Got a really odd question

andtckrtoo

andtckrtoo

Cathlete
I'm in the midst of a huge fight with DH concerning his son. Many already know the background, so I won't get into it here. Suffice it to say it's not something we'll ever see eye-to-eye on.

My mammogram showed some microcalcifications, and during a consult with a specialist (at the request of my OBGYN), he discovered that I also have lump in my thyroid. The may not be interrelated at all - and both are quote common and usually benign, but the fact that they are 4 inches from each other is not a good sign. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday and a biopsy later in the week when I hear back from the place doing it.

DH basically told me that he's truly sorry to hear that, but I owe him an apology (there's basis for an apology on both sides to be honest and fair). Basically he said that he thinks I'm over-reacting when I told him that I think we should put the argument aside and figure out what's going on. What's your opinion? I'm feeling so darned scared and alone. I can't turn to my DD13 - that's totally unfair to burden her with this. I just recently lost my mom to cancer, so I don't want to talk to my dad or sister until I have more information. I don't want to scare them for no reason. I'm honestly shocked that he feels this way and it's making me seriously question the entire relationship.
 
I don't know anything about your history with his son but I definitely agree that your husband is having a selfish moment in regards to your health concerns. I'm sorry to hear this and I hope all works out. I'll send a prayer out for you
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CHRISTINE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with you! I can imagine how scarey it must be to wait for results. Waiting is always the hardest part. I'm so glad your doctors are moving quickly to get answers. This is a good time to call caring friends, if you're lucky enough to have any. You should not go thru this alone. However, bottom line, your DH should be there for you now. That's what spouses are for. Period.

Please report back.
-Nancy
 
Thanks Diva and Nancy. I knew that, but I guess I just needed the proverbial slap upside the head with the silly putty hammer to drive it home. I think I'm so upset because if he's like this now, what will happen if it IS something? I have some serious thinking to do. And I agree Nancy - if it were him, I'd set everything aside to be there for him. I deserve more than this.
 
Speaking as someone with a selfish dolt for a husband, I must admit I think your's is being selfish as well. Truth is that when I had cancer and every scare after, my DH has at least listened and hugged me. He did forget to bring me a magazine after surgery, but at least he was there.

I hope everything turns out well for you. And give your DH a nice smack upside the head from me, K?
 
Thanks for the smile MT! I'll definitely whap him with that silly putty hammer. Glad to hear you're okay.
 
I am so sorry Christine. I hope you get good news. You have been through a lot lately and this is the last thing you need!

About DH....I am thinking maybe he just doesn't know the severity of the situation. You said the conditions were usually benign, maybe he is trying not to overreact for your sake. Flip side is, he is in denial. He could just be really ignorant when it comes to medical issues and not really be getting it. Do you think?? Maybe I am totally off base here.??

We are praying for you.
 
christine-
Much love to you as you overcome this hurdle. As far as DH.. unless he is ALWAYS been a narcisstic creep then I think Janice may well be correct with the denial theory as well as he's needing to keep his cool. A few months ago I had a melanoma scare, I am the healthiest person on the planet and I was mortified... biopsies on my face and thighs - fearing scars fearing cancer all the stuff as you know... Anyway DH never once brought up anything... It was like I called him crying in the car after initial Drs visit when biopsies were taken... told him 10 days before results... 5 hours later he comes home from work I have bandades all over my face and legs and he says ZILCH. We went about our life for 10 days - I only cried and freaked when he wasnt around and on day 10 when I told him I got back the good news from lab he broke into a 20 minute SOBBING like a child!
When I told him that I didnt think he had even thought twice about it he said that he thought I needed to have life be as normal as possible while waiting.... He thought if he talked about it with me he would fall apart and he said." I couldnt do that to you"
I guess it depends on who your DH was before this.... I dont believe crisis brings out our best or worst, I think it brings out our truth.

You have a zillion people on these boards who adore you because you give so much to all of us. We are all pulling for you in every way!
 
He could very well assume I'm over-reacting and not be willing to set aside his anger to really hear what I'm saying. He has not said one word to me since Saturday. When I told him what was going on he said, "I'm truly sorry, however..." He can be very stubborn and refuse to see any side but his own. So, yes, he can be very selfish. I don't think he's in denial. I could be wrong, though.

