Drinking (alcohol) in front of kids - Help me draw the line

DeborahG

DeborahG

Cathlete
Help! I am really in need of input (esp. from a smart bunch like you guys). My in-laws are visiting next week. I have 2 daughters, ages 5 and 7. Both in-laws drink quite a bit, but esp. my mother-in-law. I am totally OK with people drinking in moderation in front of my girls, but am concerned that my 7-year-old may now be old enough to pick up on a person having too much too drink. My mother-in-law has definitely drank to the point of slurred speech at my house and, on at least one occasion, a bit of stumbling around, but my girls were younger then. I am already deemed the "buzz killer" by my husband, because I sometimes get on his case about his own drinking at home. (He thinks the girls are unaware of his behavioral changes when drinking, and I disagree.)

Where should I draw the line between not saying anything and letting them "celebrate" her visit, and, on the other hand, having to intervene by raising the issue with my husband (which, by the way, will not be pleasant, as he knows I don't like his own drinking and is already defensive around me about his drinking as well as his mother's). I do not want to unnecessarily stir the pot (my in-laws do not live near us and are only visiting for a week, so I will put up with more than if they were constantly over our house), but yet I don't want my daughters exposed to anything that might be inappropriate.

Where do you guys think, given the ages of my girls, it is appropriate to draw the line?

Thanks a bunch for any input.

Deborah
 
Ouch! Nasty situation. I would bring it up to my hubby in a very nonconfrontational way. Really check yourself before you bring it up. Also be sure not to judge his family (or him) when you are discussing it.

If it were me and excessive drinking HAD to take place at my house I would excuse the kiddos and myself from the house. Take them to a movie or something. If my kids asked questions concerning drinking and behavior changes, I would try to keep my cool and say. "When people drink too much it changes the way we act." Kids really pick up on our energy so if you are keeping cool they will too...to an extent.

I grew up in an alcholic home so I have a low tolerance for drinking. My husband knows I find it distastful and thankfully doesn't care for drinking much.

I hope you find a peaceful solution....

btw when I am in situations like that, I read the bible and pray like mad
 
I'm with Kathryn. Just buy 2 bottles of wine instead of one, . . and only serve during dinner. If there is nothing in the house to drink then there is no chance of going over the line of casual drinking. Honestly, . . . though sounds like you are concerned with the drinking habits of this family, . . including your husband. You wouldn't mention it if it didn't bother you and your husband should respect that. I would talk to him about it be honest the first signs of alcoholism is denial. You HAVE to do what you think is right for your kids, . . you are their voice and everyone has to respect your wishes. I don't allow anyone in my house to curse openly in front of my kids. Everyone thinks I'm a total prude but I could give a rip what they think.
 
I have to say I agree with you about drinking around kids. They are little, but not dumb and they can see that people are acting weird or differently for some strange reason. This summer I spent a lot of my time with my cousin, whom I love dearly, but she is an alcoholic. My 4 year old picked up on her drinking. I have since pulled away. I just don't want my kids thinking it is okay. Alcoholism does run in my family. I rarely drink other than a glass of wine with dinner or a few light beers at a BBQ. That's it. I just don't want my children to see this behavior and think it is okay, because it isn't. My cousin was once my hero, and now I find it hard not to pity her. I wish and pray that she gets help everyday.

As for your husband, if you feel he drinks too much and it affects his behavior, he may have a problem. I don't want to come off sounding judgmental, because I am not. Alcoholism is a disease, although some will argue it isn't, it is. Maybe you can go to an ALANON meeting. I know some people find it embarassing, but I've gone a few times and it does help give you some perspective and help.

Again, I am not saying this to be judgmental. I think it might help.

Kristin
 
I think only you can draw this line, and from how it sounds, you already know how you feel, it's just a matter of getting others to cooperate.

You've gotten some great advice and I really feel for you. You can't control how others react, but if I were you I'd just state my bottom line while stressing that it's your right and your duty to do this for your kids. You don't have to judge or tell people how you think they should or shouldn't drink, just that when it comes to your children, you have these rules. If the rules are broken, you need to have a plan for what you will do, tell your husband and possibly your in-laws this, and then stick to that plan. Not in a mean way, but in a matter-of-fact way.

It's not easy being in your position, but I completely agree with you! Good luck!
 
jnka825 said:
not to pity her. I wish and pray that she gets help everyday.

As for your husband, if you feel he drinks too much and it affects his behavior, he may have a problem. I don't want to come off sounding judgmental, because I am not. Alcoholism is a disease, although some will argue it isn't, it is. Maybe you can go to an ALANON meeting. I know some people find it embarassing, but I've gone a few times and it does help give you some perspective and help.

