I CANNOT believe what DS did (long)

[spyrosmom]

DS is 8. (D does not stand for darling today, either) DH and I put out Santa presents Xmas eve after he went to bed. There were 2 Nintendo DS games, small square packages. DS was the 1st one up on Christmas morning, when we unwrapped presents they weren't there. WTF????? Where did they go? Later in the mornig, we round about questioned DS. "I'm surprised Santa didn't bring any video games" "I thought you asked for a game?" "I know I saw something that looked like a video game when I got up to go to the bathroom" Etc, etc. Nothing, nada, zip zilch. DH and I both completely baffled, it wouldn't be like him to take them and hide them for his own use or open them before we got up.

Fast forward til today, I'm sitting down here on the computer and DH comes down with the games. This is what happened.

Apparently a bit ago (we are fuzzy on the time frame) DS took the Nintendo to school/kindercare. He knows he is not supposed to, but he thought that was just a "suggestion" from us. It got lost/stolen. He claims he thinks it fell out of his backpack. Him and DH were cleaning up the house this morning, and DS runs to the kitchen trash and takes it into his room before taking it out, but DH sees the bright green wrapping paper thru the white garbage bag. He THREW OUT the games before we got up, figuring the small square packages were Nintendo games. Thought if he didn't get the games, we wouldn't find out the Nintendo was missing!!! This all came out while I was downstairs in my own little happy place doing CCPP this morning. DH told DS he needed to tell me when we got back from lunch w/ FIL (already scheduled, or I would've made his little butt stay home). DS still hasn't told me, hubby told me.

Hubby has already told him that the money he got for Xmas will go toward a new Nintendo DS, as well as any future allowance. The DS was also a family thing, it wasn't just his. Santa brought it last year. There will be no Wii playing for at least month. And he will do whatever we ask with no issues. I still haven't heard a peep from DS about it, so now I need to go upstairs and address the issue and am not sure how. DH already explained to him that had we known sooner, we could've said somthing to the Kindercare people, and they may have found it. I seriously hope some other 8 yr old didn't steal it. DS is home all week next week w/ DH, but I will call Kindercare to see if theyfound one. It didn't have a name or anything on it, because it wasn't supposed to leave the house. A week or 2 ago, I was asking DS about the game he wanted for Christmas, and he said he didn't want it anymore. I asked him why, and he said he didn't know, he just didn't. I bet it was lost at that point.

I am more upset that he KNEW he wasn't supposed to take it, and then didn't tell us it was lost, than it actaully being lost. And then to take other people's presents (one of the games was labelled to the family, and one to him) and throw them away, and not say anything to cover his tracks. He's been telling little lies here and there recently, nothing major, and we keep calling him on them, but this is re-freaking-diculous and has to stop.

I need to go talk to him b/c he obviously isn't going to tell me, but I am just so confuzzeled that he did that! We've never had any real issues with him until now. Oy-vey, and he's only 8.

Nan

 

[ImFiddY]

Your situation made me smile, it's something like one of my kids did in their lifetime. You will smile about it too in many years. Kids know they did something wrong and don't want to own up to it and will lie and conceal the evidence. It's normal behavior for his age.

Tell him how dissapointed you are in him. Explain about having morals to live by and how the punishment would not have been as harsh if he would have admitted his mistake.

It's ok, really. It's a learning experience.

 

[PhyllisG]

I agree it is a learning experience. He got scared and followed up by making it even worse. My sons are grown now and sometimes we talk about things they did when they were that age and laugh. My sons still tell me things they did at that age that I knew nothing about until they owned up to it 20 years later!

 

[Jaffas]

I'm not a parent so I can in no way give you any advice. Just wanted to say that the story made me smile too. The logic of throwing away the games to keep you from finding out about the missing Nintendo is just too funny.

 

[spyrosmom]

I was telling DH that in a few years this will be funny. Now it is not, but it will be. I did similar stuff when I was little. It is funny, and the logic is great, too.

Nan

 

[JoanC]

I know with my two sons I always told them that lying was much worse than the little troubles they could get into. The biggest punishment was always going to be for lying. I can't remember them ever lying after their first try at "story telling". Joan

 

[Aquajock]

I was telling DH that in a few years this will be funny. Now it is not, but it will be. I did similar stuff when I was little. It is funny, and the logic is great, too.

Nan

I'm not a parent either, but I can't help but remember what my beloved Judge Judy (the mother of 5) says often: The first thing out of your child's mouth is always a lie when s/he's gotten into trouble.

In the interests of full disclosure, however, it should be noted here that I was a perfect child in every way.

A-Jock

 

[earlyexerciser39]

I am feeling pretty bad for your DS. He sounds like he has been in turmoil for at least a week, if not longer. He should still have a consequence, but I am thinking a month of no Wii is a long time (for both of you!). I am not sure if you are asking for any kind of advice, but I know that I lied about things similar to this as a kid. I learned a good lesson and probably didn't do it again (until the teen years)

I am sure that you are very upset right now, but I am hoping that since you said you never have had any problems with DS until this incident, that you can help him to learn from this and all of you move on (Although he probably won't laugh about it for a very long time!!) As you said, the lying is the issue more than what he actually did. You want to be able to trust him, which he has now broken.

Good luck! As a Mom of 2 (7 and 9yrs), I feel your pain! It is so hard to have the right consequence for their behavior sometimes!
Jenn

 

[morningstar]

He's 8. Fer cryin' out loud, he made a mistake, trying to get out of being in trouble for doing something stupid. Question is, why was he so afraid of your anger that he felt the need to go to such extremes?

 

[spyrosmom]

He's 8. Fer cryin' out loud, he made a mistake, trying to get out of being in trouble for doing something stupid. Question is, why was he so afraid of your anger that he felt the need to go to such extremes?

