Fell off the wagon!

Victory Not Perfection

Gayle:

I have been where you are. After years of defeat, I finally learned to see perfectionism as an enemy to true freedom. Based on what you shared, it seems that you are an all-or-nothing girl too. I will share one practical tool that has really set me free in this area--enjoying a free day once a week. Not a reckless binge or an all-you-can-eat feeding frenzy, but a time to relax and live without being restrained by calories, fat grams, ratios, or points in your case. It is a time to simply enjoy food. And my eating still ends up being relatively clean even then. Chemically laden junk is repulsive to me. Even when I eat something like pizza, I choose a whole wheat crust because I prefer the taste of whole grains now. It might help to have some boundaries in the beginning or just enjoy a free meal instead of a free day. When I was trying to eat super clean all the time, any slip caused me to start thinking I might as well taste all the forbidden stuff while I was down on the ground and wallowing around in the dirt. I climbed back on the wagon when the “right” moment arrived, and the cycle started over again. I am free now but very much a work in progress. I still have a tendency to go to extremes at times. Cathe recently helped me discover a place of balance with my exercise rotation. This year for me is all about balance and moderation.

Aside from my one free day every week, planning a week of menus every Saturday and packing my meals and snacks every night for the following day ensures that I can stay on track with clean eating the rest of the week without obsessing over food or spending too much time thinking about what I will eat.

Breaking destructive patterns sometimes involves trying something radically different. Enjoying a free day once a week helps me practice self-control without perfection. It also develops the gift of delayed gratification. When I crave something like chocolate during the week, I eat what I planned to eat for that day and just tell myself that I can wait until the weekend to enjoy some good dark chocolate. I am also one who rebels against too much control. I love to live free! It is much more beneficial for me to have a general style of eating that blesses my body as opposed to a rigid diet, but your personality may thrive with a more structured approach. Weight Watchers would drive me nuts, but I encourage you to stick with what works for you. Finding your personal style of eating takes a lot of trial and error, but the journey is a great adventure if you choose to look at it that way.

Food is not inherently good or bad. It just is. Some of it blesses your body. Some of it just tastes good. And some it is not worth the temporary pleasure or the price you have to pay. Eating something that is not on your program does not make you bad. Please do not define yourself by your performance or behavior.

Dust yourself off and get back in the race. Learn to see every slip as an opportunity to strengthen your determination and resolve. Before you know it, you will catch yourself when you stumble before you fall off the wagon and before a lapse turns into a total collapse. Remember too that you (and everyone else who is struggling) can have a fresh start right now. You do not need to wait for tomorrow or Monday. I am praying for you.

I did not have time to read the responses to this thread, so please forgive me if I just repeated what everyone else has already shared with you. I composed this in WordPerfect during my lunch hour yesterday and just realized this morning that I never posted it. I almost deleted it since you already have so many responses, but I decided to share my thoughts anyway.

Blessings,
Heather B.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV).
 
Hi Gayle-

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. I imagine most people who live today where ample food and temptation abound, have struggled with it. Maybe you could look at your food journal to see if there are emotional triggers. Or if you undereat consistently, and then go overboard. Sometimes I've been guilty of thinking that I had no self-control, etc., and then when I checked my food journals, I would see that there were several days of undereating for someone of my activity level, which would be followed by a day or two of eating anything and everything, even stuff I didn't like all that much! That's just biology and the wisdom of the body trying to avoid starvation.

Also with night-time eating...in order to avoid that habit, I have a cut-off time for when the kitchen is closed for evening. I'd noticed that I was getting in the habit of noshing before bed, and I knew the cumulative effect could not be good. I mean, I do know that it's overall calories and quality of calories that are of prime importance, but I try to "topload" my meals and calories so that I'm getting the lion's share earlier in the day when I'm more active. I feel better, sleep better, and have an easier time watching my overall intake for the day when I do that. Nightime fasting is not the easiest habit to get into, but after a couple of weeks it got easier.

Also helpful for me is doing cardio first thing in the AM before eating. I've just found that my appetite is more "regular" when I do that. It's easier to recognize the satisfaction signals, or something.

