Help me get out of a blind date

LauraMax

LauraMax

Cathlete
A business associate of mine, she's an older woman I guess in her 60s, has become a pretty good friend over the last couple of years. She's almost like a favorite aunt. Anyway, she's trying to fix me up w/this guy who owns a local plumbing company. Which in itself is not a bad thing b/c I really need my pipes snaked. :eek:

(actually that last statement is true--I had a sewage backup 3 years ago & keep thinking I need to get the pipes cleaned out so it doesn't happen again, but that's beside the point)

So I've had a couple of phone conversations w/this guy. He seems nice enough--no sparks or anything, but I figured WTH, I'll meet him anyway out of respect for Carol. Plus you just never know--it's hard to talk to a stranger over the phone & maybe we could've hit it off in person.

BUT, I talked to him last night & he told me that he smoked! First of all, EWWWWWWWWW! Second, I'm an ex-smoker (3 1/2 years now), & it would be like the kiss of death for me to date a smoker. Now I wonder how in the heck I ever got any dates when I smoked, b/c the very idea of kissing someone who smokes just totally grosses me out.

Not to mention I think I'm really not recovered from that horrible, nightmare breakup I went through last spring. That guy really did a number on me & I'm not sure I'm ready to start dating, since I'm still of the mind that all men are scum.

What should I do? Should I just not answer when he calls again? Or do I blow him off tactfully? I don't want to effect his friendship w/Carol (although I'm a bit miffed she'd try to set me up w/someone who smokes--I'm just going on the assumption she didn't know).

I'm at a loss here. Give me some of your wise advice please!
 
well my first reaction is don't answer his calls but then I think your friend will grill you :p

I'd just tell him nicely. You're into health, can't stand the smell of cigarettes and don't want to get back into it yourself. Tell him besides, if we did go out, all I'd do is nag the hell out of you to quit, and you'd be annoyed with *me*!

HTH. This is the second "how do I get out of a blind date" question this week! One of my best friends has been set up with a guy. Last night on the phone she said to him, 'how many siblings do you have?' and he said, "Oh, I don't have any kids." YIKES.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Well, you could always go on an abbreviated date with him.... like drinks after work or something, then when he lights up mention how happy you are that you're not smoking any more, how great you feel, etc. He'll probably get the message that a smoker is not for you. OR, you could be very honest, call him up before the date, and explain that there's no way you could date a smoker, having been one yourself and now, you're completely focused on health and clean living. Just my two cents. :) Good luck!
 
I like the abbreviated version. Heck, not even drinks. Meet him for coffee and tell him that you are not in a place right now that you feel it's healthy for you to date yet. Whether it's the smoking thing or the "bad break-up" thing, either way, it's not healthy.

HTH!
 
i haven't read the other replies, but i will share my thoughts for what they are worth. i think you should speak with him and maybe say something to the effect that you just have too much going on in your life to really date right now. he doesn't have to know the details of your decision, but you certainly have no obligation to him or anyone else. and, if carol is truly your friend, she will understand. you could let her know about your history with smoking as that is a very valid reason to not go out with someone. it is such an accomplishment to stop smoking, and you don't want to jeapardize that. honesty is the best way to go, as you are all adults, and you and carol are friends. i think both he and she will appreciate your honesty, and then you don't have to worry about making excuses all the time. that is way more work than it is worth.
 
I wouldn't go out on any sort of date with this guy, whether very casual or not. Why waste either of your time? I'd follow exactly what SmartyJones said (so I won't repeat it again here).

Good luck,
Shelbygirl
 
Thanks guys. That sounds like a diplomatic way to handle it. I'd really like to figure out how to handle this so I could still get some free plumbing services. :+ The last estimate I got to have my sewer line cleaned was $375. :eek:
 
I agree with the honesty policy. If he seems like an OK guy, just tell him you aren't ready to date after your last experience. You might want to skip the "all men are scum" part. I don't see any purpose in meeting him face to face to tell him you aren't interested. Unless, of course, he looks like, oh, Johnny Depp or Harrison Ford. Then maybe you could look past the smoking.
 
