I think I might have an eating disorder.

[Mercurial]

(Cautionary Warning: This post is probably kind of depressing and some people who love being fit and healthy might find it alarming. But I dont know who else to ask than Cathe.)

Hi, Cathe! You have so many questions all the time, and I feel bad taking your time, but I honestly dont know who else to turn to (and am afraid to turn to someone). I'm sorry this post is kind of long, but to make it easier if you are super busy, I'll put my questions at the top, and all the extra information below them.

Can you explain to me what a healthy lifestyle looks like?
Can you explain to me how to lose weight in a safe and healthy way? I just want to lose 20 pounds, which would still be a healthy weight for me.
I want to feed my body, but I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I do. How do I escape starvation mode without gaining weight?

xx

I love your workouts; you actually make working out really enjoyable, and because of you, I have learned to love exercise. I feel so much healthier because of you, and so I want to thank you for being such a positive force in my life, and in millions of other peoples' as well. Now, exercise is the highlight of my day. I idolize you and look forward to seeing more from you for... ever.

But my question... I think I have an eating disorder, and I'm not sure what to do, and I'm embarassed about it, because I'm really short (about 5'0") and weigh 125 pounds, which is almost overweight according to BMI. I know that BMI isnt always reliable, but it is for me; I have a very slight frame. Some girls are supposed to be bigger, but I am certain I'm not one of them, because when I used to weigh 100 pounds, I looked wonderful, healthy, and happy.

I work out a lot, every day. Even though I dont look it because I'm too heavy, I know I'm a lot healthier than most people.
I havent taken a rest day in months, but it doesnt bother me because I dont do weight training that much, so my muscles dont need to recover. And it doesnt bother me either, because like I said, working out, with or without your DVDs, is the highlight of my day. I sincerely enjoy it.

But I dont eat nearly enough... it's always under 1000 calories, but it's closer to 500 calories most of the time. I posted in the Open Discussion a month or so ago asking how to lose weight, because I cant seem to make any progress. I said I ate more than I actually do in that post because I didnt want anyone to know I had a problem. Some very wonderful users told me that I need to eat a lot more, and even with some fibbed information, they scared me so much that I immediately upped my calories to 1200 a day. I even made meal plans and everything, but without realizing it, just a week later I was eating 500ish again. It's normal to me. I have been like this for all of my high school career. (I'm a senior in high school.)

And even though I exercise at least 90 minutes every day (it's usually closer to 2 hours) and dont eat very much, I'm still the same weight I was on April 1st. I wish it was some sick April Fool's joke that I still weigh as much as I do, but the scale doesnt lie... So I think my body is in starvation mode.

In a world where 50% of American adults are overweight or obese, and estimated 8 million people have an eating disorder, I dont want to be "normal" because that doesnt mean I'm healthy. I dont think I've ever had an idea of what healthy actually is.

xx

I'm sorry that this wasnt a very happy question. I dont want to inconvenience you, but I'm not willing to talk to my parents or a teacher or a friend about this yet. Something about the anonymity of the Internet makes me feel so much safer about admitting it. And besides, my parents, teachers, and friends arent specialized in exercise and nutrition; you are. I feel much safer listening to you than to any of them.

Thank you so much for reading and responding... You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

 

[morningstar]

Dear Mercurial,

I am obviously not Cathe and I hope you are able to have her respond to your post. I hope you won't mind if I also respond.

I am probably the forum member who's currently most open about the eating disorder I had for 20 years and just kicked in 2006. I was bulimic, not anorexic, but it really doesn't matter too much what the flavour of disorder is, except, of course, that anorexia has a better chance of killing you quickly and bulimia can drag it out much longer.

I have no doubt in my mind that you have an eating disorder and quite frankly, I think you know it too. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that you are trying to cope with your emotional problems by controlling your food intake and exercising. The trouble is that that is helpful in the short term, but in the long term, that type of coping mechanism tends to take over and actually becomes worse than the problems you are running from in the first place. You just need to recognize and deal with your underlying emotions and learn coping mechanisms that will actually work for you. There's tons of help out there, I promise.

With regard to weight loss, you already know you are in starvation mode and that your body is desperate to hold on to every ounce of fat you have on you, just to keep you alive, barely. Your body wants you to eat, but your need to control your food intake and keep exercising to extremes to keep the monsters away is more important to you than what your body wants or needs.

It will do absolutely no good for anyone to tell you to eat until you deal with the emotional issues underlying your eating disorder. You know, it's quite common. We all have ways of handling the emotions that hurt, some more positive and healthy than others. It gets more complicated with anorexia and exercise, because we are constantly told that it is good to be on a diet, that exercise is good for us. So we think we're doing something great for ourselves that we love, and then it slowly starts turning against us because we take something beautiful and mangle it with our obsession.

