HELP ME...PLEASE

C

candori

Cathlete
Alright fellow mommies...I'm at the end of my rope. My sweet baby boy Nathan is 5 months old and still up SEVERAL times a night. I know he's not hungry, wet or sick...he's just awake and vying for some attention and assistance in getting back to sleep. Unfortunately, he was a pretty colicky baby and we are guilty of giving him a bottle, rocking him to sleep and picking him up over and over throughout the night to comfort him. Now, it seems, we've created a little sleep depriving monster.

I admit that I'm even guilty of bringing him into our bed in the wee hours so that we can all get some MUCH NEEDED rest. I know, I know, another bad move. Now, with every peep, he expects mommy to rush to his side, rescue him and coax him back to sleep. Well, after months of not sleeping, I am desperate for him to stay asleep in his crib for at least a majority of the night. I've read every single article on the subject...from Ferber to Sears...and just decided last night to stop picking him up and simply let him cry it out in small increments. After our consistent and regular nightly routine, I finally put him in his crib awake…(but very tired)...which is totally new for him. He began to roll around, flail his arms and whine. The whining turned into crying...the crying into wailing and then he was in a lather. I stroked his head and spoke calmingly to him and left the room. I went to him after a few minutes to let him know that I was still there for him. He calmed down for a moment...only to freak out even harder when I walked out.

This happened over and over and over throughout the night...sometimes every 1/2 hour. I know I just need to stick to my guns, but last night was absolutely horrible and I simply don't know how I'm going to stick it out. I was practically asleep draped over his crib saying..."shhhhhhh baby"...patting him softly while he wailed and flailed away desperate for me to pick him up.

Someone...anyone...please tell me that this will work and he'll sleep through the night soon. Any insight on this type of experience would be GREATLY appreciated. My husband and I feel like zombies.
 
Hi Candori,

I am a mom of 5 (all way beyond the crib now) but I remember the same anxieties. My husband used to throw his arm over me to keep me in bed when I was tempted to go get the baby.

My guess is that very soon (perhaps 3 or 4 nights) your baby will get the picture. Each nite the crying should diminish significantly. Part of his frustration is that he is tired and needs sleep too. Convince yourself it is for everyone so you stick with it. Also, keep him awake as much as possible during the day. Pester him just like he does to you at nite ;-). He will eventually be OK...sooner rather than later.

They do grow up, by the way, and this will seem like a minor blip later on...I'll be thinking of you...

Joanna
 
Okay, here I am showing the world what a mean mommy I am. When my oldest was whatever age (older than yours but not by much I don't think) she decided during one of her naps she did not want to be in the crib. She cried I went to her and basically what you just described happened for days. I tried everything to get her to stop crying and go to sleep, that was me being the good mommy. One fine afternoon, I lost it and did my Cathe tape right thru her crying and it went on for more than an hour. No kidding! I knew there was nothing wrong with her and because I had gone that one time when she did not want to sleep and then kept going back, I basically created a non-sleeping monster. She seemed to figure it all out very fast, baby cry, mommy comes running. Well, after that torturous afternoon, never had that problem again.
My second daughter, at a younger age, tried the same thing and I never went to her from the beginning, I knew she was totally fine, just did not want to be in her crib and the crying ended ALOT quicker with her and we've never had another sleeping problem since (unless of course they are sick).If they would have even slept for an hour I would have gone to check on them, but since they flat our refused to sleep and just wanted out of their crib, I was mean and let them cry it out.

Funny how I remember that and my oldest is now 8. I even remember the Cathe tape I was doing.



Anyway, food for thought. Lots would scold me for being so harsh, but it worked, and I KNEW there was nothing wrong with them. Good luck with whatever you try.
 
Well, I must be a real meanie too, because I am definitely in the camp that believes it doesn't hurt a baby to cry sometimes (my husband and I used to have fights about this when Lauren was an infant, until I started making him get up with her every time she cried out -- he came around to my way of thinking fairly quickly). If the baby's been fed, burped, changed, has on clothing appropriate to the weather, i.e., if all his basic needs have been attended to, then I personally don't think it makes you a bad mother to put him in the crib when it's time for a nap and walk away. I have a dear friend with an 18-month old who still cannot sleep through the night because she's never learned how to comfort herself back to sleep when she awakens (for that matter, she can't comfort herself after she falls and bumps her head or after any other of life's little knocks -- this kid is in for a hard time later on). If you think you are a zombie now, imagine another whole year of this . . .

