How to help a friend that might have cancer

[ImFiddY]

I have a friend that has been having very bad back pain right before her periods. She finally went to a doc and they found by ultrasound a large mass. I think she said it's on her ovary. She is going to an Oncologist on Monday.

I learned from another lady - oh and get what this lady said - this other 'friend' told me that my friend had a pap smear done many months ago that came back as bad and she refused to go have it rechecked. She then said it's "her own damn fault for not going back to have it checked out". Can you believe that ? How can anyone be so callous ? I was so shocked that I did not tell her what a nasty thing to say.

So I'm thinking with a bad pap smear and a large mass that my friend might have the big C.

As a friend how can I help her through it if it turns out to be bad ??

 

[RapidBreath]

Well, a lot. Listening, going with her to appointments, doing little things like getting her blanket warm in the dryer, understanding that if she is sick (and its not endometriosis which is easier to deal with.) that she will be scatter brained and not smart like usual. She will feel really crappy and will be really sensitive to the littlest things. and what she will need the most is for people not to be annoyed when she is being 'chemo brain'.

Contact the American Cancer society. They can help you with most things. We went through this with my friend Abe and cousin Amelia. She now works at the American Cancer society. They are a wonderful resource.

 

[mom418]

there was a really good article about this in diane, the curves gym mag. fall'08 issue olivia newton-john on the cover. how to help a friend p.48 it deals w/breast cancer, but of course would apply to any kind.
they are broken into groups gift of:time,talk,food,work,beauty, exercise.
the suggestions that stick out for me- take the kids for awhile,helping with the chores around house that pile up,home made food in the freezer or brought/ordered on days after chemo.,and talking/listening. even if you dont know what to say, let her know you care and are there for her.
i was just thinking this should be guidelines to help whenever theres stress or a new baby.

 

[JT]

A friend of mine just got diagnosed with breast cancer which resulted from Strept V and fybroid tumors. She is also has osteopororsis which the Vitamin D defiency can lead to cancer. Her first surgery starts on Tuesday then the following one is for breast reconstruction.
Fortunately for my friend, she is close to her family whom are willing to take good care of her. She has discussed it with me since cancer has hit my family so hard. My Dad is a aggressive b-cell lyphoma disorder survivor and post-stem cell transplant survivor in his 70s. Because of our crazy schedules, we actually been in the most communication since her diagnosis. My Dad being a retired physician has been helpful to explain to me her prognosis. I plan to visit when I can but not to overwhelm her. I think she is grateful for that.

 

[RunninTeach]

I think the best thing to do right now is not assume the worst. I know it's impossible not to worry, but help her not to panic. An abnormal pap can come from other things, and the cyst may be benign or it may be endometriosis, as another poster mentioned. I would say maybe take her to a funny movie or go to the spa or shopping or some other activity you enjoy together that might keep her mind off things some, but of course, listen if she wants to talk about it. Steer her away from Dr. Google and that other "friend," and take things one step at a time.

Hoping for the best for your friend. Please let us know how it goes on Monday.

 

[NRG Woman]

I was sick for a couple of years so I can talk from the patients perspective. The thing is that when you are first sick people are all there to lend a helping hand...but as it drags on they tend to drift away and back into their own lives. I have never been so lonely as I was bedridden for 2 years. I was too sick to do anything fun, well too sick to lift up my head and few people have the patience to deal with that. DH was working 3 jobs while trying to take care of me and the house and it was just too much for one person to deal with. Most people who are really sick will silently, stoically bear there burden and not tell you how bad it is, so if you can offer they will probably be wildly grateful. Here is what did or would have helped me.

At one point someone took all of our laundry and brought it back washed and folded the next day. It seems so mundane, but it was so special it really stuck in my head. Boy if they could have emptied the dishwasher at the same time it would have been the best day of my month.

Bringing prepared food or groceries for DH would have been wonderful. He was so busy trying to get from day to day he did not take care of himself. For him not to have to either go to the grocery store or worry about spending 5 whole minutes preparing food or cleaning up would have been a godsend. He just stood over the sink and shoved in his face whatever didn't have something growing on it straight from the fridge.

Spending time with me at the hospital was wonderful. I was in the hospital for months and it was really hard on both of us. When you are in the hospital you need someone who is clear-headed who is willing to watch out for you. Even if you are in a great hospital there are cracks that you can fall through. So someone just to sit with you through the long days is great (even 5 minutes is such a wonderful break in your day), someone to take some pressure off of the family is awesome.

Be willing to bring or even watch movies with the sick person is great. Being bedridden for a couple of years I have watched pretty much every series available on all 200 channels. For months I was not well enough to go to a movie rental store or a redbox. Having someone willing to drop off a movie, or better yet, take the 2 hours out of their lives to watch it with me so I wasn't alone was more of a blessing than anyone will ever know.

So I guess my point here is this, it is the little daily things that get to you when you are sick. You are prepared for the losing the big things, like working every day, but ill-prepared to lose your independence in the little things like showering, eating, putting away the dishes and laundry. It is these little indignities that put a fine point on how sick you really are. I think that your friend is so lucky to have someone to care enough to ask how to help.

Good luck to your friend.

Shayne

 

[LadyPakenham]

I'm so sorry about your friend. The only advice I can give is to just be there for her. Just be somebody to talk to. Again, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do.

I will send healing thoughts and prayers to her and you.

 

[banslug]

I can only repeat what others have already said. My BFF from college was diagnosed last summer with Stage IV breast cancer, had chemo for 9 months, double mastectomy in June and her reconstructive surgery in July. I am lucky that she still lives about 20 minutes away so I was able to help her face-to-face. My mom has been battling kidney cancer for almost 4 years now, as well. Here are a few things I do/did for my friend and her dad (who also lives here and really was her ROCK the whole time) as well as my parents:

• I randomly sent her cards in the mail, and included things like a scratch-off lottery ticket, pictures of her and me from our college days, inspiration quotes or sayings that I typed up and worked my scrapbooking magic on...lol, gift cards to her fave stores/restaurants, etc.
• I also randomly arranged for random deliveries of things like pizza and soda, flowers (you have to be sure these are OK for cancer/chemo patients, though), and once I did a singing telegram!
• I cooked/baked for her and her dad.
• I helped typed up some of her class work (she is an Accounting teacher and kept her schedule).
• I drove her to places when she wasn't able to drive but NEEDED to get out of her house.
• I sent her random texts with whatever I thought would help.....funny jokes, inspirational quotes, brain teasers, etc.
• I offered to take her to chemo, but her dad insisted HE take her, so I stayed in touch with her on those days thru the Facebook chat, which we both loved.
• And, most importantly, just treated her like normal. NORMAL. So many times, cancer patients just want to be NORMAL again. They don't want EVERY conversation to be about a diagnosis, treatment, MRIs, CT Scans, side effects, hair loss, etc. When I was having a hard time in MY life, I'd share it with her, and although it paled in comparison to what SHE was dealing with, she was able to offer HER help to me, which SHE LOVED! We discussed BOOKS, ex-boyfriends, college days, the economy, etc.
• The other thing that I made sure to do was do these types of things for her DAD, as well. As her caregiver, he took a brunt of what was happening to his Daughter. As a part caregiver MYSELF, I know how hard it is to be the by-stander, helpless to everything that the patient is going thru. Take care of her DH, parent, BF, whoever is her major caregiver. I do a TON of stuff for my dad, for the same reasons. (does that make sense?)
• JUST BE THERE, and be sincere about whatever you offer.

Good luck to your friend.