I would recommend asking yourself a few questions:

• Why do you think you eat so little?
  
• Does your family know how little you eat or are you hiding it from them?
  
• Do you take pride in how little you eat?
  
• Do you take laxatives when you eat too much?
  
• Do you binge and/or purge?
  
• How do you feel emotionally when you deny yourself food? Does it feel empowering and like you are in control?
  
• How do you feel when you eat "too much"? Do you feel ashamed and like you're a bad person?
  
• What do you think about someone else eating the way you do? What if a friend ate the way you do? What advice would you give her?

Be kind to yourself, my dear. This isn't something to be ashamed of and you should be so proud of yourself that you are recognizing early that this is not healthy for you and that you are asking for help. That took me 20 years, and you're still in high school! Good for you! Yay you!

 

[melimcn]

Also not Cathe here, but had to chime in.
Morningstar has it exactly right. You need to speak to someone and deal with the emotional/self confidence issues that you're having before you even try anything else.

PLEASE tell someone. PLEASE get help. You're far too young to go through this alone, and it's very clearly not a case of just needing to eat more.
*BTW: 5' and 125 is NOT overweight, no matter what you might think. I'm 5'2" and 135-140 as a constant. Anything less than that weight, and people ask me if I'm sick.

Please speak to someone. If it's not your parents, talk to a counselor at school, or another adult that you trust. But please, do it. Before it's too late.

 

[Janis]

Dear Mercurial,

Morningstar is absolutely correct, you will need to address the emotional issues surrounding your eating disorder before you can make the necessary and permanent changes towards a healthy lifestyle. Asking for help here was a smart decision, and I applaud you for reaching out.

In the interest of getting you on a healthy path immediately I will attempt to answer your questions.

Can you explain to me what a healthy lifestyle looks like?
A healthy lifestyle is:
• Sleeping 7-8 hours a night.
• Drinking water as your primary beverage, drink enough to satisfy thirst, if you are also drinking caffeine, drink an additional glass of water for each cup of coffee or tea you consume.
• Fuel yourself well. You will get more out of your workouts if you eat enough to fuel your workouts, and also provide enough energy to repair your muscles. Eat 5 to 6 meals a day. 3 full meals and two or three snacks. The meals should contain a palm size portion of lean protein, ½ cup complex carbohydrate like brown rice, potatoes, oats, and yams, or a slice or two of whole wheat bread, add 1 cup of an above ground vegetable and a small serving of fruit as a dessert. Emphasize whole, un-processed foods close to their original state.
• Exercise six days a week balancing cardio workouts with weight workouts. Weight training builds muscle, which not only take up less space, they also burn more calories, they make you strong and therefore less prone to injury, plus they look great. Cardio and weight training, along with a nutritious diet, is the fountain of youth. Figuring out this equation at 18 years old puts you on the path to a very healthy, happy, and long life.
• Stretch after workouts, and do yoga at least once a week, perhaps on your rest day.
• Minimize degenerative lifestyle choices such as: recreational drug use, alcohol, starvation, and indulgent eating. Do not use food or other substances as a reward or as a punishment.
• Keep a journal of your thoughts, feelings, dreams, inspirations, goals and achievements.
• Keep a food/emotions journal. Keep track of - how your food choices makes you feel, physically and emotional, but especially your mood and your energy level.
• Keep good company – choose to spend time with happy, positive, generous and kind people.
• Make all your life choices based on what feels right and what will help you achieve your aspirations.


Can you explain to me how to lose weight in a safe and healthy way? I just want to lose 20 pounds, which would still be a healthy weight for me.

The best, smartest, and safest way to lose weight is to create a very small calorie deficit while also remaining active. A small calorie deficit is 15 to 20% of you total daily energy expenditure. Because you are under eating, it would be smart to keep a log or spread sheet of what you are eating. Don’t become obsessive about the log, use it until you learn to feed yourself properly. For a woman your age, size, and activity level you should eat 1500-1700k a day or 300k to 350k per meal and snack.

I want to feed my body, but I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I do. How do I escape starvation mode without gaining weight?

Staggering your calories throughout the week will prevent plateaus and starvation mode. For you, I would recommend 3 days of 1500k, then 1 day of 1700k, then another 3 days of 1500k, followed by 1700k day. Do not, ever, drop below 1200k. Dropping lower will interfere with your hormone production, which will eventually make you feel tired, lethargic, and moody – this leads to making unhealthy food and lifestyle choices. Dropping below 1200k a day will also eventually make your menstrual cycles irregular, make your bones brittle, your hair thin, your skin dull, and it will impair adrenal and thyroid gland function.

