I worked out regularly - most of my life. Almost 2 years ago, something really bad interfered with my ability to do so. A couple of months ago, things got safer and more stable for me. I had assumed that I would be able to get back into it after things settled down, because exercise had always been an important part of my life. I was wrong. I've done a couple of Cathe's beginner workouts (ex. Basic step and her intro/basic strength workouts), but honestly... my lack of strength and endurance frustrated me, and I can't seem to get motivated. I'll try one here and there - not be able to complete it and I give up, then try again in a couple of weeks. I dance regularly (even work up a sweat), so I wasn't expecting to be THIS weak! I'm mid 50s and small framed, so without exercise, I'm weak and I have to admit that I don't have much energy. I KNOW exercise (I was able to return to "clean" eating about 9 months ago) will help. I am planning on making myself get regular with the Basic/beginner workouts - I started today (again!), and I'm going to force myself to do them until I'm strong and healthy enough to actually enjoy them, rather than suffer through them. BUT... what comes next? I've always been a high intermediate to advanced exercise and now I'm below beginner. lol I own LITE, ICE, and the Lift, Move, Restore. I have never done LMR, but today I finally opened it and took a peek-see. I've never done a rotation before, because I have my own "system" that I used for years that worked better for me, and I was excellent at determining my own needs and accomplishing the goals I'd set for myself. Now, however... not so much, so I'm thinking I need to pick 1 (any more would be complicated for me, as I've never done a predesigned rotation before) and stick to it. Which one do you feel (in it's entirety) is the easiest - LITE, ICE, or LMR? I'm not overweight (although none of my weight is where I'd like it to be lol) - so my goal right now is to get strong enough to enjoy working out again. My goals will be more specific (lose my pouch, muscle definition, gain more strength and endurance, etc.) later. Right now... I just don't want to work hard to be able to survive beginner workouts and then jump to something that sets me back mentally. I've done Cathe for decades, so I know how to adapt and modify to my abilities - I'm just really frustrated with myself right now for my lack of abilities, and have been for months and waiting until I'm in the "right mind frame" doesn't seem to be accomplishing anything. lol I've never had to "start over" before, because until this... I'd never stopped. So, what's my next step after Cathe's Basic workouts? The situation that "set me back" left me safer physically and mentally, but not financially... so, spending money on another instructor's videos to "bridge the gap" isn't an option, and while the TV and DVD player work for videos... they are old hand-be-downs (not smart) and will not allow me to "cast", stream, or anything like that, so I need to stick with the Cathe DVDs that I have, which is most everything except for her cycling workouts. The stress of what I went through that interfered with my working out took a toll on my health, so I'm currently only able to do about 10 minutes of Cathe's Basic workouts before needing a break, which I don't understand, because I can dance for 2 hours. I'm hoping a lot of it is my mind (lol), but I won't be moving to the next "level" until I'm able to complete her basic workouts in their entirety, but I'm wanting to have the next "step" in place as a goal to work towards, so your opinions on where to go after Beginner's workouts would be appreciated.
I have a few questions - hoping the answers will help me get back in to working out.
- Thread starter Braille
- Start date
Kellyro77
Cathlete
Hi Braille - I'm sorry you've gone through some difficult times and I'm glad to hear you're feeling like you're in a place where you want to get back into a regular fitness routine.
Have you had a check-up with your doctor at all? I'd suggest that first and foremost. Let them know about the discrepancies between your being able to dance for long periods but cannot do other exercises for more than 10 minutes before you need a break.
Just want to make sure there's not a serious underlying health concern happening.
Considering you don't have an underlying health issue, of Cathe's series, LMR is absolutely the lightest and may be a good place to start. It sounds like you may need a change of pace and following a rotation might be something new and interetsting enough for you. It really depends on what motivates you. Changing things up is good for me. I always feel refreshed when I do something new. Even taking a different route on my commute to/from the office feels liberating sometimes. So if you've never followed rotations, maybe that might feel new, different, interesting, and motivating for you.
I find rotations are helpful for me. If I leave it up to myself to just pick "what I feel like" for the day, more often than not, I'll pick nothing. I'm also someone who enjoys the feeling of achievement of sticking with something for a period of time. Not indefinitely...- but 4-, 8-, 10-, and 12-week chunks of time feel attainable for me, and I always feel good about myself when I reach the end of that time-frame.
