I am abso-freakin-lutely DONE!!!!!!!!

[spyrosmom]

Venting ahead! Warning, danger Will Robinson, danger!!!

A couple few weeks ago I posted about my suicidal murderous BIL. He spent a week or 10 days in a state facility where he talked to the doctors and they decided he wasn't suicidal, just an alcoholic. DH talked to him a couple times while he was there, and while he didn't enjoy it, he seemed to be ok. Fine. He called the other day and left a message for DH about borrowing some Xbox 360 games. Fine. No worries, no problems.

I get home today and there is a message on the answering machine. Said something like "hi, bro, you know who this is. But this message is for Nancy. I got a 3k bill from the hospital and since you're the one who called the cops, you can F'ing pay it"

What the bleep bleep bleepity bleep is that all about?!?!?! Yeah, I called the cops, but because he threatened to kill himself and a couple of family members. Hell yeah, I called the cops. I am soooooooooo irritated right now!!! I'd like to go over there and knock him upside his thick head.

And if he wasn't ignorant about it, I'd help him apply for Medicaid or Financial Assistance at the hospital. He has no income, except unemployment, he'd get it. But yeah, not gonna help.

We've (DH and I and his other bros and SILs) have done all we can to help him. This suicide note business is the dumbest thing he's ever done, but there has been plenty of other acts of stupidity in the past. I am done. I told DH this particular BIL is no longer welcome in my house. And he agrees. He no longer exists to me. I am done. It's time for him to sink or swim on his own. I'm not throwing out another life jacket.

Nan

 

[jcm]

I'm sorry. I was in a sort of similiar situation years ago and it tears you up. But eventually you have to let these people make their own decisions. If you don't already, I'd recommend getting a counselor. Not for you so much as just to help you with this. My only concern is if something bad does happen (i.e. suicide) you may feel horribly guilty - which you shouldn't.

Jen

 

[Joannafit]

my only concern is will take any of his anger towards you and react physically against you or your family? I agree with washing your hands of the entire situation, but your personal safety is of utmost importance

 

[Dela]

This guy needs to be erased from your life. He can't be helped, it's cliche but he has to "want to be helped" and "help himself", he doesn't want either, some people are just too far gone, family or not. It just stinks you have to deal with such an extreme situation.

 

[spyrosmom]

my only concern is will take any of his anger towards you and react physically against you or your family? I agree with washing your hands of the entire situation, but your personal safety is of utmost importance

Yup, he scares me. I was talking to my SIL last night (she called the cops on the note, too, but I was 1st) He has prev threatened her husb - his brother. And the other day she posted a quote on FB and he took it personally and retaliated by cluttering her FB page with all sorts of nasty, yelling stuff. Her and her husb are done with him as well.

Thing is, she post a motivational quote everyday. It wasn't directed at him. They're done with him, too.

It's all kind of sad, really.

Nan

 

[RapidBreath]

What an ass!!! I am so sorry this jerk is in your life at all. Just shun him, thats the best idea I can offer. Let it go and move on with your life, frankly as far as I'm concerned he would just cease to exist. Period.

 

[JT]

Be Safe. Tough love is the only thing that works sometimes. Hope you can block his phone number, if it's still possible, or change your's.

 

[janie1234]

This guy needs to be erased from your life. He can't be helped, it's cliche but he has to "want to be helped" and "help himself", he doesn't want either, some people are just too far gone, family or not. It just stinks you have to deal with such an extreme situation.

Ditto!! Girl he is an adult. Let him take care of his own bills. So if I called the cops on a robber would I be responsible for him having to bail him out. Forgetabout it!! Sounds like he was trying to just piss you off. He should be greatful for you helping out. Don't let it bug you. Brush it off. Hugs to you and kudos for doing what was right.

 

[Jane A]

Nan,
You're such a strong person.

The thing is, though, you're not really done. You still care or you wouldn't be upset. Plus, he's family -- can anyone really ever shut out a family member entirely? That being said, however, I still agree that you should definitely leave him alone and don't waste your time and energy worrying about him. If he ever does ask for help, I'm sure you will help him if you can.

I totally think that you're justified in being fed up with this jerk, but for your own well-being, you should try to change the anger into pity. Furthermore, if he tries to push your buttons, don't get upset -- that's what he wants, and it just encourages him.

Hang in there! ((Hugs))

 

[RunninTeach]

Totally understand your need to cut ties at this time. You did the right thing by calling the police and made numerous attempts in the past to help him...I think he is beyond your reach now and needs professional help. He still sounds very unstable and very angry, and given his recent violent threats, I would be concerned, as other posters mentioned, about your family's safety. Even if you don't want to have direct interaction with him, I think I would still make it my business to find out if he is getting treatment. I also think counseling for you (and other family members if you & they are open to it) is not a bad idea.

((HUGS))

 

[Worknprogress]

Nan,

Unfortunately, I have first hand experience with addiction in my family as my son has been in and out of recovery for a few years right now.

I can tell you from my knowledge and living through it personally that your BIL's actions are textbook addiction. They are masters of manipulation and are very good at making people around them feel guilty for the bad things that happen in their lives. And he will keep raising the bar as to what he will do next. The only choice you have is whether or not you want to be a part of it.

The only thing you need to tell your BIL when he blames you for his recent problems is that "when HE chose his actions - HE chose his consequences." Tell him that over and over AND tell yourself that.

You did nothing wrong. He will finally get the help he so desperately needs when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired.

In the meantime - do not tolerate any of his toxic behavior. Addiction destroys families, not just the addict. You cannot save him, but you can save yourself. It is very, very hard to walk away but trust me on this, you must for the sake of your own sanity.