Make each meal and each bite of food count. Empty calories from sugar, convenience foods, fried foods, packaged drinks and diet foods will not help you achieve your goals and they will make you feel bloated and irritable; they will lower your energy level. Eating wholesome, nutritious foods will keep you energized, feeling good, and looking forward to doing the things you enjoy and that you are passionate about, whether it be exercise, academics, work-career path, artistic outlet, hobbies, or socializing.

Notice Morningstar’s signature line – this is the truth – you cannot out exercise a bad diet. Strive for balance with both. This should be your paramount goal, not weight loss.

The following books, from your library, will help you:

The Schwarzbein Prinicple, by Dr. Diana Schwarzbein
The Body Fat Solution, by Tom Venuto
Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle, by Tom Venuto. (The best information for achieving your goals intelligently with nutritious food and exercise. ) This is an e-book available here: http://www.burnthefatblog.com/
The Eat Clean Diet, by Tosca Reno

Finally, start a “Mercurial” check in here at Cathenation to keep yourself accountable and to make friends with other ladies interested in a healthy, fit lifestyle. You will find a lot of support, valuable information, and you will receive honest, yet kind, feedback.

Please respond and let us know how you are doing.

 

[Mercurial]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

Morningstar, although I'm not happy that someone else here understands what I am experiencing, at the same time I am happy to know that I am not alone with this. Mixed emotions, I guess... I had no idea someone else on this site might understand. And I'm so happy you finally won your battle. I've been like this for a little over four years, and every single day is too long.

When I was in middle school I dealt with serious emotional-social problems stemming from my appearance (I was, short, a little heavier than most, had braces, glasses, and terrible acne. I felt bad for anyone who had to look my way) and turned to drinking as a way to deal with it. I havent touched alcohol in about a year now, but ever since I stopped drinking regularly (my freshman year), I started attacking my body in other destructive ways.

Today I consider myself a very happy and relatively successful person for my age. I have wonderful friends, I'm involved in extracurriculars, I'm going to university with an entire semester of credits already, and hope to become a psychiatrist when I get older. Most days, I really enjoy getting up in the morning, and I like to be alive... I guess the self-destructive attitude I developed in middle school has silenced itself, but still lingers as I am still very uncomfortable with my body.

You make such a good point about the complications with anorexia and exercise... I started exercising a lot last year. I wanted to be healthy, and I knew that exercise was a good thing. I thought the more I did it, the stronger I'll become, the healthier I'll become... and then someone tells me that I've gone off the deep end? I ask myself how? And this is why I wonder if I've ever known normalcy, or if anything is normal, and why I requested someone to explain what a healthy eating and exercise regimin looks like. I just have no clue.

I've answered your questions, but seeing as this post is going to be long enough, I'm going to answer them in my first check-in post.

xx

melimcn, I am hoping to talk to someone about this when I leave for university in August. I am too scared to talk to anyone right now and right here, and even though my parents know what I'm doing (sort of), I am afraid to ask for help and feel like I'm disappointing them. I also am not sure if I want to stop yet. I hate to post this thread and then say that I may not be ready to change, but it's the truth. I would like to stop, but I dont know if I am ready yet.

The school provides two counseling sessions for free each semester, and they also provide group therapy sessions for eating disorders. I think it costs $10 per session, so I hope I can go maybe once a month. They also have a place where students can talk and work with a dietician to determine a healthy diet and exercise plan. I want to take full advantage of all of these opportunities.

My university also has a medical school on campus, and I know if you see a medical student for an appointment (supervised by a professor of course), it is cheaper than seeing a doctor. I am hoping that I might be able to see a medical student who is specializing in psychiatry either for free or a low cost, but I'm not sure if that's possible yet.

xx

Janis, thank you so much for answering my questions. I am happy to say that when I joined this forum, I made some changes which you mentioned! I drink about 70 ounces of water every day, and I've cut my diet soda habit to only once a week. I'm also re-reading my Skinny Bitch book, which emphasizes organic foods, especially vegetables and fruits. I'm vegetarian, but I want to make the switch to vegan one of these days. (My future roomate is a vegan, so hopefully she'll be able to help me with that! )

A lot of people and diet books say to keep a food log like you suggested, so I'm going to try to do that; I've never done it before. I'm not sure I quite understand the benefits, but maybe I will once I commit to it.

I am scared to jump up to 1500-1700 calories right away. I am shooting for over 1000, but it's starting to freak me out. I've eaten a lot (over 1000 calories) today, and I weighed myself and I weigh a pound more... I feel devastated. It's like all my hard work is slowly being drained away.

Thank you also for providing me with a few books to look into. I'm hoping to head to the library tomorrow anyway, so I will do some Google Research ( ) to see which I might like best and pick one up tomorrow.