Nope, I think you really have to bite the bullet, put him in his crib, and WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. I think standing there over him patting his back only must make him more frustrated. He has to learn to find a way to get himself to sleep without your help. Now might be the time to introduce some sort of "lovey" for him to cuddle -- lots of babies love those little blankies with silk edging -- or maybe an old T-shirt of yours that smells like you. I would do everything possible to resist the urge to go back in and check on him -- that only fuels the fire in my opinion (another lesson I made my husband learn the hard way!), plus you run the risk that your resolve will crumble and you'll go ahead and pick him up, which will only teach him that if he cries long enough, you'll relent.

I know that this sounds terribly harsh -- I promise I am the world's most loving and devoted mother! But I think of it this way -- how good of a mom can you be if you are utterly exhausted all the time? And for that matter, how happy will your little one be if he's not getting adequate rest throughout the night? I agree that it only takes a few days, maybe a week at most, to see a change. If not, I might talk to my pediatrican just to rule out a medical condition like reflux, which would make the baby uncomfortable while he's lying down.

BEst of luck -- please let us know how you are doing. I'll keep a good thought for you and your family.

Hazel
 
A friend of mine got both of her kids to sleep through the night at 3 or 4 mos. by letting them cry it out. She & her husband would choose a 3-day weekend, get some earplugs, and would just stick it out. They did go in and check on them every so often, and they'd put their hands on the babies and speak to them like you did, and after 2-3 days, they swore that their babies had learned to put themselves to sleep.

Sounds awful, but if it works for the long-term, it might be worth it!
Susan
 
We went through this with our middle child. I made the same mistake - rocking her to sleep when she woke up every 15 to 20 minutes all night long. Her older sister was 2 at the time and we didn't want her getting woken up with crying (she had been a model sleeper from the very beginning).

I let it go on way too long. At work I literally walked into walls I was so tired. Finally the only thing to do was let her cry (which broke my heart at the time).

I agree with the others also - if you go in and try to calm them down, they only get worked up all over again when they realize you're not going to pick them up.

Good luck! Soon you'll all be sleeping peacefully through the night.

Sandi
 
We are some months away from having our baby but many people I have asked about the whole sleep issue have suggested what everyone else has already said in their replies - babies need to be taught how to sleep otherwise they grow up to be difficult sleepers. I have chronic sleep problems and was the first child in the family - my parents catered to my every whim! My brother and sister, on the other hand, sleep like logs because by the time mum and dad had them, they had learnt their lesson! I am convinced this is no coincidence and would not want to inflict insomnia on any child! As harsh as it seems, I honestly feel it is best for the baby to get used to sleeping on its own as soon as possible, once you are sure there’s nothing genuinely wrong. Easier said than done, I know.

I know you are sleep deprived and probably not up to reading at all right now! But there are a couple of highly recommended books on the topic - one called “The contented little baby book” by Gina Ford and of course “Babywise” - can’t remember the authors. I honestly think you can rest assured that the situation will improve sooner than you think and your child will thank you for it when he’s old enough to realise! Sleep-deprived children are just as miserable as sleep-deprived adults, if not more so. Rest assured also that your child will not think you don’t love him simply because you’re not at his beck and call - both my younger siblings adore my parents, even though they were allowed to cry as babies!

I am thinking of you but confident that this will resolve itself very soon, with persistence (and ear plugs!)


Your friend in fitness, Fitnik
 
I think my Jeff learned to sleep through the night by mistake! I have (had) a hearing difficulty which worsens with pregnancy and nursing. I would have him in the same room with me and still use a monitor so I could hear him! Well, at night, I rarely heard him cry and he was adjacent to my room. I did turn down the monitor a bit a night and I must have done it just enough that once I was asleep, I couldn't hear it!

Anyway, he slept "through the night" at seven weeks (5 hours at a time) until he weaned himself at 9 months. Ever since, I have a terrific sleeper. 8 pm to 7 am with no problems (unless sick.)