Laura,
I was still smoking a bit when I first met my DH in June, and I quit in December and haven't smoked in 10 years. If my DH had rejected me because I smoked, he wouldn't have the happy marriage he has today. ;) :+ I say give the guy a chance. Go on one date, and if he takes 4 cigarette breaks during dinner, don't go out with him again. Even if you're not ready for anything yet, you need to at least meet guys who are nice so you can see that they're not all the same. I think it will be good for you at best, and at worst you'll waste a few hours of your time.
-Nancy
 
I think honesty is the best policy, and it's really best to do it without actually going on a date with the guy and getting his hopes up. He may be a nice guy with a bad habit, KWIM? You could just say, look, I think you're really nice, and it's nothing personal, but I don't smoke and I don't date people who do.

Good luck!
Marie
 
Hey Laura,

Just tell him. The next time that you chat, tell him that you have an issue. Something like this...."The last time that we spoke, you mentioned that you smoke. I didn't know that and I was surprised that Carol didn't mention it b/c I am a former smoker that is now dedicated to a very healthy lifestyle. Honestly, it is a deal breaker for me, though I wish it weren't b/c I enjoyed our chats."

I would not recommend the blow-off theory. Your concern is legit (you can't be the first person that has ever told him this) and you are being honest. It's fair to him and fair to Carol (b/c you gave him an honest effort).

Good Luck :)
 
I'd just say "I'm sorry, I don't date smokers."
Why do you have to say more than that?
I think it's a perfectly good reason for not wanting to date someone (but maybe that's just me!)
 
I agree with nancy in part. I'd give the guy a chance. We might both decide that romance is out but that we hit it off great as friends and really, who can say they ever have too many friends?

What I would do is ask to be sat in a non-smoking part of the restaurant you go to, or suggest a place where smoking is not allowed anyway. Hence, no problem.

My best girlfriend in all the world is a smoker. I would never give up her friendship because I loathe the smell, which I do. That would be so superficial of me. After all, maybe you and I have annoying social habits too?

We don't always have to take the hard line.

Clare
 
Laura-
This is exactly why I now have a no-blind-date rule when friends try to matchmake. I simply refuse to be set up on blind dates anymore - I tell 'em it's just not my thing, and that way it makes life simple. There's no grilling or hard feelings if things don't work out, and I don't have to deal with the awkwardness. I'd rather meet under casual circumstances. Period.

That being said, since you are already talking to him and could use the plumbing services, I'm with the camp that says give the guy a chance. I totally understand not wanting to date a smoker, but if this guy turns out to be a great catch, that's something that can be changed. And if not, he might turn out to be a friend. You can never have too many of those. Esp. when your pipes need to be snaked. (I couldn't help chuckling when I read that one.)

cathy :)
 
Just an update--he told me he was gonna call me yesterday & he didn't. While my ego is slightly damaged (which is kind of silly b/c we've never met), I'm very relieved b/c as far as I'm concerned it's a good enough reason to ignore future phone calls.
 
I have to part company with those who would advise you to be honest with him. He is basically a total stranger and I would just say something like, "you seem like a really nice guy but I have a policy about not going out with guys that I don't know". That seems pretty straight forward to me. Why get all preachy about smoking. I'm a former smoker myself who can't stand to be near anyone who is smoking. I won't allow smoking in my home or car, etc, but I would never out and out reject a person because they smoked.

Another approach would be to tell him that you're really not in the market for a boyfriend but you could use a good plumber. At least that would give you an opportunity to meet him before commiting to a date. Next, tell your friend you love her but please, no more match making.
 
Well, if you don't have any interest in giving him a chance, you could do whatever you choose... ignore his calls, tell him the truth, tell him a lie, make up an excuse, whatever.

But if you *would* like to give him a chance, and dating a smoker is definitely out of the questions, telling him the truth about his smoking is the only way to do it, imo.

Years ago, I went for a few dates with someone, only to find out on the third one or so that they were a smoker. The instant I found out, I just blurted out that there was no way I could date him, and told him exactly why.

He surprised me by responded with, "Oh... Well I'll quit then!" I was pretty shocked by this and asked him if he was sure. He kind of laughed and said that if he had to make a choice between me or cigarettes he'd get rid of the cigarettes in a heartbeat.

Anyhow, that was about 10 years ago. We are now married, and he hasn't smoked even one cigarette since that day.

You don't ever give him the choice, or the chance, if you don't tell him the truth.
 
OMG what a sweet story! Mocha, you must be one helluva woman to get someone to give up cigarettes that easily--let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I've ever done & I still miss them every day.
 
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