In need of advice - pretty long ...

M

milagrosepul

Cathlete
Hi ladies, I know I'm still pretty new here but I thought you guys may have some great advice for me.

I am currently living with someone whom I love very much. We've been together for almost three years. I am 27 years old and beginning to think about what I want to do with my life as far as family and a home. He is 26 and I don't think he has even begun to think about a future.

In the recent months he seems to have become more immature and irresponsible than ever. Now in our relationship I have more ability to put more money toward monthly bills and I only ask that he help with his share of rent and household bills none of our luxuries (i.e. car, Time share etc) In the past couple of months he has been going out very often with his friends, who by the way all still live with their moms and have no responsibility at all, he has been coming up short with the rent and telling me he doesn't know where his money is, he hasn't done anything for me in a time span that I can remember. We haven't gone out or done anything special in about 6 or 7 months. At home he does attempt to complete his share of things as far as laundry, cleaning and dinner. He has become more and more comfortable and has started taking me for granted.

This morning my rent check bounced and it was because he didn't have his half on time. I have never had anything like that happen to me. Now I have to deal with the embarrassment from my landlord and the charge that my bank deducted for the over withdrawal.

I don't know if I am over reacting or maybe I am right and he isn't ready to move on in life with me.

What do you think?

Thank you listening (reading:) I appreciate your advice.
 
Millie,

First, consider it a blessing that you are not married to him. Now, you see how he is and it's up to you to decide if you want to be with him or not. Chances are that things will get worse before they get better...

~Marietta
FITXME
 
Hi Millie!

My first reaction is to ask if you've talked to him about this? He might be totally unaware that you are feeling this way. I know in the past my husband and I have had this issue: I'll be upset about something, simmering for a few days or weeks, and then when I finally do say something he'll be surprised and say, if you don't tell me that something is bothering you, I can't fix it. :)

Good luck!

Sparrow

__________________
www.scifichics.com
 
I think the fact that you are raising these questions shows you have some doubts of your own. Listen to your gut instinct. Like the other poster said, these things rarely, if ever, get better.
 
I would say hold off on getting married, Also I would try to nip it in the butt now . Ummm I would even make him pay all the rent you pay the cable ,elec, phone .Or Just make him do his share(Whatever deal you two made) .. You start being mom to him you always will be mom to him . And trust me it sucks when you have real bills ,and they gotta be paid like clock work and he decides to blow the bill money with his pals ..Keep in mind too You cant change him .He is who he is .. You can teach him though !!! Oh also "they marry us thinking we wont change and we marry them thinking they will change " x( Been there done that !!!
 
:) You guys are great. Thank you all for your advice, it's wonderful.

I have spoken to him about this stuff, as a matter of fact, we talked about it last week. I thought he understood, and he made it pretty clear to me that he did, now I don't know.
I feel like I am raising a child...I mean, why should I have to teach someone that rent should not be spent on friends and clubs?

I guess you guys are right, it won't get any better because I've already spoiled him, thinking I was doing the right thing.

I have some serious decisions to make...

Thank you all for your advice...
 
First, you should know that your bank will probably put that check through a second time before actually returning it, so if you can move cash, do that first thing.

Second, I agree with whomever said you should talk to him about what you are seeing and what you are feeling.

Finally, 26 is not that young and I don't know what I would think about being with someone like that, personally. But then he sounds like my EX, which to me is a big red flag! I would think twice about committing to anything more permanent.

Take care,
Marie
 
how many warning signs do you need that you are headed for disaster with him?



there are 1000s of men out there, go get another one


every minute you spend with an immature loser how takes you for granted you are missing some nice man--probably OLDER than you--who will treat you right


this is your real life, you do not get a do-over

kick him out period
 
You've been together for three years and only recently he's acting like this? Maybe his friends have been ragging him about been an old married man and he feels the need to prove them wrong.

Maybe you guys should sit down with a counselor and chat a few times about expectations and where you see yourselves in five years. I only suggest a couselor as it's really nice to have an impartial person to play mediator. I can't see throwing away a three year relationship with someone you really love based on some stupid behavior (if that's all it took, my dh would be long gone - lol). It might just be that he agrees with you on the relationship but has a strong urge to sow some wild oats before he settles down. He might not even know why he's doing it. But, the check bouncing situation is serious enough to warrant a thorough sit down and a conversation on life expectations. Just a thought...
 
How long have you guys been living together? Is this the first time he messed up on giving you the $ for the bills?

If it's the first time and you've been living together for a while, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt...Maybe he just got caught up in having fun with his friends and lost some control of his finances temporarily. Everyone is allowed to mess up once, no?

