How do you know?

S

shamnas

Cathlete
I've read a lot of emails here. I have a great deal of respect for all the posters here.
I need to ask something unrelated.
How do/did you know when you meet the one for you? whether it be your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.
I know it is a broad question but I would appreciate any answers or opinions.
Thanks in advance very much!
 
For me, I just knew. It was a feeling that I had after our first kiss, I don't know how to explain it, but that it was just a feeling. Not like a crush or that excited feeling that you have in the beginning of a relationship, it was more than that. Hard to explain I guess, you just kind of know.

Kathy
 
There were many "this-is-the-one" tiny moments for me that hit critical mass within 48 hours of DH's and my first date; we'd worked at the same company, and eventually on the same production team, for years so we knew OF each other before we started going out.

#1: When he used the "F" word even more creatively than I did;

#2: When he got angry at a deadbeat dad's letter of "explanation" as to why he'd stiffed his own kid on child support;

#3: When he rang my apartment doorbell right at the jot of 6:30 p.m. for our first date;

#4: When I got into his car and it was spotless inside and out, as was he;

#5: When I met his friends, who were total salt of the earth;

#6: When we were thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time (and that was the first of many, many such instances);

#7: I dunno. I was thinking about him long before I asked him out for the first time; he was like this piece of gum on the bottom of my shoe that I couldn't scrape off. He's more of a rock than a rocket, kind of a steady-eddie rather than a set-the-world-on-fire type. And he's the most loving, devoted and ethical man I've ever known. And he's mine.

A-Jock
 
It is hard to explain but for me, I just 'knew', I felt something different. I knew I could be me and "just me" and everything would be ok. I felt comfortable with him from the minute we met. I'm painfully shy at meeting new people and never experienced any of those "awkward silences". We ended up eloping 3 months after we met :)

Colleen
 
I met my husband through overlapping social circles, friends of friends. I met him at a when time I was enjoying my independance and as is so often the case, wasn't interested in meeting someone. Unbeknownst to me he attempted to contact me many times through a summer to no avail. As he would tell it, he thought, well I'll try one more time and sure enough I got the call and we spent a wonderful day at the beach together. In the beginning ours was a slow and steady build, although we didn't know each other growing up our backgrounds were strikingly similar as were our beliefs and moral foundation. Talkative by nature I admittedly found myself wishing for quiet some evenings. He dropped by one night shortly after I had read Gone With the Wind and I was settling in to watch the movie which I had never seen before. He said, "Oh, I really like that movie" and I kind of thought, sheesh, he'll chat through the whole thing and I won't get to see it. Well we sat in silence for 4 hours watching that classic. I don't know if it was the movie, the company the kisses between scenes but I fell in love with him that evening and my heart is still full of only him. The day to day of loving was easy and fun, intimacy was comfortable and effortless. That was a huge indication that this was right. Attentive to me beyond compare with affection and focus I found out what it was like to be the centre of someone's universe. No games, no bull@#%t this was a man that said what he meant and meant what he said. I learned more about love from him than words can express, I learned, if it means more to him than it does to me, why wouldn't I yield because that was the example set by him. I learned to wake in the morning and think what can I do for him because that's what crossed his mind every morning. Ahhhhhh, love........I'm going to read his cards and letters now:)

Take Care
Laurie
 
As a Realist, my answer is that I don't think you "KNOW" immediately. They say infatuation is the first step and I believe that.

I believe that love is something that grows with time. When you feel truly comfortable with the person and learn to respect them for who they are and feel like you are #1 in their book also, these are pretty good clues you're on the right track.

I believe if you feel you are lowering your standards or settling for something less than what you really want....that's a real good clue you need to get out before you're in too deep. I've seen many a relationship go south when women lose the essence of who they are because they settle.

A good relationship should enhance your being...not detract from it:)
 
When he came over to pick me up for a date, he was wearing high top tennis shoes, Levis, and a peach colored golf shirt. He looked good coming AND going. I said "I have to have him!" He was so cute and I wanted to.................well, you know.

Anyway, I got him. We have been together for 13 wonderful years. And he is still just as cute but he doesn't wear high tops anymore (tee hee).

Oh, by the way, the answer is: You really "just know". I can't explain it any better than that.


Love,

Madonna
 
Besides the va va va voom factor, major chemistry, he met the criteria that I didn't even know that I had...

