I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom, after 36...

wendybdh

wendybdh

Cathlete
I just found out yesterday while on my parent's computer that my dad is posting on singles web sites and has a profile where he says he's single and willing to relocate for the right person, etc.! I knew my mom and him were slowly growing apart but they still go to church together, we go out with them for dinner and they've been married for 36 years.

Now, thinking back he "goes golfing" most every weekend, has been on "golf trips" and is slowly distancing himself from the family. My mom and I are very close and I just have a knot in my stomach that won't go away. My mom is emotional and she would be absolutely crushed. Besides, she's not the most forgiving person in the world so I know the marriage would end if she found out. But I can't live with this secret. Do I tell my dad I know and suggest counseling without telling my mom the real reason why? What do I do?


To top it off my husband has been having health problems (he's 35) and because of that has been battling depression also for the past 7 months. Then, we just bought a home last week so we are busy trying to sell ours. I just can't take it anymore. Please help.
 
I wouldn't tell your mother. What I might do, is tell your father you know, and suggest he come clean with her. It's really not your place to tell her.

My father cheated on my mother too. It happens. People grow apart and if one is not in love with the other, it just won't come back and you can't make it so by wishing it to happen.
 
This kind of secret would kill me. I found out that my BIL may have cheated on my SIL, she just announced she was pregnant at the time. So, instead of telling her (which I still have mixed feelings about), I confronted him. I basically told him to watch it and if he wasn't going to tell her, fine, but be aware that if he tried it again this kind of thing never stays a secret. Of course he denied it, and I hated being in the middle. I don't have any great advice for you, just hugs!

Sally
 
I'm sorry you have this secret inside you.

For the sake of your moms health, (you don't want her to catch a disease), set them both down tell them what you know, and leave so that they can talk about it.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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I would suggest telling your dad that you know (and also having proof so he can't deny it...i.e. printing out his profile) and tell him he has a certain amount of time to come clean or you will tell your mom.

Maybe this will help you decide what to do. Ask yourself this: If you were in the same situation (i.e. your husband was cheating and your mom knew) what would you want her to do? Some people would want to know, others wouldn't and would just hope he stops. Maybe figuring out what you would want will help you decide what to do in this situation. There really is no "correct" answer to this very difficult dilemma. Also, no matter what they tell you, you will never know the full story. Only the two people involved know what really happened/is happening in their marriage.
 
I agree with JanieJoey that your mother deserves to know so that she can protect herself from sexually transmitted diseases, which are becoming epidemic among late middle-aged and and old people. I'm not sure that I would tell the both of them together that you are aware of this - the possible combustible nature of the reaction (including double denial - his and hers) might be more than you deserve.

OP, I so don't envy you. That's a tough dilemma.

A-jock
 
Wow, I am so sorry. My family has dealt with a lot of infidelity -- too much. But, I've sought my own therapy, which is the first advice I give to YOU. Think about it this way: The Affair is the symptom, the "acting out"...there's a lot that has happened for a long time, buried stuff that you might never "get" completely. But, you can learn to manage the heavy emotional part. Take good care of yourself, find a good therapist who can help you sort through this heaviness.

Plus, truth is never "convenient" -- there will always be Life happening to distract you. I'm not sure if my mom was ever going to tell my siblings and me about my father's affair, but it didn't take long for my brother and I to snoop around her bedroom and find info gathered by the P.I. To anyone willing to handle it, the truth works, and it will present itself.

I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be confronting my father or mother (her health is crucial though). Maybe you should talk to a therapist about that (if/how/when/where).

However, please remember to take care of yourself first.

Take care.
 
Take a deep breath. You do not have proof that your father is cheating. You are suspicious. There is a difference. Just because he's posting on single web sites and has a deceptive profile does not mean anything. Seriously. It might mean that he's simply curious about who would answer. Before I would even consider talking to my mom, I would talk to my father and let him know what you found.

And yes, I would approach your father calmly and rationally and tell him what you found and tell him how it appears to you. See what happens.
 
My mom was with a man for 25 years, the first 15 or so he was still married. He was always "hunting, boating, fishing, etc." on the weekends. He also had a buddy w/ a steady mistress(es) and they would do things together as couples.

My in the very near future ex husband had a girlfriend for 2 years before he pulled my head out of the sand and told me about her.
My point is, your mom is responsible for her own marriage and what she chooses to see and what is working for her, imo. You are responsible for dealing w/ your feelings of being disappointed and betrayed, again, my opinion. I don't think my mom's guy's dtr was ever able to forgive her dad. good luck, it's a heart breaker all around. Save some sympathy for the gal who responds to his smooth profile.
 
