How do you handle insensitive remarks???

B

Bonne

Active Member
After reading the thread on the most insensitive remarks we all have received I have to ask, what do you say or how do you handle these remarks? I usually just laugh it off (in the moment), or make some self-depracting remark about how I am still in the process of losing...but these rude comments hurt, especially when the people who make these comments are usually in no place to judge (not that anyone is)...I get so mad because the rude comments do hurt my feelings, yet I say nothing (me, not wanting to be RUDE!!!) but the hurt feelings will haunt me for days...then theres always the fact that you will think up the perfect comment or comeback to the rude remark...but hours after the actual situation...what do you all do in this situation??? I tend to let these rude comments go because I myself don't want to be rude, but I would love to have some comeback to these comments that would put these people (more often than not they are loved ones) in there place or make them feel embarrassed for having made such a comment...am I being petty???

ok, sorry this is so long, but the insensitive remarks post really stirred up some hurt feelings for me
 
RE: George Bernard Shaw said it best:

"Never wrestle with a pig. The pig will have fun, and you'll just get dirty."

IMHO, there is no perfect comeback for a crass, rude remark about one's appearance, body-sized-based or not. Even if we find something pithy, pointed and dead-on accurate that shuts them up for the moment, we've only allowed ourselves to get engaged in a crummy, mean-spirited exchange.

One thing that I'm trying very hard to do (hard for me because I shoot off at the mouth without a second's hesitation) is just to stare at the speaker without saying anything. I did that once to someone and held her gaze for about 30 seconds, not saying a word. You wouldn't believe how she started to wriggle! It's very hard to do.

As far as not letting it get to us, well, that's hard to do too; I find I need 10 positives to overcome one negative. Maybe for every negative comment I receive, I need to give out 10 compliments to others. Maybe that'll work.

Good topic -

Annette
 
That George is brilliant!

The problem is I only ever think of some great comeback long after the comment was made! But that's ok. I often tell my kids to "be the better man"! Don't make the comment and let any negative feelings go ASAP! It takes work but it can be done. Didn't Annette say in the last thread that you give those folks the power over you by your response? Don't let it get you down because ultimately, it's that person who reaps the rewards of toxicity! I want to be a person who is kind and compassionate and I think I'd rather be a kind and compassionate door mat than a nasty quick-tongued meany any day! But in all honesty, I am not a door mat. There's so much anger and pain in the world, I don't want to add to it! And just maybe, that can help to diffuse some of it! Breathe deeply, smile and let it go!

Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
 
My comeback depends on the person who "threw it out!" For instance, when it's my Mom or Dad, I just can't say anything disrespectful back to them, regardless of how much it may have hurt my feelings! They're my parents, so the best thing I can do is every now and then when it gets to be a little too regular with the insults/comments, I'll say something like, "okay old people, lets not forget that it'll be me making all your meals one day, shall it be Alpo or beef stew?" :) Then usually we all laugh it off but they get the message to lay off!
Now, anyone else is ripe for the picking! I am blessed to have a hubby who is a cross between Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, so being married to him all these years has really honed my "snappy comeback" ability! My hubby has one of those quick wits, and I use to be one of those who didn't think of the "snappy comeback" for hours after the moment passed, but living with such a comic/smarta**, it rubbed off. I can usually cut pretty sharp with my comebacks if I chose, but now that I'm getting older, I think I'm going to try the "stare/glare" thing! I think that would be pretty effective without lowering myself to the standards of the moron that made the remark. I use to have a principal that did that, and for a little woman, short and about 100lbs soak and wet, she was quite intimidating with her "glare" and we kids jumped right in line just from a "look!"
Donna
 
You're good, Donna! Use humor to create levity while letting them know you could be offended and have the potential to get even!

There's always the classic, "I'm rubber and you're glue..." It works great if you stick your tongue out after you say it!


I tend to get flustered if someone "picks" on me. I grew up in a sarcatic family but I find I really don't like being funny at someone's expense the way my sister does!

I am thinking you might also pretend to cry and say "You're mean!" or "that is so hurtful!" My kids do that!