On the other hand, if this is normal behavior for him and he frequently causes financial difficulty, etc., then I'd say maybe you need to re-think the relationship and possibly move on with out him as he will only bring you down if this continues...

JMHO.:) HTH.

Best of luck!
 
Take it from me.........if you keep letting him do this it will only get worse. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 23. I moved in w/ his family at 18 and we moved in together when I was 20. So that put him moving out of mommy's house at 28 almost 29. Believe me, in the beginning I was like,"How do you want this done and how fast?" His mom used to tell me all the time not to let him treat me like that. But because I was too afraid to be one of those women alone, I never listened to her. After my oldest son Caleb turned 3 I started to "wake up". There are some areas where he "walks all over me", but in other areas he doesn't any more, and that is when he says I am having an attitude. The more I work on myself, the more I am able to "fight back". You don't want to end up like me.

Just let him know that yes, he has friends but he also has responsabilites. Maybe he can cut the friend time down? Or maybe not go out until he has given you the part of the bill $ that he has to? HTH

Didn't mean to post long.Sorry.:)
 
Millie,

Talk to him, tell him, tell him, with his money disappearing, that you are both going to start taking out part of the rent money in each pay check. Then he can do whatever he wants with the rest of the money. This will insure you get the rent paid.

Also he maybe afraid of a life with you. I've seen two of my best friends go threw this. A few months before the guy asked them to marry, they went back to being 15 year olds. No responsibilities, going out partying etc. I don't understand why or what it did for them, but it allowed them both to settle down and become very wonderful husbands. So it might be just a phase, but do try to set up an agreement with him to give you the rent money out of each pay check and then he won't even have to worry about it at the end of the month. Then you can eveluate him on a more clear head, as money matters do seem to screw up thinking sometimes. And really ask yourself if this is someone you really want to live with or not.

HTH,

Kit
 
Hi Millie,

This is a real bummer. The only piece of advice I'll offer is this:

If you have any joint financial accounts with him, including and ESPECIALLY CREDIT CARDS, get them separated as soon as possible. That way, his lack of responsibility with money will not reflect badly on you in the eyes of banks, credit reports, etc and cause YOU major financial pain and suffering for years.

It sounds like you deserve better. Good luck with whatever you decide to do on this. :)
 
I think I'd be shoppin' for another man right about now! There ARE red flags all over the place with this guy. I hope you don't have him on any of your bank accounts or credit cards - he could be ruining your credit big time.
Just Do It! :)
 
I have to agree. Perhaps it's time to move on. It doens't sound good. Going out with this friends more, money not coming like it used to.... Find someone that wants to be with you.
 
This is a tough one. I know what we would all like to do but that may not be the right answer. The only reason I say this is b/c a friend of mine moved back to town and she started dating a guy she went out with in highschool. She was madly in love with him back then and she still was. She as a really good job. Good enough that he doesn't have to work and he is also use to getting everything passed to him b/c his parents are well off. He was also use to treating women like they came last.
I can not tell you how many evenings she would come visit me b/c he had ditched her again. And then when she would get mad at him he would some how reverse the rolls and would get mad at her and she would end up apologizing for something she didn't even do. I could not beleive what I was seeing or hearing. And I thought, if that were my boyfriend, when he did arrive home, his clothes would be on the door step.
Anyway, she patiently waited it out and waited for him to "grow up" and realize that his buddies don't come first. Eventually he did. And they are getting married this weekend. She still has trouble with him getting a job, although I think he may be working now.
Now, this guy was always like this. She knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating him again, but if your guy is after changing in the last few monthes then you have some serious thinking to do. I think it is always worse when they hang out with people who have NO responsiblites. No doubt, they evny that.
Good Luck and keep us posted,
Lori:)
 
Ladies, thank you so much for all of your great advice. For those of you who are wondering, no I don't have him on my credit cards or any of my bank accounts, we just share the household bills. As roommates would. I'm not that crazy. ;)

I do love him dearly but I feel like I'm raising a child. I spoke with him again last night about my feelings that we need to start securing a future and the minute I pressured him even a little he got really upset and frustrated and asked that we not talk about it anymore.

The friends thing really bothers me because they are very immature and quick to tell him that he should not be thinking about anything right now. I don't know if I can win that battle or if I should even begin to fight it.

I know I can't wait around forever, and can't continue to deal with the childish behavior. I need someone who is on my level.

Thank you all for your input on this. It's great. I really appreciate it. Hopefully I'll be able to help on quesitons you guys have in the future. :7
 
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