If Cathe workouts just aren't doing it for you, there are lots of free workouts you can stream for free on YouTube. Maybe mobility workouts might be a good stepping stone for you, for example. I enjoy Julia Reppel's mobility workouts. She's also got other workouts including strength training.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will have other great suggestions, too.
Have you had a check-up with your doctor at all? I'd suggest that first and foremost. Let them know about the discrepancies between your being able to dance for long periods but cannot do other exercises for more than 10 minutes before you need a break.
Just want to make sure there's not a serious underlying health concern happening.
Considering you don't have an underlying health issue, of Cathe's series, LMR is absolutely the lightest and may be a good place to start. It sounds like you may need a change of pace and following a rotation might be something new and interetsting enough for you. It really depends on what motivates you. Changing things up is good for me. I always feel refreshed when I do something new. Even taking a different route on my commute to/from the office feels liberating sometimes. So if you've never followed rotations, maybe that might feel new, different, interesting, and motivating for you.
I find rotations are helpful for me. If I leave it up to myself to just pick "what I feel like" for the day, more often than not, I'll pick nothing. I'm also someone who enjoys the feeling of achievement of sticking with something for a period of time. Not indefinitely...- but 4-, 8-, 10-, and 12-week chunks of time feel attainable for me, and I always feel good about myself when I reach the end of that time-frame.
If Cathe workouts just aren't doing it for you, there are lots of free workouts you can stream for free on YouTube. Maybe mobility workouts might be a good stepping stone for you, for example. I enjoy Julia Reppel's mobility workouts. She's also got other workouts including strength training.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will have other great suggestions, too.
vivbc
Cathlete
People stick with what they like and avoid what they dislike. LMR is the most gentle series to lead into a new routine. I'd probably start there. Cathe is very personable throughout, which can be very motivating. Watch a few videos and see what you think fits, what level you are enjoying now. If you want to feel challenged, Lite is a step up, and ICE is really intermediate. There are beginner's rotations on the workout manager. So watch a few teasers and see which you connect to at this time. Because the bottom line is whether or not you feel it is working for you.
Debinmi
Cathlete
Okay, these are my ideas. First things first...your lack of energy could be medically related, so I agree with Kellyro77 - schedule an appointment with your primary. Please don't put it off, please. You've been through a lot of major life stressors these past couple of years.
Then shake up your thinking about returning to the way you used to do things. LMR should be part of your rotation to get back into working out, except for the weight workouts - hold off on them until you've been able to do the 3 strength segments from the Basic Step & Body Fusion (also do the sculpting segments from Body Fusion). If you're finding the 20 minute lifting segments too much, then divide them up - do the tubing one day, then the weights another (you'll need to use your remote to skip chapters). Then progress to the strength segments from Low Impact Step and/or the LITE Body Weight & Bands and/or Travel Fit. Lift four or five days a week alternating UB and LB - if you're feeling up to it combine the UB/LB for a TB workout. These segments can be 10-20-40 minutes depending on your energy and motivation.
For cardio, stick to your recreational things like dancing and pickleball for now - that will provide a social outlet and stress reliever. The LMR Fusion workouts and Bonuses will be new and different & might help with your motivation - do something from these as many times a week as you can fit in & be sure to use the Bonuses and Timesavers rather than thinking you have to push yourself through a 40+ minute workout. Think of the Bonuses & Timesavers as separate workouts, not as Add-ons! Read through the online User Guide for LMR for ideas. After you've been consistent for 2 months or so, then add in the weight workouts from LMR (use Timesavers at first) & then consider LITE/ICE.
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nckfitheart2009
Cathlete
I 100% relate to this above. It's a strategy that help me to be on top on things and not feel overwhelmed!
Debinmi
Cathlete
Yes, me too! Years ago I did what I wanted. Sometimes it became a time-waster as I'd stand in front my collection considering various options, and left to my desires I did cardio - loved the endorphins. But it was very unbalanced. So I started developing and using month-long rotations, often using Cathe's with modifications to suit my schedule and collection. Now I love creating my rotations and will make tentative longer-term rotations (I'm out to October this year, with ideas percolating for the rest of the year). It's fun! And my workouts are much more balanced between cardio & weight-lifting and I'm so much better about including much needed regular mobility/flexibility and balance challenges.
nckfitheart2009
Cathlete
Debinmi
Cathlete
Braille, a couple more things ... it can be discouraging re-starting ... so try not to compare your current fitness status with your past status ... that comparison can be off-putting. Remind yourself that a "little bit is better than no bit" so you don't feel bad about the struggle of a 10 or 20 minute workout compared to what you think you "should do" or did in the past. I printed and framed this for my workout space: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." And " It's about progress, not perfection". Be kind to yourself as you re-start your fitness journey - it will help with the mental health aspects. Best regards!
