Having a hard time

[StaceyDeLapp]

I'm just feeling really depressed right now. I feel bad being upset about being pregnant, but I just feel like I didn't ask to be (and in fact did everything I could to make sure I didn't get pg again), and although I know that I will love my baby when he/she is born, I just am not excited at all.

My morning sickness has really hit me this week. It's not as bad as it was when I was pg with my first two, but it still really interferes with my daily routines. I don't want to work, I don't want to clean. I just want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing. I haven't worked out for 2 weeks now, and I was really in the shape of my life prior to my pregnancy. Just noticing the firmness in my lower abdomen and seeing how it's going to start popping out soon really got to me, too. I feel like I could deal with this so much better if I just felt good. And if I could continue working out. I hope that I start to feel better when I hit 12 weeks, but with my first two, it took til 16-18 weeks. I can't go on like this for that long.

I had my first check up on Tuesday. I'm 10 weeks. They made an appt for me to come in at 12 and I asked if they would do the heart beat at that time. The RN said you're 10 weeks, why don't we do it now. She looked for at least 5 minutes, maybe longer, and couldn't find it. She said that since I'm feeling nauseous, that that's a good sign as my body wouldn't be producing hormones that would make me feel nauseous if I wasn't still pg. And that 10 weeks is extrememly early to hear a heart beat, and that I could be a bit earlier than 10 weeks, etc., etc. ??? I don't know what's going on.

Stacey DeLapp
EDD 09-16-04

 

[Steppingup]

Stacey,

I can really feel for you on the depression and feeling bad. Although we planned this pregnancy and are very happy about it, I am discouraged and down. I have been so sick and don't want to do anything. I just want to be left alone until I feel better. My doctor also told me that it was a good sign that I was so nauseated since that meant that my body was producing enough hormone to support the pregnancy. I heard the heartbeat at about 7 or 8 weeks but I had a vaginal ultrasound and this was very reassuring. I go next week for a check and will be around 12 weeks then. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I also feel like I could deal with things better if I just felt half way decent. I was sick through the 5th month with my son and I am hoping that I feel better sooner this time around. Right now I have a cold with a sore throat and congestion which only adds to my misery.

Oh well, I have been very uplifting haven't I? It will all look better as you go along and start to feel better. At least that is what I am telling myself!!!

 

[melanalyus]

Stacey, I feel rotten for you. I'm sending you cyber hugs [hug] [hug] You're probably feeling down b/c of your hormones, but it wouldn't hurt to tell your dr how you're feeling. They may suggest an antidepressant. There are several that you can take with pregnancy, and it may lift your spirits so you can enjoy this special time.

I applaude you that you've been strong enough not to terminate pregnancy, as many women would with an unexpected pregnancy. I'm sure your baby is doing fine, as you progress it'll be easier to locate/hear the baby's heartbeat. If your concerned, perhaps you should check to see if you can have an early ultrasound?

You're in my prayers (as are all the pregnant women on this forum). I will say a special one for you tonight. ;-) You and your baby are precious.

Melanie
Baby Justin born 1/17/04

" Take care of your body like it will last a lifetime. Take care of your soul like it will last for eternity"

 

[shopaholic]

Stacey, first of all give yourself some slack, you are physically feeling crummy which increases depression. Then you feel guilty for being upset over this pregnancy which of course increases the depression. Recognize that just because you are unhappy now doesn't mean you won't fall in love with this child. Also, your hormones are probably wacky. I am a therapist and recommend you see someone , short term to help you process your feelings, it will be a great help to you. Seeking professional help doesn't mean you have failed or don't love this baby.

 

[ChristinaK]

Hi Stacey, It's really hard when you have your life planned to be a certain way and then things change drastically. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God never gives you more than you can handle. BUT when you are down in the trenches it is really hard to see the light at the end of tunnel. I think the suggestion of talking to your doctor about how you are feeling is a good one. Your feelings are normal given that you had taken steps to ensure that you would not have any more children and you should allow yourself time to adjust to your situation. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[sara33]

Hi Stacey! I am sorry that you are feeling crummy! I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I wanted to let you know that it took 3 times to find my baby's heart rate. We found out eventually that the placenta is right under my belly button, so it was interfering with their ability to hear the heart. I know that it is hard and very discouraging but please hang in there! There is definitely a reason for this little peanut, sometimes it is just hard to see it. Hang in there and please know that we are all "here" for you out in cyberspace!

