Do I have post partum depression?

A

amynicole

Cathlete
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-13-02 AT 05:15PM (Est)[/font][p]How do you tell the difference between normal post-partum blues, just being tired and overwhelmed vs true post-partum depression? I gave birth to my 3rd child almost 6 weeks ago and I am wondering if what I am experiencing now is just normal overwhelmed of being a new mother all over again with zero family support, and no friend support either (I am relatively new in the area where I live and have no friends yet) so I am overwhelmed with nobody to lean on. Don't have my parents either. Or am I bordering on post-partum depression?? I have no history of depression.

I had a routine easy birth and physically feel fine so I have decided to not bother with the post-partum check up since I can't deal with being lectured on how fat I am (I was skinny skinny before 3 kids and am totally ashamed of my body now and can't deal with being weighed) plus I just can't deal with taking 3 small kids with me. My DH agrees with me there is no need to follow up post-partum since I feel fine and my stiches have healed. Plus they did a pap at my first prenatal visit last December so he said it would be no problem to wait until next summer after I have lost weight and feel more comfortable to go to the gyn.

Anybody have experience with post-partum depression? What resources are there that don't involve seeing someone for it? I refuse to take medication and couseling is NOT an option for me because I don't have any time I could go without kids and my husband has no respect for people in therapy so I have not even confided how I am feeling to him. Scary thing is that my DH is a physician himself but you should see the way he talks behind people's backs who he knows are in therapy or on anti-depressents, he has no respect for them and thinks they are in his words "nuts" so I can't even confide to my husband how I am feeling. He is not exactly the most compassionate person (and can be downright nasty, coldhearted, antaganistic, etc.- when I was pregnant he called me a bitch, crazy, and other nasty things which of course he apologized for but still sting) and lately I am even wondering if I made a mistake marrying him in the first place but that is a totally different story- again DH has NO idea how I feel. I feel so totally isolated with absoutely nobody to talk to.

My DH has told me repeatedly (about his own patients) "They thing I care about them but they have no idea I just want to do my job and go home and I listen and pretend I care. I ask them about how they are doing but I really don't give a crap about them". So he has pretty much trained me to not even bother going to my own doctor for advice because my husband has made me realize that my own doctor could care less about me or my health and that if I go to him for advice he would just pretend to care, think I am totally nuts for possibly having post-partum depression, and mark in my chart that I am an unstable person. So since I am physically feeling fine there is no need to go for my post partum follow up beacause I would NEVER share my feelings with my doctor, NEVER. Not after I see how my husband could care less about his patients and how he comes home and tells me about certain patients making fun of them and how they are in his words "nuts".

My husband has taught me through his actions to not trust doctors and I find that I try to avoid them as much as possible. I take my kids for their routing care of course and went while I was pregnant for the health of my baby but for me, I just don't trust them because of my husband. I use to trust then before I got married.

My friends and relatives (who are all out of town) think that everthing is just wonderful with me and that I am the happiest person in the world with the most amazing marriage because I always feel like I have to fake it and put on a happy face.

Some days I just can't stop crying and I know this is not normal. Again nobody sees me do this, not even my kids. I'll put on a video for them then just lose it while I am alone with the baby.

I feel really detached from my husband and feel really really lonely. I am a stay at home mother so I am with the kids all the time since my DH works really long hours.
I love my new baby, but I also feel really guilt since I just don't feel the same love for him as I did with the first two. I just don't feel attached to him and feel like when I take care of him I am just going through the motions. I would NEVER confess this to anyone in my "real world" because they would think I am a horrible mother. I mean I love him, I just don't feel an attachement to him, does that make sense?? Its really hard to describe and I feel so guilty for it. I would never tell my husband about this because he just would not understand.

Sorry for the long rambeling personal post but I just don't know where to go for advice.
 
Awwww!