Good post. I totally understand your frustration. I keep track of all of my workouts and jot down what weights I used and my stats to my cardio. So when I am recovering from something or just getting back into exercise, I see where my fitness was and would get discouraged. I had to change my thought process.
STRENGTH: Your body doesn't know if it is picking up a 5 lb dumbbell or a 50 lb dumbbell. It just knows if it is being challenged or not. So, pick up that lighter-than-normal, yet challenging, dumbbell and workout! Also, it is OK to change DB's mid workout (I used to never do this...I did all reps at the same weight, but now I will do 2-3-whatever reps at the higher weight and the remaining reps at the lower reps. I find I grow in strength quicker.)
CARDIO: Your body doesn't know if it is running up a hill full speed ahead or doing a low impact, easy floor routine. It just knows if your heart is being challenged. It is OK to lower that step height, modify to an easier, yet challenging, move, march, take a bit longer of recovery time. I used to do everything as high as impact as possible and did the full moves. I used to get frustrated with cardio and if I couldn't do a move the way I used to (full impact, highest move, fastest, etc), I would ....just stand there....to recover or watch Cathe do it. It never occurred to me to just march, press pause, do jumping jacks, whatever! Now my rule is to MOVE when Cathe moves, don't just stand there. I regain my cardio very very fast by doing this obvious, yet simple task.
MIRROR: Getting a workout mirror really helps me while I am at my strongest and when I am recovering. In my mind, I am going deep into the squats, jumping sky-high, keeping a straight back during push-ups, etc. But when I glance in the mirror, I see my squats are nowhere near 90 degrees (or whatever), I am barely 1" off the ground, my back is concaving, etc. When I see this, I correct my form. When I am recovering or just getting back into exercise, I especially see it and go lighter in weights to get better form (deeper lunges & squats). I find that when I correct my form (even though going lighter), I get my strength gains back a lot quicker. Same for cardio; when I see that I am barely jumping off the ground, I correct myself and jump higher and my cardio gains come back quicker.
FOOD: You touched on this. When I went exclusively CLEAN WHOLE FOODS, everything changed! The body takes a lot of energy to break down processed foods. Eating exclusively clean gave me SO MUCH ENERGY because I wasn't using it to digest! Also made me more "cut" and got rid of any extra fluff I had. Moreso than exercise ever did.
Welcome back to exercising and we all have been where you are, whether it was a short sickness, vacation, school, laziness, or just life getting in the way. I always try to remember every time I stepped away from exercising, I eventually got back in and got my gains back fairly quickly and it seemed suddenly!
STRENGTH: Your body doesn't know if it is picking up a 5 lb dumbbell or a 50 lb dumbbell. It just knows if it is being challenged or not. So, pick up that lighter-than-normal, yet challenging, dumbbell and workout! Also, it is OK to change DB's mid workout (I used to never do this...I did all reps at the same weight, but now I will do 2-3-whatever reps at the higher weight and the remaining reps at the lower reps. I find I grow in strength quicker.)
CARDIO: Your body doesn't know if it is running up a hill full speed ahead or doing a low impact, easy floor routine. It just knows if your heart is being challenged. It is OK to lower that step height, modify to an easier, yet challenging, move, march, take a bit longer of recovery time. I used to do everything as high as impact as possible and did the full moves. I used to get frustrated with cardio and if I couldn't do a move the way I used to (full impact, highest move, fastest, etc), I would ....just stand there....to recover or watch Cathe do it. It never occurred to me to just march, press pause, do jumping jacks, whatever! Now my rule is to MOVE when Cathe moves, don't just stand there. I regain my cardio very very fast by doing this obvious, yet simple task.
MIRROR: Getting a workout mirror really helps me while I am at my strongest and when I am recovering. In my mind, I am going deep into the squats, jumping sky-high, keeping a straight back during push-ups, etc. But when I glance in the mirror, I see my squats are nowhere near 90 degrees (or whatever), I am barely 1" off the ground, my back is concaving, etc. When I see this, I correct my form. When I am recovering or just getting back into exercise, I especially see it and go lighter in weights to get better form (deeper lunges & squats). I find that when I correct my form (even though going lighter), I get my strength gains back a lot quicker. Same for cardio; when I see that I am barely jumping off the ground, I correct myself and jump higher and my cardio gains come back quicker.