- similar attitudes (as me) towards his spiritual growth, God, etc.
- similar spending/saving habits
- similar desires for kids/family
- similar attitudes towards wanting to improve himself career and other type goals
- similar fitness attitudes.
- came from a nice family (when you marry someone, you marry their family)
- Treated me like a queen (and I don't mean spent a ton of $ on me) and is a GREAT listener and GREAT communicator (when something is wrong, he wants to hash it out). LISTENS TO ME. CARES ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO LISTEN AND NOT TALK ABOUT HIMSELF ALL DAY!

We have been married 9 years and it has been great, and the above checklist has made our marriage very successful.

That has been my experience.

I wish you well!

Jen
 
Well I thought I "just knew"--met this guy at the gym, took karate classes w/him, had this physical connection that I've never had w/anyone in my life EVER.........was head over heels in love........

So, we dated for 5 years, got married & everything went to hell, got divorced 2 years later. Hate to be the pessimist here, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when you know you don't really know.
 
Maxi brings up a good point. Marriage, even under the most reasoned of circumstances, is a leap of faith, and often people can make the wrong decision with the best of intentions.

At the risk of throwing an even more somber note here - and at the risk of being the Domestic Violence Zealot of the Cathe forums - I'd like to reprint here some warning signs of an abusive relationship, or a potentially abusive one. Often there are warning signs that are subtle, and "ignorable" in the advent of a new and welcome relationship; listen to your gut when something doesn't feel right, innocuous or not.

Always question relationships with people who:

1. Use drugs or abuse alcohol. (Do they get drunk?)
2. Have a history of trouble with the law
3. Do not work or go to school
4. Physically abuse children or pets
5. Abuse their family members
6. Get into a lot of fights
7. Put people down or call them names excessively
8. Break or destroy property
9. Are always angry at someone or something
10. Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go
11. Nag you and force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be
12. Cheat on you or have lots of partners
13. Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, hit, restrain)
14. Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways
15. Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others
16. Accuse you of cheating on them
17. Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings
18. Always have to have things done their way
19. Ignore you and give you the silent treatment
20. Lie to you and don’t show up for dates, maybe disappear for days
21. Put down your family or friends
22. “Check out” or make lewd comments about others in your presence
23. Blame all arguments and problems on you
24. Tell you how to dress or act
25. Threaten suicide if you break up with them
26. Experience extreme mood swings: Tell you you’re the greatest then rip you apart
27. Tell you to shut up or call you stupid, dumb, fat, or call you other names
28. Compare you to previous partners
29. Excessively bad-mouth former partners

OTHER CLUES THAT MIGHT INDICATE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

1. You feel afraid to break up with your partner
2. You feel tied down; you feel like you have to check in
3. You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up subjects so he won’t get mad
4. You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough, everything will be just fine
5. You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy
6. You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner
7. You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time

A-Jock
 
Aquajock,

How do you know my ex-husband? LOL

That is a wonderful checklist. I'm so happy you posted it for all of us.

Maximus,

I know where you're coming from. I'll never again be the romantic I once was. A little sad about that but at least I learned...yeah, the hard way

x(
 
It is sad, especially since I think he was the love of my life. I'm pretty sure that doesn't come around twice. ;(

But it did teach me something very important--that you can't base a lifelong relationship on passion. The guy I've been dating for the last year (in fact, the only guy I've dated since the divorce) was one of my best friends for about a year before we got involved in, ahem, other things. So instead of being on this roller coaster of ups & downs it's a really nice, steady thing, no pressure, and I swear in the two years we've been spending time together there's never been a cross word between us, which has been great b/c I didn't even know such a relationship could exist LOL.
 
Candi - my professional experience has been that, ironically, women are far more afraid of a broken heart than a broken nose.

Romanticism doesn't mean you have to check your brain or your sense of self-preservation at the door.

Although this doesn't relate specifically to domestic abuse or violence, I'd like to add in a checklist item: run miles away from someone who's irresponsible with money, both in the earning of it and the spending of it. Financial insecurity is an albatross that can wreck your life in the short and long term, and there are a ton of grinning deadbeats out there.

A-Jock
 
Great checklist. I was excited when we had our first date. Everything seemed to fit pretty well. He was everything that I didn't like, tall, blonde, lean/bony.

Over time we found out that he fit everything on my list that I was looking for. he had a similar list and I fit the bill too. We knew that we were a good partnership.

11 years of marriage later and we are doing better than when we started. It has taken a great deal of work and committment to make this work but it is worth it.

My greatest recommendation would be to spend time together doing different things. You have to see how well you problem solve, improvise, deal with upsets, etc. Be careful not to confuse physical attraction with love. One is biological, the other takes awe, respect and admiration. Those things only come with time.

