Influencing the next generation

[L Sass]

Nancy's post in another thread about the sentiment on a throw pillow used in a wedding invite got me to thinking. What are some things (tangible or intangible) that you hope to instill in or give to your children to make a difference? I'm sure solid core values, but what else?

Here's one of mine. DH and I were best friends and dated for 13 years before marrying. For a period of a little over a year he lived in South Africa where he worked with Nelson Mandela for a place called the Legal Resources Center fighting Apartheid and seeking to further civil rights. Every week during that time we wrote snail mail letters to one another. So we have a collection of about 120 letters talking about real world issues and how small steps make a difference. Some day my kids will get those letters, and I'm pretty sure (I hope) those discussions will have a strong impact. What are yours?

Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6

 

[nancy324]

Lorrie,

Deep down I don't really believe that we get to choose what we'll instill in our kids. I think they pick and choose based upon their personalities. My parents rebelled against their parents, who they thought were too conservative, and went WAY too far the other way. They said they wanted us to be "independent" but, given my personality, I took that to mean that they were trying to get rid of us, so I clung to them like glue, and they practically had to throw me out of the house to get rid of me. They thought that "independence" was the ultimate quality that you could instill in your kids, and to this day I don't even like the word because it makes me think of abandonment and neglect. Not to be a downer, but I think in the end what your kids walk away with has nothing to do with what you wanted to instill. At least not from what I've seen.

Regarding my pillow story, when I inherited that pillow, my stepson was already an adult and knew what he wanted, and that pillow really appealed to him. Thank goodness, he married a woman who was the polar opposite of his mother, and has a great marriage, unlike his parents did. Sometimes (often?) our kids learn more about what not to do from observing their parents than anything else! :+

 

[dorothyrd]

I think that being a the type of person, you want them to be. Not telling them they have to be that, but living the life. How many times do you meet parent and kid, and you think...the apple does not fall far from the tree, both in good and bad behaviour.

 

[L Sass]

You're right of course Nancy, that their interpretation is what will shape their own lives. That's why I phrased it "hope" to instill. It's your interpretation of "independence" that guides you, not how your parents interpreted it. I think none of us can dictate our children's interpretation of what we think and hope. That doesn't of course stop us from trying to teach them and leave them with momentos of things that we hope will be important to them and perhaps "make a difference" in the future when we are gone.

Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6

 

[SRP]

I'm not a parent, but what I desperately hope to see return to parenting is the desire to actually raise your own child. I'm not commenting on anyone here, and I've seen lots of wonderful posts that show that many of you moms (and dads!)play an active role in your kids' lives.

But I also personally know of way too many parents who would much rather dump their kids off at daycare so they can have the day to themselves.I think this, more than anything else, is resulting in today's children growing up without any firm values at all.

 

[endorphin_junkie]

It is my dearest wish, throughout their lives, that my 3 children can continue to look at the world with wonder, to not be self-centred and jaded. To maintain some naivety (for lack of a better word) through the slings and arrows that will inevitably be thrown their way. I hope that they continue to grow in wisdom without becoming shrewd. I wish for them to be instruments of compassion in this 'suck it up', 'get over it' world. I pray that, by example, they learn to grow and challenge themselves mentally, physically and spiritually throughout their lives. To live courageously, from the heart and to speak their truth when necessary (even if their voices shake!).

I want so much for my children but know all too well that the universe will unfold as it will despite my desires. All I can hope is that they stay true to themselves, know when to surrender and when to roll up their sleeves and get the work that needs to be done, done!!

Take Care
Laurie

 

[L Sass]

Laurie - how poignant and beautiful. Thank you for saying that!

Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6

 

[endorphin_junkie]

Lorrie, thanks for asking the thought provoking question What a beautiful gift those letters will be. To read them would be a fascinating glimpse into a time of enormous importance for human rights. What a priviledge for your husband to have been able to work with Mr. Mandela, gives me goosebumps!

Take Care
Laurie

 

[nancy324]

I agree! Beautifully stated, Laurie.

And Lorrie, I neglected to mention that your letter collection sounds wonderful to me, and I'm sure that your kids will cherish it.

I think that Dorothy and Laurie have the right idea. I've never been a parent, but I've observed a lot. I think a parent can have an exemplary life, and do lots of good in the world, but that doesn't make them a good parent.

I think my in-laws were great parents. They knew nothing about engineering, and could hardly even change a lightbulb, but when my DH showed interest in how things worked, they bought him kits and enrolled him in clubs and even gave him a room he could wreck building model rockets. He loved trains when he was a little boy, so his Dad took him down to the train station and sat there for hours with him, probably bored to tears, watching trains go by. They took an interest in who he was, and encouraged his natural talents and abilities. They loved him for who he was. It sounds like such a simple thing, but it means the world.

Sorry for the novel, I seem to be a posting fiend today.
-Nancy

 

[endorphin_junkie]

>I think my in-laws were great parents. They knew nothing
>about engineering, and could hardly even change a lightbulb,
>but when my DH showed interest in how things worked, they
>bought him kits and enrolled him in clubs and even gave him a
>room he could wreck building model rockets. He loved trains
>when he was a little boy, so his Dad took him down to the
>train station and sat there for hours with him, probably bored
>to tears, watching trains go by. They took an interest in who
>he was, and encouraged his natural talents and abilities.
>They loved him for who he was. It sounds like such a simple
>thing, but it means the world.

They do sound like great parents to say the least! We've seen too much of parents who seek to live the life they wanted through their children or live vicariously through them. I find this disturbing. To nurture that which is authentic in a child is to love them for who they are and can only serve to help the child become self realised and fulfilled in their lives. What more could a parent want?

Oh, and Nancy, we love it when you're a posting fiend:7

Take Care
Laurie

 

[nancy324]

Oh, Laurie, you sweetie-pie! What an awesome Mom you must be, and what lucky kids you have! You totally get what the whole parenting thing is all about. How I wish there were more like you in the world.
-Nancy

 

[Miss Lee]

Lorrie, I don't have children but if I did, I would hope that I could leave them such a legacy! First of all, I love letters. Talk about a dying art form! You're leaving them with evidence of your convictions in a tangible form that will give them great insights into who you are, what you believed in, the love, respect, and admiration you and your DH have for each other, etc. I'm really moved and I know they will be, too. :+

 

[dlavie]

There are a multitude of ways to get involved with the "next generation"
> volunteer as a Scout leader, girl or boy or the coed Venture program
> help with your church, temple or mosque youth group
> help out in the schools
> be a big brother or sister


One of the greatest and humbling experiences I've enjoyed is being asked to speak at an Eagle Scout Court of Honor. I joined to help out my son but I never realized how much of an impact I was making until another Scout asked me to speak at his ceremony. I quietly asked why me, his answer positively floored me.

My parents and I were opposed to each other, where they were liberal I was conservative, where they were conservative I was liberal. Most of their values were instilled in me in spite of the different viewpoints on a particular subject.

You are having a greater impact than you think. Remember, they are always watching and learning.

dave