I guess my situation is different but he no doubt had to cry it out. My husband worked nights (still does) and the few nights he was home in the beginning would say to me "is it OK to let Jeff cry like that?" And I would say, "like what?"

So, thank goodness, I didn't go through the mental cruelty we put upon ourselves as Moms when we let them try to sleep on their own. I didn't even know.

You little one will be just fine. :)
 
Angela =- My Sons' Stories

Hi Angela!

I can't tell you what a chord of memory your poor post struck with me. I have two sons, ages 12 1/2 and 15 1/2 (holy cow), and we had terrible sleeping problems with both.

But I'm going to weigh in with an opinion different from the other posters. I just don't think Ferberizing is the right thing for every child. It may well be the thing that works with Nathan in the long run, but maybe not. You'll know what's best for Nathan and your family by listening to him and to your instinct, and there are NO wrong answers, IMHO. Let me tell you our story.

Son number one (Alex) was, and is, ferociously independent. He was a colicky baby and took 12 weeks to make it longer than 3 hours between wake-ups and feedings (and much crying). In his toddlerhood he began sleeping really soundly, but would wake up at odd hours and leave his room. Sometimes he'd come to our room, but more often he'd go into the playroom or even down the hallway to the bathroom for water. (Like I said, an independent little fellow.) Sometimes we'd find out he'd been up during the night ONLY because he TOLD us. Sometimes I'd find him curled up asleep in his jammies on the playroom floor. And our staircase is RIGHT outside the door of his room. Dangerous, huh? We tried a gate on his doorway, but he would climb over it. Our pediatrician finally advised us to close his bedroom door (which we'd never done) for his safety, and to Ferber-train him to get back into his little bed after a wake-up spell and go back to sleep. To accomplish this, of course, we had to go through that awful exercise of coming to him, explaining that we had to close the door and would be right down the hall, close the door, listen to him howl for five minutes, go back in, repeat, listen to him for ten minutes, etc. Those first few nights were horrible. He cried and I cried. But I stuck to my guns because I was terrified he would fall down the staircase in the middle of the night. And after about four nights he was fine, and has never looked back. By the time Alex was four, he could (and did) sleep through a hurricane. I don't think he's crawled into bed with Mommy and Daddy since he was about three or four, either. He is a mellow guy who likes himself and the world, loves his room and his space, and there's not a doubt in my mind that Ferberizing him did him no harm.

So along comes Evan, son number two. Similar issues arose -- fussy baby, plus he was (and is) a lighter sleeper and would just wake up and yell for company. Then when older he began getting out of his toddler bed and coming into our room to wake us up OR to get in bed with us (his preference). Unlike his brother, he did not want to be alone and awake in the middle of the night. So we'd have these tugs of war where we'd walk him back to his room, and in ten minutes he'd be back. No one was sleeping (except Alex :)). We smugly assumed we knew the grim solution to this problem. The pediatrician agreed: Teach him via the Ferber method that he needed to stay in his room and stay in his own bed -- lay there and play or listen to his tapes if necessary, but stay there. So one fateful evening we start the Ferber process. Same drill -- go to him, put him back to bed, close his door for five minutes, go back in, comfort, leave for ten minutes, etc. Right away, Angela, I knew this was a different child. He was truly terrified of the whole process of being forced to stay in his room, and I could hear the difference in his crying. He wasn't just ticked off at us, he was very, very frightened. That first night was worse than anything I could have imagined, and the next morning I called the pediatrician in hysterics. He advised me to be tough and hang in there.

We tried one more evening and made it thirty minutes before our little boy was throwing up from crying so hard, and was shaking like a leaf. To this day, and it hurts a lot to tell you this, Evan remembers that episode. And he wasn't quite 2 years old.

How did we deal with it, then? We allowed him, when he awoke and was uncomfortable being alone, to bring his pillow and climb in with us. He'd come right up the center of our king-sized bed and wedge down in between us, sometimes three or four nights a week. And he became so good at easing into bed that often he didn't even awaken us, and I'd find him in bed with us in the morning.

