Eating Disorder Recovery

[AmyCaitlyn]

I don't post here a lot, but visit this site so frequently that I feel like I know some of you. I also know that there are others here who have recovered from eating disorders and have posted about it.

I have struggled with my eating disorder (anorexia) since college and went into inpatient treatment nine years ago at the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia. I did really well for years, got married, had my beautiful daughter Caitlyn and learned to live life without having to starve myself as a coping mechanism. Well, my husband and I recently seperated after 8 years together. Suffice it to say that it evolved into an unhealthy relationship for me; I felt that it feed into my self-destructive tendencies because it became emtionally abusive to me.

I am now back in treatment as an outpatient at the Renfrew Center because I began to fall back in some old patterns of coping, not eating enough, exercising too much, etc.

I know what life feels like without this eating disorder, and I am very motivated towards recovery because I want so much to be a healthy role model for my daughter. It is just so difficult because I have to continue to deal with my ex-husband (because of Caitlyn) and he is constantly irresponsible, not dependable and now he is giving me a hard time about the money that he is legally required to pay me.

I guess I am reaching out to others here who have won this battle with their eating disorder. It is helpful to hear about others who no longer live with the shackles of this disorder.

Thank you for any reply/input.

Amy

 

[Carol_is_fit]

I have no firsthand knowledge of what it takes to recover from this, but my thoughts and prayers will be with you as you struggle with this bump in the road. I think it's wonderful that you were able to recognize the need for help. I'm sure with time you'll be able to find the peace you need to raise your daughter, keep yourself healthy, and learn to deal with your ex as best you can. I hope it helps for me to suggest you should try to remember that you aren't responsible for his actions or his behavior ... only your own. I realize he's your daughter's father and unfortunately you have to take him as he is, but don't let him hurt all the good work you've done. Your daughter is blessed to have such an insightful and self-motivated mom!! Hang in there!!! You sound like a wonderful mom and an intelligent woman, and I know you can get through this!!

Carol

 

[nancy324]

Amy-
Good for you for seeking the help you need! Being someone who can identify when she needs help, and then seeking it out, makes you an excellent role model for your daughter. Everyone has problems, but it's how you deal with them that counts.

I suffered from anorexia many moons ago - about 30 years ago now (wow!). To be honest, when I am stressed sometimes I occasionally find myself trying to count calories. However, it is never anything like what it was when I was an adolescent, and I consider myself to be completely done with anorexia forever. Anorexia is just a coping mechanism like any other. It is an attempt to assert control when everything seems to be spiraling out of control. It is perfectly understandable that your divorce would cause you to have a "relapse". The important thing is that you are fighting it, and I have no doubt that you will be successful.

Anyway, what I really want to say to you is that I have lived for the last 30 or so years free of anorexia, and you can too. The older and more mature I get, the easier it is. I've learned how to take charge of my life in more mature ways, and my old thought patterns are history now. You sound like someone who is intelligent, insightful and who has the right motivation. Someone once said to me: "Trust me. Ten years from now you will look back and say 'Eating disorders? What eating disorders?'". I didn't believe him at the time, but he was right, and now I'm saying it to you:

Ten years from now you will look back and say "Eating disorders? What eating disorders?".

Let us know how you are doing.
-Nancy

 

[AmyCaitlyn]

Thank you for the kind replies. I really want to get to the point where my anorexia is no longer an issue. For me, recovery would be to find peace in my body and mind. For those who have recovered, are you finally able to be comfortable in your body?

Thanks for sharing.

Amy

 

[typhoonvash]

Hello, Amy! I suffered from anorexia and it was hard to shake. I've been eating healthfully for about 13 years. I have a 14 year old daughter-I ate well during the pregnancy but afterwards anorexia hit again hard-and I started smoking to help control my appetite even more. One day, I watched my toddler girl trying to walk and I gave up smoking and starving that day. I just didn't want my daughter to see the torture I put myself through.

That's not to say it was easy, though. Even today I'll have times when I have to tell myself to eat. I can't fully trust my appetite. Every time I feel that old urge coming back, I'll tell myself, 'if you don't eat, you won't have the strength to work with the horses/dogs/kids/or exercise. Do you want to be strong or do you want to be a shell of a person?' It's a process, and I don't think the feelings ever go away completely, but it gets easier to control and reframe them so you see how crazy they are.

As for being comfy in my body, yeah, I do most of the time. I have the stretch marks that came from three pregnancies, I have a butt, and I have boobs. And I don't hate what I see in the mirror. I think lifting weights really helped in this. I decided that every time I got out of the shower, I'd look at myself in the mirror and make a positive comment about my body-like 'I have such shapely arms and they are beautiful', or 'my legs are so strong and so am I.' It may sound hokey, but it worked. i still do it from time to time when I feel down.

I hope I helped, and I know that you are strong enough to whip this thing.

Sandy

 

[SheRa329]

Hi Amy! I have to admit that I can relate to your problem. I, too, have suffered for years and hope and pray for the day when I can be comfortable in my own body. I've been chubby, super-skinny, regular skinny, toned, untoned, you name it--but I've never been happy with body. I just tell myself each day that I have to be strong, both physically and mentally, do deal with life. Which means I have to eat, I have to eat healthily, and I have to exercise and lift weights--but not too much. This helps most of the time, but I still struggle each day. Props to you for getting the help that you need, and I definitely agree that you will be a terrific role model for your daughter in showing her that everyone faces challenges but that dealing with them the right way is what builds character and strength. Good luck in putting this thing in the past and getting on with your life of strength and happiness!

 

[nancy324]

Amy-
Yours is an excellent question. Overcoming anorexia is one thing, but truly feeling comfortable in your body is another. All I can say is that you have to work at it. I still have days when I hide behind oversized comfy clothes because I just don't feel like putting on "real" figure-flattering clothes. I still wear too much black. It gets better with each passing year, but I don't know if I'll ever be rid of it completely. Still, I'm much better off than I was 30 years ago!
-Nancy