Family Dinner Dilemma

L Sass

L Sass

Cathlete
I have 3 children, ages 8, 5 and 3. 8 and 5 y.o DDs are in school and have homework every night. DH is self employed as an attorney and teaches at a local law school. I practice law out of my home and keep the kids - well - only one still here all day. Forever we have eaten together when DH gets home - about 6:30 pm. Love it - I know the family dinners won't last as kids get older / more involved.

But with both girls in school, bedtime routines became more involved. By the time dinner is over, it's past 7:00 and DH tells them it's time for bath (homework gets done before he gets home). They have almost no time for decompression and play. In addition, at about 5:30 they start saying how hungry they are, and repeatedly ask for a snack before dinner. So I told DH that we are going to have to eat earlier - like by 5:30. I've been getting the kids and me dinner, after which we play and run, sing and dance, or pleasure read, etc. Then when DH gets home at 6:30 I have dinner ready for him and the kids and I join him while he eats. I feel TERRIBLE that I'm skipping family dinners, but I feel kind of stuck. Does anyone have any ideas? TIA



Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6
 
Lorrie, I think what you're doing sounds lovely! Jeez, can I come live with you--lol! Seriously, I think it's important for your kids to have that "decompression" time and you ARE sitting with your DH while he enjoys his dinner. The only other thing I can think of trying is to give your kids a healthy snack to hold them over, and let them play from 5:30 to 6:30 when you all sit down to dinner.
 
How much homework do your kids have and what time do they get home from school? You have a couple options: let them play for an hour or so when they get home (and give them a snack), do their homework, then eat with Dad, get ready for bed, etc. OR, let them go to bed a bit later (I am a real believer in kids getting enough sleep, so this may not be a good option), or do what you are doing. I also am a firm believer in eating together, but if there are no other good options,at least you are all together when Dad is eating. Maybe save dessert to eat together then.
 
What about compromise? Why don't you and the children eat early at 5:00 or 5:30 - 3 nights per week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday) and eat at 6:30 on Tuesday and Thursday and give the children a healthy snack to tie them over.. And again on Saturday and Sunday you can eat as a family. In that way family dinner is not totally done away with. Hope this helps..
 
Hi, Lorrie,

I'm not married and I have no children, I'm not very domestic and have a fairly scattered daily schedule (although I keep a very regular eating schedule :)), and yet I felt inclined to reply to your post. I'm 37 and no longer have my father, but I do have strong memories of me as a child having dinner with my whole family. I never really gave it much deep thought until I read your post, but thinking about those dinners now,...well, they're very important memories for me.

The two main things that struck me about your post :

>Forever we have eaten together when DH gets home -about 6:30 pm. Love it
>I feel TERRIBLE that I'm skipping family dinners

The way you wrote those feelings are quite strong. It might be good to go with them.

>at about 5:30 they start saying how hungry they are

I imagine they have lunch around noon......I'd be freakin famished by 5:30. This sounds like a good opportunity to give them a mini-meal ("snack" - maybe some fruit and string cheese or peanut butter or something like that?) mid-afternoon when they get home from school. The snack will do them good for more brain power to do their homework anyway ;) .

Then after they finish their homework, there will be time for what awesome things you do with them :

>we play and run, sing and dance, or pleasure read, etc.

That ought to bring on a good appetite for dinner when daddy gets home, and you can all enjoy your dinner together and talk about the events of the day!

This would be good for your DH, too, who no doubt wants to be with you and his children to enjoy time together after being out and away all day. I know it was important for my dad.

:)
 
Hi Lorrie,
I know a bit about what you are feeling/experiencing. I too have always coveted the "family dinner" time and found that as my kids got older ( they are 13 and 18 now) that life did indeed become too busy for us to eat together. DH is in the symphony, DD is a theater arts student with late rehearsals and DS has sports etc...not to mention I too am a professional musician often busy at night! SO, breakfast became our new family meal time! It has been the best solution for us...I mean, it is the most important meal of the day right? As a result, my kids have better eating habits ( less snacking and earlier dinner time ) and that down time before dinner has become workout time for our family. Mind you, we still get a few dinners together in the week, but breakfast has become "The family mealtime".

Hang in there, your family sounds great! deb
 
Lorrie--
this year my kids schedule made it impossible to have an official family dinner hour on most weeknights. So we have "family dessert" time around 8:30-9--so we actually sit down together, but everyone has eaten dinner. It isn't the same, but it does help somewhat.

Also, we are able to eat breakfast together, just like Deb said.

Keep thinking out of the box and you will come up with something that feels right for you!
-Barb:)
 
Lorrie,

I saw your thread and thought wow....Family Dinners, or lack thereof in my home have been on my mind alot lately. I MISS those simple days. I am NOT saying it is easier when your children are younger, just simpler scheduling family dinners together, because YOU are in control of so much more! We probably sit down together 1 - 2 nights a week on a good week.