Also, I'm going to create a check-in like you suggested, so look for me there.

xx

Thank you all so much for your kind, understanding, and helpful responses --and for reading through my novel-worthy posts. I was afraid to post a little bit because I was afraid people would just say to eat more and move on... and it will never be that simple for me, I dont think. It's hard for me to think that I might be sick... I call myself a "weird eater," because I dont think I fit the bill for someone with an eating disorder. I'm just not thin enough... but I am trying to accept that I have a problem, and I'm hoping that I can maybe take a step in the right direction.

 

[morningstar]

Today I consider myself a very happy and relatively successful person for my age. I have wonderful friends, I'm involved in extracurriculars, I'm going to university with an entire semester of credits already, and hope to become a psychiatrist when I get older. Most days, I really enjoy getting up in the morning, and I like to be alive... I guess the self-destructive attitude I developed in middle school has silenced itself, but still lingers as I am still very uncomfortable with my body.

I've eaten a lot (over 1000 calories) today, and I weighed myself and I weigh a pound more... I feel devastated. It's like all my hard work is slowly being drained away.

It's hard for me to think that I might be sick... I call myself a "weird eater," because I dont think I fit the bill for someone with an eating disorder. I'm just not thin enough... but I am trying to accept that I have a problem, and I'm hoping that I can maybe take a step in the right direction.

I'd like to respond to a few of your points:

It takes 3500 excess calories to gain one pound. As much as you've screwed up your metabolism to the point where it is slowed down to almost a non-existent level, you still can't have gained one pound overnight from eating 1000 calories. There are always factors like water weight to consider.

People of all sizes can and do have eating disorders. During my 20 years of bulimia, I gained over 100 pounds. Eating disorders may in some few cases make you scrawny, but they always make you sick.

A lot of very successful high achieving women with a great job and wonderful friends have eating disorders. Every single damned one of us has stress and fears and concerns and issues, no matter how successful we are. And just because we're good at our jobs and we are good friends, doesn't mean we know how to deal with our inner pain, fears and stress.

It is impossible to live a healthy life and have an eating disorder. That sounds harsh, but it is absolutely true. It will infect every aspect of your life until it becomes your whole life- no shit.

I read your check-in and was really impressed at your ability to articulate your thoughts on this. It is a wonderful first step. I would really suggest you print this out and give it to your parents, a teacher you trust or your doctor. You may also wish to invite people to join your check-in group on the Open Discussion forum. I think you would be surprised just how many people struggle with this. As someone who hid this successfully from EVERYBODY for 20 years, I can tell you just how freeing it is to not be ashamed anymore to tell someone. To say that I had a problem and to ask for help and to just refuse to be alone and shamed. You have been so brave to tell us and I hope you'll be ready soon to tell someone you care about and give them a chance to show how much they care about you.

 

[JoanC]

(((Mercurial)))

Thank you Janus for giving a practically perfect answer for a healthy lifestyle.
Mercurial, I can't give any advice but want to wish you well. I like your idea of slowly adding calories if that makes you more comfortable but remember that it is almost impossible to get enough vit, minerals etc with less than 1200 calories.

 

[Stephanie0523]

Mercurial,
Not Cathe, obviously, but I had to respond... First of all, I just want to say, GOOD GIRL!! You are so brave to ask for help. THAT is the beginning to a healthy lifestyle. And you have come to the right place. The ladies here are so knowledgeable and helpful. Please listen to them.

When I was in my early 20s, I did exactly what you did with extreme calorie restriction and lots of exercise. I am 5'2'' and at the time weighed 125ish pounds and wasn't happy with myself. I became friends with a coworker who had battled eating disorders throughout her teen years and had sought help from a nutritionist to beat her disorders. She taught me that starving myself wasn't the answer. I began to eat THREE meals a day, whereas I had been eating only one small meal a day before. I also began to incorporate more fruit into my diet. (whereas before I didn't eat any) Each day I ate my cereal for breakfast, Lean Cuisine and an apple for lunch and a sensible dinner. I still worked out every day but it got easier because I had ENERGY. And the weight melted off. I got down to 114 pounds very quickly. My "plumbing" began working better and I felt healthier.

Now, after three kids, I weigh 140 and would be thrilled to get back to 125 pounds. I look back now and think, WHY was I so obsessed with my weight back then?? But hindsight is 20/20.

That's where my hindsight can be useful to you.
First things first: Throw out those BMI charts that you're consulting. You are not overweight. As a fellow shorty I can tell you that with complete certainty.
Second: Start eating. I know it's scary. Even now, at age 36, I find it scary to up my calories, but it works. You are killing your metabolism. You are unable to build valuable muscle if you have nothing to fuel it. Write down your meals in a food journal so that you will feel in control. Eating disorders are about control, from what I understand, so point that control in a healthy direction.
Third: Take a rest day. Recently I gave up rest days for Lent, which was a wonderful act of discipline for me, but, guess what? I GAINED weight over those several weeks. Once Lent was over I took a series of rest days, and I lost a couple of pounds. Apparently it IS true that our bodies need time to recover.
Fourth: Make a promise to yourself every day that you will not obsess over your weight. It's a struggle, I know. But it's true that we are our own worst critics. I think of all the time I spent obsessing over my weight and not enjoying those very important and FUN years, and it makes me sad. I still worry about my weight much more than I should. But I don't struggle for perfection any more.

Again, I think you are one brave and smart girl to ask for help. I hope you find the answers you need to start living that healthy lifestyle. Please keep us posted!! ((Hugs))

 

[trixie108]

Wow, lots of great advice on here. One other thing I want to add though. THROW OUT YOUR SCALE!!! I had an eating disorder in college, and weighed myself about 20 times a day. It will drive you nuts to see those daily fluctuations. If you insist on weighing yourself, keep it to once a month, so you can really see if your weight is trending up or down. Good luck!!

 

[dr.mel_PT]

Hi Mercurial,
Wow, you are only in hs?? You are so well-versed and explain yourself extremely well. Just thought I'd point that out.

I developed an eating disorder when I was 15. Actually, your story mirrors mine almost to the grain. I don't even know what triggered it, but I put myself on a restrictive diet and worked out about 2 hrs a day every day. In a month I dropped about 50 pounds; people started complimenting me, I got my 1st boyfriend, so I saw little reason to stop what I was doing. I also convinced myself that since I was still eating and I weighed 140 (I'm 5'9), there was no way I could be classified anorexic; I just told myself I was living a healthy lifestyle and not suffering from an eating disorder. Eventually, my mom suspected something was up, but instead of asking me about what I was going through, she stormed into my room and demanded I get on the scale. She threatened to ground me if I didn't weigh myself in front of her everyday and if I lost any more weight, she was going to send me away to get help. So what happened next was I regained all my weight plus some at a really fast rate which isn't good either. It wasn't until college that I really took a look at myself and thought "Melissa, wth are you doing?!"

I tried the therapist thing, but wasn't completely comfortable talking to a stranger. My best friend was also going through some body issues, so we would talk to each other every week and check in. We also emailed each other constantly for encouragement, support, advice, etc. She was very open and honest with me about everything, and that was a huge help in my recovery. If you can find someone to open up with, that is key. Like Morningstar said, eating disorders are mainly a source of control. I find when I have billions of conflicting feelings all bottled up, it feels like I'm gonna blow my top and I get really overwhelmed but talking to someone truly truly helps relieve a lot of that stress. I understand how hard it is to open up to people about this; my bf of 4 years didn't even know until I told him 2 years ago. Just don't get discouraged!! It took me years before I reached a truce with my body. It takes a lot of work but you will do it!

What also helped me was throwing out all the calorie "rules" and restrictions that I placed on myself. I do still read labels for calories, sugars, fat, etc, but I don't obsess over them and I don't count ANYTHING anymore. That helped relieve a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. Also, I try not to weigh myself more than twice a week; I find that if I don't like what I see on the scale, I might fall back into old habits. I've educated myself to know that some days we retain more water than others and what you eat can impact your weight depending how it's prepared, etc, but all that flies out the window when I see +2 pounds on that scale. I think weighing in is helpful for keeping tabs on your weight but I don't think it should be a daily thing, especially for those of us who are overcoming eating disorders. Kariev ( a forum member) suggested a great book called "Intuitive Eating" and it has really helped. If you have time, you should definitely check it out.

I still struggle with body issues. I almost fell into old patterns when an ex "friend" of mine posted all over FB how she doesn't understand why someone who works out like I do is still "so fat." The 1st thing I wanted to do was stop eating and run 10 miles. But I remembered to stop, think, reflect, and called my friend up who has been there for me all the way. The point is, we can overcome this, we have the power to do it. We don't need to control what's going into our bodies, we need to control how we handle what life throws our way. It's tough but you are a strong woman and you will do it! The 1st step was coming here and I applaud you SO much for that. This is a great group of women who are so helpful and non-judgmental in every sense of the word.

I'm going to check out your check-in thread. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, def feel free to PM me.

 

[Mercurial]

Okay, so I just posted a monster update on the check-in thread (now renamed to "The Cathe Nation's Official Get Healthy / Recovery Thread" ... If I remember correctly ), so I'm going to try to keep this post as short as I can.

First of all, I want to say that I'm so... surprised, in a good way, by how much positive and encouraging and useful feedback I've received in response to this post. It's actually incredibly touching; I didnt think people would reach out and care so much. It's nice to know that even though our lives only intersect on the Internet, that we can still be kind and caring of one another. That makes me so happy.

xx

Morningstar, you are so right. I am too scared and too... apprehensive, I guess... about acknowledging this in my life outside of the Internet (like I said in my first post, I feel safer talking about this behind the anonymous shield that is my computer screen), but admitting it here has really felt liberating. I dont feel like I'm carrying as heavy as a burden, and I know that there are people who I can talk to if I am having a difficult time... it's nice to be able to have that option. I didnt know it was even available.