FOOD: You touched on this. When I went exclusively CLEAN WHOLE FOODS, everything changed! The body takes a lot of energy to break down processed foods. Eating exclusively clean gave me SO MUCH ENERGY because I wasn't using it to digest! Also made me more "cut" and got rid of any extra fluff I had. Moreso than exercise ever did.
Welcome back to exercising and we all have been where you are, whether it was a short sickness, vacation, school, laziness, or just life getting in the way. I always try to remember every time I stepped away from exercising, I eventually got back in and got my gains back fairly quickly and it seemed suddenly!
Thank you.
A doctor is not an option for me (no insurance), but I already know what's wrong and I'm working on it (anemia from uterine fibroid hemorrhaging). I started bleeding a LOT due to injuries causes by ex. My iron levels dropped down to 11 and I was supposed to go to the hospital, but I couldn't abandon my son and it was safer to hide us both where he couldn't find us. It takes a long time to get iron levels back up - I was back in the "safe zone" last time I was tested (when I had insurance), but I've still got a ways to go. I am guessing the reason it doesn't interfere with my dancing is that each song is only 3 or 4 minutes long? I'm finding I have to take a break about every 5 minutes when doing 10 - 15 minutes of even the lightest workout. I wasn't good at dancing when I started, so it really wasn't much of a workout. lol As I got better at it... my body just seemed to adapt to the intense level of being on the dance floor for hours doing advanced moves - including kicking. It doesn't raise my heart rate. I get feeling week when my heartrate goes up, and squats and things that use to be easy for me are frustrating to me now because a "weak" feeling comes over me when I get that heart rate up. That's why I wanted to know about the workouts, because I noticed the upper and lower body strength are metabolic... I saw your post earlier and decided to try the ab workout - I did half this morning and half this evening. I can't usually fit in 2 workout times a day, but because I can't workout for very long... it worked for me. I'm pretty proud of myself. It's 1/2 total of core conditioning that also did a tad bit of arm work and inner thigh. It's a start and it's the most I've been able to do at one time. I believe if I can get stronger that my heartrate won't rise as suddenly. I'm having to kind of "tiptoe" around the heart rate until I get my iron levels up higher.I'm familiar with LITE and ICE (did them when I used to work out regularly), but LMR was still in it's plastic wrapper until yesterday. lol So, that's the one I really didn't know it's "level". I saw comments on here saying it might be the best for me, so I did the core workout in 2 segments today (couldn't do the whole 1/2 hour in one shot) and am feeling pretty good about it. I'm going to go back to the beginner upper and lower body workouts until I'm stronger, but in the meantime, I'm going to review the LMR DVDs and their premixes to familiarize myself with the program. I feel good about the core workout and was hoping that people would say that LMR would be the next best step, because I'm worried that if I do workouts that I'm familiar with that I'll constantly compare where I am now... with where I used to be on my fitness journey. So, I'm relieved that you feel LMR might be the next best step - I won't be able to compare my new self to my old self, because I've never done LMR before. lol
I have no medical insurance, but I know from previous visits to my doctor that it's anemia (iron). I've been working on getting my iron levels up, since I suffered an injury that caused my fibroids to start hemorrhaging. The bleeding finally stopped, but the iron was being depleted while I was trying to get it back up. I'm in the "safe zone" for iron levels, but still working on getting it in the normal range. I am still dancing, but I'm good enough at it now that it doesn't raise my heartrate so it doesn't seem to cause weakness. I have been struggling as I get better at pickleball - I have had a few dizzy spells and may have to take a break until I get the iron higher, because I have to "hold back" while playing and sometimes I get distracted (it's so fun) and forget and my heartrate goes up and I feel weak.
You are absolutely right about my thinking. I can't help comparing myself to what I used to do, so that's why I was so happy to see that people were suggesting LMR, because I've never done it, so I have no memories to pop into my head causing me to compare myself to.
I have been splitting the tubing from the light weight section on Cathe's, but I'd completely forgotten about Fusion's strength segments - thank you! I also have the 30 minute Total Body Sculpt, which I may try later, but the last time I tried... my heart rate went up and I got weak, so I'll have to split it in 2 until I get my iron levels up higher.