I am not sure what to say, (I am not in the medical profession) other then you do need to talk about your feelings. I think it is good that you felt like you could confide in your Cathe-friends. It sounds to me like it is a very strong case of post-partum depression, especially because you are feeling unattached to your new baby. Do you belong to a church where you could talk to someone for free and even take the kids along? (even if you don't, I'm sure you could look in the phone book just to call and let someone know you'd like to talk? Maybe, give your Dr. office a call and ask if there is someone you could talk to, even by phone, to find out why you are feeling the way you do. I know I have not been much help, but want you to know we are hear to listen and PLEASE do what you can ASAP to work this all out. Also, are you exercising at all? Is it possible to get out for a fast walk each day? Keep us posted. THINKING of you!

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
RE: Awwww!

Hi Debbie,
thanks for you post. I am excercsing again and losing weight so that is good. I don't belong to a church. I am jewish and here in Long Island, in order to belong to a temple there are these huge dues- at least $2,000 or more a year and the services are Friday nights when DH is working so I would have no interest in going to services with 3 kids under age 5. I guess a long winded way of saying, good idea with the church, but wrong religion. Eventually we will join a temple, but my husband has bad memories of religious education from when he was little so he is in no hurry on that.
 
You've brought back memories for me. My son is 21, and I had a bout with postpartum depression back then, though I didn't realize it at the time. I did have plenty of help and support, but I still had difficulty.

Please go for your postpartum checkup. Speak to the doctor about your difficulties. They are not your fault. If he doesn't respond properly or seem to care, realize that makes him not the doctor for you, and find another doctor to go to.

I'm glad you shared your feelings.
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-13-02 AT 05:55PM (Est)[/font][p]Since I am not a physician, I can only give you some suggestions that I'd like for you to consider. First of all, no matter how painful it may be for you to go to the doctor, I feel you need to discuss this with him. He has your medical history, and he can evaluate what you're experiencing. I know some people who are doctors that are very compassionate people, and actually LOVE their job. So sorry your husband has planted the idea not to trust ALL doctors. If you go to your doctor and don't feel he's taking you seriously, CHANGE DOCTORS. In your travels around the community when you talk to people, explain you're new to the area and would like to know of any good daycare, obgyns, etc. After awhile, you may start hearing the same names and some people will tell you very passionately how much they love their doctors or daycares. But you should get yourself evaluated to make sure it's something as simple as being overwhelmed or if you're going into postpartum depression. Take your baby with you, and find a daycare that will take your kids for a short period of time. You'll need to find that kind of arrangement anyway until you meet more people that might be able to help you out. You NEED to think about yourself. Hold your head high when you tell your husband how you've been feeling, that you WANT TO MAKE SURE that it is nothing more than postpartum depression, and THAT'S THAT! Be mentally prepared for any kind of backlash from him, BUT you NEED to take care of yourself. You sound overwhelmed and for good reason. I experienced bouts of postpartum depression with 4 of my kids, but it was something that came and went and I don't have a history or family history of depression. I think it's hormonal and your environment. (Again, I'm not a doctor so if someone has more detailed info they can add to this.) My heart goes out to you because I feel your pain and loneliness and it makes me so sad that you're trying to deal with this all by yourself. And people will tell you to take care of YOURSELF, and you think WHEN!!!!! The baby needs me 24 X 7, the other kids need to be taken care of, then there's the husband....BUT, the greatest gift you can give your children and your husband is a happy mom. And you can't give unless you are taking care of you! So try to find ways to make yourself a priority, engage your husband in your effort, but if he won't help, keep moving forward. Find other ways to handle it, but don't give up on yourself. You've come to a good place for advice and encouragement. Please let us know how you're doing.
Sincerely,
Jackie

PS I took so long to post I see others have already posted some good suggestions!
 
