect my parents and wanted them to think I was worth it. Just my 2 cents.
Cruncholi
 
Oh Donna..
I feel for you, my oldest daughter is 17 and in love too.
I share your worry. You are right IMHO about her spending the night at a home where the parents were un-aware.
I'm not sure about the other part, but she is living under you roof and therefore under your rules.
Also, she should know that what she did was not honoring her parents, an important commandment of God.
Keep up your standards and let us know how you do. Kids of ALL ages need rules.

Judy
Live by the golden rule: treat others as yourself :)
 
I was actually doing that kindof thing not too long ago. I am 26 now, but was living at home paying rent at 21 and still got chewed for this.

However, like I said, I paid rent, cleaned house, did yardwork...did my fair share. Eventually my mom stopped freaking out but it took a LONG time. Fortunately, for me, when I met my husband I quickly moved in with him and by that point we had enough honesty in our relationship that I just flat out asked her if she would have a problem with me staying the night at Chad's house. She said no.

Your daughter is much younger than I was though when I started that behavior. I hope you have taught her all she needs to know about birth control. If not, you may want to make sure she is on the Pill or something. My parents did that for me and I thank God, because I am sure it helped me in the long run.

I say, as the others, your rules are THE rules. If she does not pay rent (and, even if she does since you are the landlord) you have the say. And, if she does not like it, she can figure out how she can enter the real world and pay her own bills...then she won't be able to stay out or up all night since she will have to work in the morning!!

Good Luck Donna...

Janice
 
Donna-
I have no advice for you, I am sorry. My daughter is 14, my son is 16, and it has been the toughest year ever. My kids seem to be on a good roll lately, but it has taken so much hard work. I do agree with everyone else though, she should still follow your rules, I had too. Best of luck to you!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Lori S.
 
Donna,

My daughter is 17 so I feel your pain! I think the way I would handle it is this--first everyone needs to be totally calm. If you can't be wait until you can be. I do think both you & your husband should be present if all of you can be calm.

Now, she went out after you were asleep. She knew what she was going to do. I think honesty if a very large issue at stake here. If she is going to stay out all night, she needs to be honest about it in the future.

What were your rules before she turned 18? Does the fact that she is 18 change those rules while she is still living under your roof? I think they might need to as long as she is responsible about it. Much as I hate to say that!

If you feel this isn't proper behavior, I'm sure she knows your feelings on that issue. I think you should reiterate those feelings to her. But I think we (I'm getting ready for a similar discussion with my daughter today--MERY FREAKIN' CHRISTMAS) need to let the children decide their own values when they reach a certain age. We can only tell them how we feel & would like them to behave. We cannot make them have the same value of purity (for lack of better way of putting it) that we do.

Finally, is she "protected" from untimely pregnancy? If that's not an issue, WOOHOO! If it is, that should be addressed too.

No matter what it will be hard. Good luck.

I'm ready to take the next step! http://www.smilies-world.de/Smilies/Smilies_klein_1/a_smil09.gif
 
gotta second the birth control thing...make sure she's got it!

also if she's under your roof, it's your rules...she maybe 18, but but she still needs to respect you and your home, rules, etc.

good luck!
 
Hi Donna,
My poor child calls me a super-Christian, and I don't think he's saying that with love and admiration! My views are pretty clear-cut. If they want to act like adults, doing what they choose with their money, bodies, lives, etc., make all their own choices that is terrific, and I will support it, but they will not do that while living under my roof. If they are going to take control of their own lives, they do it while paying for themselves completely. If you are an adult, support yourself financially. I will always be there for advice, love, compassion, etc. but they know my rules, and they can't blatantly disregard the rules of my home. If they live under my roof, with my financial support, they follow my rules.
Honey, this is all so easy to say and hard to do. I feel for you. I haven't gotten there yet, but I agonize for you. My oldest is 15, and a pain in the tush! I also remember being "in love" with that first boyfriend. I will be thinking of you. Take care,
Dawn
 
Hi, Donna,
My son is 18, and his girlfriend is 17. So I know what you're going through. I think you basically got a positive assertion of your daughter's trust for you in that she did tell you, albeit sheepishly, what she was up to. Maybe she was apprehensive about dad's reaction, or aware of the mixed feelings on your part, and that's why she wasn't up front with you. It isn't easy telling your parents you're sexually active, so count your blessings.