I saw earlier today that you and others had felt LMR would be a good choice, and I am so bored with doing the beginner ones I have and unmotivated by having to break them in half that I decided to try the core/ab workout in LMR. I had to split it, but I DID it (not the extras) and I felt a sense of accomplishment. It's just what I needed to start getting out of my mental rut and have something to look forward to.
You're right in suggesting I leave the strength portion of LMR alone right now - I've taken a peek-see at it, and the UB/LB strength is metabolic, which would not be good for me right now. I haven't checked out the Total Body (I think that was included in the set) yet. Thank you so much for giving me such a detailed (and much appreciated) response. My life is good right now, but I have never had to "start" working out before... so, feeling lost about where to start and facing the reality that I really am starting from scratch (I was in denial lol) kind of bummed me out to the point I wasn't sure I was going to be able to push through my disappointment. I kept putting off starting. Through the years, though, I've seen so much good advice on Cathe's site - so much support... I knew I had to swallow my pride and ask for help. lol I'm glad I did. I wrote down your ideas, because I'm familiar with the workouts you mentioned (except LMR) and know that they will help me make transition when I'm ready. I haven't handled most of my Cathe collection for so long that I can't remember what's what. I do remember Travel Fit has puddle jumpers, which I'm probably going to skip over or modify until I get my iron up. I can't remember a lot about the other band workout, but I don't think it had a cardio component to it - I'll have to review the chapters to verify. I've never cared for leg works (and floor ones are a dread factor for me lol), so now that I'm trying to get back into working out... leg workouts are raising my heart rate (which I'm not used to) and making me weak, so when I transition out of Cathe's beginner workouts, if my iron isn't where it needs to be yet... I may just focus on upper body and do 2 leg exercises a day or stick with the leg portions of the beginner workouts. 3 lunges on each leg or 8 squats drains my body - my legs are strong enough for it, but my energy gets drained fast with those larger movements. Thank you for all of your valuable advice.
I used to be very dedicated, and had a system that I'd designed that acted as a "rotation", but left me TONs of choices - just chose a workout from a category that fit that day's criteria. That freedom to choose made it so my workouts were always enjoyable and fit the time slot I had available and allowed me to select how much equipment I wanted to get out and put away (somedays I wanted to play with ALL of my toys lol - other days, it seemed more like a chore so I'd pick a workout that didn't require that). Now... I don't have those choices, because I'm not fit enough to just grab whatever workout I want from that day's category. I'm also really bored of the beginner workouts, even though I'm not ready for anything more, so I think a rotation might be just what I need to build myself to where I'll start having more choices. It's been suggested that I do LMR in with the beginner strength training, so that would add some variety, which will hopefully help with confidence and motivation - so I'm thinking a rotation with those would be good until I can get to the intermediate level.
Thank you so much for all of your tips. I am eating clean, which I'm quite proud of.
I have energy in the day, but the workouts (even 10 minutes) are draining me due to not having my iron levels up where they should be. Iron takes FOREVER to get back to normal range. I am not able to place my mirrors in ideal positions in my workout room, but I do have them, and I've always used mirrors when possible, because my back posture is horrid and it affects my strength training (even when I was in good shape) if I don't have that visual reminder to bring those ornery shoulders back to their proper position. lol Because I still get weak quickly, I am avoiding any cardio that gets my heart rate up. I dance, which should be cardio? But no matter how hard I dance, it doesn't raise my heart rate up - I think it's because when I started dancing, I wasn't good enough at it to really do it at a level that was substantial exercise (while my iron was at its lowest) - as I made progress with the iron... my dancing improved, so my iron levels were able to sustain the increase in exercise level. When I try something new... that my body isn't used to, though, I get physically drained quickly. Your tips on strength are common sense things that I should in my head, but I need to take them to heart, don't I. lol Thank you for the reminder. I am working to change my thought process and reading everybody's comments is already helping. When I was struggling (mentally even more than physically) to get started and stick with it - even if it's just a little bit... I knew I needed to write a post on Cathe's site. I needed help and support and I wasn't disappointed. I read some of the comments earlier today - I'm just now getting around to replying, because the comments motivated me enough to do LMR's core workout - which took up my spare time, since I had to split it in 2 segments and take breaks during the 1st half, but I DID it, and I feel like my mindset is getting closer to where it needs to be to get back on track. Thank you for your encouragement, advice, and the reminder that I'm not alone.
vivbc
Cathlete
you bring up an important consideration: a new series leaves you free to explore instead of compare. Give it a good look. Cathe is very motivating throughout.
nckfitheart2009
Cathlete
If you need help let me know here or in private. I can map out a rotation for you. If you want or need some mobility, balance and flexibility added let us know.Thank you so much for all of your tips. I am eating clean, which I'm quite proud of.