Again, I am not saying this to be judgmental. I think it might help.

Kristin
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I agree with the above.

In your post you mentioned that you argue with your husband about his drinking, and he calls you the "buzz killer". HUGE red flags! When alcohol becomes a point of contention between two partners, there is a problem. Period. I know because I've been right where you are. I spent years dealing with "too much drinking" and being called a "party pooper" because I questioned the drinking.

If you can't get him to an AA meeting, at least go to an AlAnon meeting yourself. You could save yourself years of heartache. Good luck!

(Once you take care of the drinking problem at home with your husband, the MIL problem should be a no brainer with the support of your husband.)
 
JeanneMarie said:
I agree with the above.

In your post you mentioned that you argue with your husband about his drinking, and he calls you the "buzz killer". HUGE red flags! When alcohol becomes a point of contention between two partners, there is a problem. Period. I know because I've been right where you are. I spent years dealing with "too much drinking" and being called a "party pooper" because I questioned the drinking.

If you can't get him to an AA meeting, at least go to an AlAnon meeting yourself. You could save yourself years of heartache. Good luck!

(Once you take care of the drinking problem at home with your husband, the MIL problem should be a no brainer with the support of your husband.)
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I agree with everything you say. However, it is hard to positively influence someone who does not think he or she has a problem and sees the problem with the non-drinking party. And then there is the childish behavior: Drinking out of spite - because he or she does not want to be bossed around. Drinking because it makes one seem tough, laugh at the ones that order limonade, laugh at the ones that do not drink because their spouse do not want them to and saying that they are p-whipped, etc.
 
I would let the kids see her as she is. Unless you think she is in some way a danger to the kids, I would let them observe and process it in their own ways. Maybe it will turn them off to alcohol as adults. As long as there is a mature, responsible parent present (you), kids generally feel safe and secure and the behavior of others, even a grandparent, probably won't affect them too deeply.
 
nancy324 said:
I would let the kids see her as she is. Unless you think she is in some way a danger to the kids, I would let them observe and process it in their own ways. Maybe it will turn them off to alcohol as adults. As long as there is a mature, responsible parent present (you), kids generally feel safe and secure and the behavior of others, even a grandparent, probably won't affect them too deeply.
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I completely 100% agree with this! But, like Nancy said, as long as she isn't getting drunk and putting the kids in danger. It would be nice to control every aspect and environment of our kids, but we can't. All we can do is to help them to see the world and people around them and teach them how to behave in it - even within our own families.

Melissa
 
nancy324 said:
I would let the kids see her as she is. Unless you think she is in some way a danger to the kids, I would let them observe and process it in their own ways. Maybe it will turn them off to alcohol as adults. As long as there is a mature, responsible parent present (you), kids generally feel safe and secure and the behavior of others, even a grandparent, probably won't affect them too deeply.
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This.

(posting more because the board says my message it too short :D)
 
nancy324 said:
I would let the kids see her as she is. Unless you think she is in some way a danger to the kids, I would let them observe and process it in their own ways. Maybe it will turn them off to alcohol as adults. As long as there is a mature, responsible parent present (you), kids generally feel safe and secure and the behavior of others, even a grandparent, probably won't affect them too deeply.
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I agree with this as well. My mother drinks A LOT. I didn't censor it in front of my children when we would go to visit because it is a part of life they need to see. My mother has since moved out of state, so it is no longer an issue. However, my daughter who is 11 knows exactly what she was seeing and doesn't like it. My mother calls and leaves messages on the answering machine with slurred speech. I prefer that my children see, in a "safe" way that there are people who drink too much, smoke too much, etc. I didn't used to feel this way and am not sure what changed. I guess I now think there are lessons they can only learn by seeing the ramifications of actions.

Best of luck to you, on whatever action you choose.

Carrie
 
Who is providing the alcohol? We've had similiar issues with our children and freinds/relatives who drink or drink too much. Recent issue, surprise party for my DH. Some of his friends drink and can drink too much, so I only provided 2 cases of beer(for 20 or so people). Nothing else. when the beer was gone that was it. There were a few complaints, but hey, it's my house. If you are providing the alcohol, put out what you are comfortable with. Good Luck.
 
I agree Nancy and others that it can be ok, or even helpful, to let your kids see it, as long as you are there to make sure they are safe. I also agree with the posters who said that your husband might need help.

But this is YOUR decision. If you aren't comfortable with people drinking around your kids, then it is perfectly right for you do do something about it. And if you aren't ready to confront your husband about his drinking, then it's ok to just focus on the smaller issues at hand (for now). Dealing with that issue could take years.

An excellent book for someone in your position is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
 
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