IMHO what the boyfriend does in his house is between him and his parents. Be absolutely sure he was violating their trust before jumping to any conclusions. If you are being the moral judge of his situation with his parents, then your daughter can't make her own assessment of the situatuion because she'll be defensive. She obviously has a conscience; I'll bet she'll use it if she needs to.

Are they being safe? If you have given her the information and resources to do so, then more power to you. Your daughter will be the strong, self-reliant, self-empowered woman that you have given her such a wonderful example of during your amazing weight loss regimen.

I work in a high school, and believe me, I see kids quite a bit younger than the two young adults in your life doing extremely scary, self-destructive, high-risk things all the time, mostly knowing that their parents either will never find out or won't care if they do. What you're strugglinhg with is the fine points of honesty and communication. Feel lucky! Feel proud of your daughter. Nature's going to take it's course, kids are going to do it. Give them a safe nurturing environment with plenty of examples of love and respect, and you'll be giving them one of the best foundations for adult honesty you can.

Sorry so long-winded. Good luck.

--Ann (old hippie who believes in the power of love)
 
The showdown.................

And I thought I'd miss my workout today huh!? I may not have done any cardio, but I assure you my heart rate was in its zone nonetheless!

My husband and I decided that we would accept about 10% of the blame as we failed to sit down with her last month when she turned 18 and tell her what things would be different (curfew) and what things would not (basically all our other expectations!)
So accepting this we sat and waited until 11am for her to come in. Every minute after 11 I could feel my blood pressure rising, so by 11:15 when she graced us with her presence, I was livid to say the least!
She tried her best to give me all the "but I'm 18, yadda, yadda, yadda, I should be able to do what I want, yadda, yadda, yadda" crap, but of course it all boiled down to every parents final statements, "as long as you live under my roof you will live by my rules and the rules of this house!" So if she didn't have a clear understanding before, it's crystal clear now!
Her boyfriend's parents were not aware she spent the night, and her boyfriend will be having a chat this evening with my husband about our expectations while dating our daughter as well as some words on the disrespect he showed both us and his own parents.
I'm really glad my husband has all day to calm down before his "chat" because had he seen that boy this morning it would have been ugly! He's not doing well with this at all!
I was the rebel in my family so I can hear my dad's words in my head, "one day you'll have a child just like you, and it will all come back to you!" No truer words have been spoken!

And in closing, yes, I've spoken at length with Sara about safe sex, abstaining from sex until marriage (which always makes her roll her eyes around her head!), sexually transmitted diseases and conditions including genital warts, etc. But NO, she is not on ANY form of birth control! But I'm suppose to relax because she used a condom! :( And I shouldn't worry because "this is the man I'm going to marry!"
And I thought not working out was going to be the most difficult part of my day today!

Thanks for the support and input guys and pray my hubby doesn't hurt this boy tonight! I think he feels more violated himself than the fact that he had to accept that his baby daughter is no longer "his baby daughter!" I know he wasn't expecting this from Sara, they've always been close, she use to be very "tomboyish" and they've been great pals, and it was hard for him to see her start wearing dresses and makeup 2 years ago but he got over it and realized she was becoming a little more feminine, but apparently her having sex wasn't in his reality! So tonight will be interesting for us all! :)

Thanks again guys,

Donna


Fitness~It's a journey, not a race!
 
RE: The showdown.................

Parenthood ~ it's a marathon trudge, not a race!