Traci - I'm just going to give you a HUGE {{{HUG}}}. You made me cry in a good way. Thanks! Glad to hear that you melanoma scare was just a scare. Your DH sounds like a real sweetie! How wonderful!
 
Christine--(((hugs))) to you and an umbrella to shield you from the crap storm coming at you from all sides.

About DH--I've got a DH who can get ultra-fixated on "points" sometimes. My DH can be uber-logical to the point of being stupid sometimes -- even though he's "really smart" whatever the hell that is worth at times like this.

The upside is that he can be a clear thinker in a crisis and for the most part, his heart is in the right place. His ability to access his heart is sometimes a struggle. So sometimes he's just a total numskull (sp? -- Mattea probably knows how to spell numskull) on emotional issues.

I guess my thought is to wonder with yourself where you think his heart is on this...sometimes my DH's heart stays steady but his ability to communicate with heart not head really changes --and sometimes at the worst time his heart is invisible. But it comes back pretty reliably.

I think you are right of course -- that he needs to be there for you as you wait out this week. I think though if all in all you love him and your marriage is good -- sometimes it takes a village and a lot of work at home to get things back on track.

It's hurtful that he isn't saying a word to you. No great suggestions. I know how bad it feels when things are off with DH. I had a weekend like that and somehow we managed to get back on track for now, but it just hurts to have times like this..

Barb
:)
 
Hi,

I had a mamogram scare last fall and had to get an MRI and then two further sonograms. I don't think anyone can really understand what a horrible feeling that is unless they go through it. My husband was so matter of fact saying it will be OK. He was supportive, but he's like don't worry. Don't worry, that's not easy to do. All the while, I'm thinking I don't want to be Tracy with breast cancer, thinking about how drastically my life would change if that happened, looking at survival rates, looking on line at tumors, etc. I thought I was going nuts. Maybe its all about perpsective and female friends or others who had been in similar circumstances might be your best support.

Good luck, everything will probably turn out fine, but as always, it's best to educate yourself about the situation and find a good surgeon. My surgeon really is excellent and respecting and trusting her opinion was reassuring to me.

Tracy
 
Barb - as always, you are a rock for me! I will meet you one day, and we'll have a great time. I feel like we're old friends. Thanks. Regardless, I will get through this. I can be strong, there are just times when I don't want to be. :) I do adore you, Barb.

Tracey - EXACTLY! You pinned the tail on the donkey, so-to-speak. I'm frantically looking for correlations between thyroid issues and breast cancer, and seeing what the odds are if this happens, or if that happens. And of course, I'm having all of these symptoms that I KNOW are all in my mind, but I'm convinced otherwise. I feel as if I'm so focused on this that the rest of the world should be too. Which could very well be the problem. DH doesn't see the need to worry, but he does not understand how frantic and upset I am right now, and how much I really, really need a strong shoulder to lean on. I thoroughly trust both my OBGYN and the surgeon/specialist I went to the other day. The specialist comes highly recommended (I did research) and I just like him. He was the one who found the lump on my thyroid.
 
I hope that everything works out for you. No I don't know your story, but I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. I had my thyroid taken out do to numerous lumps due to cancer. I was 27 years old, So I can relate to that. But I hope that he can put his issues aside to focus on you and your health, and that you and he will be able to get through this together.{{{{HUGS}}} and {{{LOVE}}} to you.

Remember:

God will never give you more than you can handle. ;-)
 
Hi Christine,

I am sorry you are going through this. I know just how scary it can be, as I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer 5 years ago.

For as hard as this is to do, it is very important that you try the best you can to stay calm. I wanted to tell you that firstly - thyroid cancer is very rare - and accounts for only 5% of thyroid nodules found. Second - even if it was thyca - metastases to the breast is exceedingly rare. It is known to be a very slow cancer - and unlikely to go past the neck area. In the readings I have done, I haven't ever read about a correlation with breast cancer - whether the cancer originated in the breast - or in the thyroid.

So please try to remain positive, and don't let your worries get the best of you. ( I know easier said than done). It is a good thing that you will have your tests done so quickly - and have them over with.

I am sending my good wishes that your tests will come back clean - and that this experience can be behind you quickly.

I don't know about the situation you described with your DH and his son - But I am sorry that your DH reacted as he did. I really think that it is a case of selfish pride not allowing him to reach out to you.

