Friends' marriage is on the rocks...advice please.

This is a really tough situation, for you and your friend. It seems that she may not be ready to hear advice from you, and you're very perceptive to pick up on that. I think you should advise her to seek counseling on her own - it would first of all put her in contact with someone who is trained to deal with complicated things like this and you'd feel better knowing she's getting help from somewhere. Also, a counselor is likely to say just what you have, but it will be very different for her to hear it from a counselor she's never met but who she'll perceive as the "expert".

From my experience with conducting marital therapy with couples, I'm feeling very bad for your friend and her perception of things. Everything about his behavior and attitude suggest that he has no investment in the marriage or concern about her feelings. I don't know what he does, but the fact that she's a lawyer makes me wonder about his ulterior financial motives (that's mean, but I feel angry at this guy). Also, maybe he feels inferior to her...

Good luck
 
There are two sides to every story. It sounds like these two BOTH have issues to work out, and I'm not sure a friend to both can be objective enough to help. There really is nothing objective you can do beyond listen - to BOTH of them. If you take sides, you've already closed yourself off as a friend to the husband. Whether or not you believe the relationship with the friend is platonic is not relevant. You don't really know the answer. Only he and the other woman know, and it's not fair for you to tell your friend your assumptions. You have no proof. There are two sides to every story. Have you talked to the husband about this, or only heard his side from his wife? Not to offend here, but is he not entitled to a voice as well? Why is she the one who is automatically right, and he must be automatically wrong? What if his story, told from his own mouth, sounds quite different than the one she told you? Do you automatically believe her, simply because she is female?

From reading these posts, almost everyone on here is automatically assuming the husband is a cheating, lying pig, who won't talk to his wife or anyone else, and who doesn't want to be home. Has anyone asked this man if all or some of this is true, or what his side of the story is? Just curious, because I'm reading a lot of assumptions here, but very little actual truth-finding.

We have close friends - a couple - and the man is my husband's childhood friend. We've known them since before we were married. They're splitting up, and we've talked to both - together and separately. Their stories don't mesh at all, and we finally realized we may never know the real truth behind what caused the breakup. Know what we did? Nothing. We stay friends with both, and we let both know how much we love them, and support them, and are there for BOTH of them, no matter what. That's what FRIENDS do.

If my husband told me this - that he had a female friend whom he felt he needed to have in order to not listen to problems at home, I'd be questioning what happened here that he felt he couldn't come to me first. I wouldn't automatically assume anything.

These problems with your friend and her husband didn't happen overnight. They BOTH sound like they have bigger issues here to work out, and they should be doing so. If not with a counselor, then at least with each other. Just my opinion, but I'd hate to think people on here can't see anyone's point of view unless they're female. Men are not all pigs, and they aren't "simple" creatures. They're intelligent human beings, just as women are, and they have wants and needs and feelings, just as women do. They deserve a chance to tell their side, and they deserve a voice, just as women do.

Flame me if you must, but I believe all HUMANS are entitled to these things, not just the female humans on this planet. Naive? Maybe ... but I like who I am, and the "real" people in my life like who I am, and that's all that really matters to me.

Carol
:)
 
I couldn't agree with you more Carol. Two sides and we only have one. I wonder what the husband would say if he were asked.

I'm not saying he's blameless just not properly represented here.

Marriage is tough hard work. Just because you marry the "right" person doesn't guarantee it to work out in the end. I think you work hard to find the "right" person to marry and then you spend the rest of your marriage working on being good partners.

I wish them both luck and courage to face their demons and work it out.

danna
 
Really.. tough not hearing his side of the story. I disagree about the men not having women friends. I've had a lot of good men friends... and yes JUST friends. Agree with you Danna and Carol amazing how everyone is just seeing the woman's side - I'm sure he has things on his side as well.

As a not married for many years.. and most likely never to marry again... I can't really relate to the relationship thing... but do agree with the last few poster that there are 2 sides to the story and believe me in many real life cases, I've often seen the woman is equally at fault.

Also I know she doesn't want to hear it but being single isn't all that bad either.
 
I agree with whom-ever suggested that he is working late because he doesn't want to go home probably because it's not a happy place for him to be!

I highly second "The Proper care and Feeding of Husbands" (by Dr. Laura Schlessinger) book recomendation!

