He's at it again. I hate my life

At the risk if incurring wrath of everyone - you've told us twice your life is unbearable - first time, shame on him....second time......shame on....well, you know the rest......I grew up for awhile in a house like yours until my mom left, and we ended up moving from a big house on the beach to a one bedroom apartment - and life was never better, and that was before child support laws - later, in college - fellow students from abusive homes all resented their MOMs for not having the balls to leave - not fair, but true in my experience.....custody? Children of a tender age almost always go to the mother.Unless you have a record of abuse or neglect, and even if you DO, you can't use custody as an excuse not to leave him - you won't lose the kids.

I can just tell you, coming from an alcoholic home, that every day you stay, you are abusing your children....life as a single mother is not easy - but it is HEAVEN to have peace.....I know, I was a child of a mother who had the guts to leave in the 1970's when there was NO support, and mom had no formal education at that point....and I accuse every woman who stays in a situation that forces children into fear and tears at night......that's my inner kid talking...as an adult, I understand the difficulty in leaving...but speaking for your kids.....every day you stay is destroying the minutes of their lives....I implore you to act.
 
rnyogamom,

You haven't incurred the wrath from me. My initial post may have been harsh, but the only person who can help anonymous, is anonymous herself.

You only have one life to live, and your children only have one childhood.

I lived through a similar situation myself almost 30 years ago. When the a$$hole fired a gun 3 inches from my ear and blew out my eardrum, I left the following day (technically, it was the middle of the night). I had only $300 at my disposal, but thank goodness, no children involved.

It can be done.

I hope anonymous finds the strength to do what she must do. Venting here is not going to change her situation, but perhaps she'll realize there are others who have gone through the same thing and got out and it was the best thing they did. I don't think there will be any stories of how someone stuck it out and their guy magically changed of his own volition. Nor are there going to be stories of how they left a hateful relationship and regret leaving.

This is a situation where she has to take matters into her own hands.
 
I have no advice to give. I have never been in your situation. I'm just sending you hugs and prayers.
 
Another so sorry you are in this situation. Another who has been in it too.

I did everything I could to try to help him stop the drinking and verbal abuse on all of us - I have 3 children. After years and years and then realizing I was one of those women who was being naive about affairs, decided to work on getting my life together to leave. I hadn't worked in well over 10 years and started with a part time job @ $10 an hour.

We moved into a 1 bedroom apt and "camped" out. I didn't have any furtniture so bought 2 queen sized blow up mattresses and all four of us slept in there for well over 6 months. The kids still talk of the experience: they were 9, 11 and 12 at the time. We did what we could and their father was very very nasty and told lies to no end.

A word of warning about tape recording - that one cost me another $20K because I taped him and gave it to my counselor who put it in a report. He filed a civil suit ontop of all the family court stuff and it was another drag.

Can't believe my "baby" girl is now 18 and since no $ is going back and forth he pretty much leaves me alone now. Wow is the freedom nice.

Found a man to love me for me and one who actually likes himself so he doesn't have to belittle me or be abusive. I actually make a little more on an hourly basis than him }( but am salaried so he makes more in the end. It is a joke with us - he tells his boss I make more:7

Even if you cannot get out for some reason right now, please talk to someone who can help you get set up so your kids don't have to go through this anymore. Maybe with some counseling and a plan you can feel OK about making a change so you can actually have a life.

Sending hugs and good vibes your way and hope you actually look forward to getting up in the morning soon.
 
I have no advice to give but just want to give you a big hug and tell you to listen to the advice of these wonderful ladies. Please keep us posted.
 
mtnmom - thank you - I had tears in my eyes as I wrote that post - who would think, all these years later, my dad, now dry and wonderful for over 30 years, remarried to a great woman - that all that hurt could spring up fresh again.

Anonymous - I did feel angry at your post - any more complaining without action is inviting those of us who have suffered from parents in abusive relationships to suspect there's some secondary gain you are getting from this relationship.

Over the years, I've seen women endure countless humiliations to keep a house in a fancy neighborhood while the souls of her children were forever damaged......

God Bless you - and I am not in your shoes...but I well remember being in your childrens shoes - and every day this goes on - you become just as guilty as your husband.....Get out now.
 
mtnmom,

I totally understand your anger! I hear stories like all of those posted here, on a daily basis. I get soooo frustrated with the people in these situations, because there is nothing anyone can do to keep thoses children and Anon safe until Anon and people like her choose to take the appropriate steps.

But realise this Anon has no self esteem, no self confidence, no courage, no self worth, he has totally taken all that away from her. He is controlling and manipulating her. He is no doubt using scare tactics such as "you will never have sole custody of these kids. no-one will believe you" Etc Etc...

He is a bully! Anon is living in a crazy crazy world, she is scared. I bet it took time for your mum to finally get away. And sometimes,sadly, and tragically, ..... well it never happens. Lets support anon, give her encouragement and support. Its true, Anon needs to GET OUT with her children but only she can do it.

Andrea
 
I feel that deep in her soul, Anonymous knows she's none of those things her husband is calling her. But hearing it on a day-to-day basis is hurtful, nonetheless.

I hope that she knows she has my support. When I spoke of my situation nearly 30 years ago, I was speaking of my own ex-husband, not my father. I'm an oldster, you know ;)

But truly, it's time to overcome the hurt and perhaps get angry. Enlist the help of a lawyer, or woman's support group - they're not just for physically battered wives, but those in Anon's situation also.