And you're right about the happiness -- eating disorder equation... I dont think my thoughts came across properly in my response. It's obvious, even to me now, that I've got some issues that need dealing with lest they strike back against my body with a vengeance or find another destructive outlet. I was just trying to say that I know some people with eating disorders can be deeply unhappy, and I'm just saying that even though I have some issues that need to be addressed, I am enjoying my life at least. I'm hoping to talk to someone when I go to university about this. I think being in a new setting with a population large enough so that not everybody knows my name will be helpful in allowing myself to talk to people. Plus, the health center provides counseling included in my tuition.

xx

JoanC, thank you for the well wishes. I know I'm probably not giving my body what it needs yet, and I should probably invest in a multivitamin. For a short period of time I took a multivitamin, a B-complex vitamin, and a calcium tablet, but they're horse pills! I finally stopped taking them because they were so big for me to swallow. I'm trying to make every ounce of food that goes into my mouth as nutritious as possible though. I know I get enough calcium and fiber at least.

xx

Stephanie, a fellow shorty who understands my pain! It takes longer to burn calories because we weigh less, and five pounds can be devastating whereas a taller person can fill it out less noticeably. And because we're smaller, we (apparently) need less calories to function off of. It's hard to be small!

I'm going to take your advice and avoid BMI from now on... In addition to it being prejudiced against short people ( ), I have a lot of muscle which could be throwing it off too, I suppose. I horseback ride, so my legs are very strong, and I have a very strong core as well. My abs are hidden under a layer of chubbery, but I think I can see a four-pack emerging.

I'm also going to see what a rest day can offer me. I think I'll take Fridays off from now on (although I already worked out today) and see what happens. If you could slim down quickly with rest days, then I hope I can too.

xx

Trixie, thank you so much for the well wishes! I weigh myself about five to six times a day right now... (morning, after school, after workout, after dinner, bedtime), so I'm going to put it out of sight after each morning and try to wean myself off of it, like a bottle. I dont know if I could ever go a month, but it's something to shoot for.

Meliffy, you dropped 50 pounds in a month? Do you mean a year...? I can barely manage to sweat off five in a month.

I'm hoping that with my transition to college, I can have a similar experience to yours. After a long hard battle during these teenage years, I've finally learned how to determine good people from bad people and good and bad habits. And I'm praying that new setting will be enough to start off strong as well. I dont have a friend who is going through the same issues as I am (I dont think, at least), so I dont think I get to have that safety net, but hopefully I can make good friends who will steer me in the right direction regardless.

I'm going to check out that book... Intuitive Eating... when I go to the library tomorrow. I have a long list, hah! Another friend of mine wants me to check out a book on Buddhism, and I want to pick up a fiction book too.

xx

I think I am finally all talked out!

 

[Cathe Friedrich]

Hi Mercurial! I'm sorry I am seeing this so late and have not yet responded to you. I'm so happy to see how many people have reached out to you to offer suggestions, advice and personal experience. Thank you to our Cathe Nation for your community support.

It sounds like you have already gotten a lot of feedback plus additional support in the check in forum. How wonderful.

Thank you for feeling comfortable and confident enough to put your trust in me for advice.

Mercurial, if you think you have an eating disorder chances are you quite possibly could and if this is the case you really need to seek out qualified professionals for the very best help you can get. You owe it to yourself because you are worth it. I hope you can see how important you are to us by the response you have received and I know your family loves you more than we will ever know. So my most sincere and honest advice is to look into getting the support and help you need from true qualified professionals, and yes, we will all be happy to continue to support you here too.

May I suggest a wonderful place that has helped many people over the years. We have one here in Philadelphia, PA but there are also other locations that you can look into. Here is their link. Be sure to browse their website for "frequently asked questions" that I think you will like to read. As a matter of fact I will post a few links here:

Main site: http://www.renfrewcenter.com/index.asp

Frequently Asked Questions: http://www.renfrew.org/faq.asp

Locations: http://www.renfrewcenter.com/locations/index.asp

Wishing you continued support and great big hugs. Don’t be frightened, embarrassed, or nervous….be proud that you are recognizing that you are important enough to seek out help and live a higher quality of life. Healthy healing hugs coming your way….

(Cautionary Warning: This post is probably kind of depressing and some people who love being fit and healthy might find it alarming. But I dont know who else to ask than Cathe.)

Hi, Cathe! You have so many questions all the time, and I feel bad taking your time, but I honestly dont know who else to turn to (and am afraid to turn to someone). I'm sorry this post is kind of long, but to make it easier if you are super busy, I'll put my questions at the top, and all the extra information below them.