Not just in this case, but in ALL marriages, whether in trouble or not. If you've ever thought "I'll never understand men!" this WILL help! Very insightful.

It can help her make his home a place where he DOES want to be! If she starts with that, he may become more open to going to see a councelor.

Nadine

~~Happiness is an Attitude~~
 
He wants her to quit his job so that she can be totally dependant on him financially. So she can't leave once he starts treating her like crap and spending even more time with his girlfriend. He is cheating on her. Whether he slept with this woman or not, he is being intimate with her. Your friend should not quit her job under any circumstances. She should also go to counceling by herself so she can find out why she is letting this man walk all over her. He is very selfish and he is not a real husband/partner. But she will find this all out in due time. As others have said, she isn't ready to hear it yet.
 
Bad marriages stress me out! I have a great relationship so I just can't imagine living in a house with someone that you don't know anymore, or someone that you don't want to know.
I also posted a while back to about friends of ours who have been together forever but I can't see the connection between them.He looks at her as if to say,"what are you still doing here"? But I think that she still loves him.I could also be totally wrong.Prehaps they are both deeply in love and just have an odd way off showing it.Highly doubted!
I also had feedback from everyone here that when she wants to talk about it,she will.I have never mentioned it to her.She made a comment the other day about couples who have been together since highschool,get married and then spilt.Then after that she said,we never broke up,but maybe we should have.I was surprised to hear her say that, but I didn't pry.I just left it alone.
I don't know what you should tell your friend.I know that if I were in her situation I would find out how much my hubby actually loved me by saying," you get rid of your friend or I am gone".If she can find the time, to sit and talk with her husband, and he can find the time to sit and talk with her, then he doesn't need another friend.I think that that was just a poor excuse to have a "girlfriend".That right there shows that they have major issues.I would never confind in another man before I would confind in my hubby.I would also think that the trust issues are gone.I would also ask to meet this friend.If she is such a great friend...I want to meet her.And of course, I would diffently ask her, whats going on.If he as nothing to hide, then they should meet.
If I were your friend I would just feel a great deal of betrayal.From the sounds of it he never made the time to talk to her.But he made the time to talk to someone else,and do whatever else they did.
Anyway,I think you just need to let your friend handle this one.I know that you probably see it a different way then she does but its her life, her family.You can only be there to support whatever decisions she makes.
Good Luck,
Lori:)
 
OK here goes. When my dh was involved, I needed someone to talk to so my friend suggested this psychologist. I went to see him and felt so much better. My dh and I were living in limbo; fighting but still in the same house. Anyway, the psy said "you are letting him run your life... you must decide what you want to do". I went home and told him to get out. Believe it or not, it made me feel great. I had taken my power back instead of letting him decide my fate. At a later point we went into therapy with this psych and worked things out. It has been 10 years since then. My advise it go see someone trained in helping. Family and friends are biased, they can listen but not really help. Your friend is in my prayers.

P.S. My friend who suggested the psych was having an affair on his wife. He went to this psych because he felt he owed his wife something after all their years together. They too worked things out.
 
I agree with Aquajock. Try not to be put in the position of offering advice, because it may compromise your future friendship if the friend decides not to take your advice--in fact, begins to feel that your advice is to add fuel to the flames. I would suggest two books: The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weinstein, and How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, by Susan Page. A friend of mine going through a difficult passage in her marriage says that these two books gave her advice on sorting through her own feelings and strategies for dealing with a husband she still loved--despite his straying.
 
I absolutely do not think you can judge a friend's relationship because NOBODY understands the relationship except those who are in it. Therefore, your job, as friend, is to listen and not to judge. No advice is needed, just ask her what she thinks she wants to do.

I can't believe how many people are so quick to judge, especially someone else's life (the husband's). ...
 
Thanks again everyone for posting. My friend and I have had a few good talks this week and I have managed to be a shoulder to cry on without telling her what I think she should do. I agree she has to decide what is best for her and make her own decision's about her marriage. But boy, it's really, really hard watching someone go through this much stress.

I really do appreciate all of the advice offered on this thread. You guys helped me to keep my perspective and not say something I would later regret or that could cause my friend to be uncomfortable. I don't want to put any pressure on her other then encouraging her to seek counseling even though he won't go with her.

Thanks for being here for me when I needed guidance. You are all very wise and compassionate people. :)
 
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