Debinmi
Cathlete
Gosh Braille, those fibroids can be troublesome. I had some removed in my early 60's - even low impact activities like walking and biking caused them to bleed. I was so glad to have them removed. I hope your insurance situation gets better so you can get some relief. And I'm glad you were able to extract yourself and son from a dangerous situation. There's probably some healing yet to be done. Best wishes.
Thank you - I do still have decent mobility and decent balance and probably above average flexibility (due to dancing), and I have quite the collection of DVD's to maintain and improve that. Thanks to this blog, I've been able to work on my upper body in a way that is not too much for me, and I feel like over time, I'll get where I need to be. I am REALLY struggling with finding lower body workouts though. The bonuses and short add-on's I found are all barre or floor work. I've never been crazy about lower body workouts, but I do prefer the standing squats/lunges type of thing. I was reminded (here) that I might have a couple of Jessica Smith strength DVD's that I should preview. I can't do much - maybe 10 - 12 minutes of lower body right now, because I overheat (fast) and my heart rate rises to fast and breathing gets rough. I'm not even sure that that is a bad thing, but mentally... it reminds me of an anxiety attack, so right now... I need to avoid anaerobic-type reactions. I did really well with the LMR foam rolling lower body workout (5 minutes of foam rolling and 10+ minutes of a combo of standing and floor lower body exercises). It challenged my strength, without overtaxing my body. Do you know of other Cathe lower body workouts that are short or are there others in LMR that might work for me? I'm still trying to familiarize myself with LMR - I was kind of eyeballing the balance disk lower body? I may end up just having to break some of Cathe's lower body workouts up throughout the week, but I was hoping to find things I could do all of for that sense of "completion" - I know myself well enough to know that if it takes a week to do one leg workout... I'm going to be more focused on what I can't do, rather than what I can. Yeah, my brain kind of messes with me. lol I've been arranging my upper body workouts in a way that forces my brain to encourage me, rather than sabotage my efforts - can't seem to figure out how to do that with my lower body workouts - probably, because they weren't my favorite, even when I was in good shape. Any ideas? I am going to try Body Fusion (skipping the cardio) and do just the strength segments, because there is a bit of lower body in there that I THINK I can do (not sure about the lunge/kicks off the step, so may have to reduce those).
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My situation was weird - that's for sure. My abusive husband started cheating (looking for a replacement) with a married woman (who said she'd divorce and marry him after he got my life insurance) when I was hemorrhaging so heavily, because he figured I had cancer. He wouldn't allow me to go to the doctor. I was so weak that when he was out of state... I had to call my dad to ask him to drive me to the doctor's. They ran a ton of tests on me. They were really concerned about the low iron and wanted to hospitalize me, but I refused to go - I had to get out of the house. I'd had low iron before (just not THAT low). My family (who I'd been isolated from) helped get me out of the house another time that he was out of state. In the meantime, an ultrasound type test showed the fibroids. I can't have surgeries, though, because I have had allergic reactions (died on the table) the 2 times they've attempted to put me under. My ex found out (by opening my mail) that I didn't have cancer and decided he wanted to "keep me". He got violent when I refused to come back, so the police told me to get a restraining order, which aggravated him even more, so he drug his feet on the divorce - I ended up giving up my premarital funds, just to get him out of my life, but it didn't work. He started suing me for "contempt" with such charges as he wanted $100 a day because I wasn't cooking for him anymore and eating out was expensive. lol Attorneys were expensive... so, I had to drop the insurance I'd been paying for. The ironic thing was... the bleeding stopped about a week after the first restraining order went through. My doctor thinks stress was aggravating them. Every time my ex would take me to court for weird stuff, the fear and worry and financial stress affected my iron levels (I can't uptake iron when I'm under stress), but the bleeding didn't come back. So, without the bleeding... it's just iron that I struggle with, and he hasn't bothered me since February (because the judge threatened to throw him in jail if he kept misusing the courts), so I'm slowly but surely getting those levels back where they should be. My doctor knew I was losing my insurance, so she showed me how to check my gums to keep an eye on it. My ex had threatened to bankrupt me, because then I wouldn't be able to keep my son (disabled), but my folks helped me with the additional attorney's expenses that occurred after the divorce. I couldn't afford to go anywhere or do anything, but I knew I had to get my son out of the house. I hadn't been