Here's A Little Something For Cat Lovers :)

Miss Lee

Miss Lee

Cathlete
I don't remember where I came across this little gem, but it's all true :)

Rules For Cats To Live By

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, any quality carpeting is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she doesn't move around too much.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
 
The cats I have been fortunate enough to be owned by followed these rules very closely!!! Although my one cat took the hiding thing a bit too seriously and would hide inside a chair (underneath and literally inside it) for days when she wanted to worry me.

Thanks for the chuckle.
 
For one who has 3 cats....I can honestly say that both DH and I have witnessed these rules in action on many occasions!!!
 
Thank you for a good laugh. One of my 3 cats sat on my lap while I was reading this and agreed with everything you wrote.
 
Ain't this the truth??? My 3 cats are very good at following these rules. Especially the parts about throwing up on carpeting, and getting behind my feet while I'm cooking. I'm sure it's all part of their evil mind-control games and plot to take over the world. Living with 3 cats - it's no wonder my energy fields are messed up! :p
 
So cute! I have 4 cats and they have "the rules" memorized. My oldest must be in the bathroom with us. We even sing-song "Potty all the time, potty all the time" when we are about to go, otherwise she will follow the other rule of pawing at the door and standing 1/2 way in.
 
This is so funny and true! I am sharing it with my cat loving friends.


[font color=red][font size=+2]Judy "Likes2bfit"[/font]
 
That was great, especially the vomit part. My outdoor cat comes inside just to vomit & then he leaves. The other 2 always vomit where I will be sure to step in it

Karen:p
 
<<ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.>>

A very accurate list! My kitty Chance also does the "butt presentation" to our dog...though he doesn't seem to mind it much.
 
Here's one back at you...my cats all suffer from one or more of the following : Incurable Cat Illnesses

Collapsible Legs:
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek -marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such manoeuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There is side effect though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which required prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

Snudging:
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging". Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between ten minutes and one hour after the onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks reoccur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book, newspaper, or telephone call.

Bed-Hogging
Symptoms: The cat spreads to its full breadth and length and takes up all available free bed space at night when its human is trying to sleep. It then expands a bit more until any human occupant occupies the smallest possible area of the bed. It may do this on top of or underneath the duvet and blankets or on the pillow. It is highly contagious and will affect any other cat on the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been know to last up to 23 hours and in one case 3 days when the human was in bed with the flu.
Treatment: Try not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen and king sized beds. The only alternative is to train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed.

Non-Specific Insect Infestation & Non-Specific Spider Infestation
Symptoms: This disorder is more prevalent among cats that go outdoors and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on the cat, spider webs spun between ears & whiskers).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of the fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or sever symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since mobile cats appears to attract fewer greenfly.

Irritable Lap Syndrome
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazine, needlework, computer keyboards, telephones, etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

Lap Fungus Disorder
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all directions. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms and only prolonged attention will cure an attack. Although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically throughout the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

Smurgling
Symptoms: Symptoms are varied and range from sucking at clothing, human's earlobes/nose/fingers/ skin, and drooling with a glazed expression, often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Smurgling is incurable but it is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

Greeblingz
Symptoms: Random dashes up to and including helter-skelter running through the house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from Greeblingz typically have wild-eyes expressions. There is a minor danger of Greeblingz attaching themselves to humans, if a cat attacks such a Greeblingz, injury to the human may result.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in Greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as Greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enable them to see them.



:7
 
LOL!! I nearly choked on my lunch reading this - I was laughing so much! My cat follows each and every one of these rules to the letter! :7

xx
 
Reese, thanks so much for this insight into my cat. I'm especially grateful for the heads up about Greeblingz -- I always wondered wht in the world my Johnny was doing! Lol!!:7
 
Michele, that's cute! I love the one when the cat gets in between the book and the person's face... my darling cat used to do that all the time!
 
YOu are MOST welcome - I stumbled onto this when I was researching actual cat ailments and thought it was soo funny. I can't read it to anyone without laughing hysterically. :7
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top