Two friends of mine. (Due one and three weeks after me both miscarried this week.) I have such intense feelings about this. I don't know what to say to them. It is such a difficult position to be in. My heart breaks for them. I have dreaded something like that happening almost every day of this pregnancy. ( I will reach my second semester Sunday. I am hoping reaching this point will lesson my own fears.) I hurt for them and in all honesty it scares me. What do I say? What do I do? One of my friends really doesn't even want to be around me right now. I totally understand! It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I hate for my happiness to cause someone elses pain. I've read some very insightful post here. I would appreciate one now. Thanks! wr
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friends who have miscarrried
- Thread starter wrwatch
- Start date
H
Hazel
Guest
I don't think there's anything you can say
I have gone through this too -- three close friends have miscarried in the last year. Happily, two are now pregnant and well into their second trimesters. The third is still trying to conceive and I think that although she tries to be happy for me, she finds it hard to be around me and the constant baby talk that seems to swirl around any pregnant woman.
Just as with any loss, you really can't say or do anything to ease your friends' pain -- it's just not possible. But you can let them know that you are sorry for their loss and that you love them and are there for them if they need anything. It may in fact be hard for them to be around you right now, but let them know you want to be there if they want you.
When my one friend had her miscarriage, my husband and I sent flowers and a card and then went over and cooked a meal for her and her husband the day after they came home from the hospital. Don't worry about what to say -- take your cues from your friends. I think too often that when people are grieving, we make a mistake in trying to make them feel better or help them "get on" (the "you can always have another baby" syndrome). They may just want to talk about the baby and their feelings and the best thing a friend can do is help them vent.
I know that probably isn't the brilliant answer you were hoping for, but it's the best I got. Best of luck to you and your friends.
Hazel
I have gone through this too -- three close friends have miscarried in the last year. Happily, two are now pregnant and well into their second trimesters. The third is still trying to conceive and I think that although she tries to be happy for me, she finds it hard to be around me and the constant baby talk that seems to swirl around any pregnant woman.
Just as with any loss, you really can't say or do anything to ease your friends' pain -- it's just not possible. But you can let them know that you are sorry for their loss and that you love them and are there for them if they need anything. It may in fact be hard for them to be around you right now, but let them know you want to be there if they want you.
When my one friend had her miscarriage, my husband and I sent flowers and a card and then went over and cooked a meal for her and her husband the day after they came home from the hospital. Don't worry about what to say -- take your cues from your friends. I think too often that when people are grieving, we make a mistake in trying to make them feel better or help them "get on" (the "you can always have another baby" syndrome). They may just want to talk about the baby and their feelings and the best thing a friend can do is help them vent.
I know that probably isn't the brilliant answer you were hoping for, but it's the best I got. Best of luck to you and your friends.
Hazel
H
honeybunch
Guest
I have walked in their shoes....
.....and I'll tell you what NOT to do, and that is to say nothing. They need comfort and a kind, sympathetic word at this time. I had a stillbirth at seven months, and I was grieving!
I DID find it hard to be around pregnant woemen, but I would have welcomed a kind word from them anyway. Don't a afraid to approach them and comfort them.
Please don't say, "You're young and you can still have lots of babies"! If you can't think of anything else to say, just say, "I'm so sorry." But DO say something, or if you can't bring yourself to talk to them, send a card.
Hope this helps!
.....and I'll tell you what NOT to do, and that is to say nothing. They need comfort and a kind, sympathetic word at this time. I had a stillbirth at seven months, and I was grieving!
I DID find it hard to be around pregnant woemen, but I would have welcomed a kind word from them anyway. Don't a afraid to approach them and comfort them.
Please don't say, "You're young and you can still have lots of babies"! If you can't think of anything else to say, just say, "I'm so sorry." But DO say something, or if you can't bring yourself to talk to them, send a card.
Hope this helps!
I have been there too
I just miscarried myself about 8 weeks ago. It is very devastating, but I never felt angry towards my friends that were pregnany or that have babies.
Right now your friends just need somebody to listen and don't be hurt if you aren't the person that they want to talk to. The best therapy for me was to talk to someone who has gone through a miscarriage herself. Thankfully I have a freind that miscarried about two months before I did and she was a blessing. My mom and sister were also very wonderful.
The other piece of advice that I can give you is that often times, the woman did nothing to cause the miscarriage. There is nothing she could have done to prevent it from happening. Be very cautious of the words you use so you don't trigger any feelings of guilt.
The one thing that I learned through this experience is that more women need to talk about miscarriage. It is way more common than you would ever imagine.
I just miscarried myself about 8 weeks ago. It is very devastating, but I never felt angry towards my friends that were pregnany or that have babies.
Right now your friends just need somebody to listen and don't be hurt if you aren't the person that they want to talk to. The best therapy for me was to talk to someone who has gone through a miscarriage herself. Thankfully I have a freind that miscarried about two months before I did and she was a blessing. My mom and sister were also very wonderful.
The other piece of advice that I can give you is that often times, the woman did nothing to cause the miscarriage. There is nothing she could have done to prevent it from happening. Be very cautious of the words you use so you don't trigger any feelings of guilt.