allowed to leave the house for the last 6 years of the 21 year marriage, so... I didn't know where to go. lol I found a free 50+ activity center, and they said I could bring my son with me (even though he was only 33 at the time). He loves music, so I took a line-dance lesson. Abuse causes memory issues (usually temporary) and the extremely low iron didn't help, so I made a LOT of mistakes. One time, I ended up facing the wrong direction - with the whole class facing me and I just started laughing - then, to my horror, I broke into tears, because I felt guilty about being happy and feeling silly when I should have been feeling sad for a failed marriage. I hadn't "felt" anything for almost 21 years. I'd shut my emotions off to protect myself. I grabbed my son and we left (I was soooo embarrassed). A woman caught up with us in the parking lot, put her arm around my shoulder (which caused me to flinch), and said, "you've been abused, haven't you? You'll be a survivor before you know it. You took the first step by leaving, didn't you? You took the next one by getting out of the house. Now, be brave and walk back into that building with me." She shared a part of her own story with me in the coffee area - gave me and my son a hug and convinced me to go back to class. After class, woman after woman came up to me and shared some of their stories and told me I was stronger than I knew. I spent 3 months being an unstable emotional wreck, and those women lifted me up and gave me their strength when I didn't have any. After I learned how to process feelings... life got good (no matter how hard my ex tried to destroy me). I was still terrified of men, but I was learning how to do things (life had changed - didn't even know how to prepay for gas & checks weren't allowed anymore lol), I had the support of my family, I'd made some awesome female friends, and the police were keeping us safe. I wasn't doing well around a lot of people, but my friends started taking us to outdoor concerts and grouping me in the middle of them so I didn't have anxiety attacks. Now, I can handle it, because I know a LOT of people in those crowds. I even found a small church for my son and I to attend. They took me to a place where older people dance, and eventually... I got where I could dance with a man - the husbands of my friends taught me to dance. Now, I can even dance with strangers (as long as they aren't too big lol). I realized I was relying on my friends too much, so I set a New Year's goal (back then) to go to 1 new place by myself (with my son) every month. It was hard, but I achieved it. Now my anxiety is mostly gone, and I know how to handle it when I start feeling one coming on. I've even forgiven my ex (in order to free myself) and I don't see the 21 years as wasted - they were a life lesson. My night terrors are a LOT less frequent. I still don't sleep well, but I've come a long way. I'd been told my legs were ugly and that I should hide them, so last year... I also set a goal that I would show my legs. The first two times that I attempted to wear a dress dancing... I ended up changing back into jeans right before leaving the house. lol The third time, I was getting ready to change back to jeans, and I decided to just bring them with me (as a crutch). I danced for an hour and when they turned the lights back on, I got self-conscious and ended up changing in the bathroom during the band's break. lol By summer, though, I was wearing a bathing suit at a pool party - along with all of my girlfriends that taught me that our scars, wrinkles, and varicose veins are beautiful proof that we have lived. Recovery was rough and required my pushing myself - hard sometimes, and if I failed to push myself, there was always a friend that reminded me that life was meant to be lived that would give me a little shove right into that life. It's so odd that learning to love the flaws in my body helped me to accept my emotional scars. My "open wounds" have healed, but some scars are likely there for life, but they are a reminder of my strength and what I've overcome. They hold their own kind of beauty. The last 2 years were focused on physical survival and emotional recovery. Now... I'm working on physical health/fitness. I've been trying off and on during those 2 years, but it kept getting interrupted by my ex's drama. I've had 2 months of peace, and so I'm trying to get started again. I've been on track for a bit over 2 weeks now, so I'm starting to feel hopeful that I can make enough progress that anything that comes up (like having to go into hiding again) will just be a set-back, rather than having completely start over. Long story (lol), but short version is, I'll get there, just have to get through the beginner "growing pains". I want my body to match the strength that I finally feel inside.
Debinmi
Cathlete
Braille, thanks for sharing your story. While I'm so sorry to read of your past pain & suffering, I'm also glad you (and your son) are on the mend. Your courage to remove yourself from the abusive marriage and your ability to forge a new and healthier path is AWE-INSPIRING! And your family and new-found friends show the power of a tribe or community to help in healing and growth. At some point you will no longer call yourself just a survivor but rather a thriver!