AmyNicole,
I wish I could give you some helpful advice. I don't "know" you but just from reading your posts the last few months, you always sound like such a nice, fun, happy person. You certainly don't deserve to go thru such a difficult time. I do believe that many (most doctors, in fact) care a lot about their patients. I hope you will change your mind and make an appointment with a counselor. Nothing to be ashamed of, honey, WE'VE ALL seen a counselor of some sort from time to time. You should go see one regardless of what your husband thinks especially if your husband won't listen. Is it possible to leave your children with a daycare just for 1 1/2 hours once a week to see a counselor since you don't have family nearby? I know that's easier said than done and I don't know your financial situation.

I hope things get better very SOON!!! You are definitely not a horrible mother because of the attachment problem with your 3rd. My friend had post-partum and she had the exact same attachment problem. That's why you should see a counselor. They can help you with the depression/blues and then the attachment will feel normal just like with your first two.
None of this is your fault. I hope your husband will be more understanding in the future. Take care.

Lisa
 
Marci and to all Cathe Members!!!

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-13-02 AT 10:16PM (Est)[/font][p]Marci,

Sweetie, I agree with every word that's been written in response to your post, and I want to chime in just a few thoughts.

First, our family's Jewish, too, and I understand about the temple dues situation. It's like a huge tithe, for our Christian friends here who aren't familiar with how it works. Lots of money. But Marci, please consider this: ANY temple (any spiritual home, for that matter) worth its salt will offer itself as a place of sanctuary to one in need. I know that our synagogue has two wonderful rabbis, and membership dues and the whole thing, but I know for a fact that our rabbis would respond with care, compassion, a warm shoulder and an open ear to ANYONE who walked in off the street and said "I would like some pastoral help." And if a family wants to join and money's an issue, I know our synagogue will work with that family privately and confidentially -- money will not even be an issue, as my DH likes to say. Our synagogue would never bar its doors to someone simply on the basis of inability to pay big dues. And our temple's pretty typical of others in our city. So I would just be shocked if the synagogues on Long Island, such a home for so many Jewish families, did not offer similar financial considerations AND the same kind of open-arms care to those in need. I wouldn't let the fact that you don't belong to a temple stop you for one minute. If you feel that just having a confidential conversation with a spiritual counselor of your faith would help you sort things out, then I'd think about whether there's a temple of your liking near you, or a rabbi you've heard good things about. Pick one, and call for an appointment, load up those babies and go have a talk. There will always be kind folks around a temple office who'll be glad, I know, to help you watch the little ones for a few minutes while you unburden yourself, as you need to do.

Second -- PLEASE go see your GYN, and if you can't stand your GYN then pick another doctor. From what you've described to us I'd say there's a very good chance that much of what you're feeling about everything (including your new baby) is in some way caused or at least exaggerated by your physical post-partum condition. Doctors today have SO much more information about the profound physical changes of post-partum, and there are great medications available to help new mothers return more quickly to feeling physically and emotionally well. Don't turn your back on that help -- it's just too important. You need to be properly medically evaluated by a physician who will listen carefully to you as you tell him or her the WHOLE story.

And on the subject of physicians, I have to tell you that I could not agree MORE with the other posters that your husband is way off the mark in his damnation of the medical community. It saddens me to read of what he's said to you, and to see that not only is he obviously unfulfilled and unhappy with his profession but that he's poisoned your opinion of doctors, too. You can't magically transform your husband into a happy man or even a man satisfied with his own choices. But you are obviously an intelligent, thoughtful woman and you have every right to form your own opinions about physicians (and other things too, of course) even if they differ from your husband's cynical view. You say that before you were married you had some positive and happy relationships with physicians. Most of us have, and you shouldn't forget your own. There really are a lot of truly wonderful, caring men and women out there in the medical community, and probably a dozen or more within spittin' distance of your home. Now, sure, there are some jerks out there who are going through the motions of managed health care. But you'll know the difference when you visit with a doctor who cares about his or her profession and therefore cares about you, the patient. And IMHO the caring doctor is the rule, not the exception.