Hey, Donna - alas I have no words of wisdom, being blissfully child-free by choice, but I do extend my heartfelt thoughts to you and your husband during this trying time. I know for a fact I could never weather the teen years as a parent, especially with all of the New-Age blandishments there are out there for young adults, coupled with some pretty hair-raising risks.

FWIW, I think you and your husband are handling this exceptionally well. Best wishes to you on this.

Annette Q. Aquajock
 
RE: The showdown.................

Donna, not having been through what you're going through right now, I can only offer you a hug....((((((Donna))))))!! I will keep you in my thoughts. I know this must be extremely difficult!

Hollie
 
RE: The showdown.................

I'm sure glad my kids are older now - 30 & 29. I'm VERY lucky they turned out OK, and are both employed and through school. It was very much luck, believe me. They had an alcoholic father and a chaotic childhood, so it's a plain miracle that they both turned out so well.

Good luck, Miz D, and stay strong. You are the rulers of your roost, and daughter needs to respect that, like it or not.

Just Do It! :)
 
RE: The showdown.................

I so hope you are able to resolve things with your daughter. It sounds like you care so much about her and hope you can get through this tough time.

Re the no sex for marriage deal - our church actually - teaches absetance as an option (much more realistic if you ask me) but they spend more time on the check list of having sex - eg are you prepared physically, is it a situation where you are not exploiting the other etc... while i know some folks will be appaled with this - they have found perhaps kids who have the absetance training may wait longer - once they go off the band wagon they tend to go way off --- but with this the kids may start earlier but have the training for when they do.

I hope that over the holidays you can spend some good old fashioned family time - even if it isnt all day at least some time together - I know I savor the time with my kids - and they are teenagers! Perhaps we are so close because I'm a single mom - or perhaps I'm just crazy but I really like the teen age!

Hope your holiday goes better than expected
 
RE: The showdown.................

Jeepers! I just read this post and wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I was just helping my 8 yr old dress her doll baby and now I'm having flash-forwards of her at 18 (shudder).

I met my husband at 17 and despite my upbringing, it was lust at first sight and raging hormones were in full force. If you don't think she will abide by your wishes for her to abstain, then you may want to make sure that she has obtained the appropriate protection.

~~ Sharon ~~
 
RE: The showdown.................

I too was a rebel and those words "you will do what I say under my roof" drove me out of the house quite a bit sooner than I would have preferred.

I think you have to do what you feel is right but if she sees things becoming too rigid, you may not like the results of that either. You have to ask yourself if you really are prepared for her to move out on her own when she wants to really assert her independence. I know neither me nor my parents were ready but my stubborness prevailed. I still feel that if I would have lived with them a bit longer, I would have got a better education instead of having to support myself. Then again, maybe not but giving the "listen to my rules or move out" is an option that I don't feel is always the best either.

Just my .02. If this is only happening when she has turned 18, you have done a good job at parenting in my opinion.

Kim
 
Now, I am not in your shoes yet(12 years to go!) but my mother once was. ;-) She basically said as long as I am under her roof, I must abide by her rules. I did not spend the night out anywhere(except for girl friends) and if I was going to be out later than intended I made sure I spoke to HER officially(not a machine). I admit in the beginning I was hostile but it ended up working! And hey, I didn't move out til I was 21 so I put up with it for a while.
Demand the respect you deserve and make sure she understands it's your house, your rules. If she doesn't speak to you about any arrangements before leaving in the evening - then it's too late! She may get grumpy with you but you know she loves ya!
Be firm, be loving, stay strong - Susan
 
Oh boy do I feel for you and your problem. I have a fourteen year old daughter who is "in love". I have made my views cystal clear so there is no doubt where I stand, but everyday she still tries to move that line. You must do what you feel is right. Moving that line a little in order to have a moment's peace only leaves you feeling sick inside. I know you don't want to drive your daughter away but making her value you and herself are so very important. Stick to your guns and your views and keep doing it with the love that is evident in your posting. It's almost harder for the men losing their "babies" then it is for the mother's. We remember that feeling of being in that teenage "Love" stage.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top