Our children are now 19, 17, 12 and it is SOOOO difficult to have family dinners together. It makes me so sad, because I sometimes feel so disconnected as a family. Everyone has a busy schedule around the supper hour, and it is nearly impossible to have dinner together, unless we ate at 8:30 pm.

IMHO, eat dinner together as a FAMILY!!!! Include your husband in your "breaking of bread". I know it is hard, but you could give your children a healthy hearty snack to hold them. They can decompress at the dinner table. Studies show that this is one of THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FAMILY. Can you tell I am passionate about this? The studies show childen do better in school, make better choices in their teenage years, and are more "grounded" when they have this tradition in their home.

Without going into detail, I will share with you that regretfully, when our oldest was 14, I went back to work full-time and had an extremely long commute. Family dinners were no longer, and I can honestly say, I saw the impact on my children. At the time they were 14, 12, and 7. I wish I could go back and do it differently. You can never reclaim those wonderful moments, so ENJOY your Family Dinners with the WHOLE FAMILY!!!!

I now work part-time and our family is so much happier. It is a wonderful thing for your children to see you value this time together, and that "waiting until daddy gets home" is not so bad. He is getting home at a reasonable hour after all! He will love it, you will love it, and the children will love it!!

You will never regret any sacrafice you made to do this!!
 
You all have given me some great ideas!! Thank you - I LOVE the breakfast idea and have already suggested it to DH. I do know that family meal time is SOOOO important. I think one of my biggest things about eating dinner late and having bath / bed time moved up is the idea that right after dinner it's time to get ready for bed! Don't like that at all. The kids do have a light healthy snack when they get home at 4:00, but then they want / need something more substantial - that's why I'm not big on adding another pre-dinner snack. That family dessert time is also a very good idea. Thanks for all of the input!

Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6
 
I have been married for 24 years and have exoerienced your dilemma for years. With four girls and wanting them to have a good relationship with their dad I always made sure we sat down together for our evening meal. Dessert every night was not an option, so after they had eaten about five o'clock we would do as the French and have our after dinner fruit and cheese. Maybe even a bowl of cereal. It doesn't matter what they eat, it's the sitting talking with dad that is the key.
 
To go against the tide here, I never understood what the big deal was about family dinners. I think that's because my father always insisted that the family eat together, and by the time he got home from work we were all famished and resentful, even though it was only 6:30. It was all about him and what he wanted, and never about us.

I just wanted to throw my two cents in and say that the kids needs should come first. Kids' lives are so tough these days. They have long days and lots of homework, and they don't have much choice about any of it. I say do what is best for them, make sure they get their play time, and don't worry so much about "family" dinners. My family always ate dinner together, and my memories are not fond. My Dad was a good guy in a lot of ways, but I think I would have liked him a lot better if he had just allowed me and my brothers to eat dinner at 5:30, when we were hungry. He always read us bedtime stories, and spent lots of time with us on the weekends, so we had plenty of "together" time anyway.

Just my two cents worth.

-Nancy
 
Nancy--

I had a similar experience growing up with the feeling of being held prisoner waiting for my dad to come home so we could eat. It is a feeeling that sticks with me today and is probaby in part why I eat mini-meals through the day. (the mini-meal eating plan also seems to do well for my energy levels.)

I think it's a good point you make that a lot depends on how kids feel about it. For our family now, my kids wanted to do their activities and miss the dinner hor, but wanted to find some way to "connect" nightly with the total family population present and that's how we got to "family dessert" even though most nights, no one is eating an official dessert. It's like talk time with a mini snack.

I think you make a good point in saying that the manner & feel of the way routine is kept makes the difference for kids...that it's not the ritual per se, but how it's done and how it feels for kids that makes or breaks it.

-Barb

:)
 
I don't have kids, but I was a nanny for many years, and have heard my friends with kids talk about mealtime, but not like you guys. Most of them just dismissed it as not a big deal. They let the kids eat. They put them to bed, and then they ate.

YOU GUYS ROCK!!!! I totally agree that "family time" is important and all of you seem to get that, too. My family always sat down to dinner, but we lived with my grandmother, and she made AMAZING suppers (I'm from the south and back then, it wasn't "dinner" it was "supper") so scheduling just wasn't as difficult as it is for many families today.

I never could really talk to my friends or employers about this issue because it was always, "You don't have kids, so you don't understand." So glad to see you moms here at Cathe's forum are expressing what I've always felt. Even if it's not sitting down to dinner, you ARE sitting with your family and having that "together-tine" that is sooo important.

Another thing I always wondered about with people who never eat with their kids...when do they get taught table manners?
 
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