Your number one task right now is to remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTH LOTS OF TLC. Then start working on finding the people (doctors, counselors, rabbis, friends, family, and of course yourself) who'll give it to you. It would be terrific if you eventually found your way to a point where you felt comfortable talking this through candidly with your husband, and I sincerely hope that you'll soon feel ready and able to have that talk with him. But you need to come to that decision in your own good time, and if you believe that you need to do a little self-care-taking quietly and without his participation first, then so be it. That's your call and your marriage, and none of us would presume to tell you what or when or how to explore this with your husband. Just please remember that the fact that he isn't currently able to support you in this time of your need does NOT mean that you aren't entitled to support from elsewhere.

All of us here at your Cathe home are going to keep reminding you, every day if we need to until we think you've "got" it, that you are worthy of wonderful things, and are in our thoughts and prayers, and have a right to expect to feel happy and whole again. You have real caring friends here in this odd little cyber place, Marci. Isn't it the strangest thing? I marvel at it every day.

Please let us know how you're feeling -- the more often the better -- and how we can help.

Hey ladies and our man Trevor, do any of you live on Long Island? If you do, could any of you suggest resources for Marci? Doctors, childcare, support groups, great rabbis :), synagogue communities, whatever. Please post or e-mail Marci if you have any ideas.

BIG hugs to you and your beautiful babies, Marci!

http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport003.gif [FONT C OLOR=Blue]Kathy S.[/FONT]
 
Hello AmyNicole,

I am so glad that you turned to us, your internet friends. My heart was breaking as I read your post. I think I can direct you to some non-judgemental help. There is a wonderful national organization called "Depression After Delivery." I have referred many of my clients in the last 14 years to them. You can access their website at www.depressionafterdelivery.com. You can also contact them at 800-944-4773. They will send you a packet of information that will contain referral sources for your area. You owe it to yourself and your children to take care of you right now. I have had many clients experience exactly what you are describing and I do believe that you have a mild case of PPD. Again, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get some help. I realize that your husband has somewhat tainted your view of physicians. From a personal standpoint I can tell you that I have been married to a physician for the past 22 years and I can assure you that not all of them are just "going through the motions and faking their concern just to get to the end of the day." There are those who are truly caring and compassionate. Don't allow your husband's attitude to deter you from seeking the help that you need to get through this very trying time in your life. Please contact the "Depression After Delivery" group. Their information will steer you in the right direction. I know all to well how it is to virtually be the sole caregiver for little ones. My husband works long hours too and I remember all too well what it was like with my 2 babies who were 27 months apart. My support system was so important. It is not an easy job to be the caregiver for 3 little ones, especially when the youngest one is only 6 weeks old! I'm sure you are totally exhausted as well.

Again, I am so glad that you turned to us. The women on this forum are wonderful "listeners", but they cannot take the place of professional support. Let us hear from you. My thoughts will be with you.

Sheila

Sheila S. Watkins, MLSci.
Founder and National Program Director
Healthy Moms(R) Fitness Programs
 
Caroline Knorr
Dear Amy Nicole, I am so sad to hear about what you are going through. I had really bad post-partum depression and have been in therapy for three years. I was afraid to go at first because I didn't want anyone to think I was "crazy." But I knew that I needed someone to talk to because I was crying all the time and extremely isolated and lonely. I was very lucky to find an extremely compassionate Jungian therapist. I never really believed that someone I was paying would actually care about me. I believed it was all about the money. But I was wrong. I truly believe that my therapist takes care of me, just like a doctor takes care of your body. I really think you should go to your check-up and try and go sans kids. You really need some time to yourself.
One thing that has been very important to me was that I learned that there is a huge range between "nuts" and "sane." You aren't just one or the other. There is a broad spectrum of humanity. You are taking a really important first step by reaching out to this community. I really hope you can get to that appointment and talk to your doctor.
 
Please see your doctor - you do not have to go through this! I went for my yearly (after baby number 2) and told my doctor about my experience with PPD and he was so upset that I never called and told him what I was going through. He told me if I had just called he could have prescribed me something immediately and I would have never had to suffer PPD.