Lastly, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes it helps to just take a step back and contemplate the consequences of your actions, with no moral judgment involved. Just "Man, if I eat that, I'm going to struggle through my run in the morning and I'm not going to have the dynamic health and body that I've been working so hard to get, and that I deserve."
 
Happy Easter, everybody!

Thanks to all of you wonderful people who responded to me and my cry for help! It's worked wonders!

I've been doing some thinking this past week and I've realized a few things.

First, that I was sort of saving a chunk of my daily calories/points for the evenings after the boys are in bed. I would 'save' for a huge bowl of hot air popcorn or for yogurt with pretzels, or BOTH!

Second, I also see that I wasn't taking in enough protein or carbs. I've been loading myself up with huge salads and dishes of veggies of any kind (steamed, canned, frozen, etc). Good stuff, but not enough of the OTHER good stuff.

Third, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, is my all or nothing attitude combined with an overeating disorder (that I have diagnosed myself). This combination is the hardest thing for me to overcome. This I need to work on BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

THANKS for everything!

Gayle
 
Hi Gayle,

I am also an advanced exerciser on the WW plan like you, I use on-line only, and have an ED myself. I too had a perfect 3 months and then the eating episodes crept back in. One "lost" week, then 3 good, then last week I had 1 bad day. I also have a great life and have no obvious reason to use food like this. In therapy I've learned this is my way to deal with stress. I wish it wasn't, I wish I used some other way, but this is my way. I've gotten much, much better over the years and I'm grateful for the journey, but in the end it's something about me that I don't like and I can't make it go away completely. I can't become a person who never had an ED. So my task is to be more gentle with myself and more skilled at getting myself out of the ditch faster. I have found WW to be an excellent tool. I view WW as my coach, it is not a diet that I use temporarily. I support you on your journey. Are you on the boards for WW? I am on LTL and CTG and lurk at Lifetimers. My handle there is Luv2Yoga.

I have been asking myself lately, what would I tell a close friend if she was me? I'm still turning that over in my mind. My therapist is all about me having the answers within myself. If I'm quiet and still long enough, I know that's true (not something I do often).

Let us know what works for you through this time, we learn from each other. And best wishes for success as you define it.
 
Hi, Meredith. The nice thing about WW is just what you said...it's a lifestyle change NOT a diet. I'm in it for the long haul, and the program has taught me how to eat right (aka CLEANLY) again. I still struggle, at times, with balancing the eating and the working out, but I'm working on that. I don't depend on my APs so much to get me thru a day.

I am also beginning to realize that eating sometimes is MY way of dealing with stress as well, but I'm looking forward to experimenting with different ways of handling it. I'm going to try a bath when an urge hits, or picking up a new book (even if that means this cheap-o has to BUY it; lol).

Thank you for being open and honest about your ED. I have never been treated or seen for an ED, just kind of a self-diagnosis. And I hope that counts for something.

The last 2 days I've had some really frank conversations with some of my closest friends and having actually come clean with them seems to have lifted the mood a bit. Letting others know what I'm dealing with is proving to be a great way to help me get and stay on track.

As for the WW boards, my handle there is "banslug", just like here. I post daily on a "Get Up Early" thread on Challenge Central and "Get Out of Bed & Exercise" of Fitness Challenge.

THANKS!

Gayle
 
Hey Gayle.....everyone has given you so much great advice.....I have an almost daily fight with food. But what I really wanted to tell you is this: You have run a marathon...something most people can only dream of doing(including me).....do you know how special you are??? I don't think there are any easy answers, but I think that we do not give ourselves enough pats on the back. I mean, the mere fact that we are struggling with this means that we care enough about ourselves to struggle with it. Does that make sense???? One day, or even one hour at a time is all that counts. And by the way....I am a cheapskate too.....I go to the library at least twice a week to get books....

Take care,
Donna
 
Hi, Donna. Thank you for pointing that out....that we care enough to struggle. That's a great point. Thanks for the marathon comments as well. Sometimes I still can't believe I did it, and I'm planning on another one this year!!! LOL

I think, as women, we are INDEED our worst and hardest critic.

Oh, and my trips to the library are about 3 per week! LOL

Gayle
 
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