Can you explain to me what a healthy lifestyle looks like?
Can you explain to me how to lose weight in a safe and healthy way? I just want to lose 20 pounds, which would still be a healthy weight for me.
I want to feed my body, but I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I do. How do I escape starvation mode without gaining weight?

xx

I love your workouts; you actually make working out really enjoyable, and because of you, I have learned to love exercise. I feel so much healthier because of you, and so I want to thank you for being such a positive force in my life, and in millions of other peoples' as well. Now, exercise is the highlight of my day. I idolize you and look forward to seeing more from you for... ever.

But my question... I think I have an eating disorder, and I'm not sure what to do, and I'm embarassed about it, because I'm really short (about 5'0") and weigh 125 pounds, which is almost overweight according to BMI. I know that BMI isnt always reliable, but it is for me; I have a very slight frame. Some girls are supposed to be bigger, but I am certain I'm not one of them, because when I used to weigh 100 pounds, I looked wonderful, healthy, and happy.

I work out a lot, every day. Even though I dont look it because I'm too heavy, I know I'm a lot healthier than most people.
I havent taken a rest day in months, but it doesnt bother me because I dont do weight training that much, so my muscles dont need to recover. And it doesnt bother me either, because like I said, working out, with or without your DVDs, is the highlight of my day. I sincerely enjoy it.

But I dont eat nearly enough... it's always under 1000 calories, but it's closer to 500 calories most of the time. I posted in the Open Discussion a month or so ago asking how to lose weight, because I cant seem to make any progress. I said I ate more than I actually do in that post because I didnt want anyone to know I had a problem. Some very wonderful users told me that I need to eat a lot more, and even with some fibbed information, they scared me so much that I immediately upped my calories to 1200 a day. I even made meal plans and everything, but without realizing it, just a week later I was eating 500ish again. It's normal to me. I have been like this for all of my high school career. (I'm a senior in high school.)

And even though I exercise at least 90 minutes every day (it's usually closer to 2 hours) and dont eat very much, I'm still the same weight I was on April 1st. I wish it was some sick April Fool's joke that I still weigh as much as I do, but the scale doesnt lie... So I think my body is in starvation mode.

In a world where 50% of American adults are overweight or obese, and estimated 8 million people have an eating disorder, I dont want to be "normal" because that doesnt mean I'm healthy. I dont think I've ever had an idea of what healthy actually is.

xx

I'm sorry that this wasnt a very happy question. I dont want to inconvenience you, but I'm not willing to talk to my parents or a teacher or a friend about this yet. Something about the anonymity of the Internet makes me feel so much safer about admitting it. And besides, my parents, teachers, and friends arent specialized in exercise and nutrition; you are. I feel much safer listening to you than to any of them.

Thank you so much for reading and responding... You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

 

[Mercurial]

Thank you, Cathe, for responding.

I have heard about Renfrew before, that it is one of the best places you can get help for an eating disorder. There isnt a location anywhere near me, but I know that Saint Vincent's, one of the best hospitals in my state, provides help with eating disorders. I dont think there's actually a Saint Vincent's or anything like Renfrew where I will be going to university (!) this fall, but I'm hoping that since it is a college campus, they will be able to help students who are in the same boat as I am.

Something that Morningstar said, which I suppose I always knew, in response to my comment that I actually am a very happy person is that eating disorders are signs of a bigger problem and you cannot truly be at peace until you get help... and so even though I dont think I can (nor, quite honestly, do I want) to get help from Renfrew or Saint Vincent's or any other hospital right now, I am hoping that I can get help on my university's campus this fall. Until then, I dont know. I hope the wonderful community here will be enough.

Maybe I'm too stubborn and headstrong... but I hope that I can avoid any sort of inpatient treatment.

Thank you. It means a lot that you, and everyone else, responded to my question. I did not expect to receive this much help, support, and information about this, but it makes me feel a lot more comfortable and determined. I just joined this community in March, but I can already tell what a wonderful place this is.

 

[morningstar]

I hope the wonderful community here will be enough.

My dear, I'm sure you meant your kind words to be complimentary, and they are, but what I'm sure you didn't realize when you said it is that you just made the members of the Cathe Nation - all of us - responsible for saving your life. That's not fair to us. We can offer advice, thoughts and opinions, but that's it. It's up to you to decide that your life is worth saving and that you are willing to make the changes necessary to save it. We can be and are supportive, but that is not enough - you have to do the work. Maybe you can wait until university, maybe not. You may run out of time.

Think I'm being a drama queen? People die of anorexia and bulimia. Right now, you are literally starving yourself to death on 500 calories a day. You said you have a lot of muscle - well, your body is right now cannibalizing your muscles to get the nutrients it needs to be alive. Your metabolism is slowed down to nothing, just so your body can keep you on this planet. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

By the way, this is me being supportive too.