He also told me that when I decide to have another baby he can start treating me before the baby is born so I won't have any symptoms at all next time. My doctor cares! Most doctors do. I think your husband is the exception to the rule.

Like the others said, if you don't like your OB-GYN please find someone you like. While I am pregnant my OB is the second most important man in my life and if I didn't have a good relationship with him he would not still be my OB.
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-15-02 AT 12:43PM (Est)[/font][p]Hi Amynicole! I was just thinking about you, as I'm sure we all are, and wondering how you are doing today? My thoughts are with you and I passionately agree with the advice you have been given here. I'm so happy that you have come here for advice/support/help and so thankful to all of you for opening your hearts and offering your most sound advice. You are all extremely wonderful friends!

HUGE cyber hugs to each and every one of you! Cathe
 
Hi AmyNicole,

I feel for you and I understand what you're going through. With both of my kids I felt like my world was going to end. I just felt so LONELY all the time. We were living in Israel at the time and I just couldn't relate to my in-laws who lived down the street so I felt like I had no help. I also cried all the time and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think the suggestion to go to whichever temple you're affiliated with (meaning your local reform, conservative, orthodox) is a good one. Call first and ask to make an appointment to speak with the rabbi. Also, what about JFCS? (Jewish Family and Children's Services). Call information and get the number and talk to someone there about what you're going through. They can make suggestions for you.

Most importantly, don't think any less of yourself because of how your feel or look. There are people out there who want to help you. As far as finding someone to watch your kids, what about telling your DH that he absolutely HAS to stay home and watch the kids for you for a couple of hours. I understand that he's working hard but he's also responsible for helping you take care of them. If that doesn't work, what about one of those babysitting places?

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. It's a strong person that is able to ask for help. And remember that we're here for you. Take care and let us know how you're doing. Linda
 
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON Aug-16-02 AT 00:19AM (Est)[/font][p]I am so deeply touched by all the personal responses and everyone sharing their experiences. I wish I could comment on each post to me, but I only have a few minutes right now since my baby just went to sleep and I know he will only be asleep for 2 or 3 hours if I am lucky so I gotta go to bed myself.

I have given a lot of thought to my situation and the posts helped me realize some steps to take.

I spoke with my DH last night about how I am feeling and made him understand this is real and I won't just snap out of it without talking to someone. To my surprize he was supportive. I also told him the reason I never made a follow up ob/gyn appointment was partly because of my negative view of Drs I learned from him. He was really upset with himeself for giving me that view and to my shock explained it is only the negative stuff he tells me and that he really does care about some of his patients. I will admit, my DH is not the most sensative person and can be downright cold sometimes, but I know he really loves me very much, I love him, and he is a great father and I was very upset with him the other day when I posted but there is definately a future for us.

I made an appointment with my ob/gyn for the first week in Sept. on a day DH can watch the kids so I can go alone. Also, DH asked around the hospital where he works for the names of therapists and came home and handed me a list of 5 names for me to pursue. I have decided that for my comfort level I do not plan on sharing with my physcian my emotional state and will just get the physical but pursue the therapy seperately. I am not comfortable taking any kind of medication and don't think I need it so there is no need to share this with my Dr. My husband told me he only agreed I did not need to follow up for my 6 week postpartum visit because I felt strongly I did not want to go so he did not want a confrontation with me. He is happy I am going to go and told me he thought it was a bad idea to skip it.

DH also assured me that my weight is my issue, not his issue and that he is attracted to me and loves me no matter what my weight. That made me feel really happy to hear. DH and I talked for 2 hours about this last night, it was the best talk we had in years and was just so refreshing. He was so sweet and apologized for making me feel like I could not come to him and made it clear that I should always come to him with stuff like this.

I did call one of the therapists today and she and I have been playing phone tag. I am hoping to get ahold of her tommorow so I can make an appointment. I was just so suprized that DH was supportive. Even though I have been telling him how I have been feeling and crying, he had no idea that it was to the point I felt I needed help. I have told him this in the past, but I think he just did not want to hear it. He told me that once I get a weekly time set up after I find a therapist I like, he will cancel his patents for that time period so he can watch the kids. Wow, that just blew me away that he would do that for me.