 

[EricaH]

Hi Stacy,

I replied to your previous post about being in a similar situation as far as having an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. My daughter is 18 months now and it is still difficult for me. I love her dearly and am so grateful that she is a happy, healthy child, but I can't help feeling every day that this isn't what I wanted for my life. The guilt I feel is overwhelming because I know what a blessing she is and how many people would love to be in my shoes.

I think 10 weeks is still early to hear the heartbeat. My ob didn't even try until I was further along - probably to avoid my worrying if she didn't find it.

Take care and I hope that you feel better soon both emotionally and physically.

Erica

 

[StaceyDeLapp]

Wow, Erica. You hit the nail on the head with your post. I am so frightened that I will feel resentful of my child once they are born. That when things are difficult for me I will look at the child and think (never say) why did you have to be born? And I feel rotten even considering that I will have these types of feelings, but I am so scared that I will think that. I know what a treasure my baby will be once he/she is born, but because I do have two other children, I know that, as much as you do love them, they can really be little monsters at times and totally test your patience. It would just be SO unfair of me to do that or feel that way about my poor little child. I hope that it doesn't ever happen, but I'm extremely concerned about it.

I'm not that concerned about the whole heart beat issue. I am sure that my pregnancy is just fine. But therein lies another source of guilt. That I'm not upset wondering if maybe something has happened. I know that I will be okay if something has happened to the fetus and it is no longer viable. My daughther (who is 3) is so sweet about the whole pregnancy. She has brought so much joy to me thru the whole thing. When I first told her about the pregnancy, she had all the questions about when it would come out. Not til we see a dr right? Can we go to the dr now? How come your tummy isn't big? Is it getting big now? One morning after waking up, coming down the stairs, it didn't come out yet, right? Today, I was asking her if she would be jealous of the baby and how much time he/she would need to spend with me, etc. and she said NO. I'll be super happy. I think that I was really just looking forward to having a lot of mommy and me time with her when my son was in school full-time and as she got older, etc. I know we'll still be able to have this time after the baby is born, but it won't be the same because the baby will always be there, and the times that I will do stuff like that with her will need to be in the evening after my dh gets home. And God, but he is wonderful, and is more than happy to watch the kids for me to get time alone, or to stay with Connor and let me just go with Annelise, etc. I couldn't be any luckier in the husband department with regards to how great of a father he is.

I know I should feel so blessed right now, and I'm sure I will once I do hear the heart beat and know that everything is really fine, and then after I have the ultrasound, and see the little baby, etc. When I look at babies right now, I do get a little excited. Then I feel like I'll deal better with a girl because of the special bond that I have with my dd, and that adds to the guilt too because my son is SO special. Everybody tells me how sweet, polite, and wonderful he is. I'm just tired of feeling bad. If the whole morning sickness and lack of motivation would just go away, I know I would be fine.

Sorry this was so long.

 

[StaceyDeLapp]

I wanted to say thank you so much to all of you who have posted. It really feels so good to know that I can come here and state concerns, and to see how wonderful and caring you all are that you would post back to help me out. Thank you all so much! It really means a lot to me. And it has been very helpful, too. I'm a strong person, and I know I'll make it through this okay.

Thank you very much for all of your suggestions. My husband actually "sells" antidepressants. He works for a pharmaceutical company and we were discussing it this a.m. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm not sad enough that I want to cry or that I feel helpess or anything. I'm just tired of having my entire day go to pot because I don't feel well. Then I think if I weren't pg, etc. type thoughts. Once I hit the second trimester, I think I'll be much better.

I have a wonderful doctor with a full team of midwives that have all asked me to talk to them about any concerns or if I'm feeling down, etc. due to the special circumstances. I will definitely turn to them if things get worse.

Thank you for all of the encouragement. I look forward to being able to post under the "Pregnancy check-in" posts again in the near future, I hope! I actually have felt pretty good since about lunchtime today. Maybe it's a sign of good things to come?

Thanks again!
Stacey
EDD 09-16-04