There are a lot of people out there, I know, who will say that we lost that war. It sure felt that way to us at first. But what started out as a desperate, instinctive compromise (and let me tell you, at the beginning it DID feel like we caved in and lost the war) turned into a wonderful bonding experience for us all and I believe with all my heart that it was the right thing to do FOR THAT CHILD. I think that what Evan needed was exactly what we gave him. He was NOT an independent toddler; he was a cautious observer, a light sleeper, an imaginative little fellow who saw dragons under his bed, and we gave him permission to have the warmth and security of his parents when he needed it. As he gained confidence and matured and gradually outgrew the need to get in bed with us, we would sometimes hear him get up for a bathroom or water break while we were still watching Jay Leno. I would lay there expecting the door to ease open and to see his little slightly sheepish face, pillow in hand. And he wouldn't appear, and in a few minutes I'd tiptoe into his room and find him miraculously sound asleep again.

Today my little man is a self-confident, outgoing and very secure 12 1/2 year old. He's been doing sleepovers with his pals since he was 7 and has NEVER once called us to come get him (I think he's alone among his friends in that distinction.) He goes to summer camp (this year he's going for three weeks), and not one counsellor has reported homesickness at all.

I will tell you that once in a while (maybe once every month or six weeks), on a stormy night or if his dad's out of town and he wants to "keep me company", he'll join us for a half-night snuggle. He's still quite pre-pubescent so we still feel that this is okay, but I know the day's coming when hopping in bed with Mom and Dad won't be physically appropriate anymore. We may have to have a conversation with him about that, but somehow I doubt it-- I expect that he'll figure that out for himself.

When that happens, I have to tell you that we'll miss his cold feet and wild, starfish flailing sleep and funny dream mumblings terribly.

I haven't ever put this story onto paper before, and I'm realizing it's quite long and I'm sorry for the length. I really just want to encourage you, Angela, to follow your heart and listen to your baby. Each child that you have will have his or her own needs, and you really will know what they are. Find a solution that works for your baby and your family, and don't give two hoots what anyone else thinks.

That said, I SINCERELY hope the little fellow's sleeping soon, so that you are, too. Please keep us all posted.



http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport003.gif [FONT C OLOR=Blue]Kathy S.[/FONT]
 
RE: Angela =- My Sons' Stories

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jun-29-02 AT 10:59AM (Est)[/font][p]I always took my babies to my bed. It was just easier for me, they slept through the night like angels from the start. So I didn't have any problems with getting enough sleep.

My oldest is 8 years old and doesn't even want to come to mommies bed anymore (not for at least the last three years). My four year old still comes every now and then but not regularly.

They get older, they want to be independent. Nature will take its course.
 
RE: Angela =- My Sons' Stories

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jun-29-02 AT 01:03PM (Est)[/font][p][font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jun-29-02 AT 01:00 PM (Est)[/font]

Hi Kathy,
I agree with you that one method for all children doesn't work.
Kids are all different. My 6 year old still comes and jumps in bed with us 5 out of 7 nights probably. I started him in the bassinet beside our bed when we came home from the hospital. Then I started him in his crib at around 3 months. He did very well in the crib and then the toddler bed for years. Then at 4 years old is when he absolutely did not like being in the room by himself in the dark. And I am absolutely not gonna force him to stay by himself. Won't even consider forcing it on him.

My coworkers 4 1/2 month old girl just died of sids (or crib death as some call it)last week. That kind of thing puts things in perspective! As long as they are safe and sound.

Lisa
 
RE: Angela =- My Sons' Stories

Oh, what a wonderful story, thanks for sharing! I did get a huge lump in my throat when I read about your second little one - that he was so young and still remembers the "episode" and I can imaging how bad you must still feel about it. But a happy ending too, though :)
 
Thank you all...

...for sharing your stories. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

Nathan is doing MUCH, MUCH better. The first two nights were sheer torture, the next...pretty painful, but by the fourth night he whimpered for 2 minutes, fell asleep and stayed asleep through the night. By the following night, not even a whimper...A SMILE!

He's been sleeping soundly through the night since then...but last night, the streak was broken and he was up twice. Even so, it's leaps and bounds over what it was. I had guests over the weekend and we didn't get to stick to our solid routine and I think he got a little confused. Tonight, it's back to the basics and I hope to get back on track.