Her children need a parent to look after their best interests. She should do it for them, if not for herself.

ETA - To quote the original post, "Divorce someone who is hateful, negative, and MEAN? I refuse to have shared custody of my kids."

Why would you want to stay with someone who is hateful, negative, and mean? You share custody of your children now, but they are living in an environment where they see Mom takes it and continues to allow it to happen. Do you stop him from saying hateful things to your children now? If you got away, at least they would have peace half the time. Sounds like no one is getting peace at all in your current situation. Could it really be much worse?
 
mtnmom99, my apologies, (I thought you were referring to your mum).

I really agree with you but sometimes it just takes time.

Speaking to a lawyer is great advice maybe, anon, its time to take some positive action! Your husband will only find out if you tell him. Or if he reads your emails so tread carefully.

Andrea
 
Okay, I want you to listen and listen to me good. I'VE BEEN THERE!!!!! I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 16 years!!!! He was always mean, nasty, etc. I hated being at home...always wanted to escape. We have two boys. I did not want a divorce because I didn't want to do THAT to my kids. I was headed for a nervous breakdown. FINALLY, in 1995, on New Year's Day (I was 38 years old and knew I could not continue such a life of misery) I finally admitted to MYSELF and everyone that I needed to leave this man. It was a horrible experience for myself and my children, but I DID IT!!!! I moved out, allowed my children to see him on weekends, and went through a lot of hell that goes with getting a divorce....particularly when the ex is a nasty, you know what!!!
Well, it's now 2008. I met the love of my life 7 years ago, I have NEVER been happier and my children are doing just fine. They are grown men now, 21 and 24. They understand that I could not continue living with such a mean, negative, abusive human being. My new husband is my very best friend, lover, etc. You can do something.....you are not doing your children any favors by staying with this type of person.....TRUST ME!
Paula
 
Okay, I want you to listen and listen to me good. I'VE BEEN THERE!!!!! I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 16 years!!!! He was always mean, nasty, etc. I hated being at home...always wanted to escape. We have two boys. I did not want a divorce because I didn't want to do THAT to my kids. I was headed for a nervous breakdown. FINALLY, in 1995, on New Year's Day (I was 38 years old and knew I could not continue such a life of misery) I finally admitted to MYSELF and everyone that I needed to leave this man. It was a horrible experience for myself and my children, but I DID IT!!!! I moved out, allowed my children to see him on weekends, and went through a lot of hell that goes with getting a divorce....particularly when the ex is a nasty, you know what!!!
Well, it's now 2008. I met the love of my life 7 years ago, I have NEVER been happier and my children are doing just fine. They are grown men now, 21 and 24. They understand that I could not continue living with such a mean, negative, abusive human being. My new husband is my very best friend, lover, etc. You can do something.....you are not doing your children any favors by staying with this type of person.....TRUST ME!
Paula
 
God bless you Honey you need to put on your big girl pants and get the hell out. You ask 4 questions beginning with 'Why', there are no satisfactory answers to those questions....I've lost love through suicide, divorce and cancer and the only answer to the question 'why' that makes any sense to me is 'Y is crooked'. Stop asking 'why' and get proactive, don't choose to be a victim. Perhaps why he continues to be 'hateful, negative, MEAN, jealous, throw tantrums' is because, and I say this with all due respect, you continue to stay and put up with his sh!t. Get out for the sake of your innocent children and for the sake of your sanity. Life is a big, beautiful and sometimes horribly messy series of vignettes but the truth is that we choose our 'adventure' and when we choose the right thing for the right reasons, given time, things ALWAYS get better. This version of your life with him can end if you choose to go. He will always be a part of it because of the children but you have to accept that that's a fact. If you think you are 'stressed' and 'suffering' multiply that exponentially and that's what your children are living. You choose to 'refuse to share custody' well then you choose to sacrifice those kids as lambs to the slaughter out of obstenance and spite. If you truly live in that hellish environment then they are being robbed of the glory of the innocence, naivete and carefree time that childhood can offer them. Perhaps it's not okay to 'vent' in this manner. I feel horrible knowing that those kids are waking up to yet another day of confusion, fear, stress and God knows what else at the hands of parents who choose to hold them hostage to their marital strife. God bless them, they didn't ask to be here. I will keep your kids in my thoughts and prayers. The real 'why' question is WHY do you choose to stay? Is it simply because it's the path of least resistance and leaving is hard? Of course it's hard but if what you describe is true then leaving is absolutely right!!

Take Care
Laurie
 
there is so much i could say and i think you have gotten some wonderful, thoughtful, and honest advice from everyone. a lot of people have been in your situation. i was. it helped me to know how many "normal" and "strong" women had gone through the same thing. luckily, there were no children involved and i know you think that makesit more complicated. but, like others have said, this situation is very damaging to the kids. i couldl go into all the research and personal stories from kids i have worked with, but i won't. just know that it will have a lasting effect and i don't think you want that.

that said, through my years of helping people as a psychologist, there is one thing i have realized over and over:

PEOPLE WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL THE PAIN OF WHERE THEY ARE IS GREATER THAN THE FEAR OF WHERE THAT ARE GOING

you have to want to get out and not use fear as an excuse or a reason for not doing something. when we look at our lives, most of our reactions or inactions are based in fear. choose to live life without fear and definitely don't let it motivate you.
 
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