Cookiebaby, props to you for handling it so well! That is utterly awful! You married your husband, not his family, and although peaceful relations are ideal, they way overstep the bounds and there must be bounds. My in laws were trying, but we have been married for 18 years and they are getting on and we have developed a pretty good relationship. My husband is their only child and they were indeed critical and interfering with stuff like naming the children and choosing Rich's career path. Advice is fine but WE are a family and they are attachments and not entitled to have much say. My husband used to compound situations by telling them what he thought they wanted to hear instead what we wanted. Sometimes parents bring out our inner children.
We had after the fact issues. They wanted our son to be named Edward James or Edwina Jane and I went for Samuel David because he was MY child and they could have had more than one and handed out alls the names they wanted. And I am the one who gained 38 pounds and had natural labor!
But they have never been insulting to me or my family, that I know of. I am not Jewish and I come from a different backround, a more blue-collar one but that is meaningless to me. Anyway, I think you need to put the brakes on that sort of talk and I would gently tell them that they are offensive and you will not have anyone speak unkindly of your family. Lay it on the line that you are childless by choice and it was never in the picture and it is not for them to decide and tell them that if a relationship is to continue, there are going to be rules of conduct and speech. It sounds as if they need to hear that. It can be done in a non-combative manner although it would be very easy to go off on them. You deserve to be blessed and happy and if they take any of that away from you, they stand to lose alot!
Many years ago my husband decided he didn't want to study law as was The Plan and he dropped out and went into the car business! He was afraid to tell them and he quit talking to them for a over a year. I thought it was the wrong way to handle it but I understood what a huge blow up it would have been. After a long time, they just wanted him back and although they were disappointed, they got the message. They dealt with it and a new relationship developed. He started acting more like an adult! He finds them hard to take and they are, at times, because they focus all their energy on him. He's a different person in their presence. But really, they, and your in-laws, have no choice but to accept that you choose your lifestyle and if it's making you crazy, you must speak out. "I love you but this is my wife and I am spending the rest of my life with her and that's a life you can share with US if you treat her with respect" are the words I'd want on his lips. You could even go so far as to tell them the reason you don't want kids is you are afraid they wouldn't love them what with a white trash mother or although, the bigot gene skipped a generaton in your husband you are afraid your potential progeny might inherit it! Just kidding! I think you and your husband have shown admirable restraint but I wouldn't let it go on. It's more than they deserve.
I would think over, maybe even compile, a list of the things you find unacceptable and responses to them and then when they come up, I'd lay it on the line. If you have holidays with them or regular visits either way you could tell them you won't be in attendance and why. You can be the better man and never resort to insulting them but don't let them get away with it. If you don't want a confrontation, write it out and send them a letter. I know venting makes you feel better but shouln't put up with it if it hurts you. Resolve this, Cookiebaby. You deserve better. I wish you great good luck and I am sending postive thoughts your way, sweetie!
Sorry to be so long-winded but ohhh, I'd would be so furious and it's just sad that anyone would care so little for the feelings of their son and his lovely wife!
Bobbi
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver
