DF just doesn't get it?!

trixie108

trixie108

Cathlete
Much to my dismay and outrage, my fiance went out last month and bought a 2008 Harley without telling me. After chewing him out, I let it go, because he can afford the monthly payments and I know he loves it dearly.

Last week, his father announced that he was going to Hawaii for 10 days, and if we wanted to stay with him, all we had to pay for was our plane tickets and two or three dinners. We talked about it, and decided we both really wanted to go.

Now his dad is saying that we need to pay for "part" of the condo where we will be staying. When I asked how much, he said he didn't know, but that it didn't matter because he was going NO MATTER WHAT.

Now, I was pretty mad about the motorcycle, because once we get married, that debt will affect my credit (I have no debt besides a mortgage), but I let it go. Now this Hawaii thing is turning out to be much more expensive than we anticipated and it's really upsetting me. I totally want to go, don't get me wrong, but we have a wedding coming up in August that we need to pay for and I would rather save our cash for the honeymoon. I guess it's making me nervous about how freely he is spending money right now, and I'm REALLY worried that it will continue into the future.

He gives me a check for half of the bills every month, but then we each have our own separate accounts. I am REALLY good with my money, never carry any debt, don't make rediculous purchases, etc. I am so afraid that he will run up debt like crazy and put us into bankruptcy. Am I overreacting? Can anyone relate? Any thoughts/opinions? Thanks for letting me vent :)
 
Here is my 2cents worth. If you are worried about how he handles money then you should come to an agreement once you are married on how to handle large ticket items. Even make a contract. Draw up some kind of financial plan of where you want to be in 5 years and a savings plan. Be practical about it. Make sure both of you are working toward the same financial goals.

Or.... keep separate accounts, have him buy everything in his name only and then it does not go on your credit.

But talk it out. And remember, life is short and a Harley is a once in a lifetime purchase(I hope)
 
The signs are all there. Your fiance is not a team player and shows no inclination to change after you're married. Hope you love surprises because if you marry him I predict there will be many...:confused:
 
If you are planning a wedding, then you need to go ahead and schedule your pre-marital counseling (or maybe you already have). I am a big proponent of this, and I would have NEVER considered getting married without it.

A good marriage counselor will discuss finances with you and help make sure you are on the same financial page before you two tie the knot (and the purse strings)!
 
SirenSongWoman said:
The signs are all there. Your fiance is not a team player and shows no inclination to change after you're married. Hope you love surprises because if you marry him I predict there will be many...:confused:
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Boy...ditto, ditto, ditto! You asked for input, here it is: don't marry him. You are not over-reacting. Like Stacey said, he's not a team player, and marriage is a team effort if there ever was one. Just because you have a ring and a date doesn't mean you have to go through with it.....now is the time to pay attention to the warning signs.
 
Originally Posted by SirenSongWoman :
The signs are all there. Your fiance is not a team player and shows no inclination to change after you're married. Hope you love surprises because if you marry him I predict there will be many...

And..

Boy...ditto, ditto, ditto! You asked for input, here it is: don't marry him. You are not over-reacting. Like Stacey said, he's not a team player, and marriage is a team effort if there ever was one. Just because you have a ring and a date doesn't mean you have to go through with it.....now is the time to pay attention to the warning signs.
__________________


I have to ditto all of the above, too. I don't mean to be hurtful, but after being married for 22 years and having to live through my DH...and his families...financial drama, I can't help but tell ya' that it won't get better, imho.
I've yet to see the 'I do's ' make things better and if marriage does help, it seems to be a long, hard road to get there.

Hugs and sorry you are having to deal with all this.
 
I agree with Katie. Counseling is a great idea. He needs to learn how to handle money...but I don't think he's a lost cause at all. I have been married for 15 years and right at first my dh was careless with money but we got passed it. For the last 14 we have made a team effort to save and budget our money together. He's a little too tight sometimes!:)
 
Um, before you dump your fiance, have you actually sat down and talked to him? Just because he spends money more freely than you do, doesn't mean he's not a team player or will never understand where you are coming from. He may consider your ways a little too rigid. I absolutely agree with pre-marriage counseling. A real team player (and team means both of you) will come up with some kind of compromise. I'm sure if you both put your mind to it, you can come up with some kind of solution.

I much more like your DF and my DH is much more like you. We've managed to come up with solutions that work for both of us. Of course, it took bending on both of our sides, but it is possible. Now, if DF absolutely refuses to even talk about it when you are calm and controlled, then I might start to wonder.
 
ITA with Christine. You gotta give the guy a chance before you jump the gun and assume he's bad news with money. No, he may not be like you but perhaps you can help him to tighten the purse strings a bit and maybe he'll convince you to loosen yours once in a while. Compromise is what it's all about. Talk to him. He might surprise you...:)
 
Hello,
Just thought I'd add my two cents. You sound really upset in your post. It sounds like money is not the real issue, but the fact that your feelings are deeply hurt because you feel like he's not listening to you/being respectful to you and you feel like things are getting out of control. I think you need to tell him that in a respectful way, and (beforehand) think of what you would like him to do, and make sure and tell him in a specific way (in my opinion, men need lots of specifics). You have to leave space for a good outcome to create a happy ending. Doing this will set the tone for the way the two of you resolve conflict for the rest of your lives, which will be what you teach your children. No pressure :D. Good luck, I'm sure it will work out exactly the way it's supposed to!
 