I'm in the same situation except my parents have been together for almost 48 years - since she was 19 (where the HELL do men get the energy???!!! Doesn't that pecker ever AGE?)

Anyway, it wasn't just my father's infidelity I had to deal with - many, many sordid details of my parents' life and relationship surfaced and threw me for an emotional rollercoaster that drained the life out of me for the first half of this year.

My advice to you is to BUTT OUT. I agree with the poster above:

>>>>>My point is, your mom is responsible for her own marriage and what she chooses to see and what is working for her, imo. You are responsible for dealing w/ your feelings of being disappointed and betrayed, again, my opinion.<<<<

A friend of mine who went through the same thing gave me the SAME advice which I didn't heed and I regret it. No matter what, you are still their DAUGHTER. The advice "What if YOU were in this situation" does NOT apply here.

Trust me. Save yourself the heart-ache and deal with your own feelings. Don't get involved.
 
>Take a deep breath. You do not have proof that your father
>is cheating. You are suspicious. There is a difference.
>Just because he's posting on single web sites and has a
>deceptive profile does not mean anything. Seriously. It
>might mean that he's simply curious about who would answer.
>Before I would even consider talking to my mom, I would talk
>to my father and let him know what you found.
>
>And yes, I would approach your father calmly and rationally
>and tell him what you found and tell him how it appears to
>you. See what happens.


I agree with Cristine. I am sorry you are having to deal with this though and am sending you hugs.
 
I am sorry as well for the pain you are going through. I did just want to caution people about posting about sensitive issues especially those with a picture trail. You never know who is reading the forums. I had a friend find out some sensitive news about a friend of hers b/c she saw it posted on a forum.
 
RE: I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom, afte...

I'm sorry you are going through so much at this time! I don't know what I'd do. But I don't think you can go by "what would you want". You can go by "what would your mom want". How old is your mom? Would a divorce mean an incredible hardship for her? Its one thing when you are younger, but something compeletly different when you are older and facing health problems in the future (or present) and have so much invested in each other.

I had an aunt that finally left my uncle when she was in her sixties. Found out that because of the way he had arranged the finances, she wasn't going to get much (they had a comfortable lifestyle). She went back to him because she decided at that age she did not want to live in a hole of an apartment with a junk car and no health insurance. I probably would rather be homeless! (But of course I might change my mind when I am older!)

Maybe he is not cheating - could be some online sex type of thing...

I feel for you - its a tough thing -
 
Wow, you have a lot going on. Big hugs your way.

Be there for your hubby. My dh has had a tough year too which has been trying for all of us. Hang in there! It will get better.

Tell your Mom now about what you found. I would want to know. Obviously you can't count on your Dad or you wouldn't have this problem.

I really wish you the best. Be strong.
 
Wendy,

I'm very sorry you are going through this. You must be sick over it. My advice...pray for the best way to handle this. I would print out the profiles you found just as evidence if you should need it.

If you decide to confront this I'd do it first with your father and give him the opportunity to explain himself or give him time to tell your mother.

My suggestion is not to go to your mother first. Get more facts.
 
As adult children, we so want to fix or confront issues in our parents relationships. My mother is a controlling and domineering woman who makes my father's life hell but he loves her and defends her actions and loves her until the cows come home. He is a very strong man in his business and virtually every other area of his life but when it comes to her he is oblivious.

I want to help but he will acknowledge my observations alone but he expresses his undying love when confronted.

I would leave it alone.
 
RE: I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom, afte...

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about all the turmoil in your life.

I have not yet read what anybody else has posted, but here is my .02, for what it is worth.

As painful as this is, I would not tell your mother. I daresay she already knows something is not quite right.

If you can't live with the secret, please consider seeing a therapist to vent your feelings and get some neutral insight into your very valid concerns.

Some things are better left unsaid and if you do spill the secret, you may find yourself in the middle of a bad, bad storm.

I think some things are better left unsaid. If you do say something, you may open up a Pandora's Box of huge proportions.

I am posting this to be helpful and hope you do not take offense in my comment.
 
Please ask your Dad. I am sure you feel sick and shocked.
But please talk with your Father, and if he is doing this, ask him what he intends to do about it.
Yes suggest counseling.
I would like for you to go and get advice from your Minister or a Minister.
Please let us know what happens.
Take Care.
 
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