Whitney:
I also got a diagnosis of Bipolar type II. For the whole of last year I barely exercised at all. I just couldn't. Couldn't face it, and like you, I had previously been an avid exerciser, 5 days a week, hardcore cardio, etc.
Last year all I managed was power walking. No weight training at all. None. No step, no circuits, no kickboxing, nowt.
From September onwards of this year, I decided to get back into weight training again, and I have to tell you that my first workout was a shock! Couldn't believe how weak I was. Now, just 2 months later, I'm nearly right back where I was when I stopped weight training a year and a half ago. So, take heart from my experience: when you have the inner strength and the desperate need to come back to it, you will get back to where you had left off rather quickly. Take heart from that.
Now, when I wasn't working out, how did I feel? Depressed as hell. On the verge of giving up on life. But I decided that since there was not much I could do about my feelings and my dislike of doing all the Cathe DVDs I had previously loved, I decided all I could do was go with the flow. You have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. No-one can or should tell you that those feeling are wrong, not justified or bad for you. They are what they are. You are, right now, where you are. Depression is a process that has its own timetable. There's no rushing things. Feeling better will happen, I just can't tell you when. And when it does come, you will be able to return with renewed passion and desire for your exercise routines.
What I found was that the way to keep moving was to expect much less from myself than what I knew I was capable of at my fighting fittest. I learned to be less harsh a critic of myself. The fact that I was out there power walking 3 times a week was reason enough for great applause. Doing something different was the route back for me. I still haven't come back to step and kickboxing, I changed my focus to running instead. A different activity, a different perspective, a different challenge. Because it is different, I don't start workouts I used to power through, like Step Blast, and then erupt into floods of tears after 10 minutes or so because I can't do what I used to and I feel stupid and useless. I am learning something different and allowing myself to enjoy each stage of the curve of progression. I celebrate the fact that last week I was only running 3 minute intervals, but now this week, I'm up to 4 min intervals. Progress is progress whichever way you look at it.
Another important thing to do is take some time away from these forums. You need to learn to discount what everyone else is doing. I could, in totally masochistic fashion, pore over the details of how much poundage everyone else is lifting, and get totally depressed by the fact that others around here have just fun their first or fastest half marathon, while I am only..... Stop! Comparing yourself to others and even to what you yourself used to accomplish is totally frustrating, self-harming and the worst thing you can do. I wonder if this is partly responsible for the overwhelming emotional response you have when you do work out?
Take time off to just heal, to just breathe, to just be. You need to lie on the couch, watch TV, take in a movie, buy new shoes and know that you deserve them for the person you are right now. You don't have to earn them by being a more worthwhile person because you worked out hard today or five times this week. That's just crap.
Now that you have your diagnosis, and are trying some medication, you have to do yourself a huge favour: expect very little of yourself but caring, self-compassion, self-understanding and self-love. A therapist whose book I love wrote: "the main job of the depressed person is to fight depression." It is not to work out 6 days a week in order to keep up with everyone else and feel good about yourself. All you do is: sleep as much as your body needs, eat healthy, go for walks, talk to people and seek out people you love and who love you and surround yourself with positive feeling.
When you are feeling stronger, then try a Cathe DVD, but be realistic: start small, start slow and be kind to yourself. It may not be tomorrow, it may be in 6 months from now. Who knows and really, who cares? It's not a competition. Your responsibility to yourself precludes entering into competition with any idea out there about how much or how frequently one should work out. Your responsibility to yourself is to slowly learn how to live with depression. Learn how to back off and just feel when the going gets tough, and how to ante up and fight back and work out and challenge yourself when you are feeling stronger.
Best wishes from one who knows,
Clare