The one thing that I learned through this experience is that more women need to talk about miscarriage. It is way more common than you would ever imagine.
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Andrea
Guest
And don't ask
so....what happened? When I miscarried I couldn't believe how many people asked this. Like I was trying to hurt my baby or something. I'm not saying you would, but just let them talk if they need to. I also agree with others to stay away from things like "life goes on" or "it could have been worse". And husbands don't feel the pain as much (in my experience only), so a woman might be exactly what they need.
Andrea
so....what happened? When I miscarried I couldn't believe how many people asked this. Like I was trying to hurt my baby or something. I'm not saying you would, but just let them talk if they need to. I also agree with others to stay away from things like "life goes on" or "it could have been worse". And husbands don't feel the pain as much (in my experience only), so a woman might be exactly what they need.
Andrea
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betsyl
Guest
Comforting words
I have had three miscarriages and at times found it very hard to be around pregnant women...but it passed after a time. Although these happened many years ago, the one conversation that stands out in my mind was with a woman who was not a close friend but a family acquantance. She went out of her way to tell me how sorry she was and was very emphatic that I would have another baby and to not give up hope or to quit trying. And she was RIGHT!! I guess for me these were the words that I needed to hear, because I became pregnant a few months later and had a healthy, full term baby. Just my thoughts and I really feel for your friends-miscarriage is so sad.
Betsy
I have had three miscarriages and at times found it very hard to be around pregnant women...but it passed after a time. Although these happened many years ago, the one conversation that stands out in my mind was with a woman who was not a close friend but a family acquantance. She went out of her way to tell me how sorry she was and was very emphatic that I would have another baby and to not give up hope or to quit trying. And she was RIGHT!! I guess for me these were the words that I needed to hear, because I became pregnant a few months later and had a healthy, full term baby. Just my thoughts and I really feel for your friends-miscarriage is so sad.
Betsy
I have some new insight here...
Please do offer condolences, and try not to offer words such as "You will have another", etc.. some women NEVER have another successful pregnancy (hopefully I am not one of those women.. but I am lucky to have my one!).
Just say "I'm really very sorry." and be there for them, like I know you are, and will be.
Your preganancy may hurt them, or it may not. My sis's new baby did not hurt me in the least.. but again - I have a child, and I think that makes a huge difference.
It is not your fault that you are pregnant and happy about it, and I beg you not to feel badly when around them. If these friends can't be around you now, then I guess that will hurt - but it can also be understandable .. I'm not sure how long these folks have been trying, nor do I know if they have other kids.
Anyway - you sound like a terrific friend and i'm sure your friendships will survive.
Leela
Please do offer condolences, and try not to offer words such as "You will have another", etc.. some women NEVER have another successful pregnancy (hopefully I am not one of those women.. but I am lucky to have my one!).
Just say "I'm really very sorry." and be there for them, like I know you are, and will be.
Your preganancy may hurt them, or it may not. My sis's new baby did not hurt me in the least.. but again - I have a child, and I think that makes a huge difference.
It is not your fault that you are pregnant and happy about it, and I beg you not to feel badly when around them. If these friends can't be around you now, then I guess that will hurt - but it can also be understandable .. I'm not sure how long these folks have been trying, nor do I know if they have other kids.
Anyway - you sound like a terrific friend and i'm sure your friendships will survive.
Leela
Please don't assume they don't want to share your joy
My advice on this subject is don't say anything you wouldn't say to someone who lost a two year old. I know there is no comparison, but I actually had someone say to me "you know there was probably something wrong with it". This person lost any esteem she had with me, even if she meant well, which she probably did, well, it was amazingly insensitive. Its never for the best, the best would be that people who wanted and could care for children would have them, and all children born were loved and wanted.
What hurt me most was that other people were afraid to share their joy with me. I felt terribly left out as if I had insulted some of my friends when I was actually very happy for them. After all, they were having their babies, not mine. BUT, not everyone feels this way, I'd honestly ask. After your sympathy maybe something along the lines of "I still want us to be friends and I'm not sure if you want to hear about the baby or if it will make you sadder. I'll understand either way, but want us to remain close, and if anything changes or you are having a bad day, just let me know."
My advice on this subject is don't say anything you wouldn't say to someone who lost a two year old. I know there is no comparison, but I actually had someone say to me "you know there was probably something wrong with it". This person lost any esteem she had with me, even if she meant well, which she probably did, well, it was amazingly insensitive. Its never for the best, the best would be that people who wanted and could care for children would have them, and all children born were loved and wanted.
What hurt me most was that other people were afraid to share their joy with me. I felt terribly left out as if I had insulted some of my friends when I was actually very happy for them. After all, they were having their babies, not mine. BUT, not everyone feels this way, I'd honestly ask. After your sympathy maybe something along the lines of "I still want us to be friends and I'm not sure if you want to hear about the baby or if it will make you sadder. I'll understand either way, but want us to remain close, and if anything changes or you are having a bad day, just let me know."