Definitely, definitely, consider the counseling idea. It is so helpful to have a third, objective person help sort out the inevitable issues/differences that every relationship faces. It's premature to consider breaking it off at this point without fully exploring ways that you two can come to an understanding on this. Nobody is perfect and he probably has no real understanding as to why his Harley purchase would upset you. I don't think this alone is a deal breaker. I do think learning to communicate with the help of a counselor will help you now and through your entire marriage.

Best of Luck~

Jen
 
I agree that counseling is a good idea now. You need to work this out before you get married. Is this something he's only done recently or has he spent like this since you've known him. If he hasn't always spent like that, it could be that he's feeling like this is his last chance before marriage to do it. The two of you need to do a lot of talking to make sure you understand where the other is coming from and if you don't feel comfortable with the outcome than get out of the relationship. That's really what engagements are for, to get to know each other better and make sure that marriage is what you want.
 
parkercp said:
Here is my 2cents worth. If you are worried about how he handles money then you should come to an agreement once you are married on how to handle large ticket items. Even make a contract. Draw up some kind of financial plan of where you want to be in 5 years and a savings plan. Be practical about it. Make sure both of you are working toward the same financial goals.

Or.... keep separate accounts, have him buy everything in his name only and then it does not go on your credit.

But talk it out. And remember, life is short and a Harley is a once in a lifetime purchase(I hope)
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I disagree only slightly--come to an agreement NOW and stick to it!!! If he doesn't want to do this now, there is no way he will do it when you're married. Sorry if this is curt, but you can't change anyone unless they want to be changed.
 
Maybe overreacting a little. Is he so in debt that he can't handle it? Buying a Harley he can afford is OK. But if he just keeps going out and buying stuff he can't afford, that's a red light. Definitely, it's something you need to discuss before you get married. Money is such an area of contention in marriage and it's best to be on the same page. Having debt SUCKS! I know....I've got a lot that was racked up from spending $45k on daycare expenses. I'm slowly chipping away at it, but it's a big stress.

Lisa is right, men do need specifics....never assume they know what you're thinking. I'm always amazed when I think my BF is being purposely inconsiderate, then I say something (nicely) and he immediately acts on it and laughs because he is so clueless.

Unless you say something, he won't have any idea that it bothers you and will be completely blindsided when you finally blow your stack.
 
Awww - sorry you're going through this, especially so close to the New Year. But take advantage of that - you've gotten great advice here - essentially you need to communicate!

As for the trip, I know it sounds like fun, but I'd take a pass. I think his dad is being unfair. What a lout! Plan your own trip to Hawaii, save up together and it will be that much more special.
 
Totally relate

I am very good with my money - and have recently married. Discovered to my dismay that DH isn't as good as I originally thought with his money. You are not over reacting. This is a legitmate concern and you NEED to address it. Don't go to Hawaii - the wedding is a huge expense - I KNOW. There really isn't any EXTRA money to throw away on a trip with his DAD!!!! What you felt was going to be a minimal expense is now becoming major - that wasn't what you originally got yourself into. No hard feelings - just no thanks.

I wouldn't throw away this relationship - but I wouldn't ignore these feelings either. Nothing beats open communication. You can work out your finances so that you have a mutually agreeable situation for both and if you can't then you know that too and can make up your mind about what to do.

Good luck!!!
 
On the financial issues: Another vote for sitting down to discuss this now and coming up with an agreement for the future. It doesn't sound horrible, since you did say that he can afford that bigger purchase, but you want to feel secure.

On the "no matter what": I do not ever like to hear this in a relationship. This and "because I said so." GRRRRRRRR! Now, he might have meant "I will do everything I can to make this happen," but it sounds by your post that this was not his intent. I think that this shows he is not considering you or your feelings and that he is still thinking that he can make these decisions indpendant of you and your relationship (which is not the case in a healthy marriage). I think that this concerns me more than the financial issues.

All said, nows the time to discuss this and work it out. Do not wait until later or when another purchase or issue comes up. Men often feel that women "never forgive" an already-worked-out-issue and come at them with a bunch of issues together (including past ones). Sometimes it makes them stand strong in a position that they might not have if they weren't put in that position of discussing the past three or four things that happened wrong.

Lastly, planning a wedding is tough and stressful. He could be reacting to that or trying to get those last "single" decisions in. Not a justification but perhaps a point to undersatnd where these bad actions are coming from.

Good Luck!
 
Wow, thanks for all of the great responses! Well, his dad ended up cancelling the trip because he didn't have enough money. DF is really upset, because Maui is his favorite place in the whole world (he talks about moving there all the time), but I was doing cartwheels inside!
Even though we won't have to hash out this trip, I still want to do the premarital counseling that a lot of people suggested. It seems like having a third, unbiased party go over major things that need to be discussed is a great idea. Thanks again for all of your support!!
 
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