Just remember that you are buying the whole package and don't imagine for a second that you will be able to "fix" him. What you see is what you get, family included.

I would recommend listening to Dr.Laura for a few months and listen to women and women who rationalized marrying into unhealthy relationships. It will help you hear what the rationalizations can sound like.

Good luck1

danna
 
A great list Aquajock, although most women ignore it when they're "in love". Sigh.

An optimistic note: My first husband was a first class total jerk. He met the criteria of your list with an A+.

My second, current, last & only REAL husband is a wonderful man who loves me dearly when I don't deserve it & always looks to please me in any way he can. We are best friends. Our love & friendship grew over the years, but I did "just know", the first time I saw him.

One of my best friends had the exact same experience...first husband jerk, second husband great. My point being, we are not necessarily doomed to repeat our mistakes over & over.

Eric & I have been married 26 years this January. Life has been good/bad; up/down; happy/sad. Doesn't matter. Each experience we go through makes us even closer.

I thank God for him every day.

Ruth:)

p.s. Another indication...my first husband had very little interest in our son, except to intimidate him & have control over him. When I finally wised up & left him, he left our son out of his life & showed no interest at all. Eric, on the other hand, immediately embraced OUR (from the first day) son, & has never felt in any way other than our son's father. And our son considers Eric to be his father.
 
I, personally, don't believe in the concept of "the one". I think too many of us have bought into the romantic notion of "love" and "soul-mates". In my opinion, that idea of the "perfect" relationship can only lead to disappointment for a large majority of people.

I believe there are lots of potential "ones", which would explain why the question "how do you know if he/she is the one?" is so difficult to answer and why we get vague answers like "you just know". Depending upon where you are in your life -- someone might be "the one" for a specific period of time. At some later date, you both might decide that things have changed and the relationship is just not working. I think that is perfectly normal and actually quite common.

I think everyone here has given some great advice on how to know you have found someone worth your love and attention. In particular, I think the following are SO important:

1. From Colleen: I knew I could be me and "just me" and everything would be OK.
2. From Laurie: Attentive to me beyond compare with affection and focus I found out what it was like to be the centre of someone's universe
3. From Candi: A good relationship should enhance your being...not detract from it.
4. From Jen: similar attitudes (as me) towards his spiritual growth, God, etc
5. From ME: A good relationship includes communication about EVERYTHING -- even the unpleasant stuff. Both people should be encouraged to say what they mean and mean what they say, all the while not fearing that the other will leave if something "difficult" is said.

Just my .01,
Shonie
 
We had been dating about 5 months and one night had a huge fight. My fault, he caught me doing something that he has no tolerance for. I won't say what, but I should not have been doing it anyway.
He then decided we should part ways. That made me sober up real fast! It was that moment I realized that I could not imagine my future without him in it. It felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest. So I got my act teoghter and we got married a year and a half later. That was 14 years and 3 kids ago! And I still think he is the most adorable thing ever! :) Renee
 
Romantic love and passion are all well and good and we all deserve that but it's the slow burning ember that fuels the long run. Good days are easy, it's trudging together through the bad days that tell the tale. I think that one of the true tests of a relationship is the first time one or the other has a wicked bout of the flu:). If he is there holding up your hair and saying 'poor you', he might very well be a keeper.

Take Care
Laurie
 
I remember asking my mom this same question when Jason and I were dating and I remember how frustrated I felt when all she would say is "you just know". I wanted a concrete answer - a checklist that I could go down and cross off. I never understood the "you just know" comment until Jason and I were about 4 years into our relationship(we started dating when I was 16 -and I wouldn't have it any other way:+ ). Then it finally made sense and I "just knew". I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think that you do just "know". Some of us may just not "know" as soon as others.

Here's just a few reasons why I love my husband more than anything:
1. He makes me feel like I am the most intelligent and beautiful woman in the world
2. Since he is home more now he does the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming, the dusting without being asked
3. We have similar values and beliefs
4. He made the difficult decision to give up a good paying job to go back to school and better himself despite all the criticism
5. He still goes to his mother's house every morning to check on her (she is a widow and has Multiple Sclerosis)(no he's not a mama's boy)
6. He cares more about me than he does about himself
7. He lets me be who I am
8. He knows how to make me smile when the world has crapped on me
9. He tells me that he can't wait to be the dad he never had (his dad died when he was two)
10. He'll stop by to see my family even without me along

Also, remember that being with no one isn't always better than being with someone.:(
 
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