Feeling Guilty And Could Use Advise...

F

fitden

Cathlete
Hi, everyone!

I am a stay-at-home mom of one 6-year-old boy. I have been feeling guilty for years about exercising while at home with him. I used to exercise while he napped, but he stopped napping a long time ago!

I'm a terrible early-morning person exercise-wise, and I give tons of credit to those of you who get up at 5 or 6 a.m. to exercise before your children are awake. I have done it, but I just don't have the energy to put my "all" into it, and I also end up feeling tired most of the day.

I get up at around 7 a.m., when he does, and at around 8 a.m., I come alive and head downstairs to our workout room to exercise. When he was younger he would come down and play with toys while I exercised, so I didn't feel so bad, but now he finds it boring and stays upstairs alone (which I also worry about). I exercise for about 70-90 minutes. Do you think it's terrible that I leave him alone for that long? I keep the t.v. volume reasonably low so that I can hear him, and he knows that he is welcome to come down with me, but prefers to stay upstairs and watch PBS or play by himself.

He started Kindergarten this year, and goes from 1 to 3:30 in the afternoon. Before he started, I thought that this would be the perfect solution to my dilemma; however, I am attending college classes at night, and I have been using the time instead to study--we live in a small ranch, and I am constantly distracted when my husband and son are home, and this is really the only quiet time available to me.

Can any of you give me any ideas/advice about this? I feel so guilty that I feel like crying sometimes! None of my friends exercise, and really don't understand. I just really feel like a lousy mom sometimes for this reason.

Thanks for your help--you are all wonderful!

Denise
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Oct-03-02 AT 03:49PM (Est)[/font][p]Now, don't cry, and understand that YOU control your day, and are free to set your schedule. No exercise police are going to beat down your door to make you do it a certain way.

Here's the deal...given that you set aside the time your son is in school to study, you may have to adjust to just getting up one hour early in the morning. You DO NOT have to devote 90 minutes to exercise everyday, so try getting up one hour early and remember it takes 3 weeks to set a habit. This is your option if you don't want to exercise while he plays by himself.

Plan B, it is NOT bad to leave him to play by himself while you exercise. Again, you can cut it to one hour and get everything done that you need to get done, plenty of us do it.

When you're exercising you're teaching him that it's OK for you to do something that YOU want to do, and that it's important to you. He will be just fine, trust me. When momma is happy, EVERYONE is happy.

If he plays quietly by himself, could you switch the study time to earlier in the day and instead of exercising you study, and do your exercising while he's in school?

There's always a way when you're determined.
 
Denise,

I don't have kids so don't have an "answer" for you but just wanted to say that you sound like an excellent mother because you are concerned with him and exercise and your schedule, etc. I see so many parents oblivious to their children at all and wanted to say KUDOS to you!!

Hopefully others with kids can give you some more advise.

Colleen
 
Hi Denise. It sounds to me like you are being very hard on yourself to be the Perfect Mom et al. You said yourself, your son is bored watching you work out so he CHOOSES to watch TV during that time. He's old enough to express his desires and it seems to me he has! It's not like you are locking yourself in the basement to get high or drunk or something. I betcha it is a non-issue to him. An hour and a half is quite reasonable for a 6 year old to amuse him- or herself. They have to learn sometime! The world isn't worried about entertaining us--once he hits kindergarten he is going to be competing with 30 plus kids for the teacher's attention. I think it is a sign of what a GOOD JOB you are doing that he is content to be alone while you get your sweat groove on. Keep rockin, and give yourself a break!
 
Could you maybe work out after your husband gets home so he can play with your son?

I work out after work. You could make dinner and then work out. Your husband could feed your son if he wanted. Then you can eat and socialize with your family.

I started working out at home when my daughter was 2. I just kept her in the same room with me. Once she was older she read or watched TV or a video. It was about the only time I let her do it, so she stayed *put*!

Now she is 17 and we go to spin classes together and she does MIS!
 
Caroline Knorr

I can totally relate to this. My son is almost 4 and I sometimes need to exercise when he and I are home alone together. I totally believe that exercising makes me a better mom but I do feel anxious when I am exercising and he's in another room. I completely understand the feeling you are having when you are downstairs exercising when your son is upstairs by himself. In my situation, it's impossible to have my son upstairs while I'm downstairs because I couldn't hear him. If I exercise when he's home then I'm just two rooms away. And he typically calls for me a few times during my workout - and I stop and see what he needs. I have a strict one-hour a day TV/computer policy, so I sometimes put him on the computer while I'm exercising and change it to TV halfway through. So, I only exercise for an hour or less. I do think that 70 - 90 minutes is a long time for a child to be unsupervised. Is there any way you could keep it to an hour? I also want to say that if you feel your child is safe and secure and that you can hear him if he needs you, then you've done what you can for him while you are doing what you need to do for yourself. (I am also lucky enough to belong to a gym that has childcare, so I have that outlet.) My advice would be: set him up with an engaging activity, make sure he's safe, make sure he knows exactly where you are, keep it to an hour, and maybe invest in a two-way radio baby monitor so you can talk to him during your workout. Good luck!
 