I must say, between his surprising (in a good way) reaction, and all the outpouring I got here, it just has made me feel so good.

thank you everyone for your love and support. This is just such a hard time for me right now and it was really hard and scary to even reach out for help. I am really nervous about speaking with the therapist and don't know what to expect but I also feel a sense of relief that I am going to pursue it. I have a ton of stuff bottled up that I have actually wanted to speak to a therapist to for years but have been afraid to bring the topic up to DH for fear he would lose respect for me. He showed me that he just wants me to be happy and will do what it takes to make that happen. I am also relizing I need to do this for my kids so I can be emotionally available and a happy mom for them because I am just so overwhelmed and sad right now.

Well this is longer than I thought but again, thank you everyone :)

Marci

P.S. I am so impressed that some of you remembered my real name is Marci. Amynicole is actually my 3 year old's name. When I registered for this forum, someone had already registered using Marci so since I love my daugher's name (hey I picked it!) I did not think she would mind if I used it. Afterall, she was not even 2 at the time!
 
I am sooo happy for you, Marci!! It has to be a wonderful feeling for you that yor hubby is there to support you. Talking is so important in a relationship and a 2 hour talk is great therapy too! Keep us posted on how you are doing and progressing. So, so HAPPY for you!

Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH http://www.plaudersmilies.de/wavey.gif If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance...I Hope You DANCE!!!
 
Hi Marci! I'm so happy to hear that you and your husband are communicating so well. Congratulations on taking that first step and I'll be wishing you continued success along the way. Keep us posted. Take Care:)
 
Marci

I was so happy to read your post today! I know what it's like to feel like you can't talk to your spouse, but occasionally they surprise us! I think that even if he responded negatively you would have felt some personal relief with have spoken your thoughts and feelings to him.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I have great respect for you reaching out (even in cyber-space) for the better of yourself and your family. Remember, the best way to take care of your home and family is to take care of yourself!

I'll be thinking of you the first week of September and will pray for you.

take care, jeni (that's my real name - the main characterS in my favorite book).
 
I was thinking the same thing about seeing your OB...

... I remember reading an article about Marie Osmond and her postpartum depression... her OB did blood tests to determine what her hormones were doing, and I'm pretty sure that she was on hormone therapy rather than a medicinal therapy. Her whole reasoning for going public was to show that this is a very REAL medical condition... not just some women going mental from the stress of taking care of a baby. It struck a chord with me because I've realized (after years of thinking that I just had serious PMS) that the combined bc pill makes me absolutely loopy/emotional a few days a month... each time I went off of it to get pregnant, I almost immediately felt like a whole new person... hormones are very powerful, and they can wreak havoc if they are out of whack.

Also, although I'm not Jewish, I think that Kathy S. is right about talking to a rabbi if you feel like it would help. I went to a pastor (and I was not a regular church-goer at the time... actually, I hadn't been in years) when I was going through a divorce some years back. At first I felt a little dumb... like he'd think badly of me because I hadn't been there before... but he was very understanding and very supportive.

Definitely talk to someone, though -- this is something you do for YOU... not your husband. Do what you need to do to be strong and feel good about yourself.

Susan
 
SO proud of you!

I posted before reading this note, so I'm extra happy to see that you are seeking some help...

Take care of you :)
Susan
 
Marci -- YAY!!!

Marci, I've been out of town and am just thrilled to find your post -- what wonderful news on all fronts! It is just the BEST news in the world to hear of all the breakthroughs you've made both on your own and with your DH -- I couldn't be happier for you if you were my own little sister, I tell ya. Please keep us all up to date as you begin to feel better -- we're here for you!!

http://www.clicksmilie.de/sammlung/sport/sport003.gif [FONT C OLOR=Blue]Kathy S.[/FONT]
 
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