Thanks again to everyone who replied. It helped enormously!
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jul-03-02 AT 03:18AM (Est)[/font][p]I just could never imagine letting my daughter cry it out. My heart has always told me that if she is crying, she needs me, period! I'm sorry but I just have to say this, what is it teaching our children(especially a helpless 5 month old baby) if they cry for us and want us and need our comfort but we will not comfort them or go to them? I'm sorry but I cannot imagine that this is the right thing to do. Sorry if that offends anyone.

I know that everyone has their own opinion on this, but my opinion is, I choose my child. I will gladly sleep all night long with my arms wrapped around my daughter, feeling her breath on my cheek, because I know that this won't last very long. Before I know it she won't want to sleep with us, she'll be in school, have friends, get bigger and older. Why would I want to separate us more that life already will?

Check out dr. sears website (askdrsears.com) for some valuable information about night waking and babies. He has eight children of his own and is a pediatrician.

Good luck to you.
 
Thanks for saying this, Kristie. I tried letting my son cry it out one time but felt like such a monster that I never did it again with my children. He became hysterical and it took me a long time to get him calmed down. My children are now 30,15, and 12, and you are right, those years go so fast. What is a few months of inconvenience compared to some peace of mind? I realize that "one size does not fit all" here, but I just know that I could not do it and neither myself or my children suffered for it.
[font color=green]BETSY[/font]
 
I respect...

...everyone's opinion and I struggled a great deal about the crying it out issue. But trust me, I never let him cry alone in his room for even more than a few minutes. I stay by his crib and pat his back, sing to him and comfort him any way that I can, just without picking him up.

I realize that this is a hot topic and I certainly don't want to offend anyone, but I simply could not function effectively without sleep. I have a high pressure job that sometimes requires long hours. It was getting to the point were I was just downright cranky, unhappy and dreadful of every night. How productive is that for a happy family? Now that I'm getting some rest, every precious waking moment with my son and my husband are full of joy. My husband now sleeps in bed with me instead of the couch and personally, 5 months was too long to be without him by my side. And while I desperately miss sleeping with my baby...we never truly got any rest and he was up every 15-30 minutes all night long.

Nate has been waking up happy and well rested and I never, ever, ever ignore his needs. In fact, the daycare even mentioned that he seems so much happier and content lately. It was three days of hardship in order to teach him a skill that I believe he needs. I know I sound like I'm defending myself, but I could not continue to go on the way I was. I love and adore my baby. I nurture and cater to his every need, every minute of every day, but I was simply desperate for some sleep. Believe me, I respect and understand your views. In fact, your posts sound like something I might have written before I tried this...so please don't judge me.
 
RE: I respect...

Way to go Candori...isn't it a huge relief? I do agree, some are obviously judging here, which I find a little disapointing. Funny how people can sometimes think, 'MY way or the wrong way'. :)

Anyway, congratulations on having a life again and getting back to a routine, obviously it worked and everyone is happier, including Nate.
 
RE: I respect...

I should add here too, that my little girls ages 8 and 6 get into our bed whenever they want or need too. If it gets too crowded my husband or I will move to their bed. I add this just to let you know you have not ruined your little boy (I'm sure you know this already) or discouraged him from running to his parents when he needs them for comfort, quite the opposite.
 
RE: I respect...

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jul-03-02 AT 09:36PM (Est)[/font][p][font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Jul-03-02 AT 09:35 PM (Est)[/font]

Bridge, I don't know if you were referring to me when you said that "some are obviously judging" but that is not what I said in my post. I am only saying that "one size does not fit all" and that what works for some parents does not always work for others. I am sorry if you and/or Candori thought that I was in some way putting you all down or implying that you are in some way being cruel or negligent. My only intention was to say that some of us cannot use those methods when we were raising our children. I have been a mother for over 30 years and one thing that I have learned is that every child is different and we must do what we feel is right and good for our children regardless of what "experts" or well-meaning friends or relatives insist we should be doing. I don't recall saying anything about "my way or the wrong way".
[font color=green]BETSY[/font]
 
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