Have you heard the joke about Winston Chrurchill, who, told by a woman that he was drunk, replied, "You, madame, are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober." Of course, Winston was no raving beauty, so....

Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Apr-16-02 AT 01:43PM (Est)[/font][p]I believe that it is very important to express your hurt rather than to ignore the comment or give a "come-back" (although it IS VERY satisfying to see them shut up).

To emphasize what Bobbi says her kids do (I encourage my kids to do the same) - I would say "You know, that comment was very hurtful. Did you MEAN to hurt me?"

I said this to my mom (my worst critic, but also my biggest fan) when, in my presence, she said to a friend of mine "How do you stay so skinny even after a baby while my daughter gets so fat?"

My mom apologized profusely. She had no intent to hurt me, but was trying to compliment my friend (at my expense, duh!)

What I'm trying to say is, I didn't say anything mean to my mother, but expressed my hurt feelings. This is much more therapeutic and effective, IMO, than the traditional "grin and bear it" mantra to which we are conditioned as women.

It's taken me many years of practice since I am a woman AND Asian. Asian women are taught very early to be acquiescent and obliging.

Plus, I've found that while people are prepared for a nasty or sarcastic retort (i.e., a good "come-back"), they are ill-prepared for confrontation with a self-reflecting comment such as "Why do you say such hurtful things?" These boors will think twice about saying anything nasty because you are bringing attention to THEIR INTENTIONS, and not YOUR defensive remark.
 
I agree with MadnNatsmom. Usually "What did you mean by that?" will open up communication rather than shutting everything down.

However, I also think you have to learn when to walk away from verbal abuse. When someone is actively trying to tear you down by "stating the truth" as they see it, you don't have to let them!!! I teach my kids that there is always a time when its ok to just say "So?" and WALK AWAY.
 
Handling insensitive comments

It does depend on who’s made the comment - if it’s someone I hardly know, I’m really bitchy and catty right back and/or give that person a really filthy look or just stare them down. If it’s a close friend, I’ll not laugh/respond to the comment and I’ll let them know I did not appreciate the remark. That’s what I said to my so-called friend yesterday who, in the middle of a conversation about something totally unrelated, said that she “didn’t like my hair that way” - I hadn’t even asked her for her opinion about my hairstyle and thought she was incredibly rude and told her so.

With family, especially my parents, I say they upset me by their comment and ask them how they would feel if I said the same to them, although I’ll say this in a very respectful way.

I was a plump teenager and had really bad acne. I’m also from an African background and Nigerians are notoriously blunt and just speak their mind, not caring about the effect of their words. I had so many hurtful comments about my weight and my skin when I was younger, both of which were due to hormones and totally disappeared in my late teens. Suddenly, I was slim with clear skin and people treated me totally differently - so superficial. This has not only made me determined not to judge others by their looks but also not to make such disparaging comments to my own future children. People simply don’t realise how damaging these comments are!

Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
 
RE: Handling insensitive comments

As always these threads get me thinking. Words are so powerful! I know it's better to put positive energy out there and I hope I can always see the beauty that is there! At the very least, I hope never to hurt someone through my insensitivity! I know how powerful a smile can be since I am pretty happy and tend to spread it around. And it seems like nothing is really too big a deal these days. Blessed are the meek and what not! I am pretty laid back and nonconfrontational but not in a way that is detrimental to my good mental health. People are jerks for very many reasons and I figure it really has less to do with me than with THEM so, in the end, why let a stupid word upset me too much?
But I guess it depends on each situation! And I never seem to come up with a zinger til the moment has passed! :)
Bobbi http://www.plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Chick's Rule!
 
RE: Handling insensitive comments

I really think Annette has it right.... basically don't lower yourself to that person's level. Don't give them any power over you by choosing to be insulted or hurt. Honestly, nobody can "make" you feel bad about yourself. Even when someone gives you a mean comment, you are still in charge of how you respond and feel about that comment.

Someone once told me the following quote and thinking of it always helps me in situations like this....
"It's none of my business what someone else thinks of me!"

Jeanne :)
 
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