Thank you!!

Wow, when I just read your responses, I felt like a hundred pound weight was lifted from my shoulders! I should have posted ages ago instead of feeling guilty and keeping it to myself. It's so wonderful to be able to communicate with others who know what it's like to be committed to fitness!

This forum is very supportive, but we can also "tell it like it is", so I was half expecting to hear that I should indeed be feeling guilty (along with constructive advice, of course!).

The reason I cannot trade the exercise and study time is that it is medical transcription, and I have headphones on. Trying to listen to what a doctor is saying (often with a foreign accent, or mumbling, or eating) and listening out for my son at the same time is tough. He seems to have radar signals that go off when I am trying to do this and interrupts alot--I end up getting very little done.

Thank you so much for your support, ideas, and kudos. You gave me a completely different outlook on this situation! :)

Denise
 
RE: Thank you!!

You've probably already thought of this... but if you don't like to leave your son alone, maybe you could do homework in the morning, and exercise while he's at school. Just an idea.

Good luck with everything. I wish I exercised 70-90 minutes, I thought I was doing good to up it to an 50 minutes!! :)
 
RE: Thank you!!

Hi Denise,

I have a two year old, so she is in the other half of the basement while I work out. For a while I did the early morning thing, and realized that I wanted the early morning to myself (very quiet then!). Sometimes I'll workout during naptime, but I try to do it when Amy's awake. I figure she can occupy herself for at least half an hour but sometimes she'll unnerve me and sit on the couch to watch :). The rule is, though, she has to be in the same room and she has to watch out for the weights!

I never feel guilty working out while she's awake. It makes me happy, and a happy mom is a good mom.

Rose
 
Denise:

I understand you completely and I agree with Humanhair's post (mystery poster, who is she?!?!?!).

I no longer feel guilty about working out when my kids are at home rather than devoting myself to them 100%. I tell them that "it's my time to exercise now" and that's it, they know and accept this. In our small house, I even have to tell them that they need to clear their toys away from the space in the living room because, although it was theirs for the previous few hours, we all live in the same space, and now it's my turn to use it.

Like you, I shudder at sugestions to get up at 5.30 am and workout. Since most nights I do not get to bed until 2 or 3 am, there is no way. I know and believe that I am a late afternoon exerciser and my girls know this too. Take the time that suits you. Quiet time to study should not be sacrificed. I am doing a PhD and so I agree with you on this one. Impossible to get anything done in the evening, until after they have all gone to bed.

Your situation is a little different because your son plays alone whereas my girls entertain eachother. I would still feel comfortable with this situation as long as I paused the video between sections to check on him. Silence would worry me, it usually means they are up to no good!!! I also might encourage my child to take a heap of books to the couch, or get out all the colouring things and that way I could see him throughout and know he's OK for sure.


But guilt has no place here. You need this time, and you are, for sure, a better mother for looking after yourself. Too many women sacrifice themselves for and to their children. Kids need to understand that their parents are human, with their own needs and interests that might not always revolve exclusively around the child. Parents are people.

Keep doing what you do. My only caveat would be, 90 minutes is too long for me on a daily basis. One hour, good enough: get the CTX series!

Clare
 
Denise,

Have you thought about getting a baby sitter to sit with him for this time? (If you can afford it). I don't think you should worry if he is not complaining, but if you are really concern then maybe this is a solution or do it when hubby can baby sit.

Yen
 
Thank you!

Hi, everyone!

I was sick with the flu all last week, and felt so tired that even logging on to this website was too much to think about. I have never felt so tired in my life! I sure did miss the website, though!

I was so happy to see the additional replies since I last logged in. This has been so helpful and encouraging to me! I'm definitely going to print this out to read whenever I start feeling guilty.

Why is it that some moms, like Honeybunch and Clare, instinctually know that they have the need to do this and realize that it's okay and necessary? I envy that! God definitely passed me over when he was handing out that particular trait. :) Thank you for sharing with me--it has made a world of difference.

I am making some positive changes like keeping my workouts to 1 hour (if I feel I want to do the extra 20-30 minutes, I will take it from my afternoon study time when my son is at school), strongly encouraging him to come downstairs with me during workouts, checking on him often if he does not, and going over safety rules with him. For the most part, I am able to hear what he is doing because of where the workout room is located, and our house is a small ranch.

Thank you all again for sharing your advice and thoughts with me--I'm so grateful!

Denise
 
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