I can also relate to you not wanting to tell your dad and sister. I didn't tell my parents when I was being tested, or even about my diagnosis. I kept putting it off as they were dealing with a lot of health issues. Well - 3 years after the fact - my dad accidentally found out from my GP - who had assumed that he knew. I felt so bad bc I really felt that I hurt his feelings - that he knew that I couldn't lean on him - although I allowed him to lean on me for so long.

Pls do what you feel is best for you in that regard - but also remember that leaning on family in times of need is what family is all about. It is a huge burden to carry all alone.

Yve
 
Hi Christine, 1st .. thoughts and prayers for the best outcome are being sent. 2nd .. some people just don't want or know how to deal with potentially scary news and bury their heads in the sand and try to ignore the severity of the issue, hoping it'll go away or is a false scare. Perhaps this is your DH. Perhaps he's too stubborn to put aside your argument for awhile, thinking this is some type of emotional manipulation. At any rate, continue to seek out the support you need from others while you're awaiting the outcome. At some point, you'll need to talk with him about the hurt his lack of support has caused. I hope all turns out ok. I'm sorry things are so rough at the moment. Deb
 
Christine:

not knowing what the hell is going on with Dh and his son and you, it is hard to comment upon this whole affair.

But I will say that I echo Nancy's sentiment: now is the time to call upon good friends, and not just cyber ones.

Thinking about whether your DH is selfish or not --and I have to admit that I think he is-- and agonizing over all these issues will not be doing you any good at all.

He hasn't spoken to you since Saturday? What is his problem? What I would have to do now, in your shoes, is to be strong inside myself and think of myself for a little while. I would pull back and away from him and his issues to concentrate on my own current health issue: on finding out exactly what is going on, necesary treatments, if needed, etc. I would separate myself from him emotionally right now because he is contributing only negativity emotionally to you right now, and that will not help you. Cut away from it temporarily. Go inside your own feelings and seek out good friends with whom you can be yourself and can share your fears and emotional needs.

Only when you have real concrete answers from the doctors should you go back to him with the info and take your relationship from there. (At least, that's what I would do)

I am hoping that all this will come to nothing but a health scare for you. I hope also that a little emotional distance from you might wake him up and give him a little scare of his own. No life partner should ever make comparisons between his and hers emotional needs: i.e. his need to extract an apology from you overrides your health problems in his eyes. Where is his perspective? In the face of health matters, petty isues regarding who owes whom an apology, if in fact they do, take a back seat. Or at least, they should do.

Christine: think short term and think "myself" for a while here. Leave the larger issues of "what will happen to this relationship?" to later when you have the energy to deal with them and when you can gain perspective upon the whole situation, once it has played itself out.

For now, go get a real hug from someone who loves you dearly, OK?

Cyber Hugs,

Clare
 
Christine,
I am so sorry for all the worry that you are going through. It breaks my heart to see a beautiful and caring and just wonderful woman go through all of this. I really understand what you mean about your husband and his reaction. I have had 4 miscarriages and several of them were just horrific. My second miscarriage I lost twins and it was devastating and painful and it pretty much broke my spirit and sent me to my own little place for many months. My husband,who by the way is a great guy, just could not get why I could not move on and why I was so upset and he really just withdrew from the relationship and pretty much checked-out for a long time. I went through months and months of horrible infertility procedures and them all failing, and he was unsympathetic and just a stranger. Well, come to find out,he could not handle such grief and how no idea how to comfort someone going through such trauma. I think some men just don't know what to do or say in times of health crisis. I am sure your husband loves you terribly but just does not know what to say. Men always try to fix things and they don't usually react to things until it is proven. It sounds like your husband is an intellectual like mine and that makes it pretty tough sometimes to be around. I guess what I am saying is, I think women are so much stronger when it comes to health issues and we want to know what is wrong and we worry about ourselves and our bodies more than men do. I think that once you get your results your husband will listen and be there for you. I know his reaction was hurtful, but don't question your relationship because of this incident. There is a reason you love him and you married him. Every one worries differently about things. I hope you can get through this week without too much stress and just know that we are all here for you and no matter what the tests reveal, you will get through it and come out on top. ((((HUGS))))

Susan
 
Christine, I have no words of wisdom beyond what others have already given you, but here's a {{{{{BIG SQUEZZY HUG}}}}}. I'll offer a prayer for you and I hope your DH undergoes a serious attitude adjustment. Take good care and keep us posted.
 
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