You know, I don't know. We aren't kid beaters. He doesn't get hit/slapped/punched/beat. I do tend to yell when I get annoyed, but if he's REALLY in trouble its the "I'm disappointed in you" speech or a version there of, which works better than yelling. Yelling just gets tuned out, talking is better. I think he just knew it was a big NO-NO and he was going to get in serious trouble.

And yes, it was a mistake, but it was an expensive mistake. I think he's learned the lesson. He was upset when I talked to him about it, too.

Reminds me of when I was 16, about 2 wks after I got my license, I hit my friend's car, which was parked. I was terrified to go home, even though I knew I wasn't going to get beat up or anything. I went home, and gave my parents my license! They made me clean out my savings account to pay for the side mirror on our car and to repaint the side of my friend's parent's minivan. Lesson learned. What was worse, the dad of the friend who's car I hit was the proverbial wife/kid beating A-hole, and she got in a huge amt of trouble for something she had nothing do with. That made me feel awful.

Nan

 

[Liann]

Question is, why was he so afraid of your anger that he felt the need to go to such extremes?

You don't have to be afraid of your parents anger to go to such extremes. You can also be afraid of letting your parents down or having them be "disappointed" in you. Nothing broke my heart more as a child than one of my parents telling me they were disappointed in me. I would do almost anything to avoid that. And this little scheme of his sounds right up my alley at that age, lol! And heck, my dad didn't have to beat me for me the be terrified of him coming home after I had gotten in trouble for something and knowing there would be a "talk" when he found out. Everything is more extreme when you're a kid. Your parents don't have to be monsters for you to be "afraid".

 

[Miss Lee]

You don't have to be afraid of your parents anger to go to such extremes. You can also be afraid of letting your parents down or having them be "disappointed" in you. Nothing broke my heart more as a child than one of my parents telling me they were disappointed in me. I would do almost anything to avoid that. And this little scheme of his sounds right up my alley at that age, lol! And heck, my dad didn't have to beat me for me the be terrified of him coming home after I had gotten in trouble for something and knowing there would be a "talk" when he found out. Everything is more extreme when you're a kid. Your parents don't have to be monsters for you to be "afraid".

Ditto that!

 

[pixiesis]

I totally agree with Michele and Liann. Kids' logic is odd sometimes, and just knowing that they did something wrong can be enough to lead them to make weird decisions, even if their parents aren't abusive. I think it might be his own feeling of guilt and remorse, more than his fear of his parents, that led him to do that. His actions seem extreme to us because it's a valuable item, but he might have used the same logic for a cheap toy and we wouldn't find it extreme, though from his perspective it's the same.

The part that makes me smile is that he must REALLY believe in Santa Claus if he thought that his parents wouldn't know if he threw away his presents.

 

[LizO66]

I'll tell you, some kids (like my daughter) are totally crushed if they feel they have 'disappointed' their parents. If I ever say to her, "Wow, I'm really diappointed that you chose to do X" it just kills her. While kids are afraid of anger, I think they desperately do not want to disappoint.

I have to agree with Jenn that, while a consequence is needed, a month without the Wii is a long time. With my own kids, I tried to keep a good frame of mind and remind myself that they did something wrong and are probably feeling pretty badly about themselves and, rather than 'punish' I tried to find things that would help teach a lesson while giving them a sense of accomplishment. It could be them washing the car, cleaning up the basement - something out of the ordinary that was helpful to others. Then I would praise the good job they did. I usually did the project with them as this gave us time to talk about the issue. I suffered with terrible self esteem for many years of my life and vowed to do the best I could with my kids. =] I have great kids (all grown up now!) that I am very proud of!

Good luck!

 

[fit44]

Nan, don't be too upset. I think it's a great sign he was afraid. That means mom and dad are teaching him right from wrong. He knew he was doing something he shouldn't.
This is a perfect opportunity to talk to him about trust and how it is earned, and how easily it can be broken. He will learn the consequences for lying is far more painful than telling mom and dad the hard truth from the start.


It is funny he believed Santa brought them. Okay, so you'll laugh about this when he is an adult....hopefully dealing with his own children.

I wanted to say, there were times during my teen years that I didn't go along with my friends for fear my parents would find out. Fear kept me out of trouble on more than one occasion!

 

[Jaffas]

Of course is was afraid to tell you about the Nintendo. Nobody, not even an eight year old, wants to admit they messed up. I'd be much more concerned if it didn't bother him, it's a totally natural response to try to cover up a mistake. I'm sure he's learned a lot from this experience. I remember a similar thing I did when I was a child, I felt so bad about it I never did anything like it again even though my parents never found out. But I have to admit, I've been thinking about it all weekend. This will be a great family story. Here's a kid whose belief in Santa Claus is so strong he actually thought you'd never know the games were missing. It's kind of ironic, after all, Santa Claus is technically a lie and this whole thing is a lesson in telling the truth. I really admire you're quick thinking when you said you saw the games when you got up to use the bathroom!

 

[syzygy314]

I have to say that when we got in trouble as kids (there were 3 of us and I was the middle kid - a whole other story!), we got the lectures. I must agree that back in "my day as a child" that was worse! I think I would have preferred being spanked than being sat down and given a talking to!

Of course, most kids today aren't punished at all. There are no consequences for their actions and that's where the problems begin. I think you did the right thing by punishing him. It never feels good to him or to you, but it's the right thing to do! It's the only way to learn!

As to being afraid of parents - what child doesn't have the fear of the unknown? If you've never been in trouble before, your imagination of what kind of trouble you'll be in is way worse than what actually happens and that's terrifying!