 

[Mercurial]

I did mean for my words to be complimentary, but I didnt mean for them to be taken in the way that anyone is responsible for saving my life, although now that you put it in such a light, I do understand how it could be taken that way. I never meant that I am hoping the support I receive here will suddenly make me alright again... As much as I would like it to be as easy as talking about it, I know that's not likely. I guess what I meant was that until I can swallow a big girl pill and own up to my problem, I know that the model members here will at least inspire me.

I do know that people die from this, which is why I posted in the first place; I'm scared of hurting myself, but I'm even more scared about the domino-like changes that would happen if and when I finally own up to my issues. And, of course, there is always this little voice that is saying, Just a few more pounds, just a few more pounds. That, and I guess I'm probably too stubborn and headstrong and wonder if maybe I need to talk to someone, if maybe I could just help myself and it could all be okay.

I know you're being supportive right now. And I appreciate it... sometimes tough love is for the best. After all, what you say seriously scares me. And I dont want to live like this forever.

On one hand, I'm really proud of myself and glad I posted because I've received a lot of information I wasnt expecting, but on the other hand, I feel like the dominos are already collapsing, like I cant back out, and that scares me too. This is how I deal with my anger and my pain and my phobias; I know that now... but if I change that, how will I deal with everything after?
It just feels like I'm about to jump into a dark and black chasm, and I'm still trying to talk myself into it.

No one's responsible for saving my life but me. When I wrote the initial post, I wasnt even thinking about treatment or talking to someone, and I wasnt thinking about making the Cathe Nation my crutch and support system. The latter I still not, except for my check-in thread, which most users seem to have anyway. My questions were about how to start a healthier lifestyle on my own, so that I can help myself.

 

[morningstar]

Here's what I have to offer, regarding the fear: no one EVER regrets leaving an eating disorder behind. It doesn't fix all the problems, in fact, all the problems that bring you to the eating disorder will still be there. But conquering an eating disorder gives you strength and power and confidence, allowing you to find alternate ways to deal with those problems. And, of course, you no longer have to deal with the eating disorder problem on top of those problems!

 

[rachel132]

My experience.

Mercurial, I’d like to share a little of my experience with you. First, I am 40 years old and have suffered with Anorexia/Bulimia all my life. The worst was from age 15 to 32. When I remarried at age 30, I decided I needed to make my new life with my husband my priority rather than obsessing about food, weight and how much I hated myself. From age 15-32 I had been to therapists on and off, tried various medications and was inpatient 3 times, once for 3 months. IN MY OPINION, the only way you will relieve yourself of the burden of the nagging and draining self-obsession involved with an eating disorder is to realize that you do not have to live with it. You will and can be happier without it. But you do need to get professional help, because its tough to let it go. Of course, the levels of intensity in eating disordered patients varies vastly. But I can tell you that when I was 15, I went to a school teacher and confessed my concerns about “thinking” I had an eating disorder. A year later I was in the hospital. MY OPINION is that eating disordered people need to re-program their thinking and its imperative to find the right therapist to do it. Whether or not you need inpatient treatment would be for your doctor and you to decide together. In-patient did not work for me because 1) I was not ready at the time, and 2) the program did not focus on my particular issues as much as I needed. However, I will say I learned a lifetime of lessons from it and frankly, would love to hit inpatient therapy for a couple of weeks right now just for a break from life. Haha…but, I digress. I will share one example of when I finally realized how my life could change if I would just let it. By some miracle, I found the perfect therapist for me. One of her methods was visualization and affirmations. I had a serious self hatred problem and my mind was non-stop put downs. One of my affirmations (and this may seem silly to you) was “My butt is the perfect size and shape for me.” Sounds silly, right? But this was one of my daily affirmations that I did for weeks and weeks, and one day it worked. Some very thin girl walked by me (as they do) and my instinctive reaction was to tell myself how disgusting I am and how fat I am…BUT, then my mind said, “My butt is the perfect size and shape for me” and instantly something snapped and I didn’t hate myself. It was completely overwhelming. A true epiphany. I didn’t have to hate myself. For me, hating myself was a safety net…. nobody could hurt me more than I hurt myself. And in that brief moment, when I didn’t hate myself and accepted myself, that is when I really understood the sacrifice I would have to make to recover. Keep in mind this is after over 15 years of destructive behavoir. But, I would have to do things that were uncomfortable, frightening and new. I would have to give up my safety net and be vulnerable. I’m sharing this with you with the hope that maybe my sort of quick snapshot of experiences will help you realize an eating disorder only grows, it will get more intense, more time consuming, more overpowering and basically take your life from you. So, see a doctor now. Take it seriously. Take the time to find the right therapist for you. And most of all be completely honest with yourself and your doctor.

Sonja.